OPEN BEEEEEETA MOTHERFUCKER

FFXIV open beta starts tomorrow. Oh, that doesn't mean they're letting peasants in-- it just means the master race already in can talk to your stupid ass about it without pretending it's some kind of secret club.
Awwww yeah.
Anyway here we have "The Rogue Bitch" one of the aforementioned peasants. I guess it's as they say: common birth, common man.
This is one of those blogs I love so much where I have to agree I'm 18+ (this time it's 18) and then click on each entry, agreeing once more I'm 18. Asshole if I'm 18 coming into it I'll still be 18 when I agree to each entry, won't I? What, are you trying to catch >18 people this way? Are they going to lie through the first one then suddenly get scared?
And for entries this complex you really need this level of security to ensure the children won't be scared.
I found this blog via the question of the day: "if you could change something about your past, what would it be?" And here's her response:

You know, I've thought about this a lot, since my past has been pretty unrelentingly shitty. But the weird thing is, if I didn't *have* that past, I wouldn't be who I am, and I really kind of like who I am.

So, no. I love how these bloggers write 50000000 words for something that requires ONE WORD.

This could be the start of a really excellent meme.

I checked out of the library "Fahrenheit 451: The Authorized Adaptation" which is a graphic novel that Ray Bradbury himself approved.

>Excellent
>meme

Finally, may I suggest that anyone reading this introduction to take the time to name the one book that he or she would most want to memorize and protect from any censors or "firemen." And not only name the book, but give the reasons why they would wish to memorize and why it would be a valuable asset to be recited and remembered in the future.

I just put a lot of thought into this. Would I memorize The Inferno or The Odyssey? Then I decided I'd memorize today's blog just to troll the fuck out of future generations.
OF ALL THE THINGS HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO MEMORIZE, THIS HORSESHIT is what they'll say about me :3

Every year my ex asks me if I want to take our daughter for Mother's Day (he usually has her on weekends) and I always laughingly tell him No.

"No, on the day we commemorate mothers I want the only thing that makes me a mother far, far away from me." Welp.

My idea of a good Mother's Day is one where I get to take a break from mothering.

Can't imagine why you're divorced.
Actually, yes I can: you write fanfiction and you have children. How hideously out of sorts is your life?

While there I got a phone call from J., telling me that Hari had developed a sudden ear infection and they were taking her to a Walgreen's clinic. I talked to Hari and she sounded *so* sad, but she's also a drama princess.

MY CHILD'S SUFFERING HAS NO EFFECT ON ME!
Also ear infections suck holy shit. I mean I've only had one once or twice because my childhood illness of choice was strep throat, but still, goddamn.

Tracy and I went to Borders, where I saw many books I wanted but did not buy (new JR Ward, favorite guilty pleasure, *lurid* red cover) and got another call from J.

Oh yes, this parenting thing. It's almost like sometimes you have to put your own interests after your kid or something. Man, this is tough!

Yes, ear infection, she was getting zithromycin and we would discuss whether Hari was coming home later on after she'd been dosed.

Well thank you Wallgreens and the other parent. Where might we be without the magic of "just walking the fuck in and a nurse telling you what you need"?

So I went home and performed a cleansing ritual to rid my house of what I suspected was a cursed object.

Err-- what?

Got rid of the cursed object before I went out to coffee.

You do realize you can't just "get rid" of cursed objects, right? You have to purify them or else you can't unequip/drop them from your inventory. Usually this just involves going to a priest and saying "deal with this" and after a fee you're good to go, but sometimes you have to go through a whole ordeal with climbing mountains and throwing rings into the hellfire used to forge it in the first place.

Then I bounced around at loose ends until J. and talked and determined that Hari should stay with him for the night and we would meet at 12 today.

"Tomorrow" or are we not bound by Euclidean geometry suddenly?
YES JUST SLEEP IT OFF AND I'LL REPEAT TODAY AND PICK YOU UP.
I didn't know "The Rogue Bitch" was such an accomplished time mage.

So that was my mother's day. No card, although I did get a bouquet. No one took me out for brunch, but I had a nice coffee date with Tracy. It was a good day, although strangely incomplete.

I just miss Hari.

Err, so when the whole "she's got this ear infection" thing came up you couldn't have just gone along? I mean if you really cared that much would you have gone to Border's and then went home to read and basically done everything except check on your stupid kid?

So you have a day in which you are on the outs with a friend, and you know you boned a Big Important Interview, and you come home with the groceries in the dumps, and go to get the mail --

-- and there's a box on your doorstep with yaoi manga in it!

The day where that happens and the thing that revitalizes my spirits is an animu where the main characters have gay sex is the day I kill myself.
I mean honest to Christ, it's not even something good like Fist of the North Star or Berserk.

I'm leaving this unlocked for other prying parties. It seems I need to provide an orientation for the Next Generation, since some don't really have a clue what "bitch" really means or who I really am.

Words I don't understand.

OMG Twitter. When did it become September on the Internet again?

... September starts in less than two days.

I vented (on Twitter) the other day about a coworker whose statements struck me as particularly dumb.

Wow what a huge mistake. You should have vented on your stupid blog where no one knows you. Your life is pretty devoid of content. You don't need to keep people in the loop.

This was met with one of my coworkers/friends making a statement (on Twitter) about how embarrassing it is when her friends talk shit about each other behind each others' backs.

Yeah, see? Then shit like this happens.

So I took it to her, asking what she meant and asking she talk to me directly if I did something she didn't like.

HURR DURR

Two days later, the party of whom I spoke decided to follow me on Twitter. Suspicious, no?

I'm pretty sure they're not engaging in CLANDESTINE OPERATIONS, here. I'm pretty sure they're not trying to keep this a secret from you, you fucking dunce.

And then today she collared me and asked me "what was up" with saying she was dumb as a box of hammers in a public forum.

"I mean I've encountered turnips with more on the ball than you." NO REMORSE.
I mean you're already a self-described "bitch", so you already suck. Might as well be a bitch with some conviction.

So I told her that she said something I found stupid and vented about it, and I didn't feel I needed to justify myself.

No, see, now you're getting defensive. I DON'T NEED TO JUSTIFY MYSELF WAAAAAH. Just repeat what you think in a different form and not a single fuck was given.

She said she didn't know and why was I acting surprised that something was coming back to me on a public forum.

I'm not fucking surprised.

So what are we doing here, exactly?
Oh, here's her "online lineage" and I'm sure I'm about to be impressed.

1984 -- 14 years old, used a very rudimentary message system at the Hanover Youth Center, which was probably tied in to the Dartmouth system.

Born 1970, so that makes you--
OLD ENOUGH TO NOT BE ACTING LIKE THIS, CERTAINLY.
Know what I was doing in 1984? BEING -3, AND EVEN I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU.
Wow what a tremendously boring story. My own online adventure doesn't even begin until you're halfway through yours and yet mine has stories of destroying demons and aliens.
I guess it's not how long you've lived it's what you do in the interim, huh?

I don't really give a shit about you (whoever you are) and what you think. If I did, I wouldn't vent about you in forums either public or private.

If you didn't give a shit you wouldn't need to vent in the first place.
Am I going insane?

If you find out about what I say, and confront me with it, don't expect me to be apologetic.

I dunno, explaining your course of action in this much depth rings of apology to me. You do realize you don't have to say "I fucked up, I'm sorry" for it to count as an apology, right? An "apology" is just a defense for something, really.
That's why you see in the Bible all those "apologies" to the Galatians and shit.

About the only consequence about this whole idiotic foofaraw that bothers me is that a friend I care about decided to unfollow me because she was "grossed out" and has "too much respect" for me to watch me "act like a thirteen year old". I'm not sure which part of that I'm guilty of: posting in the first place, or asking who might've told the offended party, or..?

ACTING LIKE A 13 YEAR OLD, IDIOT.
Jesus Christ, talking bad about people on Twitter, seriously? Then being "amazed" (or no, not amazed, just so not-amazed you have to act like you're amazed) and having to text your friends about it? You're 40 years old, for Christ's sake.

I am still dealing with the fallout of what happened and still intermittently sad and enraged.

Maybe it's just my own life but somehow when people talk about the "fallout" of their failed relationships I'm somehow less than impressed because when I hear the word "fallout" it's usually in relation to radiation.
Listen I'm sure your relationship was hard but when you say "fallout" I have flashbacks to giant, radiation-mutated scorpions, okay.
Apparently she had a falling out with her friend and now her daughter is upset and who gives a shit, honest to God?
What follows is just an endless litany of fanfiction so I guess it's time to go do something productive with my life.

Life's the same

Today we have "Embracable Aberration" (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ABERRATION THAT CAN BE EMBRACED, PREPARE TO BE PURGED) also known as "Eris_Devotee" and I think I'm getting douche shivers already and we're not even into the blog yet.

There are some things I owe to my mother. Among them is the fact that I'm not a racist or a bigot.

The whole Islamic center in Manhattan debate is making me insane. The constitution could not be more clear about this. I don't understand why there is a debate of any kind whatsoever.

Legally they're allowed but you know how people are and with Manhattan the size it is they couldn't find another block a little further away just to avoid controversy like they must have known they'd generate?
I say build a giant statue to Zeus in the same spot. Fuck you, monotheist.

I don't understand why 18% of Americans think Obama is a Muslim, but like Bob said - "let's say I do believe that. Now ask me if I care."

I don't know and I don't care what religion he is but I do know he's an inept fucker. He even failed to impress me at evading a serious response to this, err, "issue".
Meanwhile the Chinese are revaluing their currency but NOPE WE HAVE ISLAMIC CENTERS TO WORRY ABOUT NOT OUR CRASHING ECONOMY.
I mean if it were president they'd have to explain to me what was happening because I'd be so concerned over my logistical figures and infrastructure issues that this would be the first I'm hearing of this.
SORRY GOT ROADS TO PAVE AND ECONOMIES TO REVIVE, OUT THE WAY.

The nicotine patch is making it easy to quit cigarettes. Day 4 with minimal issues/distractions.

Day four so you're far into this quitting thing.

I think a lot about: what if I had health insurance for the past 20 years.

Based off the shit I've heard so far I'm guessing everyone would have higher premiums.

As someone who has a strong identity=mind=self=soul belief about herself, it's been a rough ride for cognitive struggles to have manifested. Some of it seems a little better, but there's a lot of unpredictability there.

What?
What the fuck does that even mean?

I need a combination of orbital decompression surgery

Err-- uh-huh?

and a shortening of the muscles behind my eyes.

... Why? Usually you hear about this in children who have listing eyes (it's really creepy check it out) and it's a birth defect, not something that sets in later.

I just figured something out that should've occurred to me before: if Graves is an auto-immune disease, then it stands to reason that it is subject to flares just like all other auto-immune diseases.

Oh, okay. I get it now. Now it all makes sense.
This doesn't happen very often, let's bask in the glow of a complete thought on Livejournal. There's a problem and we know why the problem exists.

I'm baffled. Because in every single case, I have my own ideas about how we should go about treatment.

Oh well thank you, Doctor Dumbass.

I got pissed because 1 week after I lowered my meds and stopped prednisone, all my symptoms returned. I was told there was NO WAY it could be hyperthyroidism after only 1 week of lowered meds. And lo and behold, it MUST have been the case because I went all the way back to the other end of the spectrum.

Why can't you just get your thyroid taken out?
I know for a fact this is possible and you can just take some Synthroid to overcome not having an important gland, and then you wouldn't need all these visits to doctors and medications and shit.
But I get it your life is so devoid of anything of value you do this for attention and for something to fill the void.
Do you talk about anything else? Good grief. I've run into ONE OF THESE BLOGS.
Also as a supposed "devotee to Eris" shouldn't you be glad at the discord in your life? I mean that is what Eris does, you know. I mean when your father is Erebus, god of darkness and your mother is Nyx, goddess of the night and your grandfather is CHAOS HIMSELF some decisions are just made for you.

my two best friends from youth, Kate and Darlene, both sensed how sick I was before I went to the hospital. Darlene only got what I had been posting on FB, and Kate got what I was posting on here, but both of them contacted me on the night I was feeling the worst... both of them saying they just sensed something was wrong.

WOW HOW'D YOU TWO LADIES SENSE THAT?
IT'S ALMOST LIKE SHE NEVER SHUTS UP ABOUT IT!
I sense this woman is a real twat who never stops bitching.
Oh man, am I psychic or what?
Further psychic predictions: the sun will rise tomorrow!

um... after a year with actual climate control, I can honestly say that with lupus - I shouldn't live without it.

Lupus and Graves' Disease and quitting smoking and hey wait a minute, shouldn't someone with so many immune system and endocrine system problems not be smoking in the first place? Shouldn't that be a "wow I really have to knock this off pronto or I'll fucking die" type thing?

Well, now I'm nervous/anxious/obsessing...

I called my caseworker for disability to make certain she had received the information about my most recent hospital stay.

OH MY GOD WHO GIVES A FUCK?

And then because it was unknown to the people who read my other blog, I used to to kvetch about lupus and probably just whine in general.

-USED- to?
What do you call all of this, then? Christ all mighty.

A skinny-minny - no. A curves-in-all-the-right-places, shouldn't-we-all-be-so-lucky body at almost 59 years old.

>curves
>right places
Whatever, fat people.

But I really really can't justify smoking, in any way, when semi-serious pericarditis is somewhere my lupus might venture again.

HURR DURR HURRRRRRRRRR
I think I just herped so hard I derped

I'm so fucking bored. Even beyond resting, I just need... something. If the photo shoot happens Wednesday (weather and health depending), I'll have work for a week or so but...

FFXIV beta ended the 25th, I know. But that's okay we're probably only like 2-ish weeks (at most) from the next phase of the beta and the game itself actually comes out in 25 days so it won't be too much longer.
A lot of people are worried about the fatigue system and yeah it's probably going to suck but if your primary complaint about a game is YOU CAN ONLY PLAY YOUR FAVORITE CLASS FOR --EIGHT-- HOURS then what the fuck?
It's not like it's just eight hours a week, either. Level another class you OCD bastard, Christ. That'll work the fatigue for the other class off, won't it?
Or, or if you really want to be balls to the wall (and you will because you're hardcore like that) you could level through the experience penalty.

Tension is...

Something that raises the damage you deal in Dragon Quest, yes.

I still can't shake the OMFG feeling the rises up. As in holy shit all that really just happened.

Oh don't even get me started. I got in this fucking class, right (well, sort of) and I just need to transfer into it but apparently they've lost my add/drop form in the, what, less than a block it is from the professor's office to the admissions office.
This is bullshit, absolute fucking horseshit.
Then compound this with the fact I'M TALKING MY CLASSES OUT OF ORDER OH NO I'm totally fucked for an entire year, aren't I?
Oh well just gotta get this cleared up for really Monday one way or another, I guess.
I feel like a mad man running between all these different offices inquiring about shit they don't even know about but look what I'm reduced to, honest to fuck.

ahhhhh, lust.

It's magick, the best sort, yes it is.

Did you just spell magic with a k?
I know that's how they spell it in a lot of video games because "magic" is like magician pulling a rabbit out of the hat shit and people in video games are conjuring meteors and THE DEVIL but you're not so knock it off.

I'm sitting in the waiting area of my psychiatrist's office. Of course that means I am crocheting. In walks a drug rep (they're all the same - young, pretty, hyper, phony), looks at what I am doing and says...

I scowled at her and said, "actually, it's my job."

Hey at least you're not out in the sun all day laying mortar, asshole.

I wanted to say "if it was fucking therapeutic would I be sitting here you fucking moron".

I cut some shit because I don't care and so she's actually referring to being in a psychiatrist's office. Also I'd like to mention she's married and has a child.
... SURPRISED?

I'm a third wave feminist, and proud of it.

Don't know what that means.
Don't care, either. Keep it to yourself.

I'm pro-Free Will.

Anyone else believe free will is ultimately impossible because even if you can make your own decisions the gulf between what you know and the realm of what can be known is so vast your attempts at exerting your own free will are futile and dust in the wind?
Or am I the only person that thinks of shit like this?
The term "sister-woman" came up on this post and I don't even know what the fuck is happening.

You wanna know what bites my ass lately? When people refer to me as "strong" as if that means I have more raw capacity to deal with life's shit than the person standing next to me.

Yeah, that'd bite my ass too, especially considering it's a blatant fiction.

so... didja know you could get blisters on your eyeballs?

Yeah I did. Did you know your eyelids can dissolve from the inside and they actually curl on themselves, then?
Needless to say the process of this isn't exactly easy on the corneas.
So I think I'm done with this blog now because it's just starting to repeat itself over and over and here's a question: if 2009 and 2010 are "the toughest years for your disease yet" is it getting progressively worse or are you just a drama queen?

I GOTTA DO WHAT?

I GOTTA BELIEVE!
So get this. I have this assignment, right, and I'm supposed to make a blog because as an educator in the 21st century I have to be "with it" and "hip" and so all the kids are blogging (lol wtf acronyms) and so I, too, must blog. "Just use blogger, it's really easy!" Well fuck, now I need to create a dummy email account because if I use this one I can be tied back to another blog where I'm mean to high schoolers on a habitual basis. Not to mention "fuck" is something like the fifth most non-common word I use on this blog.Another thing I have to do is come up with a quote that describes me. Unfortunately "and not a single fuck was given that day" isn't school appropriate, so I'm basically having to create a second identity for the sake of this business. Man, life is needlessly complicated at times.
I also consulted The Good Book (The Warhammer 40,000 rulebook, that is) and while it is filled to the brim with wisdom again I don't think it's exactly what a school system would want to hear from a prospective teacher. By "we are judged in life by the evil we destroy" I mean illiteracy, LOL! (see how hip I am?) Oh right you come here for some other purpose than listen to me prattle. Or maybe you do, but prattle about something specific, namely other blogs. Well here you go, you needy cunt.
I got this blog via the writer's block of the day that asks "What subject you like to become more knowledgeable about, and why?" and our boy is getting a 0/10 for not following instructions.

I have to disagree with this old saying of "knowledge is power"
I think Knowledge is not power, but it is in fact potential power.

Shut up and answer the question, holy God.
Also they forgot the second half of that quote: "guard it well."

How good is it to have so much knowledge if you don't give it use?

Define "use".
If I know something aren't I, by definition, using it somehow?

sad to say; but I've known people that have knowledge about some very important things...yet they don't decide not to do anything.

SEMICOLONS, BOY! SEMICOLONS!

Now, to have the drive for more will usually take you to knowledge. The drive that takes you to know where to look for answers or who to talk to; the drive that could move mountains...only the brave ones have this drive.

You're totally losing me. Let's move on before I get fucking pissed.

So...today I had 1 impossible thing happen,and one I was not counting on.

If it's impossible and it happens-- err, isn't it, by definition, possible?

ha, well the 1 impossible thing I can't talk about since 'tis a tad embarrassing.

OH, OKAY. GLAD YOU BROUGHT IT UP, THEN.

So what if its an old car? heck I was about to buy a car for 5000, but now at the very most I'll waste anything between 400 to 1000 on the rebuilt transmission. This is awesome news!! that was I can deff keep saving my momo for the future trips.

Did you just call "money" "momo"? Also I'm not sure why I thought this was a guy. I'm guessing it's a girl now.

OOOHHh and in other news, my akai mpd finally got here! actually,

Akai MPD. Anyone? Anyone know what that is?
I know "akai" means "red" if this is Japanese we're talking about (and I'm honestly not sure if we are) but that doesn't really--
Perhaps she means "acai" that berry shit. I know the "c" has a tail but my keyboard is English and we don't need all sorts of crazy shit on our letters to express ourselves (master language here).

Just what I needed!
I got some fresh air :) and I mean that literally too lol

As opposed to figuratively where you listened to a pretentious public access radio show, what?

I have some good news! I finally got my AKAI MPD32

All right I'm just going to Google this since this is apparently going to be a consistent issue.
Google image search.
No idea what I'm looking at here.
MIDI-over-USB performance pad for DJs. Ah yes, USB is well known for its sound quality. That's why good quality headphones plug directly into the USB port.
Wait, no--

I'm not feeling so good...not feeling like myself today. Don't really know what's causing this,but I still have that feeling of something "blocking" my thoughts.

DEMONS BEGONE

Which one word would you use to describe yourself, and why?

"Fuck"

Not the most original of questions, but a good one never the less!
Well I don't know if one self can be asked this question without sounding ether too modest or too egocentric.But I think I'd use 2 worlds (that come to mind just now ) and that would be "frustrated passion" since I love to do lot of things, but I don't have some of the qualities to do them.

>One word
>post is 90 words long
Welp.

why do you test me?
I shouldn't really ask "why" because in my head I hear "why not" right after I ask that question.
I'm starting to believe that strange forces are in play.

Heresy creeps into your words.

Have you ever had one strange day where so many things remind you of someone?

NOT A SINGLE DAY IN MY LIFE.

This could all very well be in our imagination; something that we just want it to be so bad, that we push our subconscious to remember. Or, just simply something that is sent. karma?

Karma isn't instant. One day idiot Livejournal users will understand this very simple religious principle. That's my dream.

Destiny or perhaps God is trying to tell us something? (you dumb goof, ponte las pilas!) j/k

If there is a God (let's pretend) do you really think he has so little to do he's meddling in the coincidental stupid shit in your dumb life? Really?

So what is the point to this blog? aaamm.... when have I really had one? lol I mean, do I really have to share a blog/vlog and have a purpose? :P that's no fun.

Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself...

Sometimes you kill yourself to live. Sometimes you run over a Korean family with your car to save a Korean family with your car.
SEE HOW SHIT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE AN IDIOT?

Hmm...everybody has had the thought "what if" going through their head at one point or another.
But at this moment I'm not thinking "what if I had" but "what if I hadn't"

"What if I had bought that Remington 12 gauge?"
"I'd probably be in jail."

Hmm...now that I think about it, one of my bad habits is trying to please everyone at everything. Chotto 怖い desu ne?

WHAT?

Sigh..
so!
Good morning/evening/night to all of you out there in that total chaos of the world! how's it been?

Hello, I must be going.

Let's stay current

Like a dog returning to its vomit, I find myself returning to the subject of THE MEANEST MOM (ALL CAPS POWERS ACTIVATE!) I promised many moons ago to keep tabs on her, and keep tabs on her I have. Here we are for today.

I had an all-day appointment yesterday, so my husband took a day off of work to watch Cameron.

What are you so busy doing to watch your own spawn, woman?
Well that's fair enough, I guess the other idiot needs a chance to get a lesson in what he's been neglecting.

"I spent $100 at the grocery store!" my husband said incredulously when I removed the death mask. "And I didn't buy hardly anything!"

I pretended to be shocked. "You don't say?" I replied.

Hey spare me the sarcasm. It's thanks to my fucking employment you can buy food.
You certainly ain't employed with your doctorate in, what was it? MEDIEVAL LITERATURE?

This weekend, I am going to make him go with me to buy sneakers for all the kids.

Watch yourself now, he might just get the bright idea that none of you are worth the hassle and run off.
Here's her daughter's schedule for school and she's really flattering herself if she thinks I'm interested. Recess is missing and there's a double session of math. Glad I graduated from primary school a while ago.

On Monday, I lined everyone up in front of a rack at Old Navy.

"Pick whatever backpack you want," I told them.

Kids handle decision making notoriously well. You are talking to people whose cognitive abilities don't extend far enough to understanding that when you break something in two you are not, in fact, doubling the amount of something you have.
If you're trying to avoid a production (and you never seem to be, huh) you'd pick two or at most three appropriate backpacks and say "pick your favorite". Most kids, especially boys, could give a fuck so you'd probably do well to just pick a non-girl one for them but you are half an idiot, after all.
I'm sure they had children raising guides back in the dark ages. Surely you've come across one? And don't pull that bullshit "things were different back then" because they were not that different.

Cortlen and Camber quickly found something suitable to their tastes. Kellen took one look at the offerings and threw himself on the floor.

In case you forgot the choice of names.

"All of these backpacks are disgusting!" he cried.

See you gave them too much time to think. Had we used my method we'd already be moving to the next store.

"You touch it, you take it," I told him.

What the fuck, why are we falling back on grade school tactics here?

This morning, I took my kids to see Gregor. When the librarian saw me, he greeted me with a big grin....turned upside down.

Gregor. Why does everyone in your life have a name straight out of some scifi movie?

This week, my boys attended Vacation Bible School at a local church.

>Vacation
>Bible
>School
What? It's like three terms that don't make sense together.

Another church located directly across the street from the VBS church ran a medieval-themed dance camp for girls at the same time.

Medieval-themed dance camp.
So let me see if I understand this correctly: you take an awesome era of history involving knights, jousting, political scheming, the coining of the phrase "assassin" (exactly what it is today), the reemergence of humanist principles straight from the cruelty of the crusaders, the discovery of gunpowder, optics, astronomy and chemistry (through a pseudoscience called alchemy), several people so badass fictional accounts have to be toned down because there's no way people today would believe someone that awesome actually existed and dancing was the best thing they could come up with?
Whatever, Church.

This afternoon was Camber's dance recital. During the only 30 minute period of the week when my cell phone ringer was turned off, Cortlen got stung by a bee at Bible school.

Probably a mistake for dividing your children amongst activities. You had too many kids, that's a fact, so you should probably enroll them all in the same shit, yeah?
Also we have already established this is something none of your kids want to do, so just stay home and watch TV, Christ all mighty.

I apologized profusely to a group of women with clipboards in their hands and explained the situation, pointing to my daughter (who was wearing a cardboard breastplate and carrying a sword covered with aluminum foil) as evidence.

Oh yeah and Joan of Arc. Man these activities suck, fuck me. You could not have had more interesting shit going on and yet here we have dance and the Bible. The human imagination truly is an uncreative as advertised.

In Florida, it's the reptiles.

I don't have anything against lizards, but I don't particularly like to find them in my shower stall or running across the sidewalk every time I step foot outside my house.

Lizards are awesome, what's wrong with you? Look at the picture of the one you linked on your own blog. The fucker is blending in with that tree perfectly. That's fucking rad.

On Tuesday, I took my kids to the park and sat down on top of one. In my defense, the lizard was the same color as the park bench.

If the lizard wasn't sick when I sat down, it certainly was when I stood up. The thing was alive, but it didn't look so good.

Important lesson today, kids. We're going to learn about death and futility.

For reasons which I don't understand, my kids were more concerned about the condition of the reptile than my mental health. The shriek could be heard for miles.

Yes we're going to watch this lizard die a slow, painful death. Remember the helplessness you feel now. In the future remember to choose death and end its suffering.

This morning, one of the local movie theaters in town opened its doors to Orlando's youngest citizens, offering anyone under the age of 10 a free ticket to see Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie.

Wow the theaters around here were showing Aliens. Not to 10 year olds obviously but as their "movies that haven't been in the theaters for a while" movie.
FLORIDA SUCKS HOLY SHIT.

Once the movie started, and I realized that all of the characters in it were vegetables, I began to actively look around for fire alarms.

... Really? A movie with the subtitle "A Veggie Tales Movie" stars talking vegetables?
Guess what: Aliens features, get this, aliens!

The three rows in front of us in the movie theater were occupied by preschoolers from a daycare center.

"Don't you think it's weird that a bunch of little kids can keep their hands to themselves during a movie but you guys can't?"

"It's almost like kids don't raise themselves you stupid cunt," would be my response. It'd be worth the time out.
I'd like to point out again that while you're raising your kids to be strippers and spouse-abusing alcoholics my kids will be future assassins. I'm not saying your kids suck but at least mine will always be employed.
You had two perfect life lessons in that lizard about camouflage (and how it does and more importantly doesn't work) and death, and you instead chose to focus on your own mental health. Whoop-de-shit you sat on a lizard. You'll survive.

Earlier tonight I gave a presentation to the teenage girls in my church about the importance of education.

"Our own glorious institution has fought tooth and nail since the dawn of its inception against education. Scholasticism was the first step against education: smart reading-types were locked away in monasteries. Coincidence? It is against the church's best interest to have people educated."

"If you call them bracelets one more time, I'm going to gnaw my arm off," threatened the Wanderer a few days ago.

See what I mean? Killer instincts in these kids. They can be turned into helpful members of society.

I'm nominated again for Blogluxe's Funniest Blog Award!

BA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

Woo Hoo! I feel tremendously honored, as even being nominated for this award is a big deal. Last year, I narrowly missed out on standing on the winner's podium and I am super psyched to be in the running again alongside some really funny blogs.

HA, HA, HA, HA HOLY SHIT STOP.

I feel a little lame asking you this on the heels of what is ironically one of my few serious posts, but will you consider voting for me?

Hoo-boy that was entertaining for a minute there. You, funny?
HA!
Oh look, targets. This "Blogluxe" is an ally. Going to have to keep this in mind.
Anyway I guess that's it. Remember: I'm always watching.

Billie Jean's not my lover

She's just a girl who claims that I am the one.
Anyway today's blog comes to us from WoWLadies (heh) and, being a player of World of Warcraft, she is a furry. No surprise there. Enjoy your shitty Cataclysm expansion, fags. Meanwhile I'll be over here playing superior games~
Speaking of there's some news coming for FFXIV. I'm not about to leak it here because after losing my mind for two days just to get into the beta I'm not about to compromise it but needless to say it's pretty interesting.Anyway this is one of them journals where you have to agree you're fourteen years of age OR OLDER to every entry not to mention you have to agree before you even enter the blog. I'm pretty sure if I was fourteen when I first entered I'll be fourteen when I view each entry, won't I? What, am I suddenly going to get scared and turn around? Fuck that.
First thing I notice about the first post (after agreeing I'm old enough, naturally) is that her tags include "love life" and "sex queen" which a quick reminder where I found this blog will ensure I'm about to be grossed out.

Hey! Guess what!

I know that there are people who are new to my journal (and me).

MWUAHAHAHA.

I hate it when people do "evil laughter" ironically (xD). UR SO BAD, E_MILY!

Welcome, folks.
So, here's the deal.

Oh, here's the deal. Man, I feel so plugged in lately. It's like I'm getting the inside view of everything important lately!

I (mostly) keep a public journal.

Rest assured, ye unwashed masses: if it is posted somewhere where more than one person can read it, it is fully public. Therefore, the only safe place to keep a secret is locked away within your own mind.

Certain things are locked to f-groups because some people don't want to know about some stuff and some (but not most of my life) stuff I only want to talk about with certain people.

Oh so that's how that works. I thought all people were open books all the time. My mistake I guess. Seriously though I have not met one person who has said "I don't want to talk about it" who didn't immediately start talking about it upon using certain real life cheat codes. I call it the "conversational clip mode". Walking through the walls of this conversation, excuse me.

The biggest way this impacts those of you who are new?

This is important because this is going to affect my enjoyment (I can't put enough sarcasm quotes around the word "enjoyment" so I won't even try) of this blog so I better pay attention.
Goddamn I've been at this for two years now and I've never seen rules that come with a blog before. This is really unreasonable.

(srsly, if I put you on a "private-type" filter, that's up to me. Although if any of you are on a filter that lets you read posts that you'd rather not, feel free to let me know.)

What, like I care that much? Assuming I live in a parallel dimension where I did, you really don't think I'd know? I could be through your cute little filters in about fifteen seconds. You are not so good with computers to keep me out.

I keep my sex-and-body-TMI stuff behind a filter, because I know there are some people who'd rather not know.

I'd like to point out I had to agree three times to even read this (another warning, oddly enough). I think you've eliminated all but the most dedicated.

And I know that there are those of you who either don't care about knowing, or DO want to know.

So let's cover what we know so far:she may (or may not) tell people what they did (or didn't) want to know through a complex series of filters I'm not sure I fully understand, but if you think you've been set under the wrong filter group (tailoring my reading experience to me, this is really emergent game play) I can apply for a new filter group.
I've never seen a blog with an application process. You really are self-important, aren't you?
Incidentally this post was from 2025 so we have a few years before this'll occur I guess.
Hokay. Pretty sure I figured out the vows, rewritten. (We forgot to keep a copy.)
Oh we're taking written vows, this is pretty serious.
Honor is all, remember that.

I, (name) take you, (name), to be my partner. Loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. We will share all of life's experiences, and support each others' goals and dreams. I give you my hand, my heart, and my devotion, from this day forward.

That's a dumb vow. There's not even a provision it where you agree to not take future vows that will, in so doing, violate previous vows. I see all sorts of loopholes in this.
A vow should, first and foremost, demonstrate that your word is your bond, otherwise what's the point in even vowing something?

I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness.

AND MY AXE. Wait, no, no that's Lord of the Rings.
Oh there's you and your husband. He looks impotent. He also looks like half an idiot. Actually you both do.Congratulations I guess. Enjoy your life of mediocrity.

Will just picked up his tux, and the tie and vest are green.

We ordered purple.

Depending on the shade those contrast. What, you wanted your exact-fucking-order, princess? Close enough, whatever.

ETA: hahahaha so the clerk jotted down green (Will was being a butt and joking "So I'm getting a green one?" the whole time we were there ordering them and I was firmly insisting "No, purple.") and now they're scrambling to fix it.

So you said green and purple and you were amazed when you got the wrong thing. I'm about to drag out my color wheel here to conclusively prove you cannot have "green-purple" because they sit on the opposite side of the color wheel and therefore create brown.

The first TEN people to comment in this post get to request

Fuck too bad I wasn't there to post. "Fucking kill yourself" would be my request.

ONE shiny (probably) cute little drawing of something.

Oh. What-the-fuck-ever.

Is it August 16th yet?

God I miss work.

Oh what's up EDUCATIONAL ENGINEER (fancy term I just invented for "someone who works at a school").

Once again, Mystery Vegetable Pasta proves its versatility and deliciousness!

This post is rated T for Teen I can't believe I have to click on each individual entry to read about delicious pasta.

You know what's really, really cool, Eljay?

SCIENCE.

>Eljay

Quick, name that game!

Our wedding bands came today!

The perfect tungsten carbide traditional domed plain bands, courtesy of a good deal on SparkleCartel.

Oh yeah, I'll take that 8.5-9.0 Mohs rating over gold any day.

Personally I think wedding bands MADE OF IRON would be a lot cooler.
Tungsten. What a pussy metal.
Tier list of metals:
god tier: iron
high tier: copper, bronze, steel, gold
shit tier: all else

Eljaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy I need help from somebody who knows shit about flowers.

Get violets and forget-me-nots you dumbshit. Jesus Christ, do I have to tell you idiots everything? Now I'm telling people how to get married. It's almost like they need more people with the answers and less people asking dumb ass questions on the internet or something.
WE NEED A WEDDING CEREMONY I NEED TO FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS
Jesus Christ I hate everything.

Check my fandoms, my favorite characters, the pairings I like the most, my kinks, my fictional crushes, anything. Now, in a friendly and possibly teasing way, point out the obvious and not so obvious trends or fetishes you see in my tastes.

I won't be doing this, but please, continue to waste my time.
Actually just kidding I have games to beta test and shit to do. Enjoy your shitty life and World of Warcraft, I guess. Meanwhile I'll be punching the fuck out of these Puks and beetles. ALSO MINING.
MINING ALL DAY ERREDAY
A DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS~

IT'S LIKE THE MISTS OF TIME ARE RETREATING FROM MY SIGHT

WHEN MY FLESH IS BUT DUST IN THE SOIL AND MY BONES ARE BUT LOAM MY SPIRIT WILL RETURN TO THE COSMOS--
Oh right, hi. I beat the odds. I got into the FFXIV beta so that's why my entry is a little late. It was an epic struggle (literally. I don't mean "lol epic xD" I mean this story is literally worthy of song) but what can I say? It was an easy matter for one of my skill. Basically it involved paying seven bucks for a chance (a chance, mind, but when my chance is 100% I'll take it) and waiting. I waited for two days, basically.
Then when the flood gates opened I was one of probably less than 50 people out of thousands to EMERGE VICTORIOUS.
Anyway here we have someone who claims their skills are great but they are clearly mistaken. I found this blog on Fatshionita (see what they did there). Fat girls into fashion, heh.

So I was mildly bored by last night's True Blood, even though tons of important stuff was happening, and then suddenly came the last five minutes when Russell Edgington abruptly became the awesomest thing in the history of television and totally pwned everything that has ever existed.

I'd get on your shit about "awesomest" and "pwned" but let me tell you what isn't boring: FFXIV. Everything that abortion of an entry XIII should have been and more and it isn't even out yet.

He's about to come pick me up and we're gonna go through the Starbucks drive-through.

It bears mentioning that Starbucks uses real cream in their coffee. Just a thought for why you weigh 500 pounds. Also the smithing mini game in FFXIV makes absolutely no fucking sense. I don't get this.

I am going to once attempt to listen to an audiobook while I make the eight-hour drive home to Janesville.

I wish Lance Henriksen would record an audio book. Tell me he couldn't make even Stephen King listenable. Him or Mickey Rourke, hmm.

It is so beautiful outside that it is almost physically painful for me to be sitting here in my windowless office. It is 75 degrees with a clear blue cloudless sky and a light breeze. It's making me ache.

Hmm that must be really tough. I'm guessing the reason you're in pain is because you are 300 pounds overweight and your heart doesn't have any room to beat anymore.
What do you think, should I level lancer or marauder next? Lancer looks promising.

We often say that everyone's good at something. Everyone has a skill set. Generally when we say that, we're talking about the Big Skills.

My craft is mental illness. Who else could sit there for 5 hours doing nothing but refreshing Twitter? Never again, incidentally. If I see that dumb fucking Twitter icon again in my life it'll be too soon.
Then I unraveled the secret: just camp their forums and when the admin posts click the "claim beta code" button over and over and don't give a single fuck about loading times and all that shit.

I'm good at ironing.

Yeah. I know. Ironing? It's true.

IRONING? BUT ONLY ONE PERSON HAS EVER BEEN GOOD AT THAT SKILL-- Jeeesus Christ.

Saturday afternoon I went in search of a tank top and some jewelry to wear with a new dress. Then I had a massage.

Massaging fat deposits.

someone's mom had made all this super awesome vegan food including dairy-free ice cream in flavors like wasabi and peppercorn basil

wasabi ice cream. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Okay, guys. I need the wisdom of the flist! I need some new tunes for the exercise playlist.

I don't know, somehow exercising after eating gallons of wasabi flavored ice cream hardly seems like a reasonable solution to losing weight.

So since I am clueless, I must come to you to find out what have been the big popular club/dance hits this summer? I've already got that Flo Ride "The Club Can't Handle Me" song. Lately I've been listening to Taio Cruz's "Break Your Heart" a lot.

I hear all you kids like Kajagoogoo's "Too Shy" or perhaps Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round". Those are popular in the dance clubs with you kids, right?

What songs should I be dling for the Pod?

ETA: I wrote this two hours ago and then went off to do other things.

Billie Jean is another good choice. Or how about Def Leppard's Armageddon It? That was a big hit on this blog last entry.

I'm about to go all science geeky on yo ass. Be warned.

There are a number of concepts in chemistry which are super useful shorthand for regular life.

Oh yeah? Chemistry is useful in every day life? How so, Bill Nye?

The first is activation energy. Basically this is the energy barrier you must overcome to do a chemical reaction. The driving force behind pretty much everything in the universe is that Low Energy Is Better And More Stable, as anyone who's ever spent a Saturday afternoon on a couch can tell you. So you've got some starting materials, happy and content and stable and relatively low energy.

BORING LET'S SET OFF A VOLCANO INSTEAD. Baking soda + vinegar =
See it's the same principle only a lot more interesting than you being boring for ten paragraphs about shit I learned in high school.

You'll all be SO relieved to know that my second attempt at styling my hair as well as my hairdresser does was much more successful.

I know it's impossible to hear sarcasm over the internet but I'm just going to pretend you're being sarcastic.

I'm sure you've been on the edge of your seats, dying to know what's going on with my hair.

Probably sarcasm.

Yesterday while I was driving to work, I saw a large rectangular bumper sticker on the car ahead of me. It had a picture on it of a smiling, handsome young man. Then I got close enough to read it. It said "17-year-old Jordan saved the lives of four people by being an organ donor" and then went on to urge me to be an organ donor, too (I already am).

I saw a bumper sticker recently: "Jesus saves". The funny thing was the car was on the side of the road with the front all caved in from the truck that had just hammered it. I guess Jesus doesn't save from on head collisions.

Now, I'm no marketing genius. But if I'd been designing that sticker, I'm not sure if that's the way I would have gone. Because all I could think about then was that smiling, handsome young Jordan in the photo had suffered some untimely, tragic accident likely involving brain injury, had his organs harvested and is now dead, dead, dead.

My bumper sticker would have been going on about JORDAN'S HEROIC SACRIFICE and how WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE TO EMULATE HIS EXAMPLE. Mine would be way more effective.

So I am chilling at home tonight. I'm cooking dinner for the peeps tomorrow so I picked some recipes and went to Whole Foods for groceries. Lots of produce and vegetables. Spur of the moment bottle of wine from a local winery that looked yummy.

There's something about the word "yummy" that brings my piss to a boil. Have I ever told you about the worst show on television, incidentally? It's called "Yummy Mummy" and I'd rather watch an infant being strangled to death than Yummy Mummy. It's all about how these cunts are going to not watch the kids they squirted out and sit around in a cafe and drink Keystone Light. Whenever I see it I have to stop doing whatever I'm doing because I need my whole body to hate these people.

Have you ever seen purple sausage? You have now!

I sure have. I think I'd throw that away if I were you.

This is the Ginger Blueberry chicken sausage I bought last weekend at the farmer's market.

Ginger
blueberry
chicken
sausage.
Not everything is like peanut butter and chocolate, people. You can't just stack things that taste good and expect to have a coherent taste.
I'm not even being some pro gourmand here, either. One of my favorite foods is chicken nuggets from Wendy's.

Okay, geeks, nerds, fangirls, fanboys, and geek-adjacent folk of every variety. I have a topic. More like a hypothesis based on observation.

Oh hey, don't give a shit.

In any canon which has a definite central character, that character is the one that gets the least love from the fandom.

I said I don't give a shit, why are you still blabbing at me?

Luke Skywalker? Don't think so.

I'd argue Anakin Skywalker (Darth Vader) is the actual main character of the Star Wars canon even though Luke was the main character of the good movies (the older three).

So, what do you think? Have you seen this phenomenon in YOUR fandoms?

I don't have any "fandoms". Anything I like that other people happen to like I try to keep away from those people as much as possible.

It really is fantastic. It's just so...Holmes. It's porn for Holmes enthusiasts, the way the classic Holmes tropes have been updated and reimagined. Holmes performs the same deductions on Watson when they first meet as he did in the books, except instead of a pocket watch, he deduces Watson's family problems from his phone. Instead of monographs, Holmes has a website. Instead of chronicling his adventures with Holmes in diaries, Watson keeps a blog.

That sounds awful. I can't even begin to imagine watching this horseshit. What, so bankrupt for ideas whoever made this you're just going to take all of the creative bits and just say "OH LOOK, WATSON HAS AN iPAD NOW!" and people like this? I can't say I'm surprised, actually. People are pretty stupid and will watch anything with Apple products in it.

He wears nicotine patches instead of smoking a pipe and there are references to him being an addict in recovery.

Oh get it because Holmes was an opium fiend in the books.
Wow.
Well anyway I have to go on my own Sherlock Holmes mystery in FFXIV. Only unlike Holmes I like to have a back up plan. Gotta get my gat.

ARMAGEDDON IT

Holy fuck I'm tired today. Let's read some shitty blogs to enhance this somnambulistic (see I can use big words too, asshole) mood for no reason.

This week's word brought to you by Lies My Teacher Told Me by James W. Loewen, a really interesting read about the real stories behind our American history myths, from Plymouth Rock to Vietnam, and the sociological implications of teaching these myths.

Lies My Teacher Told Me. Your entire life is a lie carefully constructed to make your existence seem more important and interesting than it actually is.
... You can't actually say that in schools, you do realize.

Syncretism [sing-kri-tiz-uhm, sin-] noun

Yes that word means the joining of disparate beliefs into one unified belief. The Greeks did this when they journeyed outside of Greece and found people believe other shit than what they believe. Then instead of saying "you're wrong" and burning them they tried to unify all the beliefs. Took people a while to figure out conquering and burning is way more profitable.

1. the attempted reconciliation or union of different or opposing principles, practices, or parties, as in philosophy or religion.

Yeah I said that already. Close your fucking Thesaurus. Asshole.

Dear England,
On behalf of my ancestors (in a broad sense, at least, because my biological ancestors didn't actually immigrate to the US until the 1800s), I just want to say I'm sorry we were so uppity and dumped all your tea into the Boston Harbor.

... Wait are you for real? "Sorry we started that whole Revolutionary War thing?" TRAITOR.

It was really childish and not very nice and I jut wanted to apologize.

"Sorry about protesting unfair taxes and treatment we were real dickholes." Goddamn in Warhammer you would have already been shot.

As you can see, we've done a fine job of breeding ever more fucktards in your absence, but if it weren't for the terrifying levels of obesity, we're a pretty attractive bunch of fucktards on the whole.

Percent of population that is obese:1. US: 30%
2. Mexico: 24.2%
3. United Kingdom: 23%
WOW 7% DIFFERENCE.
Source if you're a nerd and care about shit like this.
I'm not going to touch the "fucktard" argument because we are pretty fucking stupid in the US but I'd hardly say:

You, on the otherhand, seem to have a decent stock of average to highly intelligent citizens that are fucking ugly.

Okay. Maybe you haven't spoken to a lot of British people (I actually have, somehow) and I'm here to tell you they are as stupid as Americans.

I would therefore like to propose you take us over once again as we can't run a government worth shit but can definitely help with the in-breeding of uggos if you can manage to get us to eat better.

This is traitorous on levels I can't even begin to ponder. I mean yeah our government is fucked up and stupid but I hardly think turning it back over to the British is the right course of action.
YOUR GRANDFATHER (probably) DIDN'T FIGHT IN WWII FOR THEM TO JUST HAND THE COUNTRY TO THE BRITISH.

We are willing to submit to the queen and her metric system but not your drive-on-the-left thing because you're the only ones that do it and we both know it's bullshit.

>only
>here's a map
I know you're trying to be "lulz funny" but it's this fantastic mish-mash of "shit you don't understand" with "shit you know nothing about" and it just makes you look like an asshole.
Now here's a post where she explains in quite a few paragraphs how Transformers II is shit.
I could quote this and we could talk about it in length but I can summarize Transformers II with just two words: MICHAEL BAY.
Here are "5 Best Work Habits". I think I see why everyone is such a goddamn pussy now.

Spread positive energy. Start viewing issues or tasks as personal challenges rather than problems. This raises the potential for good results and more pleasure achieving them.

"Personal challenge" to me (and anyone else trapped in the 13th century) suggests "issue of personal honor" in which case I'm certainly not spreading positive energy. I'm issuing challenges to duels. I think I see where she's going with this PERSONAL CHALLENGES ARE A CHANCE FOR PERSONAL BETTERMENT AND GROWTH HERP DERP but goddamn 95% of every problem you can have at work relates to people not doing what they're supposed to be doing in which case you're better off just doing it yourself in the first place.

Leave gossip and complaints out of your dialogue - your upbeat attitude can be contagious and make a difference in everyone's productivity.

Read: be boring and above-it-all this is a surefire way to secure your coworkers' hate and therefore ensure you will never get a promotion.
Fly under the radar, make it seem like you have real aspirations (or better yet, make yourself seem too stupid to attain a higher position) but make yourself indispensable to your organization.

Plan, plan, plan. If you don't, the day may take you anywhere, possibly where you don't want to go. Planning directs your energy toward the most appropriate activities and better use of your time.

Never plan shit. The best laid plans, etc.
Remember, the less you know about your own actions the less predictable you are.
The more surprise you have the better off you'll be in the long run.

-List your plans and must-do tasks for the next day or week, then mark off items as you get them done. Seeing what you've accomplished can keep you motivated.

The future is trivia. Plan for today's success today and tomorow's success tomorrow.

-Clear the clutter. Removing distractions can improve your focus. Streamline and organize procedures as much as possible. Keep equipment running smoothly to stay on track.

Chaos moves at its own pace, not yours.

Put off procrastination. Difficult or boring activities are tempting to bypass but delays may add work and create stress for you.

There is no such thing as a difficult task for one of my skill.

Besides, checking chores off your to-do list feels good and lets you move on to the activities you enjoy most.

Yeah: going home. I'm not here to pretend this is a fun project I want to be doing. I'm getting my shit done, leave me be.

-Stay connected. Keep the lines of communication open to co-workers [Teachers] nearby and in other locations. Our modern means of communication allows us to easily stay in touch and let others know we're available.

Our modern lines of communication ensure there's more noise and less actual communication. Leave this horseshit to the last possible minute. The less time responding to tweets the more you look like you're doing something important.
Remember it doesn't actually matter if you're doing something important, as long as you look important it's good enough.

CSR, on speakerphone: And where would you like this order shipped?
Secretary: 123 Main St.*, Los Alamos, New Mexico.
CSR : We don't ship out of the country.

... Where can I talk to someone who isn't a complete moron?

Secretary: That's fine, but this address is in the country.
CSR : No, you said to ship it to New Mexico.

See what I mean about flying under the radar and doing shit for yourself? Most of your coworkers are this idiot.

I have to write a 500 word essay explaining what plagiarism is.

Just quote Webster's dictionary and don't cite it. That explains everything perfectly.

I'm 600 words in and haven't even breached the actual subject yet.

Wow we're the exact opposite. I would have completed this task in about 50 words and then padded for 450. All things said I'd rather have your skill than mine as far as college is concerned. While I express everything in glorious, concise language WORTHY OF THE FINEST POETS IN HISTORY I still need to write 450 more words. School is ass-backwards, man.

I love Autumn. I love the smell in the air, the slight chill in the mornings, the roasted green chile, Halloween, and the tradition of which I've taken part for seventeen years now: going back to school.

... Wow I guess if you get points for being completely off-fucking-topic I'd pass you.

I show up the first week with high expectations and a representation of the best me out for everyone to see.

By my calculations FFXIV comes out 29 days after classes start so you have my rapt attention for one entire month.
Speaking of: dick move you pulled today, SE. IMPORTANT EMAIL FROM SQUAREENIX.
OH SHIT OH SHIT TODAY'S FINALLY THE DAY
"we've updated our privacy policy"
Oh right your stupid essay.

Classes start like new relationships.

Tons of sex, what?

We're all eager to meet and please each other and we just know that this is the year to wow everyone with our knowledge of Advanced Calculus or Taxonomy for the Faint of Heart.

Oh yeah I can't wait to meet which of you assholes is going to be yapping too much and ruining my fucking semester.

I show up with the books and open ears, and you, dear professor, show up with your infinite exuberance and wisdom- and the syllabus.

"I didn't get the book yet because I want to see if it's a waste of money. I've been burned a lot by this in my life."
You must be a freshman, good grief.

I flip through it as I excitedly nod my head and smile at you as you rattle on about some subject that I think sounds just so exciting; I scan for due dates, grade breakdowns, required reading, and ...university policy?

"I've taken this exact class under a different heading so excuse me while I see if I can reuse any of my essays. I understand this is technically plagiarism (plagiarizing from myself, what) but I won't tell on myself if I won't tell on myself."
Also I'd fail you instantly for using a personal pronoun in a definition. I don't know how you can miss the purpose of an assignment this hard but goddamn.

Yes, I know. Don't copy. Don't plagiarize. Put direct quotes in, surprisingly, quotation marks, and for goodness sake, if you didn't think up the idea all by yourself cite your sources!

Actually if your quote is longer than four lines you're supposed to put it in a block quote with no quotation marks. See you don't know it all.

I know this. Please understand that I do.

Fuck off, I wanted 500 words and this is now 600 with no point in sight. Thanks for making my job harder. Guess who's getting rounded down.

However, before you think I consider the subject to be trite, I want to make clear that while I know this to be an important and unfortunately ignored area of morality in the realm of modern education,

"Unfortunately ignored"? I have to sign (in my own blood, even) that I agree to not cheat before every single test I take. I'm sure my school isn't unique in this either.

I'm the face that always comes on time, or not, and asks poignant, or not, questions,

Let's take a timeout to focus on your diction and grammar, Jesus.

If, when that first assignment is finally due, your ideas about me don't really match the amazing illuminations I've brought forth on paper or my quirky personality doesn't lend itself to the droll and uniform conclusions I've come up with, you become suspect.

THANKS FOR EXPLAINING HOW SCHOOL WORKS, CAN YOU PLEASE DEFINE THE WORD?

That was my opinion before the Olympics and it hasn't changed much since. Who's fucking idea was it to have the Olympics there? Actually, it may have been a good idea because it brings people's attention to the fact that China sucks.

I dunno I thought they did a pretty bang-up job with the Olympics. Remember when they made that skeleton track so incredibly fast with such hairpin turns that guy crashed and died? Finally, a sport that can appease Zeus, THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF THE OLYMPICS IF I MAY BE SO BOLD.
Anyway your blog just gets really long and stupid from this point out so I think I'm going to go do something with my life.

BOREDOM

I found this person through, what was it, Dark Stitch, the Gothic sewing circle. At first I was really excited, though. Shit, people stitching the way WOMEN DID IN THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY. Back when people knew how to make a fucking building.
But no, it's like Hot Topic shit. Oh well.

So, the day that I officially moved into my new house, i planted a variety of... well, plants.

WOOOOW.

The reason that I hate to garden is that you have to do it.... outside- with the bugs and dirt and filth. I'm just not really the kind of person who goes outside- if you can't tell from the lovely tan that I'm rocking- I don't like most of the things that are not inside a hermetically sealed lab.

Two of the most meandering sentences I've ever read, Jesus Christ.

When you're gardening indoors, it's freaky how similar to Harvest Moon the process actually is.

Oh yeah, there's a lot of pressing B to be done when gardening inside. Also romancing the florist girl.

The flower is the HM equivalent of a turnip-

Grows fast, sells for nothing and you wonder why you bothered?

they sprout in a very short time, presumably just to show you that the process works.

Ah.

It's strange how I used to think of evolution, really. I knew that plants were constantly living, breathing (thanks for the O2, btw) and evolving along with the rest of us, but, I suppose as an ethnocentric animal, when I think of evolution, i tend to think of myself and my fellow critters evolving, struggling, living against a blank green background.

Evolution doesn't really work like Pokemon. You can't actually observe things evolving. It's kind of a slow process over millions and millions of years and things don't really get "better" they just adapt to their environment. If the environment doesn't change then neither does the animal.

Oh man, I am so upset. So, let's not shy away from it- I'm an American, a US American for those of you aggravating people who don't understand our ethnocentrism and think that the rest of the continent(s) count(s).

No, really?

We're a Capitalist society, which, for the most part has worked out pretty well (if you ignore all of history, as we do) but lately, I'm feeling a crunch.

Speak for yourself, cunt. No one observes history as keenly as I do.

Now that I've bitched about everything going on in my life, not being able to pay my bills, my house falling apart, my car falling apart, ect. Lets take a moment to explain why that makes me a bitch. I am broke as hell and bitching because the government doesn't give a damn.

So get a job?

You know who barely has a government? Haitians.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Also: yeah, look where that got the Haitians.

I know that we were fucked pretty hard core when the hurricane hit here, I mean, the road signs were gone, the water line was up, and a lot of people dies from exposure or starvation. I wasn't one of them. I have running water; full of coal slurry, but running none-the-less to be boiled and used.

So--
wait I'm a little lost. Are you angry at the government or not?

These folk are royally fucked- I mean, there were a lot of ares without basic necessities anyway; from what the TV tells me, and now they got nothing. That kind of pisses me off, because, and my geography is poor, I thought that Hatti was off the coast of NY/Florida side of the states.

They're "off the coast of Florida" in the same sense Australia is "off the coast of Japan". Neighbors, technically, but distant ones.

Like, right off the coast, Caribbean close. To the point where a lot of folk can live in the States and still have realitives that have lost everything.

But there are a lot of people in the US. Remember a few years ago when Russia invaded Georgia (you don't but pretend for a minute). I'm sure there were "US Americans" as you put it who had family affected by that, and yet I don't hear you bitching about-- whatever your butthurt is (I can't really tell to be honest).

That... kind of makes us assholes, guys.

Billions and billions of dollars in aid pledged to Haiti straight from the US and we're assholes?
How, exactly?

So remember, no matter how bad your life is, if Mother Nature hasn't taken revenge on you yet; you're doing better then a lot of folk.

I hope Zeus sticks a pronged lightning bolt straight up your ass for how fucking stupid you are about semicolons.

Alright, now that I'm out of soap and my box has collapsed, let's talk Zombies.

I still don't understand why you're butthurt. You're angry at the government for not helping you but then you're not because the US provides you with things like running water and paved roads and then you are because the US "didn't do anything" to help Haiti even though they did and-- oh this is doing my head in.

I mentioned in my last blog that I had RE5 sitting on my shelf and hadn't opened it yet. Well, now it's opened and I must say, possibly the best RE yet.

>5
>best Resident Evil
girlsplayingvideogames.jpg

I've got to say that prior to RE4 I wasn't a huge fan. I liked the storyline, but I'm just not a survival horror kind of gamer- I HATE fixed camera angles and pre-rendered backgrounds you LAZY ASS PROGRAMMERS.

It was the PS1. You don't remember video games from then because you just got into this when the Wii came out I'm sure but trust me computing wasn't at a stage where it could support advanced graphics. That's okay because we didn't know any better. Mario 64 was in REAL 3D and that was it, graphics were never getting any better than that.

It is not mood-setting, it is not frightening, it is not suspenseful, it is ANNOYING! When I am trying to shoot something in the head, I step backwards, and the screen changes, that is just BAD PROGRAMMING that certainly could have been eliminated in the PS2 era, but it took you until RE4 to get it?

Maybe you've never seen a movie before. Let me explain how cinematics work: camera angles enhance mood. In a video game where you have full command over the camera to see all the shit that's about to leap out at you it becomes less scary, doesn't it? It becomes less about "survival" (important word in the genre Resident Evil is part of, SURVIVAL horror) and more about "search and destroy". Just because you're too stupid to accommodate changing controls (read: it's not that hard) doesn't make them bad games.
No, what makes any RE after 2 but before 4 (this is somehow more than just 3) bad is because they aren't very interesting.

I'm sexist, so I like that there's a girl.

Yeah man, that's what Resident Evil was missing.
Claire Redfield? Who's that, again? Jill Valentine?
LISTEN, THERE'S A GIRL NOW.

OK, so finals are over! Woot! As a reward, I have come into a rather large collection of Wii games, and I've started to break them in.

GAYMAN WITH THE WII
Let's see, what are some good Wii games? Monster Hunter Tri immediately comes to mind.

First up, some downloaded stuff that I have been wanting to play since I was like 12. I finally went through and beat Paper Mario, what I assumed, and have never been corrected, was a sequel to Mario RPG.

I think I had something to say here but I don't remember what it was.

It was pretty strait-up Mario RPG, which was cool- I actually liked that game, the way that the battles were kinda turn based, except you could defend or avoid attacks without wasting turns, with button combos

"Kinda" turn based in that they were turn based 100%.

I always hated that I could be a level 99 fighter or something, and then get hurt by a cactar. Once you get high enough, no goomba can touch you. Fun, not really that challenging RPG.

Err, explain that? I mean I could be the best boxer in the entire world and if 20 weaklings gang up on me I'm getting pummeled.

Which is quite the opposite of the New Super Mario Brothers for Wii.

No, okay. Something I should be used to by now. Stupid thoughts given absolutely no qualification.

We Sonic kids don't do to good on survival horrors; see, we lived through an era that taught us to live without fear in video games, so the things that are supposed to scare me, like cinematic fixed camera angles, kinda just piss me off.

I can't believe I'm getting a lecture about video games from you.

Call of Duty, Modern Warfare, I have but a single question for you.

I mean Jesus Christ, you bought Modern Warfare for the Wii, what can you possibly know about anything?

Why is it so hard to split the screen in half? What is up with all these new games having on-line only co-op?

It's 2010 and most people have the internet? Infinity Ward only wants your money and doesn't actually care about you? I don't know. Research things before buying them.

But I actually considered myself realitivly good at anything Eidos had ever produced. I've been obsessed with Tomb Raider since it came out; remember? There was an entire generation of us... Lara was the first real game heroine that wasn't wearing full body armor.

Remember back when people had no sense? Wait, no, they still don't.

Couldn't the controls have been better here?

You're asking if the controls on a Tomb Raider game can be better. Pop quiz: when have the controls on a Tomb Raider game ever been good?
Jesus Christ all mighty. Not a single mention of Monster Hunter but then again her primary complaint is NO LOCK ON so I'm guessing she'd be bitching about how Monster Hunter isn't holding her hand through a 40 hour tutorial.
IT'S YOU AND A GIANT DINOSAUR. GET YOUR KNIFE AND START ROLLING OUT OF THE WAY, THIS ISN'T COMPLICATED.
Also for someone supposedly "so poor and down on her luck" you certainly have more Wii games than I do. Just putting it out there.

A tale of minor inconvenience

I don't even know what the fuck. I found this jack off through the WoWfurries (wow imagine, furries play World of Warcraft) group, so enjoy. Get ready for a lot of excitement, this is gonna be great--

For fur cons, most of my days are planned using the event schedule. I make a note of the panels and events I want to attend, and disregard the others.

You thought fur conventions were for a bunch of goddamn dorks to dress like animals and make asses of themselves? Let me tell you, there are tactical readouts and everything. It's like preparing for goddamn D-Day. Churchill didn't have shit on this logistical prowess.

The time I don't spend at a panel is time I use for fursuiting, socializing, taking photos, etc.

The time I don't spend being a dork I spend being a dork, just to specify.
Honest to fuck, this is why everyone hates you, furries. It's not a lifestyle, it's a fetish. You don't see BDSM people with conventions, do you?
Well actually yes you do.
But my point still stands.
Now he's talking about Anthrocon and I can follow him on Twatter if I want to stay UP TO DATE on this important yearly festival. (It's like Christmas to Christians, Yule to the Norse, etc etc).

I remembered that the Fursuit Charades started at 10AM,

Fursuit Charades? Why, it's like regular charades except really cool!

In other news, I've started playing Champions Online. I'm at level 27 now (max level is 40), and I'm enjoying the game. It's not World of Warcraft... not even close.

Of course, because nothing can match the gaming perfection that is World of Warcraft. Everquest? Ultima Online? MUDs? What the flying fuck are those? WoW invented MMOs, case closed.

My video card died. I had to replace it because I have no on-board video on the motherboard, and my backup machine uses an AGP card (the slot for which is also absent from my board). I thought a 9400GT would be enough for me until later, when I planned to upgrade my desktop. It wasn't. I had to turn most of the settings down in World of Warcraft... that's how bad it was. So, I exchanged the 9400GT for a GTX 260. Yes, it's much better... and larger.

I'm pretty sure the 9400GT can run WoW on max comfortably. Are you sure you're just not good at computer?
Also, yes: you really need the graphical processing of a GTX260 to run a game that looks like it was made in 1999.
Can't the GTX260 run Crysis on max? I'm not saying you're a goddamn idiot for wasting your money on a card you clearly don't need and won't use a quarter of, but you're a goddamn idiot.

The GTX 260 is so large that it wouldn't fit in the case I had. The hard disk bays on the bottom of the case were welded to the frame, and there was no way I could get them out without using a few different tools (and possibly ruining the case altogether). So, I had to buy a new case that could actually house the video card. :|

Ah yes, the elegant solution I came up with: mount your motherboard upside down and suddenly everything has headway. Then I found out I could unscrew the hard drive cages. Of course I did research before I bought shit to make sure it could all fit but not everyone is gifted with my incredible foresight so I guess you can be forgiven.
Now here's a picture of a guy in a furry suit wearing boxer shorts and a cape and he's standing in a hotel lobby.
Any single part of this is completely insane but for some reason the whole thing together is really crazy. Do these people ever take a step back and say "wow, I'm really fucking crazy"?
Oh here's a picture of his World of Warcraft character. Huge surprise: he's a Tauren.
Bet he can't wait for the new expansion to come out where humans turn into wolves.
Oh my Christ all he posts about are these fucking furry conventions. Who knew there were so many in a year?

Some people are so focused on their fantasies, and so immersed in their rose-colored, make-believe, cartoon worlds, they forget how things work in real life.

I have a lot of trouble taking this from someone who pretends to be an anthropomorphic lion for many weeks out of the year.

In the real world, you don't mouth off to others (especially those you don't know) and treat them like dirt. That's one of the fastest ways to get yourself laid out on the concrete, in pain and bleeding.

In the real world most people don't resort to violence immediately upon a disagreement. Maybe one day you'll join the real world and learn this.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
- Thomas Paine

LEAD FOLLOW OR GET OUT OF THE WAY, SHIT BRO.
RANGERS LEAD THE WAY HURRRRR
Shut the fuck up you furry idiot.

Coworker: Hey, your license plate, does it have anything to do with the Detroit Lions, like your jacket?
Me: Yes and no.
Coworker: Yes and no? OH! Are you a Leo?
Me: No. I was born in July... Cancer.
Coworker: Really?
Me: The plates, though... that's more of a lion thing. You know, the big cat. Not so much the Detroit Lions.
Coworker: Oh, okay. Thanks!

Oh God, I have a lion plate on my car. I also have a lion on my jacket.
Surely people don't think I'm one of these people, though. At least, I hope not. I just have it because lions are cool and heraldry is awesome. I just want people to know I'm ready to take the holy land at a moment's notice.

The grand prize was a Compaq PC, but I didn't think about it because I'm not one for sweepstakes or lottery games. When I got back to work, I opened the box... lo and behold, there was a game piece that said I'd won the grand prize. It was legit; I mailed it in, and they sent the PC to my home address.

Oh this is like a Zen riddle. You've won a Compaq PC. Are you really a winner, though?
I guess in life everything is a gamble and if you get cancer you're not the proud recipient of cancer, are you? No.
Also if that wasn't clear enough: I'm comparing Compaq to cancer.

I don't have any deep, dark secrets. No skeletons, no secret lovers, no off-the-wall fetishes... nothing like that.

>No off-the-wall-fetishes
>furry
Ho-boy.

I'll tell you what I do know, though. I'm 32 years old. The clock's tickin', and it ain't goin' backwards.

Yes, glory be to the sunrise that brings our doom.
Aren't you a little old to be into this whole furry thing? I mean I'm certainly not one to judge playing Pokemon into my 20s but at least I don't dress up as Gengar and have gay sex with a guy dressed as Pikachu.

I bought the strategy guide for SoulCalibur IV because I wanted the promo soundtrack disc.

>Strategy guide
>fighting game
>Soul Caliber IV
>bought it for the soundtrack (which you can get online for nothing)
There are like ten things wrong with this I don't even know where to start.
I'd like to take this chance to inform anyone reading this I actually cut a lot out of his blog. Quite a few entries were about people paying him compliments and what a fucking ace he is and shit. I cut these out partially because they were all the same (I even found an instance of two word-for-word sentences two years apart) but mostly because I couldn't get all the way through them without starting to gag a little.
Well I guess this brings to close another awesome entry from me. I'd like to take this time to remind everyone (not that I'm keeping track) that Pokemon Black and White has a mere 39 days, 17 hours and 54 minutes at the time of this writing until release and FFXIV has a mere 43 days, 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Nothing for months at a time then suddenly everything comes out the same goddamn week. Isn't that the way?

THE DEMON WAS DESTROYED.

So here we go, yet another exercise in butthurt and illness. "Illness" since I always suspect most bloggers are lying about their conditions. Anyway here's Sarah. Hi Sarah :3
Her first post is a story which quite frankly I'm not reading.
Then she posts about "guerrilla knitting" which is evidently knitting crap and then leaving it for other people to throw away. Err, I mean find and enjoy. She left some for "extra karma" which is extra silly because as we all know we are judged in life by the evil we destroy.

Yesterday I went for (another) checkup with my neurosurgeon. First off I got a call the day before and the time they gave me was later than the one I had listed. So I showed up at the earlier time. Sense I had to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork AGAIN I guess it's fine I showed up early.

Get used to this, incidentally. "Since" is always "sense" and there are quite a few other homophones (heh, homo) I'm forgetting.

You'd think by now they'd know WHY I was there and my medical history.

You'd think by the time you're an adult you'd know the difference between "since" and "sense" (hint: there's a pretty huge difference). Evidently there's a lot of shit people should know but don't for whatever reason.

She was much more forthcoming on extra info than Dr. Cohen was. She actually said the words "Degenerative Disc Decease",

Disease. This is what we call a "malapropism" because "decease" and "disease" sound similar but aren't actually pronounced the same and again have wildly different meanings. Although one often leads to the other, hmm.

Interesting info sense I have NO idea your bones could swell.

Since*

Of course slightly better means, still worse than it was when we were thinking about doing disk replacement. I could list all the issues.... but it's just depressing and not worth the noting.

As opposed to the rest of this which is worth noting.

I even left out a guerrilla knit... but I figured I should post about this.

As some of you know I had surgery again Monday. Basically I'd managed to blow out the next two discs in my back.

YOUR DISCS HAVE FAILED. REPLACE THEM WITH METAL THAT WILL NOT FAIL.

For those of you who might not know, post mortem photography was a relatively common practice as photography slowly got more common and portable.

Even if I didn't know what this was (and I do) I'd be able to figure it out by the, I don't know, words in the title? post- (after) -mortem (death) photography (pictures)?

People who lost a loved one (very often children) would find or send for the nearest photographer to take pictures. This might seem a tad morbid now

Everyone is pretty fucking pussified now.
Let me look at this fucking picture, motherfucker.
... Yeah those are some dead kids, all right. You can tell by the fish eyes.

A couple months ago or so I left a little hippo outside one of my favorite antique stores. He was the exact same color as the store.

Let me guess, someone from the store found the hippo and decided to turn around and sell it? You're not allowed to be butthurt about this. You left something for anyone to find and do anything they want with it.

Then about a week ago Kenton and I went into that same store. We wondered around for about 2 hours,

Wandered*. Goddamn you suck.

I don't always head down that way sense most of the toys aren't so much antiques as a few years old.

You're just doing it to piss me off now.

nestled inside was something very familiar. My hippo. Still with his tag, although now on the back was written a number code and price.

Oh ho ho ho can I call it or what?

Then the more I started thinking about it the more I started to get annoyed. The point of this was not for someone else to sell my animals. At least not so soon after leaving them. I had many different reactions from the friends I told and I came up with many different plans. I thought about stealing him, sense I knew the seller didn't pay for it in anyway.

This just in: it's okay to steal as long as who you are stealing from did not pay money to get the item in question.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.

:|
"You see, fear had an effect on him."
Most interesting thing to come out of your blog, I think.

Warning... this is an awful post.... don't read it if you are sensitive.

Well I am delicate like a snowflake but I think I'll brave it anyway.
Oh it's a really long story about a road kill moose. Anyway.
Oh there's you. Maybe if you lost some weight you wouldn't have so many back problems, good grief.

As most of you know by now I collect skulls.

Collecting the skulls of your foes is a pretty awesome hobby I must admit.

Today Kenton and I went to the firing range so he could use dad's rifles before the hunting trip.

Need a rifle to down a defenseless deer. What cowardice is this?
Anyway this is so boring I forgot to pay attention for about an hour so I guess it's go time, motherfucker.