Fuck it

Today is the day before Thanksgiving and people won't shut the fuck up about World of Warcraft. When did that expansion come out? It was last week, right? So why are people still going on about it-- ugh.
But praise be to Allah that there's this blog.
From a Texan, no less.
I fucking hate Texas. If a Texas-shaped meteor hit Texas, ignoring for a moment the fact that the impact would destroy most of the solar system, the world would be better off.
Seriously, name one good thing that came from Texas.
See? You can't do it.
I'd say "give it back to the Mexicans," but to be honest I'm not sure they'd want it back. I know I wouldn't.

When my membership expired at the Bikram Yoga studio in north Austin where I’ve been practicing for the past year, I decided to take advantage of the *newcomer special* at my old studio, located further west.

What is Bikram Yoga?
Just kidding I don't care. To me Yoga is code for "I'm too much of a huge faggot to take Tai Chi." Tai Chi is for men. It may seem like it's for old men (because the kind they teach in America is) but real Tai Chi is basically Kung Fu times a million.
At least that's what the movie "Twin Warriors" starring Jet Li taught me. I'm not really sure if that's true or not but goddamn.

The 90 minute classes at both studios are identical in that we do the same 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises every day.

Imagine that. Yoga is the same no matter where you are.

But I grew to like and trust most of the instructors to the point I even felt comfortable showing them my blog and being open about my job as a stripper, which they totally *get* and have always been really casual about.

I think I have an appropriate reaction to this hold on.
This update suddenly became incredibly awesome.

I’ve also grown to really enjoy the students I see every day, one of them in particular, a 54 year old woman with the body, face, and spirit of a much younger person, really lit up my mornings with her humor and our rapport.

This has to be the most eloquent stripper ever. I cannot believe this shit.
Usually I just read straight through but for the sake of intrigue I'm going to click the "stripper" tag because that's what I want to know about.

They say life isn’t a destination but a journey.

That's very true (not really).

His fiancée just divorced British royalty, so god only knows what my ex's and her combined million$ amount to now, but suffice it to say their *journey* will be first class all the way.

No wonder he didn't want to meet you again. Fuck some stripper in Austin he has money to spend.

Meanwhile I can’t afford a decent gynocologist visit or the mamograms I'm supposed to be getting, not to mention a facial or massage, much less the extensive nip/tucks I’m quite sure his flawless beauty has already had.

What can I say? I roll the dice and usually come up with furry #15, but sometimes I hit the lottery and find the one that writes itself. The reason I reacted to "stripper" is not because hurrr stripper but because I knew from the get go this would be filled with incredibly awesome stories that she probably shouldn't be telling everyone within earshot.

I’ll age as gracefully as possible while hunched over my laptop, typing out my blood, sweat and tears, for years and years to come, while also competing with younger and younger strip club beauties for the privilege of grinding 3 days a week on the laps of various horny strangers, fending off their wandering hands and misbehaved tongues and ridiculous invitations, while Mr. & Mrs. Fabulously Wealthy travel the world in the utmost luxury, dripping in diamonds, dining on caviar, and making love in the most elaborate suites of the finest hotels on the planet.

When I had to come up with a title for my blog it was between "Edie Finds a Corpse" and this paragraph right here. Longest title in history I understand, but still I think it has a certain ring to it. "I'll Age As Gracefully As Possible..." or IAGPWHOLTOMBSTYYCWACWYAYSCBPG3DWLVHSFWHMTRIWMMFWTWULDDDCMLMESFHP for short.

I know I’m full of self-pity here. And that it’s actually part of my journey to get over these bitter feelings… to be forced to suck it up as I watch this painful, heart-wrenching in-flight horror movie of their relationship...

It probably goes without saying, but when someone says "I know I'm..." and then they continue to go on, it doesn't actually validate their bitching. No one wants to hear this shit. "I know I'm full of self-pity here" so why are you posting it? Also this is the third sentence I've caught that I could so easily take out of context that it isn't even worth doing because derp derp.

I’ve spent more time flat on my back lately than I care to remember and since I’m currently, completely, celibate (as opposed to partially?) that’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Maybe strippers have a different definition of "celebate" than I but it's either on or its off.

So during my last (3rd) song, a gorgeous, brunette dancer whom I’ve never met, approaches me on stage.

Little known fact but you don't actually need a comma between "gorgeous" and "brunette" because brunette is functioning as a color in this case and you don't need a comma between one adjective and one color word.
Just pointing it out.

“Are those real?!” she asks, beaming with genuine curiosity and not a trace of typical stripper-competitiveness.

This cannot be real.

Later on I complimented her on her choice of stage music (Danzig!). She thanks me then mentions that one of my nipples has popped free of my favorite red bra. I’m pre-menstrual and in the middle of a week of swollen *Special Boob Days* which means they barely fit into any of my bras and are also probably at least part of the reason she was so impressed by them in the first place.

I was looking through my folder of reaction pictures but I'm not really sure what I should be feeling here.
After much thinking on the subject I've decided this face is always appropriate:

I also need an occasional spinal adjustment to ensure I don’t miss any work, not to mention averting the potential tragedy that some sad, lonely, ex-preacher or recent divorcé be denied the extra-special holiday comfort that is my Amazing Bosom… like a warm-hearted TV special, titled, A Miracle on 34 C’s.

I like you, stripper from Texas. You even have your accent marks in the right place.

The metal padlock on my front door has a brand name etched into the outside face plate.

Yeah? What does it say? If it's Defiant or Faultless you might as well not even bother.

look down to slide in my key and every single time misread the word FAULTLESS as FRUITLESS.

Don't even fucking bother. Any idiot with a torsion spring and a pick could be through in five seconds.
”Is there any chance we can meet outside of here so I can watch you masturbate?”
Suddenly my previous comments about kung fu seem more appropriate. Why wouldn't you learn some version of "I can punch you and your head explodes" with this line of work? Meanwhile Wonder Stripper here is taking Yoga thinking it does fuck all for this creep who will bury her under his porch.

“Ya know I think we may live near each other,” he continues.

Holy shit he really will bury you under his porch watch out.

This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been around the block enough times to make an entire Cirque du Soleil troupe dizzy.

I was about to say "please work another cliche into this" but I'm not sure the second one is a cliche. I'm not even sure it makes sense-- why would a Cirque du Soleil troupe get dizzy by you-- I don't know.

It’s working its magic as I experience the skin outbreaks that come from the release of 41 years of stored toxins and excess testosterone, not to mention the occasional bursts of repressed anger also known to be stored in one’s liver.

41 year old stripper.
So that's where anger is stored. I thought it was a chemical reaction in the brain but I'm not taking Bikram Yoga.

Or maybe I just related to her, in this strange duality I still sometimes feel about my desire to be of service with my desire to sometimes smack some sense into the world.

What.
A duality is a division of two mutally exclusive or contradictory groups. You could serve by forcing it to make sense. It is, therefore, not a duality at all.

It's magnificent really. Like some profound & esoteric, color-coded, heavenly message from the almighty god of gum... saying what, I do not know. Anyone?

All right, stripper. I said I liked you earlier but now that's starting to wear thin.
Actually I'm starting to get a headache. Something about "profound and esoteric" is starting to grind my shit.
Fuck it. There's your Wednesday update.

THE OMEN

The Omen is one of my favorite movies of all time. I think, in the discourse of the movie, everyone can learn what an omen is, and more importantly, what an omen definitely is not.

A double hamburger with 9 pieces of bacon, no fries, is NOT the same as a double quarter pounder with no cheese, extra bacon, and a medium fry... especially when your superior brings them side by side for comparison.

So you went to McDonald's, ordered a ridiculously specific sandwich (seriously, a specified amount of bacon? Can you be more OCD?) and then complained to the manager when you didn't get eight (UND PRECISELY EIGHT!) pieces of bacon? Now you can't eat there anymore because "Mr. Clerk" whom you've known "for three years" (close, first name-based relationship) will spit in your food because you deserve it.

Ageis J. Hyena, signing off, over and out.

Ageis J. Hyena. Really. I have to assume by uh-gee-is you mean "aegis" which is something entirely different than what you spelled. Aegis was a breastplate associated with Zeus or Athena and later came to mean a sponsorship. Ageis is... You made that the fuck up.

So yeah. I have asthma, and my medication ran out. My normal "supplier" has left the country, literally.

Ha, ha shit sucks.

My father won't help me, he thinks asthma doesn't exist.

According to all my medical books it sure doesn't. What does exist, however, is DEMONIC POSSESSION. You're against God is the problem.
Ha, ha I fucking love the internet. She had a stupid poll that two people took and split the answers 50/50. Awesome. WHICH ISP SHOULD I USE? Use this one. No use the other. All she needed was a third "use neither of those shitty ISPs" and I would have voted for it, completing the dickery that is the internet.

Well shit, my brother is planning something and says I'll make trouble if I knew what it was.

Shit, destroyed.

Well shit. I donate $115 to pawpet, then I call a furry radio show to do a reading and talk for 15 minutes or so.

Pawpet. Also I like how you say you literally can't afford asthma medication and you're arguing with clerks at McDonald's about the price of a hamburger but still somehow find 115 dollars to donate to Pawpet. This reminds me of that one girl who was complaining about affording rent but managed to donate 8% of her paycheck to her church. This makes even less sense because you didn't have the threat of eternal damnation hanging over your stupid head.

for those of you under a rock, and I don't have the link handy, a couple in the UK is divorcing because one got caught with another person as an affair... in Second Life.

Yes, not following news in Second Life is really living under a rock.

So I recently did a reading for one of my repeat customers. It was a rather good one...

A what?

Nate, the roomie who is finally on his way out, let slip that my brother popped the question to his girlfriend. And apparently she accepted. Roughly 3 weeks ago.

I don't think Nate meant to let that slip, but he did.

Why do I have an overwhelming urge of dread over this?

I know your kind. You would have gotten an overwhelming sense of dread if he hadn't asked, had but she rejected him, etc. You just wanted to seem all cryptic and psychic then. Fuck you.

Though I did update my tarot site's profiles. They are reviewing profiles under new rules starting monday, and I tried my best to write them to go according with the new rules.

Maybe you have a different understanding of Tarot than I do, but I don't think there are "new rules". Unless you're playing a card game with them (which is their intended purpose) even then that's like saying "new rules for poker".

Had I of known. If only I had known. x.x The people down there are making fortunes as well as reading them.

If only I had've known. Also that's really archaic. "If only I had known" works just as well in 2008.
But forgive me I don't read fortunes like you, so please don't smite me with your furry precognition powers.

Ah well. I'ma websmurf a bit, then go back down and mingle s'more with a railroading lion, a cheetah-lioness, a kirin, and a tiger.

Lions and cheetahs can't reproduce, I don't think. A kirin, to you non-faggots, is either a chimerical mythical creature in Eastern Asian mythos, or a giraffe. You'd probably be better off saying "a HUGE WEEABOO FAGGOT" because that's the subtext.

Ok. Time to take a shower, finish quick-packing my tarot cards and my laptop full of fail, grab my tickets, my anti-asthma medicine, and walk the two miles to the train station.

Laptop full of furry porn more like. Don't lie, swami.

For one, every claim now needs to be verified. How the hell can I verify that I have 14 or so years as a tarot reader besides my own brain? Some fancy schmancy diploma? How does one measure an 85% accuracy rate?

If you only have an 85% with Tarot you're doing something way wrong. It should be 99% at minimum. It's so goddamn vague it can't help but be true. Ever wonder why the symbols are so generalized and vague as to relate to the human condition regardless of the human?

I'm bringing Emerald (my laptop) but I'm going to see if I can't do a format c: from DOS on that thing first.

You named your laptop and call it by its first name. Great. Also you could do a full format from boot by getting your operating system disc and sticking the bitch in there and following the onscreen instructions BUT THIS IS FURRIES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. MUST DO EVERYTHING DIFFERENT.

Ok, this is getting really out of hand. I simply don't sleep these days. At best I can get in a 3 hour nap, but barely, and it doesn't do anything for me. Either I close my eyes and my mind won't STFU, I can't even close my eyes, or I simply can't relax enough to get to sleep.

Maybe you're finally turning into a cheetah or whatever the fuck!

And now it's having a big effect on me. I can barely do readings at the moment, AND I completely forgot all contact information for the job interview I have tomorrow.

It goes without saying that "readings" are basically idiot proof and for you to fuck it up this hard really says something about you.

It's 100% psychological. I'm sure of it. I wonder what my subconscious is so afraid of that it won't let me sleep so I can solidify my memories and get my thoughts straight.

I know what my subconscious would be afraid of. "Holy shit I'm a furry who reads Tarot for a living what the shit am I doing with my life?" It'd be one thing if you were Miss Cleo and turned this into a swindling empire but apparently you really suck at it.

I don't want to have to drop another 20 on a haircut. But. My hair is down past my shoulders now and if I had breasts and minus a mustache I would definately look like a girl (not like I wouldn't mind, being gender dysphoric and all...)

It's little wonder no place on Earth wants to hire you. Furry, Tarot card reader, "gender dysphoric" (future tranny).

Payment received from the tarot site via paypal, transfer request to my bank account in progress. I give them until Monday of next week.

I was expecting 1200, got 1100.

Shit maybe I should try my hand at this. It'd be easy money.

Can anyone tell me what "IRQL_IS_LESS_THAN_0" means?

Bad RAM. Get a new laptop.

I just had a BAD crash. Bluescreened after logging off Second Life.

Hurr durr.

Guess who started a game of Spore and who went halfway through the game before forgetting to save through the entire last level he played?

Casual fag.
That's it. I can't take any more of this bullshit. This guy's entire life reads like a parody written about furries.

Son of a Fuck

Guessing by the spastic screeching that wouldn't fucking stop today in one of my classes, the Twilight movie came out. Of course, welcome to Livejournal.

So Daddy and I went to go see Twilight today, and I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't an Epic Fail!

This is, of course, subjective, because after watching the preview on Youtube with one of my friends (who, like me, is an asshole) and we couldn't think of anything to say. For the entire four minutes it was dead silence.

I was worried about the medow scene, (which kind of disapointed me, how little we saw of the medow) and Edwards sparkiling.

Holy. Shit.

I've got my Teaching Fellows interview tomarrow, and my Senior Exit in mid november.

T-- Teaching Fello--
Senior Exit--
What is happening here?

on the plus side i got my SAT scores back, I got a 1730! yay! App State's average for freshman last year was a 1130, so i figure i'm good to go! Yay App!

I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything because I guarantee I would have spit it all over my monitor. 1730? Seriously? I don't really know what the new cap is because I took my SATs back when the cap was 1600. It better be out of a million or something.

On another, ironic note, they showed an HP trailer at twilight. (if irony could kill...)

That isn't ironic. That isn't even a coincidence. I'm not even really sure what your point is.

My Dad works at Wachovia, the bank that may be bought out by Citi.

Welp.

It's like there's this huge wieght on my heart, and I've been having trouble sleeping lately.

Don't you worry your stupid head one bit. Nice spelling on "weight" incidentally. Miss that day of first grade?

It's not helping that everyone in my dad's side of the family is calling paniced when the hear the news.

I read that "pan-ised"

I just ask for a lot of prayers. It feels like my family, friends and faith are the only solid things in my life anymore.
So please pray for my dad's job, my family's sanity, and for me, we all realy need it...

I like the title of this entry, too: "I'm scared... is anyone else?"
Baby, I'm always afraid. Wisdom is the beginning of fear.

Recently Stephanie Meyer has been under a lot of critacism from people that hated BD.

Critacism
Critacism
Critacism
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I was talking with my mom last night, about my AP classes, and my dad was like "you're taking AP English too?

I, in my high school years, foolishly took AP thinking I could escape people like you.
I've since learned that you are, to use a word you'll never know the meaning of, ubiquitous.
Ha, ha, ha, ha want to see her senior pictures?
Behold!

I loved the first bit about the wedding and Jacob showing back up and then the honeymoon (even though Edward is a dumb ass).

Now that is ironic. You calling anyone a dumbass is hilarious.

all in all i loved the book more than i hated it.

I have to be honest, even people who claim to love (like this woman) Twilight, this is about all the good they can muster up for it. Maybe they've only read one book?
Yeah, that'd explain a lot, in fact.

that night we went to Applebe's for diner, and they had them come and clap and sing to me. i got an icecream and a ballon!

Applebe's for diner. Where you got an ice cream (just the one) and a ballon, whatever that is.
Eating at Applebee's really explains the senior photos, though. This is making more sense the more I read.

It's amazing how quickly you're mood can change.

It is amazing how quickly you are mood can change. Usually I don't see people fuck up grammar backwards like this.

I'm tired from all the walking though. my feet arn't used to it!

Heh yeah I'll bet.

and i need a boyfriend...

You know what would make that ea-- no, no fat jokes. Too easy.

I really did. On wensday he seemed so... happy.
He was so un-Nick on wensday,

Wednesday has a 'd' in it. We get the word from the Norse god Odin (Wodin). See how that works? Somehow the 'o' turned into an 'e'. Probably the British with their odd notions of spelling.

the jeans i wore yesterday were my motivation jeans!
if you've ever been on a diet you know what i mean.

I haven't had the need to diet. Ever. So why don't you tell me?

and you hang them on your closet door to motivate you to lose the whiegt to fit into them.
and yeasterday i got up the nerve to try them on again, and this time they fit!
you have no clue how much my self-esteme was boosted yeasterday. it was great!

Easy.
Also I think I can explain why she spells "yesterday" "yeasterday" her annoying accent, in actual speech, is closer to "yeasterdee" than yesterday in pronounciation, so hence the blending of the two.
Really I should be thanking her she met me halfway.

"Mortals! They are always blaming the gods for their troubles, when their own witlessness causes them more trouble than they were destined for." The Odyssey

This is in reference to "What words do you find wise enough to live by?"
Which of all fucking quotes from The Odyssey that you could actually live by that's the one you pick?

I woke up last knight with a leg cramp in that leg, and went to stretch it out forgeting that it hurts to bend...*palm head*

Somehow that spelling error gives that sentence an entirely new meaning.

I had a slitley better day today, although i almost broke down in Statistics today....

I have never seen someone fuck up a "gh" word that hard before.

My friend Nick is in the hospital. He's under 24 hour sevalence and can't even have a pair of shoes with laces.

Sevalence, Surveillance. Close enough, right? Again I can just hear the stupid North Carolina accent through my internet connection and it explains so much.

apparently Nick had become very depressed and was planning suicide.

Yeah no shit. Hence the "no shoe lace" policy.
I guess that's it, really. I could keep going but this blog, like most blogs, turns into a mobius strip.

If you don’t expect gratitude you’ll seldom be disappointed.

Today's blog is actually what got me started down this path of reviewing blogs. After being linked this, I had never read anything quite as douchey as this. This woman, be it through a quirk of fate, genetics, circumstance or a combination of the three, has to be the biggest gash I have ever seen in my entire life.
I watch surgery shows while eating. I have witnessed the fat deposits in a 400 pound man melted down and sucked through a thin tube into a bag, the mixture of blood and fat looking like a pink smoothie.
While eating.
But this shit almost triggers my gag reflex.
Maybe (probably) it's me, but let's see.

I got the new dishes yesterday, and I love them. Here is some early-morning, seven-grain hot cereal with brown sugar and milk — one of my favorite winter breakfasts.

She loves to take pictures of the food she makes like anyone gives a flying fuck she had chicken casadias last night.

The impending holiday brings out the shepherdess in me: I start looking for, then tending to, every pile of wrinkled tablecloths, every too-tiny drawer of (wrinkled) napkins.

It's really funny she'd call herself a "shepherdess" because I doubt anyone would consider themselves more cosmopolitan than her.

Whenever I see people on Househunters on HGTV complaining that there are only, like, five ginormous closets in the prospective house I start guffawing: People! You have no idea!

What, no idea how difficult it is being in the privileged upper crust of a developed nation? That must be fucking brutal.
Admittedly I do hate that frame of logic (how can you do this when there are people starving in Africa!!!) because the two seem unrelated (and are), but I hate her and this blog so anything to prove her a cunt works for me.

By the time I picked everything out yesterday at the fabric store I was exhausted. You want to get it right, you know?

I have never been exhausted after buying shit. When I go to the Warhammer store to buy paint I mull over the choices and say "yeah some Space Wolves Gray would be good" and walk out. No change in fatigue.

I try to make something special for myself for the holidays every year. It forces me to sit and think about the holidays.

Huh imagine that you doing something for yourself. I bet if you could break down her mental processes into a chart, it'd be 99% her and 1% all other things in the universe.

Ironically, the dishes we use every day here at Paulson Place are seriously boring. White. Plain. Heavy.

Sounds utilitarian. Nothing wrong with being practical-- ha, ha just kidding. This is a cunt I'm talking about. So how much did you pay for your latest set?

(That china is sooooo fancy. I know we should use it more; they always say to use it more. But I am a little terrified of it.)

Maybe that was an attempt at humor that is lost on me, but how can you be a little terrified?
Also terrified of china? I can't imagine what you'd be like if you had to face actual adversity. What do you do when you're at a four way spot and someone steals your turn to go? I bet that's a straight up panic attack.

And, while I have no time to make a runner, I don't think I will be able to not make this runner because it is G*O*R*G*E*O*U*S and it is calling to me.

Ever had one of those yawns that you invariably got in school because it was mad fucking boring, then when it ends your vision is a little blurry and you have one of those groggy "I didn't sleep enough" headaches? That's what this just did to me.

Thank you to everyone who came out to Powell's last night for my book signing!

Further proof that getting published is about as hard as not getting your dick caught in your jeans zipper.

It was really, really fun. I get so very nervous about things like that because my friends and family can tell you what a total utter wally I am when I have to stand up and talk in front of people. Quel nightmare.

Quel gag reflex.

It's like, remember that Jodie Foster movie Nell? That's me.

Oh so you were raised in an isolated section of backwater Washington(?) with only your mentally ill mother and twin sister as company?

Just send me a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope) and I'll sign some bookplates and send them back to you.

I always wonder why people do this. Why use the acronym if you're going to explain it immediately after that? Even complete fucking morons on AIM know not to do this. "LOL! (that means I am laughing aloud)." That never fucking happens. I guess the only logical reason you would do that is to prove you know what SASE is.

the things I didn't know and learned too late, the quiet winter afternoons with red pens and sticky notes and the Chicago Manual of Style,

Annotating your book like it's a historical document. Wouldn't MLA work better? Or perhaps your own system?

Writing a book makes you feel vulnerable in about a million different ways! Will people like it? Will they hate it? Will I make mistakes? Will I wish I could've done something different?

This is where I got the title for today's entry. That bit of wisdom came to mind.

If you've never had one, a croque monsieur is a grilled ham-and-Gruyere sandwich topped with Mornay sauce, a creamy onion sauce.

Maybe it's because my taste in food has yet to evolve past the three year old's staples that are macaroni and cheese and crackers, but I have no idea with any of this is.

What you're not? Selfless

Well at least you know it.

Where you grew up? Chaos

CHAOS. KILL THE TRAITORS.

Your favourite colour? Grayish

Holy fuck you're the most boring person ever. Gray? Gray is your favorite color?
Here's her list of movies she watches over and over again. This isn't specifically tagged as a top 10 list, but it's safe to say that if you watch it over and over, it's your favorite movie.

1. The Holiday

2. Green Card

3. Something's Gotta Give

4. Under the Tuscan Sun

5. Passion of Mind

6. Nanny McPhee

7. No Reservations

8. Kiss Me Goodbye

9. Seems Like Old Times

10. ____________________

Holy. Shit. I'm allowed to make fun of this because I guarantee my number 1 would be For A Few Dollars More followed by probably Yojimbo, so I'm allowed to make fun of this shitty list.

Seriously, Under the Tuscan Sun? You're a bint's bint.

And let me tell you, if you, like me, thought growing a giant pumpkin seemed like "fun," you've got another think coming.

Better rethink that, then.

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get around to talking about the rest of my books on the booklist.

Wow you really think anyone gives a shit.

If you've been hanging around here for a while, you might remember that this list came together in a few stages from your recommendations. I talked about my choices here and here and then here. And now it's five months later. Egads.

Son of a fuck you have no taste in anything.

Here's your new priority reading list for Winter:

The Count of Monte Cristo, because you seem to be into romantic shit, and this is 1100 pages of romantic (the genre) literature at its best: vengeance.

Nibelungenlied, because you should be cultured in something at some point, and besides it stars a dragon slayer. How badass is that?

That's it. No way you can make it through those two over all winter. See reading real books takes a lot of time. Quality reading is like some of those cakes you make where you explain the complex texture. It's exactly like that.

As you probably know, Jane is a voracious reader and a champion baker (among her other many talents).

More related than you might think, I'd like to add.

Holy shit I have to stop. This is so goddamn boring I can't see straight. I'd rather cut off my own left hand than continue reading this. Fuck.

Hyperion

Today's blog is interesting because the person is seemingly very intelligent. I have never seen such a dumb smart person before.
I don't think I could double major in psychology and applied mathematics.
Mostly because of the "applied mathematics" part. I could major in psychology with no problems. Maybe it's my own understanding of math (none) but anyone who has any mathematical knowledge I automatically consider smart. Maybe it's my mistake.

Ugh, I am a total failure in getting things done this weekend.

That summarizes my weekends always. Who gives a shit? I certainly don't and none of my school work does.

I had the most ridiculous math quiz of my life yesterday. I mean, I don't know. Not in terms of like... the stuff was impossible, but that it was impossible to expect us to get the problems done in half an hour.

What kind of math takes that long to solve?
I seriously don't know. That wasn't a rhetorical question.

So part of me is happy about that, but the other part is like... well, he's counting 10 quizzes and we can drop any quizzes past that, and this is our 12th, and right now the lowest quiz I'm dropping is an 18/20, so it seems pointless to me to really work hard on this quiz because I need to get at least a 19 and I'm not that confident that I'll get that.

... I'm not a math major like you, but if he's only counting 10 quizzes and the lowest one (the one you're dropping) is an 18/20, that means you have an A average.
Why are you worrying about this, exactly?
Also what kind of crazy school is this? At most I get my lowest quiz grade dropped, not the lowest three (at least).

Anyways, I was trying to figure out all this stuff before today because I thought I was supposed to register today, but as it turns out, I was looking at the wrong time. Oops?

You know all this shitting math and psychology but you don't know there's no 's' on "anyway"? Carriage before horse, etc.

Anyways, so yeah, today is ridiculously nice and relaxed.

I've tabulated the average number of sentences in her blog that start with "anyways" or "so yeah". 55%. 55% devoted to three words.

Second, President-Elect (!) Obama had his first press-conference since being elected and seriously, it ridiculous how excited and giddy that made me.

That is ridiculous. You're silly for being excited about this bullshit.

Anyways. Other things that made yesterday awesome: I turned in my major plan to the registrar! I'm officially a psych major!

I am certain that English 101 is a requirement for any major.
The term "ridiculous" appears 19 times on the front page alone. I'm sure if you did a search for "cunt" or "fuck" in my blog it'd appear something like 17 billion times but that's different because I use it as a punctuation mark, not as an adjective. Get a thesaurus, Jesus.

So apparently The Ex List has been canceled.

There is justice in the world.

I guess I haven't mentioned it at all, but I've been watching it, and I think it's really cute.

Somehow I'm not surprised.
If you've remained ignorant to this program, behold:
Holy shit this show is awful.

Anyways, I have two tests tomorrow, which totally sucks.

I'd mention right now that I'd like people to be more interesting, but that's not really their fault, come to think of it.
Try to make your language more interesting, I guess. Or, better yet, don't have blogs. Just don't do it.
You don't hear me updating today "hey blog I have a fucking biology test on Wednesday that I'm not going to study for and get 115% on because this class is bullshit" do you? Of course not.
I guess here's my confusion. To me, if you publish something on the internet for all to read you believe somewhere in the deep recesses of your brain that it's worth reading. If you didn't think it was, it'd just be a text document on your desktop or a notebook you keep near your bed, wouldn't it? Somewhere in this stupid cunt's brain she thinks "yes people give a shit that I have two tests tomorrow."
Either that or people are so married to their technology that they never considered not putting it on the internet, at which point we might as well just plug ourselves into the internet now because that's where this is headed.

What the hell, why is it snowing right now?! I don't even understand how this is possible. I mean, it's not sticking, but it's definitely snow. My dashboard says the temperature is 44 degrees! How can it snow at all at 44 degrees?

How can a psychology/applied mathematics major have so little understanding of basic science?
I'll keep this short because I know for a fact I, along with all other American children, learned this shit in the second grade.
You see in the atmosphere it's a lot colder that it is down here on the surface of the Earth, so when it rains up there in the sky and it's cold, it snows, and it doesn't melt (because the temperature on Earth is relatively close to the temperature up there) immediately. That's why it isn't sticking.

And, ok, my dashboard also says that it's party cloudy, but I checked on weather.com to see the wind chill and apparently with wind chill it's 29 degrees, except I went outside and there's no way in hell that it's 29 degrees.

Apparently you don't have a lot of experience with the elements and outdoors shit when someone who never ventures out yonder has to explain this to you.
Okay here's how it works. Wind chill is how cold it is when the wind blows, so if you get hit with a huge gust it's 29 degrees. The ambient (look it up) temperature isn't 29.
I like how she qualifies that stupid statement with "and okay" like she's going to blow the entire meteorology community apart with this brilliant insight.

I mean, I like the snow, but if it's not going to stick, there's just no point to it.

Well this would be cause and effect, wouldn't it? It's not like nature decided to make it snow. The chemical requirements for it to snow and not stick were met so that's what happened.

Anyways, the sucky part of the weekend was that I had to write a 5-page paper while I was there.

A FIVE PAGE PAPER JESUS CHRIST. You're in for a shock if you ever go for your doctorate.

And the write-up for my child observation project which isn't too bad because it's not a paper, it's just answering questions, and I have so much trouble actually starting papers but just answering questions is easy, so hopefully it won't take forever for me to finish that

One might wonder what she was thinking, majoring in psychology. In every psychology class I've taken (a few) the amount of research papers has given any English class I've taken a run for its money. Someone who clearly hates grammar and the English language, research papers and simple observation probably isn't cut out for an occupation that comprises in its entirety the observation of human interaction and discourse and writing the results or relaying them in a meaningful fashion to others.
It isn't necessarily a clear indicator but to me it speaks volumes that she can't even figure out the rather simple mechanisms of how snow works (well, the telling part was she didn't know how to go about finding this information) and yet she expects to analyze the behavior of people who are several degrees more complicated and irrational than natural weather patterns.

Tomorrow I'm going to walk over to this pre-school near campus and observe a class for my child observation project. I'm kind of nervous, I guess?

All right psych major, what does that tell you?

There's no reason to be nervous since I'm just supposed to sit there and, well, observe.

You acknowledge your fear is irrational and yet?

But I am a little nervous anyways.

Son of a fuck.
Here's where as a psychology major you're supposed to say "maybe I have a bit of a social phobia" or "maybe new experiences can be a little scary maybe I should consider this in my interaction with children, where most likely all experiences are going to be new" but nope. No thought given to this.

I thought I was going to do way worse than that. This is why my study habits are becoming so terrible; even when I procrastinate like crazy and do a half-assed job, I still end up doing fine. It is positively reinforcing my terrible study habits!

No it--
forget it.
Just forget it.
If you want to solve this riddle, ask yourself this: is there anything to reinforce?
If you didn't study and still did fine, maybe studying isn't necessary in the first place, and therefore you aren't reinforcing an undesired behavior (the idea of good and bad are in the realm of philosophy, not psychology). If you didn't study and failed a test, you'd start studying because your environment necessitated a change in behavior.

But the paper isn't due until Friday, so at least I do have time. I just wanted to finish it today because my parents are coming up Thursday and I'd like to spend time with them rather than writing a paper.

Most people would just write the paper, but not this one.

Bottom line: I'm getting an A+ in procrastination this week! sigh.

This is starting to get tedious. At what point do you say "well I have an A average in multivariable statistics so I must be doing something right"?

Anyways, yesterday went pretty crappy.

Every word in this sentence is wrong.
I guess that's it, then, because I totally forgot about this post for about half an hour.

Writan

Typical annoying cunt today. Nothing big.

BIG HUGE GIGANORMOUS News that I can't tell you about yet....book related....

Oh you got published. Congrats. That's a difficult feat (he lied).

Cold front coming in. After the cortizone shot, my hip has been about 75% better...all that came crashing down today, lol. Slapped a lidoderm/lidocaine patch on there, so hopefully it will go numb soon. The things one wishes for...

I haven't read the rest of this but I'm already getting used to this type of statement. I imagine she's one of those people who always has some sort of injury (imagined or real) and always over dramatizes it.

Does anyone have experience with a preemie and would you know what this means:
" they closely monitor his degree of oxygen saturation and the possibility of internal hemorrhage in his ventricles" ?

I've heard tell the greatest computer scientists have put their huge nerd brains together and developed something called a search engine, but since Livejournal is apparently your only means to acquire information:
babies who are premature often have underdeveloped lungs, and so they have to monitor the child to make sure her lungs are working properly. The reason they'd be monitoring for a hemorrhage (bleeding) in the ventricle (of the bronchial airways) is because the weight of the child's chest can compress the lungs, which is why they aren't breathing properly, which is why oxygen saturation would be down.
I don't have a premature baby so I guess I'm not qualified to answer this question.

In other news: stopped new medication.

I fucking called it.

Seems one of the 1% FREAK category side effects is hypoaesthesia and facial hypoaesthesia.

... Did you mean hypoesthesia, doctor?

me I lose feeling in my face and arms/hands

Well technically hypoesthesia is the loss of tactile response (reduced feeling of touch) and not actual numbness, but all right you're the doctor.

That's my first medication rule: if it jacks with my mind and thought processes I'm not taking it.

That's funny because that's the exact opposite of my first rule of medication.

If I can't write I won't take it...just not worth it to me.

Yeah people are certainly never better at that when they're obliterated or crazy or anything.

Okay...tonight is writing night. Hoping to get 2 chapters done tonight, but we'll see how it goes.

Oh boy should be quality.

News on Symphony for the Forgotten, and thanks to everyone who has emailed asking about it, the publisher is waiting for the final proof and then it's out...Yay!

Looking this up.

From ancient goddesses and Philistines, Mary Queen of Scots and the French Revolution, to modern country back roads and different worlds….Symphony for the Forgotten, a new horror collection by Angeline Hawkes, takes you on a journey through time and places feared. Fifteen stories of torment and terror await you.

Sounds like bullsh-- I mean the next H.P. Lovecraft.

If the Mayans get proved wrong, hopefully the Republicans can run a strong candidate in 2012. If the Mayans are right, then I guess none of us need worry about politics anymore.

Not even going to repeat myself again. The Mayans didn't predict the apocalypse.
I would think a horror writer would be at least familiar with the difference between a change and the impending end of the world.
It's also worth noting the apocalypse isn't the same as Armageddon. Armageddon comes from this word: מגידו Tel Megiddo, which is a mountain.
There now you can't say you never learned anything from this.

Basically, conclusion is the warranty is running out and things are falling apart as predicted...from here on out, there will be more drugs, surgeries, and, oh, yeah, more drugs. I'm in agony right now...will have to try to do my chapter tomorrow. Scheduled writing tonight is not going to happen.

A good horror writer could probably do something with this but nope not you.

I'm worried my tomaters that we FINALLY are going to...

"Tomaters"? I'm sorry, did you just say "tomaters"?
Tomaters. I just can't get over that.
Did you just get back from the crick where you were doing your wash by any chance?

I dreamed that I was cleaning house and suddenly Cthulhu manifested from under the house.

I wish Cthulhu would eat you. That's what you need. An ancient, unnamed horror eating your mortal shell.

I rebuked Cthulhu in the name of god.

Even in your dreams you suck holy shit that won't work.

My feet are throbbing, my hands are throbbing, I've got 2 ribs on the left side that feel as though someone broke them and they're being turned around, sharp edges out...the back is off the pain scales this morning, and it hurts to move my neck...and the hip and right shoulder are pulsing so loud I can almost hear it...

I bet if I cataloged every small pain I had it would be a list near this long.
Shit anyone's would be. Maybe if you focused on something worthwhile (like becoming a good horror author like you clearly aren't) then maybe you'd feel better.

I'm convinced that people are convinced that Horror is a dirty word....when you break it down from a genre as a whole to subject matter like particular monsters or twilight zone-ish plots suddenly they DO like horror.

... You don't know what horror is at all, do you?
I wouldn't want to overstep my boundaries here because I am contending with a published author (fuck me).

You see I'm a gardener. I nurture and grow lots of things. Some of them more amazing than others. God has blessed me with many talents.

Too bad writing wasn't one of them, oh ho.

I would have had half a dozen of them had God saw fit to allow that.

This is such bizarre logic coming from someone whose recent book is about Sumerian (or some shit) gods. What, did God tell you to do that one, too?

With a spinal fusion and steel rods, I can't push the car...so I tell the kids to get out w/their stuff and go sit under a tree off on the other side of the ditch...because now I'm shaking like a leaf [already feeling bad, the heat and no A/C added to the problem...then of course, I had a heat flash....my feet are bright freaking red...]

Well with that Negative Nancy attitude I guess you couldn't push a car. What did the Little Engine That Could say? "I think I can, I think I can!"
While I would continue with this fascinating tale of being stranded in the middle of civilization I have things I'd rather be doing.

Cool Kid School

This entire blog is about my famous book series, Twilight. Yeah that's right. I wrote it. I'm fucking rich out of my goddamn mind for writing an extended conversation between my author self-insertion persona and my author self-insertion personas.
I pride myself on being a huge fucking nerd faggot loser who can still blend in with normal society and hold a normal conversation with others who venture into the day star, so this blog is an interesting exercise in what it's like to take the plunge and become a complete mutant.
Ha, ha Twilight University indeed. I bet their football team kicks ass.

In keeping with the theme for this week so far, the student body is meeting in order to announce the official Hot Topic Twilight University Student Uniform, which will be worn at proms, vampire baseball games, and cliff diving competitions.

Official Twilight University student uniform. I know what the cool kids are doing these days now, don't I? I'm plugged in.

(Striped knee socks are optional.)

But the penis that found its way into your mouth sure isn't optional.

After in-depth discussion and an extensive review of available options, the choice was clear: We had to bring the chagrin. And the creepiness. Because that is what Twilight University is all about.

Even Twilight fans admit their books are creepy as fuck.

When masses of fangirls are encountered, for instance at Hot Topic or at the midnight showing of The Movie, there are several steps you can take take to minimize the risks of fangirl injury.

I carry a riot shotgun for situations like this.

Cover your ears. If you anticipate extended exposure, invest in some serious earplugs. Your ability to hear will thank you.
Consider the use of a full face mask. This should provide some protection against the scratching, eye poking, and facial fractures.

Not this is her advice, not mine. I decided to heed it, so here is my mask:

Know the enemy. Rabid fangirls can generally be identified by their excessive crying and shrieking when presented with anything Twilight-related.

It's cool with that helmet I can see across several spectrums and through walls if the lighting is right, so I'll see them coming. Also even if one does approach I weigh about a ton with that armor, so what can she possibly do?

If possible, avoid areas known to incite fangirl hysteria, including but not limited to Mormon temples, shopping malls containing Hot Topics, Mexican airports, and TwiMom meets at Starbucks.

Yeah I'll be sure to avoid TwiMom (what) that week. It'll be tough but I know I can do it.

As in the last review, this section will feature feats of amazing artistic genius.

Ha, ha that's what I think of when I think Twilight.

Okay, you have been in the University for some time, and it is really time to pick a team.

I'm going for a doctorate in idiot fanfiction. Think I'll make it?

Today, in addition to being the day after Halloween, also marks the countdown of 2 weeks and 6 days until the release of the Twilight movie.

Goddamn your font. Also I have it marked out on my calendar. I'm counting down the minutes.

Searching for the perfect gift for the TwiFan in your life?

I'd buy her (invariably her) a bullet.

It is clear that many (most?) fangirls have a little problem with differentiating the actors and real life from the fictional world of the Cullens.

If I landed one of these roles I'd do it, make my millions, then immediately call the entire thing fucking stupid and anyone who likes it an idiot. That way I'd alienate my fans and still walk away with millions.

Ways That Robert Pattinson Could Be More Awesome
(And Increase the Lulz)

Increase the "lulz", huh?

Still haven't found a team you can really commit to?

I'm committed to team "I talk to girls sometimes."

Looking for a group that can match your intelligence, desperation, and love of bow ties? There still may be hope...

Not here, but I'm just saying there's hope for you.

I, for one, have been dazzled. I cannot get enough. But I also feel like I have seen the entire movie at this point.

I saw the trailer on TV by accident and it looks like a shitty Blade knock off with 100% more gay and 100% less gore. It's going to be a mediocre at best romp that will be rewarded far beyond its due.

For weeks after the book was released, I searched YouTube constantly wanting to see evidence of the infamous call to burn the book.

I'm usually against book burnings (no matter the book) but if they wanted to purge that stain I'd be for it.

Is it just me, or does there seem to be a whole lot of eggs in the Twilight saga?

No I noticed that too.

In this second course focused on examining the fashions of Twilight, we will address the presence of Stephenie Meyer's favorite color: beige.

Which is really kind of funny because that's exactly how I'd describe her writing style. Beige.

The beige is gigantic in its many iterations: khaki, light tan, champaign, and (maybe, just maybe) topaz. topaz.

Khaki, light tan, champagne, topaz.

This leads the reader to one question: SMeyer, why are you doing this to me?

Yeah she did that to you specifically. She planned that out and really put a ton of thought into her story.

Umm...that does not look like a white turtleneck and beige leather jacket.

Captain Badass and his turtleneck.

The release of the Twilight Soundtrack track list today was...as expected. Muse, Linkin Park, and Paramore, all very SMeyer choices.

I rag on Twilight but this is marketing genius at its most brilliant.

*Please, God, let them make a Twilight musical.

One thing the Bill O'Reillys of the world seem to think is that if gay marriage were allowed children would somehow "become" gay. Anyone with a working knowledge of psychology, biology and history would know no one can "become" gay, but I fucking guarantee a Twilight musical would be a gay transformation machine.

As a continuation in our popular dating series, this guide is designed to teach uncoordinated human girls what NOT to do when pursuing the twinkling vampires or sweaty werewolves that they desire.

I put a lot of thought into my response to this and I don't think there are words that could properly express what I'm feeling, so instead, a picture:

In short: It’s fucking embarrassing. Begging for sexual relations is neither becoming nor virtuous.

But I can't blame you for trying, ladies.

We are gathered here today to discuss something that has been bothering me for a long time: Twilight Fashion.

This is the fourth (seriously) entry on fashion in Twilight. This blog is officially boring as fuck.

This course will seek to grasp the notion of logic and reasoning,

Something Twilight fans are very uncomfortable with, I assure you.

Assembly Topic: Technique Training from the Athletic Department

Including such invaluable lessons as "how to reach that anime DVD on the shelf overhead" and "how to inhale plankton".
Jesus Christ this goes on and on forever. How long have these books been out? I doubt I could write this much about shit I've been into for 10+ years.
That's it, I guess. This goes on and on apparently until the dawn of time but I don't want to read through several billion years' worth of posts, so fuck it.

Super Bummerman 2

Any entry entitled "Dear Diary, Mood Apathetic..." is basically a guaranteed review.
Read this shit.

So, for the past 3 days or so, I've been like the people in depression ads. Not moving from the couch, not getting dressed, barely eating.... I don't really feel like I'm depressed, though.

Fuck it.

I'm so in love with my tattoo, I want another one.

Wonder what it is? I bet it's either a heart, a butterfly above the ankle (white trash tattoo) or some Chinese character on the arm in horrible pidgin Chinese.

I like the lower back/"tramp stamp" area... but people say that can cause problems when you have babies and want an epidural.

Ha, ha... Jesus.

Plus, I'm not a tramp.

That's like saying "I let legions of men fuck me on a nightly basis." Flat refutation of something like that is more than likely confirmation.

I don't want it somewhere like on my wrists/arms or legs because I want to be able to cover it up if I ever need to.

Why get one, then? Just pretend you have one and forget the whole thing.

God damn, I had a $200 mobile phone bill this month. It wouldn't be so bad.... except I am practically unemployed.

Americans coming to terms with the harsh reality that they can't throw money around like crazy. It's really funny because they treat the fact that they can't spent 200 dollars on a monthly cellphone bill like it's a serious decrease in their quality of life.

Hopefully someone or something will get me out of this mess... :(

Ha, ha baby needs her bottle? Find a job you parasite.

I've just had an epiphany.
I'm engaged to a fucking BAD ASS.

Yeah anyone who would marry you has to be a regular Dirty Harry, huh?

Maybe I am ignorant?

Yeah maybe.

How is killing an innocent animal any different from an abortion?

Ooph. Hear that? That was me getting hit with the proverbial right hook of a debating heavy weight champion.
If you can't see the difference between this:and this:

then I have some news for you.

Both are living things.

An embryo is alive in the loosest sense of the term. If you "killed" that embro you'd be killing hundreds of thousands times fewer cells than you would by scratching your arm once.
This entire post is very odd to me because she seems to be arguing for abortion using strictly anti-abortion terminology.

Dustin turns 20 on Monday. He is an old man. I'm gonna be in my teens engaged to a guy in his twenties. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love him. I met him when he was 15. Isn't that cute? :)

No. :D

I don't enjoy feeling like a fucking loser living off my parents.

Shit's so cash don't feel bad.
Of course if you aren't doing anything then get a job, sheeet.

Nothing will ever, EVER compare to The Beatles. The four men who made up The Beatles are the closest things to any kind of living God the world has come across.

Yep. 1970 was the end of music because The Beatles broke up. Everyone had to pack it up after that.
The Beatles were overrated, let's face it. I mean, I like The Beatles, but once the term "living God" comes up you're overrated.

The Beatles would never be considered "pop" by today's standards.

Fucking yeah they would get out of here.
They had some rock hits but their fame was won on pop music.
Also I'd call their "rock" hits pop hits anyway because in comparison to their contemporaries they were still poppy. Cream was around at this point, for Christ's sake.
Now here's a list of shit she doesn't want to hear from people. I'd like to preface this by saying people are basically one step removed from animals and give literally no thought to whatever they say, so all this shit that could be interpreted as negative is probably meant to comfort you, somehow.
But let's face it you are a woman (oh ho destroyed) after all, so you'll treat this is as illogically as possible.

"Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"

Hell no.
I like how she constantly refers to this guy as "her" marine. Something about that really grinds my shit. I don't know why because I bet I wouldn't have noticed if she said "my boyfriend".

"My boyfriend had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."

Establishing, of course, a camaraderie with the other person in the dialog is a smart way to form a bond with someone. Someone like me, who expects such ignorant comments from people on a constant basis would interpret this as an attempt to share in the loneliness with being away from someone's spouse, but not Mrs. Logic:

This one is similar to the one above. Do not equate your boyfriend's three week with a 7-10 month deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your boyfriend or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your boyfriend could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account.

Yeah we're nothing alike. Welp, not sure why I'm speaking with you, then. Get bent. Seriously just roll with the fucking conversation, please? This is why you're unemployed. Anything anyone says that you disagree with in the slightest suddenly becomes a goddamn Mexican standoff. I know people are insensitive and you think they can't relate to the deep emotions that only you can possibly feel or whatever it is you think but they tried their goddamn best, didn't they? They probably didn't mean to offend you (I mean I would have just to see what havoc I could cause, but I'm a jackass anyway).

He even asked me what I've been up to, like that matters when he's in Iraq.

You know a lot of guys in Iraq attempt to establish shit like that so they know life is still nor-- fuck it you're a mutant who can't possibly relate to any human action, can you?
Jesus Christ it's like an entire ocean separates you from the rest of civilization. Are the actions of others really that goddamn mysterious to you?

Fall is in the air. You can smell it, feel it. I'm so excited.

Yes the time of decline and eventual death is filled with such vibrancy that I can't help but be excited.
Really connected with nature, are you now?

So, for all you women (and men, for that matter) who are complaining because you haven't seen your boyfriend for a week or whatever... be thankful he's not deploying.

Ha, ha, ha look at this. "Well whatever you think you have to deal with pales in comparison to the suffering I feel." Fuck you, lady.
The thing is I agree with her. I have no clue what that must feel like, but she's such a bint about it that I can't help but hate her.

Lol, I'm not really that upset, but still.. it's fucking Harry Potter.

Maybe it's because I hang around with a bunch of college educated nerds, but the only time people say "it's fucking..." it's usually something like "the fucking Odyssey" or "the fucking Crusades" or something actually awesome.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO GET TUBERCULOSIS FROM IN 2008?!

Uhh... Third world countries. Like, what was it... Iraq.

:( x infinity

You can't actually multiply something by infinity because it's not a numb--
fuck.

I had my first ever psychic reading last night.

Herp durp durp

What a weird experience.
She was oddly accurate, and yet
everything was extremely vague.

Wow you even saw the trick and it was still lost on you.
This is why the fool and his money are quickly parted, people.

I'm not into that whole tarot cards,
crystal ball, zodiac sign kind of stuff.

Yeah I bet fucking not because the actual meaning behind these things requires introspection and thought as well as a working knowledge of how people behave, something you're clearly uncomfortable with.

I love how people make me feel like shit because I want to do something about being 900 miles away from my boyfriend (or fiancee, lol).

It's one 'e' you uncultured bore. "Fiancee" is the girl version. "Fiance" is the male version.
There's also a rising diacritic on the last 'e' in each but I don't know how to make that because I'm English and my language conforms to the characters it was given.

I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself, but I am not planning to get married this year.

Well the later entries make a liar out of you, don't they?

But, at least he's not deploying. =]

I'm from the future. I have bad news.

I'm pretty impressed with how awesome I am.

Hey that's what I say after I reread each entry I write too!

John Denver was such an amazing musician.
I don't care what kind of music you listen to.
You are musically challenged if you don't know or like John Denver.
And that's seriously a fact, not an opinion.
Amazing.

The internet: where opinions are facts, facts are opinions and everyone is retarded.

Why would they let someone like her go when I've only been there 8 months?

Probably because your work is unskilled and she made way more than you do?
After this she just starts repeating how much she misses her boyfriend. He's probably glad to be away from her, goddamn.

YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!

I knew this one would be a winner when the second entry was entitled "A Couple More Political Things". Great in the current explosive political climate I'm glad I could turn to your leadership, xomomentofzen.
That's some name you have there, by the way.
Immediately I get a taste of her(?) literary tastes, which, like all people on Livejournal, is refined.

English- Finished Troy and got the due date for our essays pushed back until Monday. Such a nice class.

I loved how they threw Aeneas in at the very end in a holding-the-door-open-for-a-possible-seq

uel sort of way. "Do you know how to use a sword?" xD

Lol xD
I honestly don't see why English teachers feel the need to do this. REMEMBER READING THAT ODYSSEY THAT YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T LIKE AND COULDN'T APPRECIATE? WELL HERE'S A MODERN INTERPRETATION. Great.
I haven't read Troy because if I honestly had the urge to read about the Trojan war and its resulting mythology I'd just read the original because I'm sure the modern rehash is unnecessary.
I'd like to see the Aeneid remake, though. Even the original Aeneid felt like Odyssey fanfiction so I can't imagine what a remake of a fanfiction would be like. I'm sure it'd create a black hole.

I've never had anyone call me a political junkie before. My feet were binding themselves in my shoes, I was so happy. :D

I would say that as an insult but sure whatever.

English- Continued to watch Troy. I love our class so hard because every time we watch a movie it's like I'm in an amateur MST3K episode.

I'm not really sure why I thought Troy was a book. I guess because it was an English class. Silly me.
I liked the Troy movie, though. It was a fun movie.
Also I'm sure it was like an MST3K episode. Since you're such a riot in the first place I'm sure you could pull that off.

"Turn off the lights! I feel like I'm at homecoming." LULZ.

Ha, ha... Guess you had to be there.

I HAVEN'T SQUEED THIS LOUD SINCE I WATCHED M. BUTTERFLY!!!

EEEEEEEEEE!!! THIS IS FUCKING AWSOME!!!

Holy shit that actually hurt my head for a second. I almost heard your annoying voice through the internet.

I don't know why I yelled at her so bad.

Cool Boston accent you have there. Seriously who qualifies "yell" with "bad"?

I'm relieved to see things are looking so good for Obama (AND HOW ABOUT THEM HOUSE AND SENATE RACES, AMIRITE?)

Why are you saying a-- fuck it.

NEED MORE SYNONYMS FOR "FRIENDS" THAT DON'T ALLUDE TO THEM BEING FUCK BUDDIES.

Uhh... Amigos, allies, pals, buddies, BFFs, uhh-- fuck you get a thesaurus.

I am too young to vote this time around, so I have to sit at home and trust other people are being awsome and taking advantage of that opportunity.

I'm just taking advantage of knowing how to spell awesome.

- Watch V for Vendetta because midnight tonight is the fifth of November (HOW SWEET IS THAT?)

Ha, ha yeah just like in the movie.
Seriously what is it with people and celebrating Guy Fawkes day? He was a terrorist, basically. Americans really don't get it (saying that as an American even).

"I was hoping I'd see one of you this morning," he said. Yeah, that's right. Keep associating me with work ethic. ;)

Fuh yeah I'm sure he will.

English- DONUT PARTY. FUCK YES. Too bad it was way too early in morning for donuts and by the time I was done with mine I kind of wanted to throw up.

I guess nothing happens in this English class. No reading or learning the English language.

What an asshole. I mean, that's racist, isn't it?

No, assuming someone speaks a language isn't racist. If you said "ay caramba! Let us eat tacos!" because he looks Spanish then yeah. Otherwise you're being an oversensitive cunt.

I ended up not going trick-or-treating on Friday, not because I felt I was too old or anything, but because I couldn't think of a decent costume that was cheap and couldn't be considered cross-dressing.

You are a walking embarrassment. I would be ashamed to even admit I know you.

Abby brought candy to pass around, or really, throw around. My 100 Grand bar hit me in the back of the head.

Good. Too bad it wasn't fired from a high powered rifle.

I just want a couple of my friends to tell me it's a good issue (even if they lie, I don't care) and if they have criticisms or suggestions I'm open, but the glory fades fast and it's not five minutes before the first issue is crumpled and tossed on the floor by some little kid.
Talking about the school newspaper.

Which is fucking insane. Who gives two shits? When I worked on the school newspaper it was basically a mad scramble to finish my articles in a day so I could have the month off so I could cut out early.

Oh, and who gave me the names out-of-order for the caption on the front page? Nicole. Granted I should have known better and double-checked with someone else, but only because Nicole is such an unreliable source.

Ha, ha, ha awesome. It's Nicole's fault, but I should have known better but it's Nicole's fault I even had to check in the first place. Genius.
I remember the editor in chief (some asshole kid I don't know) tried to jump up my ass for having the name captions out of order. "Hey it's your paper chief I just write the articles," and walked off. You have to learn to take less shit from people.

The worst days in Psychology are the days Mr. Bailey tries to debunk evolution.

What fucking school is this where they try to debunk evolution in psychology and watch movies in English?
Oh wait it could have been mine, son of a bitch.

Spanish- Ok, so our workbooks are pretty outdated. It wouldn't be so bad, but whenever they incorporate celebritities' names no one knows who the fuck they're talking about.

That's the best part of a language class. Everyone knows the last time they made any language resource was 1987, meaning if you're still in high school the materials were made at least two years before you were born.

It didn't matter anyway, I guess, because we all had this assembly about underage drinking. A mother of a boy who had drowned after he passed out drunk talked to us for a solid half hour about how her son died.

I only went to those when they had accompanying pictures. I knew the kid who operated the slideshow so I could ask beforehand.

I know some kids need to hear that stuff, but I was so depressed by that point in the day that I just wanted to go home.

Why wouldn't you? It's not like they keep attendance.

The Iliad, or what we were supposed to read of it. I'm always so disappointed when kids die in stories, especially when they're at the end of a bloodline.

What kid? Hector? Patroclus? Forget it. I'm not having this conversation with myself.

I got a couple compliments today, and one freshman in my Spanish class even walked up to me and, after a pause, said, "I like your hair straight."
I thanked her, but I was really thinking Fuck off. DEAR EVERYONE, STRAIGHTENED OR CURLY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!

Fine don't take a compliment you ungrateful cunt.
This has to be the most boring thing I've ever read. I can't believe how goddamn boring her life is.

or will I be walking around saying, "WTF, my generation invented 1337 speak, betch"?

Your generation didn't invent it.

Holy shit, I just read someone's comment that in Will & Grace, Grace Adler's wedding music is the theme to Brideshead Revisited! IS THAT WHY IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR?

Oh man, did you know my initials are an anagram for HAG? xD

It's like I'm watching someone descend into madness. I can only imagine she's covered in the blood of her victims while she's writing this.

I just got through the first episode, "Et in Arcadia Ego"--And in... Something Something?--and I can't stop squeeing over Charles Ryder/Sebastian Flyte. Seriously. I keep making weird squeaky noises. xD

Oh gag. You are disgusting. Also "Et in Arcadia Ego" means "Even in Arcadia, I Am." Or it could be "I, too, was an Arcadian"goddamn I'm not here to teach you Latin. It's a painting, you uncultured twit. Maybe instead of making annoying noises and making everyone around you miserable you should read a book or do something constructive?
Well I guess that's it. This was a weird entry for me. Her constant hopping from one thought to another with no transitions made this difficult.

I Get It.

Obama won. Yay for Obama. Can we please, please, get past it?
That was a rhetorical question, of course, because of course we can't.
Thankfully there are people like Lilyaquarius, though. Too busy swimming in lake me to even pause for a moment of introspection.
Her first post confirms my worst fears: she can't log in to Myspace. My God.
Also she seems to have a bizarre ban on cussing, but like any reasoned adult she doesn't simply avoid cussing because she finds it unsavory, instead she uses the words but censors them. Yes, the word "damn" is a lot less offensive when you reverse the 'n' and the 'm'.
Then she has a long (like two times longer than one of my posts long) post about how Marvel comics (I know) is going downhill and is shit. Since I'll be goddamned if I'm going to refute her ignorant opinions one by one I'm going to give my blanket response to it:
comic books are for children and therefore contain infantile stories. That is why the stories are shit, because they are for children.
I never understood this logic before. WHY DOES THIS CARTOON I'M WATCHING AVOID THE DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL ISSUES? Because it's a fucking cartoon. Jesus.

But one thing went through my mind - "anime fest. Anime fest. ANIME FEST!"

Ha, ha cool kids in Texas watch the fuck out.

It was two thirty when I finnaly got out of line.

Second time you've done this, captain phonics.

Now as anyone who knows me knows that my favorite VO is Scott McNeil.

I couldn't even name one voice actor.
I'm not saying that like "oh look how cool I am" because I know every single character in the Shin Megami Tensei series (first and last name) so this is like ultra-nerd right here.

Next weekend my big sis and I along with (maybe) some of our friends are going up to Dallas to see Scott McNeil!!! IN person!!! :falls over and dies of squealing:

I have to feel bad for these anime voice actors. They probably got into this thinking it'd be steady work. Little did they know they'd have to deal with the most annoying fanbase ever.
All right I looked this guy up and I've actually seen practically everything he's ever done (I'm a big Gundam fan fuck it) and I didn't even know.

Who here likes DB/DBZ? Raise your hand if you do.

In a nostalgic sense sure because I was 12 when I was into it but I can't honestly say I've given it serious attention in this decade.
Also before this turns into a serious thesis on the DBZ mythos I'd like to point out the entire plot is basically an excuse to have a 15 episode fight scene so please don't overanalyze this.

Well, lets talk about my favorite character from that franchise, none other then the green alien himself: Piccolo.

Imagine that. You talking about yourself.

Now as any fan would know Piccolo is a namek, who is from a race a green aliens, who can create the Dragonballs, and who are all asexual.

Yes as any fan would know. Pfft.

Wait! What was that last part again? Oh yeah... asexual. Meaning he doesn't have it or anything else. Now I'll admit I didn't know that Piccolo was without that at the start.

Who gives a shit?

All right. I'm out of time but I will continue this little rant-a-thon as it were much later.

lilyaquarius tackling the tough issues of our time. God bless you, lilyaquarius.
That's it. That's her last post. Well, besides the introduction post which continues the trend of being boring as fuck.
Ha, ha, ha I clicked on "friends" and she has none. Livejournal just destroyed you.

Dark Times

Off the coat tails of Halloween comes Election Day.
I can do this, I can do this-- okay.
Right away I'm already making an angry face at this blog. What is that in the upper right corner I spy?

Despite it's difficulty, I'm glad I've got the thumbs up to perform it.

"It's" doesn't impl-- fuck it.

When the lesson was over, I took the bus back to the dorms and played for another hour (bringing the grand total to about four hours for those who are counting) before heading to the union for lunch, which I'm eating now. Yay food.

I bet the people that live around you fucking despise you for this. Fuck you shut that claptrap up.

I've got to go to Japanese in twenty minutes, and then I've got to study for the midterm, which I suppose won't be too hard, as it's just memorization.

No, stop! Learning a language involves memorization? Jesus Christ a regular phenom at this, you.

I should really practice my kanji, but who knows how the fuck I'll feel after all this is said and done...

I like how she(?) structures this like "ehh maybe I should practice that I don't know" it's only one of the most difficult parts of Japanese. No big deal shouldn't have to keep up with that.

I think the trick to staying on top of things is going to be forgetting any ideas I might have had about keeping a social life... which is fine, really.

Fuck you what are you doing right now? Cut this shit out and get back to practice and maybe you wouldn't be so goddamn busy. I bet most of your day is filled with frivolous nonsense. I bet if you broke down how many hours you actually spent on kanji it'd be less than, say, ten.

I'm not here too make friends, or play Final Fantasy XI, I'm here to play the shit out of my guitar, and I'm determined not to keep looking like a total fuck-up in front of the whole guitar department.

You could stop playing Final Fantasy XI all together. It's just a second job you have to pay for. That'd be many hours a day freed up.
Also nice use of "too" there. You may not be an embarrassment to the guitar department but you're the laughing stock of the English department.

This may not look like a HUGE classload,

Because it's not. End of thought.

but do keep in mind that I'm trying to practice guitar for 2-3 hours a day and learn piano and another language XD Okay, I'm done.

Oh it does keep going. Nice "XD" there, weeaboo.
Further, you don't have to justify your class choices to me. Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're that busy, because if you aren't you really don't have an excuse for being such a huge twat.
Here's what I'd say in my situation: "yeah what little work I do have is mitigated by my immense genius. It's pretty fucking great to be me, actually."
Her next entry is entitled:

some weabooisms are absolutely unforgivable.

Which is really funny because I was thinking of titling this entry that.

Piano fundimentals was fun.

Fundamentals.

Japanese was... well, a bit tough XD You know when your teacher makes you do that super awkward "Getting to know you" bullshit that nobody likes, and it really couldn't get any worse? Now try doing it in a language you don't know XD Frustration ensues. I do have an EXTREMELY amusing anicdote, however.

Anicdotes, huh? Is that any relation to anecdotes? This is what gets me at every language class I've ever taken (which has been a few). How can people who don't even speak English properly possibly learn another lanuage? In this case it's one that doesn't even use the Roman alphabet.
Well maybe that would be to her benefit, but my point stands.
Here's the thing, though. If this was Japanese she'd have exacted this shit. I wouldn't be pointing out "it's actually fundamental and anecdote" because she'd have nailed it.
Goddamn weeaboos.

College is so hard. Somebody, anyone, please come to Milwaukee and put a bullet or two inside of me right the fuck now. I'll pay.

Yeah being a music major must be real fucking difficult. I drive past your ilk on a daily basis to my bombed out English building that doesn't even have proper lighting. Right past the domed edifice of Collegic Gothic construction that is the music department, past all the bescarved bards, and I think "wow those are people who lead difficult lives." Fuck you, music majors. You're privileged, spoiled fuckwits.
I wouldn't bear a grudge if you people didn't get two new buildings last year. My department can't even claim lightbulbs and you get a concert hall and a practice hall? No, fuck you.

How am I supposed to know which of these circles is the lower note!? I'm not ms. fucking Cleo over here.

Okay I know this one. I've done this before, let me try and remember. What do I do when I don't know something for a class?
I seem to recall there was a series of pages arranged in a linear fashion and bound with a binding-- oh that's right. I READ THE FUCKING TEXTBOOK YOU IDIOT.

dumb post? pretty much.

No, not from you.

all of this semester's tuition is do immedietly.

I haven't been to the University of Milwaukee's webpage, but I have to assume they have 090-level English classes that could get you up to speed.

Crazy eighty page packet thing - about affirmative action. I swear, I'm going to finish reading more undecided than when I started...

Shit you actually do that shit? I just said I lost it the day it was due and no one said anything because I was a senior.

And so once again I'm torn between two polar opposites. What's a romantic such as myself to do? *sigh*

Join the Baroque movement because it's for tough internet space marines such as myself.

So I kinda feel like shit, and I figure, rather than talking directly to a real person, I'd BLOG all my troubles away.

Logic would dictate I should end the entry here to stop a headache, but I won't because I'm fucking stupid.

This morning I was feeling sick when I woke up, but I hate taking time off from school, so I decided to tough it out.

Oh yeah, you, the scholar who not... Five hours later was complaining that she actually had to do homework? Yeah you'd be remiss to actually take a day off.

The day went pretty okay, physically, except every time I eat, it feels like I get hungrier. It's weird, the food I'm eating never seems like the food I need, and ends up looking really disgusting to me, and I feel like I need more and more of something else... (I also spent like a half hour in the bathroom, but I'll spare the details...)

Well I'd say you're pregnant but that can't possibly be unless this is the second coming of Jesus Christ. (Virgin birth joke I think I was going for here sorry I'm annotating this after I finished writing the entry)

My acoustic guitar has broken strings, so I brought along my electric today.

Play Money For Nothing. If you can make it through the entire opening solo with no fuck ups you'd officially be off my shit list.

Let alone how to go about decoding the crazy theory jumble, write it down, and actually play it.

Shit who knew they'd actually expect you to know music in music class?
Besides people who are actually good at instruments don't bother with any of this shit, do they? They just crank out badass guitar riffs and make millions.
Of course then there's the classically trained who appreciate this kind of shit and eventually join symphonies, but I imagine they thrive on just what you're bitching about.
Face it kid, you're not cut out for either life.

I'm actually to the point where I'm sick of listening to music. What the SHIT. I flicked through my iTunes going "lame, lame, lame, lame, lame" like nine times today.

Maybe you should download quality music because I never seem to have this problem.

Margret Cho kicked ASS.

Ha, ha really? That's surprising.

She called Anne Coulter "Kuntakinte" and I was laughing too hard to be offended.

Oh ha, ha. That's cute. No, really. That's... That's a cute joke.

So I've got a shitload of homework. Am I going to do it? Fuck no. Why? Because it's the last semester of my senior year and FUCK SCHOOL ANYWAY, that's why.

Yeah now you get it. Cutting out at noon to watch soap operas and go to the mall.
Well that's it. I'm tired of writing this.