Fack

Empowered white woman whining .

A month ago, zvi mentioned a MOOC - Massive Open Online Courses - called Gender Through Comic Books over at Canvas.net. I've been wanting to get more grounded in comics. I went to an engineering school 12-1 male/female ratio with next to no humanities - so no, no gender courses. I said what the heck?

Speaking of needing a grounding in comic books I got this new vidya gaym called Injustice: Gods Among Us.
Seemed like a cool fighting game with Batman so I figured what could possibly go wrong?
Oh it could go fucking wrong.
I have no idea who half these people are.
Like it has your typical mix, you know.
Batman, Superman, Wonderwoman, Aquaman, The Flash--
Characters even a non-comic nerd like me can identify.
But then it gets dicey.
Who in the motherfuck is Deathstroke?
Doomsday?
Then it gets really obscure.
Killer Frost?
Shazam (not to be confused with Shazzan of Hanna-Barbera obscurity)?

I've been having a good time overall. The gender stuff is good -- I've picked up a bunch of info from fandom over the years, but the class is allowing me the space to put some more thought about it. It's been really fun to read a variety of comic books. Part of the course material is to look at the change in gender perception over time. We read the earliest issues of Superman and compared them with the latest versions of the comics. Warning: The first volume of Wonder Woman not only had significant race!fail but it had fat shaming.

You'll be glad to know in Injustice Wonder Woman barely has a personality.
Batman enters every scene like fucking Dracula, too.
There's a cloud of bats and he just emerges from it.
It looks really cool but that kind of pushes the ninja moves a bit far.
Also I don't get Batman's move set.
I bought the game to beat people up as Batman and I'm better with Cat Woman.
Not sure what to make of any of this.
They gave Joker a shiv, too, so if Joker's creepy yellow grin wasn't bad enough he also shanks you.
It's kind of startling coming from the Adam West Batman's Joker.
Who was really more of a pedophile than anything.
Suddenly he's running up trying to stick a knife in your chest.

Did the Mayans mean civil solstice or astronomical solstice

NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS SHUT UP.
Man am I glad the Mayan shit blew over.

Anyway, I was digging around for the astronomical explanation for solstice, but I can't explain the celestial equator or ecliptic in ten words or less.

Basically the solstices and equinoxes mean that the earth is passing through specific part of it's orbit. Two lines are crossing at a point, a moment in time. So astronomically speaking the December Solstice 2012 happens at 11:12am UTC (GMT).

I wouldn't put too much stock in a barbarian culture's astrology.

It shifts a bit year to year and can happen sometime between the 20th and 22nd -- which is why that many civil and religious authorities over the year have declared it to be December 21.

Of course there are larger implications, (so speaks the pagan girl who has said it before)

She's pagan, guys.
lowercase p.
That means hillbilly, you know.
Capital Pagan means religion.
And an utterly meaningless word because it was first applied to people in the sticks of Rome and Greece who hadn't yet converted to Christianity and was later applied to Germanic barbarians and the like. Then as the Byzantine Empire expanded so did their persecution of "Pagans".
It's a meaningless nonsense word that can literally describe dozens of indigenous religious beliefs.
I was about to say I'm not claiming you as one of the true faith but if you're whinging about gender in comic books and the equinox I don't think you're of the truth faith anyhow.
Anyway this blog kind of descends into fanfiction posting.
I don't give a shit about fanfiction so AWAAAAAAAAAAY

Dreamwidth

I've noticed a lot of cute Asian chicks post on Dreamwidth.
Naturally they prove themselves the superior choice in female companionship for discerning wisemen considering their blogs are 95% recipes and 5% pictures of dogs or cats.
Meanwhile what's up with my benighted brethren who date white women?
White women ahoy!
Is there a better word than benighted, speaking of?
It's basically the way Homer would call you an asshole.

Every so often I offer free one-card tarot readings. This includes a second free draw (one card) to anyone who links me to their post advertising this, a three-card past-present-future spread to anyone who donates 2 USD via my Paypal button below, and a Celtic Cross ten-card spread to anyone who donates 5 USD. 

Sorry Persona ruined the tarot forever.
Can't read it with that level of awesome and drama I don't give a shit.
Also you want the cool cards.
WOW KNIGHT OF CUPS AWESOME I CAN GET MOTIVATED ABOUT FORTUNE TELLING WITH IMAGERY LIKE THIS!
No you want the cool shit like the magician or the hanged man or something.

Day Six: Favorite female-driven show

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

Well, the good news is I'm not treasurer of my square dance club. I would have hated that, even though I said I'd do it. Treasurer has to talk to all the guests and to everyone who wants to buy a 50-50 ticket, and my anxiety would not have liked that one bit.

Square dancing?
Is it 1949?

Bad news is, that's because there's no more club. Square dancing is a dying art, and we're just one more casualty. Last dance of this club's thirty-two years of existence is in May, and I don't think I'll be able to go. If I'm crying this hard now...

Well it had a good run I guess.

#onlinefeminism has taught me most everything I know about the kyriarchy in all its forms. The rest I learned on my own, but didn't understand without the tools online feminism gave me. I thought, for example, that all the times I suggested a thing and nobody listened and a guy suggested that thing and everybody listened, those resulted from some personal fault of my own. Turns out it's a sexist pattern, not my fault at all. Without online feminism, I would never have figured that out.

Yes I'm not a person with no leadership skills--
IT'S SEXISM.

Online feminism has changed my life. At this point it would be entirely fair to say that online feminism (and fandom, but there's heavy overlap) IS my life.

My heart's still beating. Feminism must not be dead

>Feminism is my life
ha wow

Gender correlates pretty strongly with reproductive organs and with the twenty-third chromosome. Correlation is not causation.

I was born a man with bad allergies.
In my heart, though, my right nostril doesn't feel like it's filled with asphalt.
Nope it still is.

There are two basic templates for reproductive organs. There's a whole lot of ways to vary those templates. There is nothing wrong with this.

Yeah.
Like a cock ring.
That's right: a Prince Albert.
A bar going right through the cockhole.
Well if I had any male readers they've stopped reading this entry.

How confused do you think you'd be by a story where, instead of gendered third-person singular pronouns (for this purpose, 'ze', 'ey', singular 'they', et al are gendered), the third singular pronouns are something like na/nan, sa/san, ta/tan, translating roughly to this-one, that-one, that-one-over-there? All gender-neutral, and which one refers to whom changes depending on the speaker.

I don't even understand the explanation.
That's how confusing it'd be.

Help me think of impossible things? 'When hell freezes over', '

Dante depicted the lowest levels of hell as freezing.

 Has anyone seen an email forward about an atheist going to court to
challenge observances of Christian and Jewish holy days on account of
atheists don't have any? Because I didn't see the whole thing, just what
happened to be up on a coworker's screen when I had to ask her something,
and I suspect the punchline is Apr 1 is Atheist Day or some such thing, and
if so I need to be very grouchy at her, because. Hi.

Fucking
hate atheists
they are so annoying.
They're as bad as the deeply religious I swear to fuck.

I wonder if it's possible to write a story with a genderfluid lead without calling attention to the fact except via changing pronouns (and possibly name—like, Alexandra for when the lead is female, Alex for when the lead is male or agender or bigender or whichever one I decide to go with) and without confusing the fuck out of the presumably-not-up-on-gender-minorities-e

xcept-maybe-trans-folk audience.

I mean, I could and probably should explain the concept in the story, but that's not as fun as seeing if the audience picks it up unprompted.

How about

you tell a good story?

Nope can't do that because you have no talent, so--

ZE!

HIR!

EY!

EMPOWERMENT!

FEMINISM!

Standard babble about what I like: Ladies being awesome. Bechdel passing. People of color being awesome. Femslash, het, slash, poly, gen. Porn, pornless shippy fic, gen.

What?

Here's what I like in fiction:

epic poetry

scifi

cyberpunk

classics

that's about it, really.

I bet everyone understood most of mine.

No one understood what the fuck you just said.

Dear little sister:

STOP FAT-SHAMING YOUR BABY SISTER.

Point one: she is, even by the bullshit BMI measure, well within normal weight range for her height.

Point two, which could and maybe should be point only because point one is much less relevant: we are trying to inspire self-confidence in her, and making baby sister feel bad about her body is not a route to baby sister having self-confidence.

Can I get a fucking trigger warning here you insensitive cunt?

Of all the BDSM fanfic in the world, why, why did the one to become a wildly successful origific novel have to be Fifty Shades?

Guess what the ladies at work have been talking about for the past twenty minutes. With much roaring laughter, because apparently it is greatly entertaining that only one of us has actually had sex involving bondage. ("It must be a Jersey thing.") I don't feel it necessary to mention to them that the main reason I haven't is I haven't had any sex, never mind a sexual relationship of enough duration and sufficient trust to explore anything I find sexy in fic.

Can I get a trigger warning again?

Goddamn.

I am deeply, deeply offended by the word "fanfic". 

because getting yelled at for ten minutes, then being unable to stop crying for ten minutes was exactly what my mental health needed today. 

Women.

...yeah, out-of-debt-and-with-enough-saved-to-mov

e-out date is still nearly three years off.

find me happy things?

Find your own happy things.

Fuck you.

Also oh shit I meant to post this last night but I didn't.
Time to do some time traveling.
I POSTED THIS
FRIDAY
AT 11 PM
AND NONE OF YOU NOTICED.

Oh shit I'm sorry

Sorry for what?
I forgot to update for like a week.
For the sake of peace of mind, I think I've decided to conclude that the anonymous comment calling me a bully was a random troll.

Because it has been rather bothering me, and I have no idea who it could possibly be otherwise. Discussing it with my housemates, the people who've shared my daily life for something like the last five years (and been my friends for far longer), we have come up with not a single plausible candidate - we had one vague idea for someone who might think I'm a bully based on an incident about six or seven years ago, but she's Australian, and the IP is American. (Also, I don't think she's likely to be obsessively still following my journal, and seriously, I haven't spoken to her since that incident.)

So someone called you an asshole
and instead of saying "yeah fuck yourself" you instead decided to call an intervention on yourself and review everything you've done the for the past six years?

I'm thinking of writing a monograph

A monograph.
Or essay, as we say.

Of sorts, at least. On the theme of intra-community censure and the power dynamics of speech and silencing - I'll come up with a more coherent way to express that when I start organising my data, this is just kind of a call for data submissions.

...
What?
I'm just going to call you a cunt now because goddamn.

Essentially: If you, or someone you know, has been intimidated, or silenced, or in some way pressured within fandom, by a perpetrator or perpetrators who are protected in some way by fandom's hierarchies of status and personal relationships, please tell me about it.

How much of a social justice warrior do you have to be
to be bitching about other social justice warriors?

Autotune annoys me, for a number of reasons. I don't like how bland it makes voices - it strips out all the depth, to me.

But, you know, some people like that, and some careers are kinda built on it. The price, of course, is that prefab pop princesses who can't actually sing will get mocked for that.

Except then Autotune became a thing, where denatured vocals somehow became some kind of "normal", and so you get more of it, and you also get a lot of undeserved hate forming.

God who gives a shit
listen to real music

Party in the USA: Miley Cyrus, notably Autotuned to standard prefab pop princess levels. Standard video clip; she's distinguished from every other young singer product by the well-worn cowboy boots in which she has faint hints of boot-scooting, and her relatively age-appropriate clothing.

So, people presume, she's just another prefab, and the faint hints of country in her dress and dancing are because she's the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, and everyone still faintly resents that stupid stupid song of his anyway, so hate on Miley Cyrus, because misogyny anyway, and stuff.

Yes, the reason people hate that song is because of misogyny and not because it's fucking garbage.

I had a very satisfying experience recently: bringing enlightenment to the unenlightened.

Today I saw a young wiseman.
I'm glad to see the wisdom endures.

Kaesong is closing, but...

"No-one should be allowed to throw a region, even the whole world, into chaos for selfish gains," Chinese president Xi Jinping told the Bo'ao Asia Forum in southern China on Sunday.

Although he did not mention North Korea by name, Mr Xi's remarks were taken as a clear warning to Pyongyang, which is hugely dependent on China's economic and diplomatic support.

Oh good.
Thanks, China.
Two countries are on the brink of nuclear armageddon and you sent the geopolitical equivalent of an angry work email.
YOU BETTER NOT NUKE ANYONE, NORTH KOREA, OR CHINA WILL BE MAD AT YOU.
GRRR ANGRY CHINA.

Things that could be predicted: China being seriously irritated by North Korea's current bout of Braggadocio Fever. Use of the word "chaos" (assuming accurate translation, obvs) is promising, because China is the best bet for reining in North Korea, and chaos is very much a thing China Does Not Want.

As opposed to all the other countries which just fucking love chaos.

It's China. China wants stability and order. China always wants stability and order; China does not want a new Korean War just outside its borders, or a sudden mass influx of refugees across its borders, or nuclear weapons going off anywhere near it. All these things are disruptive to order and stability.

AS OPPOSED TO ALL THE LANDS THAT LOVE REFUGEES AND RADIATION.

So. I am waving my mind-pompoms for China managing to get North Korea to calm the fuck down.

The next day North Korea moved a ton of missiles to its border.
So good work predicting the outcome of that diplomacy, cunt.

I am now wholeheartedly in favour of legalising marijuana - in edible form only, while possibly increasing severity of penalty for smoking it, or something.

Because the only problem I actually have with pot, as a concept, is the "smoking". I am sick of, and genuinely nastily sickened by, second-hand smoke. Marijuana can be taken in food form. This brings it back into the category of "not hurting anyone else".

(Because someone else's right to smoke (anything) seriously ends, imo, when it conflicts with my right NOT TO.)

What do you want to bet if she wanted to smoke something she'd be the first to find wiggle room in her policy?
YOUR RIGHTS END WHERE MY FEELINGS BEGIN~

So, this Las Pegasus Unicon brony convention meltdown thing.

My Little Pony fans.

I can't help wondering if the "real" problem is that a lot of bronies don't really seem to have much past experience with being in fandom, or something, and don't/didn't get that setting up a convention is kind of a big deal. Because, seriously, there seem to have been so many red flags going in to this that it's sort of astonishing that it seems only to be drawing notice now.

Yeah.
Expert on the fandom here.
She knows all about people who like stuff.

So, I've started making a proper effort at getting back into something resembling shape.

Wow.
Is anyone shocked?
Anyone?
No?

I feel shame to admit this, but at the moment, I literally can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes, tops, without something to lean against. I start experiencing pain all over - my back, my abdomen, and my ankle are the worst.

HEH.

It's harder than it should be. And it's sometimes disconcerting. Take standing on tiptoe, a not-at-all weird activity I didn't think twice about before I broke my ankle. On my right foot, which retained all the strength plus some thanks to doing the work of two for several months, it doesn't cause me any issues. I can stand on my toes, even on one foot, until I either overbalance or my calf starts to cramp. (Static muscle work is still static muscle work, after all.) 

Become a teacher.
My entire lower body might as well be made of steel.
And anything above the cock is a wet noodle.
SUCH IS LIFE.
You do a lot of walking in schools.
At least I do.
I always try to be everywhere checking up on shit.
Oh and I hit the beginning of this shit.
Hurray, now we drink.

THIS SUMMER

A BINT NAMED NEMO_R IN
NEM_R' S BLOG
PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
RATED PG-13 FOR GENERAL DOUCHEBAGGERY.

I find the line between meta and literary criticism quite tough.

You think you live on the edge, rookie?
The fine line between justice and crime?
The fine line between order and chaos?
You're nowhere close.
You're scum.
You're a loose cannon.
Now get the fuck out of my office.

I think maybe I tend to include all media (film/tv) criticism because, well, the majority of it is fandom. If you get media/tv crit online, chances are it comes from a fanblog. Because mainstream critics have this snobbish attitude towards caring too much about 'just tv'. You review it and that's that. But books you can critique. Because literature is REAL ART. But with lit crit I feel like it's getting too close to the aca side of acafan, or just too 'mainstream' crit, not fan crit?

What the fuck are you talking about you fucking nutjob?
aca in acafan?
What the fuck?
Here's a post entitled "I think I'm doing fanfic wrong." which is very true.
If you are doing fanfic at all you are, in fact, doing it wrong.

Do you think, if there was an alien invasion, fandom would get online and update people. Like, warn people. "Yes, this shit is going down in my corner of the world as well."

Do you think you'd contact all those random people you have in your gchat contacts who you emailed once when you were 17 and never spoke to again?

I think if my first response is through a fanfiction community we get whatever we have coming to us as a species.
Like yeah.
The military?
Diplomacy?
Other government agencies?
Nah, asleep at the switch.
Dumb twats that overreact to Dr. Who episodes will clearly be on top of any first contact scenarios.

If they looked and sounded human, do you think you'd guess it was an alien invasion as oppose to some sort of spectacularly organised military coup.

I think
someone might notice an alien invasion.
Admittedly humans tend not to see the obvious shit but I suspect an alien invasion would be somewhat noticeable. 

Or IDK, terrorist coup. It's not really terrorist modus operandi, to try and take over the world.

I suspect an alien culture, no matter how humanoid they looked, would still be obvious.
Ignoring the fact they wouldn't speak any known earth language (a big tip off) if you took an iPod to the 1960s no one would know what the fuck.
And that's a product of our own culture.
An alien culture would produce artifacts even more alien than that.

What would be the most efficient way of colonising an entire planet? Take out the military I guess. I mean, setting aside any sort of mind-control equipment because that's cheating. Maybe some sort of subversive behind the scenes replacing of the political leaders would be better?

Any civilization capable of faster than light travel could and would wipe you out before you even knew what was happening.
To think we are worthy of a ground invasion by an alien civilization capable of plying the stars is desperately egotistical. 

OH MY GOD I HATE THE NEW TUMBLR REBLOGGING POST WINDOW THING. SO FUCKING MUCH.

SO MUCH.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE SHITTY INTERNET. WHY WOULD YOU BASE YOUR PLATFORM ON FUCKING FLASH-LIKE AWFULNESS?

LOOK AT YOUR LIFE CHOICES. JUST LOOK AT THEM.

FUCK YOU TOO.

It is 2013.
People are usually ok with Flash.
Time to get with the program.

FANTINE: OH FANTINE. CRYING CRYING CRYING. WHYYYYYYYYY. FANTINE GAVE ME ALL THE FEELS. I WANT HAPPY ENDINGS. MAKE IT HAPPEN. CHANGE IT NOW. IT'S TOO SAD. So I see why fandom would slash the Valjean/Javert. I should be slashing it. Hate ships, cop/con etc. Only... FANTINE/VALJEAN, GIVE ME ALL THE MISSED OPPORTUNITY TRAGIC LOVE. ALL OF IT. OMFG SHE APPEARED TO HIM AS HE WAS DYING. HE CARRIED HER AWAY FROM THE DOCK. THEY WERE SO FUCKING GORGEOUS I CAN'T BREATHE. I'm not even kidding. I walked away from the movie with epic het feels. FAAAAAAANTIIIIIIIIIIIIINE. And Hathaway was great and deserved all the awards and I LOVE HER.

Oh Jesus God why
that is too much out of you on a permanent basis.
But this entry just started so I have to keep going.
I guess this is a space marine's superhuman conditioning.

EPONINE: OH EPONINE. MORE CRYING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU VICTOR HUGO? WHY DO YOU HATE ME? SHE DIED FOR HER LOVE. SHE GAVE HIM THE LETTER. SHE SCREAMED TO SAVE COSETTE AND VALJEAN DESPITE EVERYTHING. SHE'S SO FUCKING TRAGIC I HATE IT ALL.

You saw a movie
called Les Miserables
and wondered why it was sad?
THE MISERABLE.
It's a book
named The Miserable.
And you're wondering why it's sad?
What the fuck did you expect?
Victor Hugo to say "ha, ha, no, just kidding. This one's for you, retarded cunt who can't handle tragedy."
Dumbass..

Between the legal/copyright OTW thing and the objectification/posting pics of actors, thing. It's made me realise. Tumblr fannish culture really is a different animal to LJ/DW fannish culture.

Can't you just like stuff?
Why do you have to like the fans who like stuff?
I love Warhammer.
Cannot stand your typical Warhammer fan.

Or my personal favourite: It's my "time of the month" when I'm "not at my best" because my "vagina is bleeding"

Perhaps the most common theme in blogs.
Telling me all about you being on your period.

Transient fandoms.

I feel like, back in the day it was all monofandoms/long term fandoms: X files or Xena or Buffy or Due South etc. But now, most fans I know are multi-fannish, and, in terms of my approach, I definitely feel the NEW SERIES! lift and the NEW FILM COMING OUT! lift. It's all YAY Star Trek, and then that slumps a bit then YAY XMFC then that slumps then YAY Avengers then that slumps and then OH YEAH STAR TREK AGAIN. 

Lol marketing shit to women.

Reading fic with characters who are teachers. Instead of criticising the writing elements (OOCness or showing/telling etc,) I'm finding fault in their teaching style. (What? No. STOP OVER-EXPLAINING THINGS, MY GOD. JUST SHUT UP AND TEACH THEM.)

This teaching lark has clearly gone too far.

Oh Christ.
Are you in charge of children for 8 hours a day?
I don't think
that's a good idea.

I go round thinking Teen Wolf is this nice but silly wolf show and then it cracks out something utterly, vicious and gruesome and I'm SCARRED I TELL YOU. SCARRED.

SNAKE + EYE = BRAIN SCARRING. NO THANK YOU.

Also Matt's death. Man, that was fucking harsh. Intentionally I'm sure, but still. This show throws serious punches.

Have you ever considered that if there was some great conspiracy theory to control people they wouldn't have to work as hard as crazy conspiracy theorists seem to think they do?
Like false flag operations and putting illuminati symbols in music videos and that crap?
Just put some dumb fucking show on TV and it's literally all people can talk about.
How many blogs have I read exactly like this?
Don't watch TV, people.
Don't let that infest your brain.
I know I play a lot of video games so that seems hypocritical and whatever but seriously look at this garbage.
Here's a review of Prometheus.
A movie that involved H.R. Giger.
That means disturbing imagery and body horror.
This somehow offends our snowflake.
Like what'd you expect would happen?

The sexual imagery seemed a lot more explicit than in the other movies (IT'S A TENTACLE VAGINA. WITH TEETH. AND A PENIS. ALSO THERE ARE PENIS EELS.)

Yeah that's what he does.
It's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
I personally own two books of his art but that's just me.

Not sure about the turning of female-centric mother/daughter creation storylines, into an -- 'ultimately our creators are these 6 foot manly men.' -- (Okay so we don't know they were male, but certainly looked it. Just like we don't know there weren't scores of female dead under the armour - but all we saw was male so that is the message we take away from it.) 

...
He was delusional.
At one point he's asking a writhing alien scorpion penis snake whether he was God.
He was nuts.

And yes, we do get Shaw and her baby drama (body horror y/y?), so the female aspect isn't entirely cut out, but for a franchise that was so focused on female mother/child themes, at least in two out of the four movies, to suddenly have 'THE GUYS WERE THE CREATORS'. It felt a bit off.

>Females are the creators
>alien biology that involves acid spitting aliens eating humans or using their penis tongues to inject eggs into your stomach
Yeah not sure you want this to be some ra-ra feminist moment because the only interpretation I can come away with from this is women want suck the life out of you to have babies.
Anyway I must go
my people need me

Let's do this

IT'S GO TIME.

I've been in an inexplicably bad mood the last few days. Not bitchy or snappy kind of bad mood or even sad and melancholy bad mood. Just sort of half here and half not here kind of bad mood.

The weather took a turn for the gray and cold, I'm sure that has something to do with it. I've also had a small but persistent tooth ache the last few days. I'm sure that also has something to do with it.

There is a small spattering of green pushing through the underbush outside. This is hopeful.

 I copied this around five minutes ago.
Just trying to figure out why I did that or what I could possibly have to say about it.

This will help.

It always helps.

Yeah--
what?

Without the caffeine, a single Excedrin Migraine keeps me awake. It storms outside, beautiful and rolling. A friend on FB linked to a song that reminds me of my relationship with Vada. How beautiful and flawed and failed it was. Not all my fault and certainly not all her fault. Two people, as any relationship is, who steered the wrong course in deep waters. 

DEEEEEEEEEP.

We all have that person. That one that got away. Or maybe not even so much got away but that we know we could have been better for. Regret is a virtue lost on things that can no longer be repaired. It becomes a nostalgic and indulgent thing, without merit. It is also inescapable in those quiet moments that you normally aren't awake for.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

So drunk dude raging in the parking lot this morning. A couple of hours ago a cop pulls up and chats with some other dude cleaning his car. Cop leaves and some chick starts shouting somewhere that she's going to leave and she fucking hates whoever she's yelling at. The two events might not be related.

Sounds like a place I want to live.

I go out for a smoke a few minutes and there's a cop fucking cleaning his rifle at the bottom of the apartment staircase. And then he hauls ass inside, rifle pointed.

Because if you were a cop and entering a place where you thought you needed a rifle
you'd bring it there
and clean it first
so anyone who can shoot you can do so while you're completely defenseless.
Are you sure you saw any of this?

Oh yay, the fun of living in ghetto housing. David and I are moving when our lease comes due next year. I want GTFO of this neighborhood.

My period is on its last unsteady, raving legs. Which is good because we're out of Ibprofen. I'll call around for the Depo shot here in a few hours. Still gonna hurt today but hopefully less than yesterday. The state's sole Planned Parenthood is just a few miles from here. If I can't secure low income Depo shot, I can go there.

I gotta get out of this debilitating pain for three days out of the month thing. People suggest traditional birth control which might make my periods easier. Fuck that - I want my periods gone. I cannot imagine an easier period being actually easier with how violent my body is towards me.

We are only as strong as we are at our weakest.
Which as near as I can tell is an original utterance.
GOOD WORK ME.
I'M THE GREATEST.

Our first spring storm rolled through last night. It was beautiful. And good since my period was hurling me into a truly foul mood. Cassie posted a few pictures on FB, looking ever the more gaunt and pissed off. Clean? Yeah right. That didn't help my mood. Neither did the frustrating kill points in Mass Effect over and over again for three hours.

My drug addicted friend is really weighing on my mind
but not as much as the mind melting difficulty of Mass Effect.

My long nails are making it annoying when I have to stuff my fingers up my hoo-haw to readjust my tampon. That'll be another awesome thing to the Depo. Tampons make me sore as hell. Vaginas were just not designed to have dry wads of synthetic cotton shoved into them. 

... Cut your nails?
What the hell is this Depo anyway?
Is it like a depot?
If so that's where you store stuff.

Thank you guys for the support yesterday. I needed it. I really, really appreciate it. Time, tears, hugs - these are all things I need to give it.

I love you guys.

Icky dreams. Drugs and bugs. Overactive imagination is cursed curse, as usual. 

SHE'S GOT THE COKE BUGS AAAAAAAH

I got the Mass Effect trilogy a couple of days ago. I'll play some of that today. It's my first attempt at a shooter game. Amusing and difficult.

>Mass Effect
>difficult
maybe you're playing a different game than I did.

Eventually I'll play a male Shepard. There are some romance options that are not available for Femshep that I'd like to try out. I would like to see how the gay male Shepard stories in the 3rd game play out, too. Also, I want to play Renegade (or "jerk Shepard") at some point and it seems incongruous to do that with my girl Shepard.

God fuck those games.
They really were the beginning of the end of gaming.

I'm a commitaphobe -
or at least
that's what my boyfriend tells me.

And I don't understand
these other 30 year olds
with wives and two kids
and a three bedroom home
jobs that last all day,
china dinner ware
that matches with a cute little gravy boat,
to be brought out
with every Thanksgiving.

Oh boy.
How much of a mess your life is in poem form.

I don't understand
and my 500 square foot studio
cats and no kids
jobs that come and go
like the wind,
and a house that looks more like a
teenager's bedroom
than any adult's
I've ever seen.

And
he's not ready
anymore than I am
no argument settles that
comfortably and I know
it'll come up again.

He's never been married.

Do you need more than 500 square feet, really?

And I by 27 had
one failed marriage,
one abortion,
two credit cards maxed out
on their personal debt
and almost three decades of learning
that love was just another word
for prison cell bars
wrapped in pretty ribbons-
designed to fool
the most well versed
and underhanded
stage magicians.

Whoaaaaaaa.
The rest of the poem is just fucking whining.
The "27 with a marriage and abortion under my belt" really is the topper.
Ah see you trumped yourself.
Should have ended with that.

I just had a horrible thought. 

WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.

Very uncomfortable dreams about being back in a psych ward.

>back in the psych ward
ahh see this is why I hate autobiographical poetry.
Always leaves out the best details.

It led to me ranting about the elite culture of academic writing - high academic writing. Thesis papers and long-winded philosophical ramblings of ideas that really don't require 1,500 words to convey it. I understand some communities (scientific and medical ones, for examples) are littered with foreign sounding words in just sheer terminology. But for the rest of it, I said, why bother with all those fancy trappings? Just say what you mean and mean what you say.

Writing otherwise doesn't accomplish anything but alienating your readers. It's a ridiculously convoluted way to stroke your ego (and the few egos of those who can wade through such a clinical sounding mess) all without having to admit that you wouldn't know good, clear writing if it bit you in the ass. It's pompous and it's pretentious and it absolutely drives me up the wall.

...
You know she's right.
I don't usually agree with bloggers but she's 100% correct in this case.
Of course she said it about Nietzsche who, as far as philosophers go, isn't that hard to follow but whatever the point stands.

As much as I'd like to lay this at the feet of insecure writers, there is a larger influence at play. "The cult of literature", as David put it - something an old writing teacher of ours brought up. Teachers whom, from the time we are in grade school to grad school, push the idea that the best writing - the classic writing - the GREAT writers - were all long-winded. (I'm thinking of 19th century Russian literature, which I hate, by the way). Kafka. Shakespeare. Nietzsche. And so on and so forth. 

Shakespeare wasn't long winded at all.
Neither was Kafka, actually.
What the fuck are you talking about?

And the dissonance is fantastic. Teachers who claim they want easily understood papers also fail students whom do not meet the arbitrary page limit. In an attempt to navigate this ever changing set of expectations, students load up on theasaures, toss in as many 50 cent words as they can, and become passionate lovers of the semi-colon.

Uhh--
I don't know what kind of writer you are but I managed to get through school--
English teacher school--
without using a semicolon at all.
Man this blog.
It's a really bad idea to post whining all the time.
It's also a really bad idea and also gay to post all this cryptic bullshit and then not expound on it at all.
Furthermore
fuck blogs
and fuck the internet
and fuck the police.

It keeps happening

Dreamwidth is really abusive with this adult content filter trigger warning thing.
Literally every single post.
Why did they think that was a good idea?
Click entry.
Agree I'm still 18+.
Wait for entry to load.
Imagine if you were still on dialup?

This morning, after a great trip to the gym which very much helped with the pain I've been in since Saturday, I was overcome by a wave of sadness. As per my mental health plan I've let my people know and they're supporting me. Behind the cut I'm going to write out what's wrong and see if writing it out equals getting it out. 

I've missed this.
The self indulgent whining.
It was so lacking on Livejournal anymore.

I fucking hate MS. I hate it. I hate that any bit of stress or upheaval or even a fucking cold causes me to have a pseudo-exacerbation. I feel as if I haven't been well since the actual exacerbation I had in August and except for Jen's wedding and a few days before Thanksgiving that's true. I feel like shit all the damn time and I'm sick of it. 

I know. Fuck Microsoft.
What the hell were they thinking with Windows 8?
I like a lot of the background things they did. The way they handle file management now is nice and resembles Office more now so that's cool.
That start bar thing just kills it.
Why click start and go through a drop down menu when you can open a fullscreen display of all your apps in block form that rearranges itself for no clear reason?
Yeah that's easy.

I emailed my MS Nurse yesterday to talk to her about yet another MS symptom. Yes, we'll be treating it, and yes, that's a good thing, but I really did not want to have to take another pill. That'll be 17 per day if you're counting. Once I get onto BG-12 it'll be 19 per day. Maybe we can find a pill that works to manage my fatigue like amantadine didn't and make it an even 20. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Okay I've had enough of this entry.
Moving right along--

The Following: The Curse

That's the name of a TV show.
The Following: The Curse.
The Following: The Curse: The Revenge.
How many more cliches can you tack on?
How awkward a name is that?
The Following The Curse.
How about Curse: The Following?
I mean that's blatantly stupid too but at least you don't have redundancy in your articles.
Maybe the producers were concerned that would sound like an imperative?
Like CURSE THE FOLLOWING?
I dunno.
I can't imagine they thought at all though if they went with a four word title and half of it is the word "the".

I am loving watching everyone fall apart. First Emma and Roderick were battling for power, to be second in command. Jacob is getting some power, way more than he ever had, and he is not pleased with Emma any longer. 

Oh. Apparently the show is just called "The Following".
Starring Kevin Bacon as a vampire.
Wow.
POEM TIME.

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Err, what?
Isn't death kind of the great nothingness?
The great equalizer?
All are and then all are not?
Is that even what happens?
Just you are and then you aren't any more?
I mean probably.
Why does my writing now look like a poem?
I'm not writing a poem, fuck you.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING WRITE THIS.
THIS IS A REAL POEM THEY PUT IN A CANON.
I remember doing that once.
I wrote a poem, read it along 3 other "modern classics" and had an audience identify the one I had written.
Protip: they couldn't fucking do it.
Other fun games you can play with a modern poetry class:
slip in lyrics from Offspring songs into really emo poems that are "oh so deep" written by angry lesbians in the 50s.
Most audiences can't tell the difference.
What else did I do in that class to troll the shit out of people?
Oh we had to read a poem written by an author.
I found a poem entitled "Al Green" and read that.
It was a poem, I'm not joking, about how awesome Al Green is.
That's in a book of poetry.
It even contains the line "Al Green is the motherfucker".
Whenever we did poetry readings my goal was just to read the poem that had the most instances of the word "fuck".
I remember one poem was written by a soldier in Iraq about how he shot the fuck out of some Commies.
That poem was cool.
Then the guy actually came into the class.
That class was pretty neat, actually.
Saying fuck a lot in front of 75 people in an academic setting
trolling snowflakes
whatever, man.

I need a distraction. What do you all have that's funny or awesome? Am I hearing that FOB has a video? What else?

The complete works of Gaius Valerius Catullus.

People say Roman poetry is too high minded and stiff.

I implore you to find a funnier line in poetry than:

Oh what a funny thing, Cato, and a jest,
and worthy of your laughter and ears!
Laugh as much as you love Catullus, Cato:
the thing is funny and very much a joke.
I just caught a little boy thrusting away
into a girl; I banged him, if it please Dione,
with my boner like a spear.

WITH MY BONER

LIKE A SPEAR.

I don't even know what the fuck he's talking about.

YOU MADE FUN OF ME CATO

WELL I'LL SHOW YOU

I'LL FUCK THIS GUY WHILE HE'S FUCKING A CHICK!
Like what's wrong with you, man?

A lot of his poetry reads like that.

Like he's so angry he doesn't even know what the fuck he's saying anymore.

I beg you, my sweet, my Ipsitilla,
my darling, my sophisticated beauty,
summon me to a midday assignation;
and, if you're willing, do me one big favor:
don't let another client shoot the door bolt,
and don't decide to suddenly go cruising,
but stay at home & get yourself all ready
for nine - yes, nine - successive copulations!
Honestly, if you want it, give the order:
I've eaten, and I'm sated, supinated!
My prick is poking through my cloak and tunic.

Here's another one about how a prostitute he knows gives him a huge boner--

There's literally dozens of these poems.

READY YOUR BODY

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO FUCK

NIIIIIINE TIMES!
Just what every woman wants to hear.

Oh right.

Blogs.

Sorry this kind of turned into a case study of a Roman poet.

Much more interesting, honestly.

And finally I've figured out what's been nagging at me all day. I'm considering letting someone back into my life. I suspect that person will not understand the limitations my MS places on me and my relationships. I've actually already had evidence of this. My instincts are telling me this will not work and to back away quickly. But that seems unfair. I'm not particularly asking for advice but I certainly won't turn down any words of wisdom or commiseration.

See what I mean?
What would you rather read?

Spider Stories follows the tale of Princess Zahara who is thrown into hiding after the royal family is overthrown by a corrupt neighboring kingdom. While traveling with a misfit caravan of merchants she meets a wandering drummer griot who introduces her to the spirit world. Armed with a mystical staff, the fearless princess embarks on quest to reconnect with the spirits, reunite her homeland, and reclaim the throne.

We are developing an 11 minute animated pilot for a fantasy adventure series called Spider Stories. Your pledges will go towards funding a team of animators to get it done at a professional level of quality.

Wow

I can pay to have the most cliche story ever turned into an 11 minute animation.

How much money do you need?
SIGN ME UP UH HUH HUH

Is your body ready?
They raised 35,000 dollars.

I've been watching Zero Hour and enjoying it. That sort of Nazi-occult-religious stuff is right up my alley. But, oh my god, could we check our privilege for five seconds? 

CHECK YOUR

FUCKING PRIVILEGE CIS WHINE BAGS

She just unironically used the term "check your privilege"

it fucking happened

I saw it

Our Hero, the White Dude, wants to know if the Elderly Indian Female Mystic has a birthmark. Instead of asking her, he licks his finger and wipes make up off her face. Are you fucking kidding me? Her body is not yours, asshole! She's a fucking person. You wiped your spit on her!

It's a TV show, dipshit.

I'm sure the creators aren't telling you to spit on old Indian women as white men.

My stepmother continued to post in the same vein all day. I deleted her posts, unfriended her, and blocked her. I can't have her in my life.

I didn't realize how much this would trigger me. My jaw aches so much right now from clenching it all day. I feel safe again now that I know she can't get to me that way.

I'm so grateful for the people who talked me through all this today.

TRIGGER WARNING: STEP MOM

I remembered what I wanted to talk about. Aubagio's drug clearance is two years. That means it's inside you for two years after you stop taking it. Dr. Neuro says the procedure to clear it from your body is horrible and she isn't actually sure the human body can tolerate it. There are big deal warnings about getting pregnant while taking Aubagio. She strongly warned me about this. 

"Oh okay thanks doc"

END OF DISCUSSION.

I told her I've been married for 23 years and have not had children because it was decided before marriage that we did not want them. (I've never wanted children, I've always wanted to be an aunt and a mentor. This goes back to my childhood while playing with baby dolls. I was never the mother.) And I flat out told her that if I were to become pregnant I would abort, Aubagio or no.

"Oh wow two years, huh. I'll be sure not to get knocked up."

And she said "you might change your mind once you're pregnant."

Well, I suppose I might. I'm sure there's some tiny percentage that says I might. But I think my desire to not ever raise a child is pretty clear. Since I've become ill with MS I've several times said I'm thankful I'd always felt this way because as of right now I could not raise a child. (Also, I am 44 years old. I'm getting a bit on in years for this am I not? If I wanted a baby now I'd likely be concentrating on that.)

This bothers me. This is the typical stuff I hear all the time from people. Why can no one respect my decision?

JUST SAY OKAY AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE
JESUS CHRIST.

LAST TIME I WENT TO THE DOCTOR HE WANTED TO FEEL MY BALLS

AND I LET HIM
AND I'M NOT WHINING ABOUT IT.

Checking for a hernia, right.

I didn't know how much my job hinged on me allowing a physical, though, so I went for it.

Short-tempered today. Woke up ill in the night. Managed to not yell at someone on FB but it was a near thing.

(Don't follow the news. Don't google when you have a question. No, don't do any of that. Just complain about how They are taking All Your Stuff. Them. With their Free Ride.)

See? A very near thing.

If any of you giga queers has pyerite in EVE Online deliver it to Hostni VII, Moon 18- DED Assembly Plant and I'll pay you in GOOOOLD.

I'm making rockets.

Mjolnir High Precision Heavy Rockets.

Tight profit margins but I feel it'll be worth it in June.

Oh Jesus she even has something called a snowflake challenge.

I DEFY YOU TO BE MORE OF A TWAT.

snowflake_challenge Day 9: In your own space, create a fanwork. A drabble, a ficlet, a podfic, or an icon, art or meta or a rec list. A picspam. Something. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Not gonna happen.

SNOWFLAKE CHALLENGE

HOW SPECIAL ARE YOU?

Oh forget it.

I'm gonna go space mine.

Wooooooooow

Dreamwidth forces you to agree you're 18 or older before every single post if the person set the parental advisory tag.
WERE YOU OVER 18 FIVE SECONDS AGO?
TOUGH SHIT, BETTER CHECK AGAIN!
And all for what?
Bad words that no one on these fucking blogs ever seems to use?
Nudity that I'm confident in saying has never happened on Dreamwidth or Livejournal?
Anyway, welcome to Katherine's journal.

Dear Internet, I am really not on you much right now. I thought after the market I'd be able to catch up online and rest but we have commissions. Ruth's working on a big hoody commission so I'm doing the smaller stuff. I have a rather complicated embroidery project, two Jayne Cobb hats and four pairs of gloves. I'm not getting time to read fic and I haven't been on Tumblr or in chat or read my friends lists in days.

If you want to get in touch with me I'm keeping up with my email (kath.ballantyne at gmail dot com) and mostly with Twitter too though I tend to just catch up when I have gone to bed at night so I'm usually 12 hours behind.

HOLY SHIT
HAD TO BE 18+ TO READ THAT INTENSE SHIT.
How is it I can  march into the bookstore and buy Neuromancer, a book that's quite literally about sex drugs and meddling in God's domain (3 things 'Murikans hate) and no one says word one and yet this blog has a warning sticker?

Today was busy but good. Sold some stuff, talked to lots of people and got a fair bit of spinning done (as in spinning yarn on a spinning wheel, not round in circles).

18+ people.
I do a lot of weaving in EVE Online.
That is, weaving peoples' fates.
To their inevitable ill conclusion.
Hahaha it just occurs to me that her banner on this blog is her fan drawings of various male characters naked and kissing.
Guess that's why this shit is 18+--
oh but I saw that without warning.
Thanks a lot.
That banner kind of gives new meaning to the post "handmade stuff " when you add "you must be 18 or older to read this".
Not sure I want to see your handmade stuff.
Except it's just a bunch of doodles of puppies.
18 PLUUUUUUUUUUUUUS.
A drawing of two hideously malformed women kissing naked in bed--

Poll on Mudgee Guardian: Should mobility scooter users be registered or undergo training? This made me angry. And the stupid comments left by two people made me even more angry. At least there was one decent comment there. 

Should mobility scooter users have to be registered or undergo training?
For what?
That deadly vehicle that can't even go running speed?
I mean every single person I've ever encountered on one has been a complete asshole on it but I'm sure that doesn't mean they should register the fucking thing.
Sounds like an excuse to collect more tax revenue to me.

You are talking about placing more restrictions on people who can not get out without these devices. It is already limited to people who can afford the incredibly expensive scooters. How about we make our streets and shops more accessible for people who need assistive devices. I think that would cut down on the majority of problems.  

Assistive isn't a word I've decided.
The word is and always will be adaptive.
Assistive just sounds like a made up word I'd encounter in pussy sensitivity.

There is a massive stigma involved in using mobility devices, canes, walkers, wheelchairs, scooters. This is only made worse by media painting people who use them as 'other' as 'dangerous' as something that is a threat to able bodied people who are put across as having more right to use public spaces. 

Fuck you I've never seen an old man walking with a cane that wasn't the coolest motherfucker ever.
He probably has a sword in it and everything.

This is the comment that bothered me most.

    A number of times I have witnesed situations where mobility scooters have narrowly avoided colliding with shoppers exiting stores, pedestrians sensibly conducting their business and waitresses delivering coffee to patrons seated outside. Unfortunately, the riders of the mobility scooters are, in many cases, unaware that they are the problem.I haven't yet seen one rider concerned, let alone apologetic, for the number of serious incidents narrowly avoided. Most of them are, for one reason or another, blissfully unaware that there is a problem and that they are guilty of travelling too fast on pedetrian thoroughfares.

I know what you mean, brother.
It's like they're aware of two speeds: stop and maximum rabbit speed.
It's fucking downtown Greensboro. There isn't a ton of room to maneuver.

If scooters have narrowly missed avoiding colliding with shoppers exiting stores, pedestrians sensibly conducting their business (because people with mobility issues aren't being sensible??) and waitresses delivering coffee then I say good on them! They have managed not to hit people while they are navigating around an environment where they were not even considered when it was planned.

It's a fucking straight road with no obstacles in your way.
How in the fuck is this not engineered for you?
This is engineered for anything that can move.

In Russia politicians overwhelmingly backed a bill that would ban the “propaganda of sodomy, lesbianism, bisexuality and transgenderism.”
Russia’s Duma, their lower house of parliament, voted an overwhelming 388 to 1 for the law that makes public events and the dissemination of information on the LGBT community to minors punishable by fines of up to $15,500. Similar laws have been passed in 9 of the 83 regions including St. Petersburg.

Livejournal, defender and furious masturbator of all things LGBT and dominated mostly by Russians is now in serious trouble.

That is the common opinion of this ruling among bloggers, too.

Can't help but think this is going to make a difference to how LJ runs.
I'm sure they'll continue being special snowflakes.
50 posts where she's bitching about the heat (she lives in Australia, it's probably never not hot where she lives)--
Here are 10 things to NEVER say to people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
That's a thing.

1. “I get tired too.”

The ridiculous moniker hung long ago upon this debilitating disease continues to throttle us. “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome”. Its name is all about being tired.

Oh shit I'm sorry I forgot the primary symptom of special snowflake syndrome is it's impossible for anyone to attempt to empathize because no one has ever felt this way before in the history of the world except the snowflake.

5. “It can’t be that bad.”

This is so demeaning. So trivializing. So obviously a way of brushing aside our condition. The person speaking these words isn’t interested in us.They don’t want to be inconvenienced by even acknowledging that we might be suffering. So they just tell us, we’re not.

I mean have you ever really thought about whatever shit you were going through?

Usually I conclude it's not as bad as all that.

8. “If you prayed more you wouldn’t be sick.”

This one is a double-whammy. Not only is there no milk of human kindness being expressed over the fact that we’re sick. We’re also unspiritual, or selfish, or ungodly.

Prayer cures all ills.
I know this because the average life expectancy went up when Rome collapsed.

Got up at midday yesterday, got breakfast and then went out shopping.

God I got up at noon, too.
Man I already miss it.

Exhausting drive followed by exhausting shop and then the drive again. Same every week but so much more difficult when it's hot. Breathing and energy just fuck off in the heat and the brain fog is worse.
Wore long sleeves, jeans, sunglasses and a big floppy hat but still came home feeling so drained and sick like I do from sun.

Ever consider wearing long sleeves in the sweltering Australian sun might be some of your problem?
In this post (18+ of course) she's whining about the new Livejournal beta page.
Which was fucking wonderful let me tell you but not for the reason she states.

My internet does not run fast enough for it. I can't do pages with lots of java script. They just don't work. 

>Javascript not loading
>internet is at fault
No pretty sure you just have too many toolbars installed.
Unless you're playing Farmville.
Then it might be their coding.

I can't do Infinite scrolling. It wont load. Half the time I have to refresh just to get LJ to load far enough that I can click next page. I can't load tumblr much at all. I get the Load More Pages thing and click on it and it times out. And if something goes wrong or my hand twitches and I close the tab (OMG the amount of times this happens >_<) then at least I will still be on the page of my friends list that I was on before but with infinite scrolling it just goes back to the start. It's usually when I totally give up on tumblr.
I can't read tiny text and while I can zoom in with CRT + I would have trouble reading that font.
I also can't deal with that much white screen. I just can't. It gives me migraines. I can't read black text when it's in a screen full of glow. I can hardly even see that there is font there.

Jesus Christ just give up on it, then.
Clearly computing is not cut out for you.
Font is too small
but if I zoom in it's too big :(((((((
now you're just fucking whining.
I've met people who were literally blind that manage to use a computer. What's your problem, again?
Anyway I got Warhams to work on and vidya gayms to play and DVDs to watch--
basically I got better things to do.

Fug :DDDDDD

Dreamwidth. Day 2.
After the fall.

I cannot tell you how many times I have asked this question to folks on the pro-SSM side:

SSM.
Anyone?
FUCKING
ANYONE?
 I feel like the entire world is warping into the Warhammer boards.
YEAH GOTTA GET YOUR EMS ON YOUR FP SO YOUR DE CAN CHARGE YOUR OPPONENT'S CSM SQUAD--
Fuck off and spell your words all of you.
You can't put an Eldar Missile Launcher on a Fire Prism either so whatever.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
HELP ME.

If the meaning of marriage is changed from what it has always been - one man/one woman - and opened to mean in practicality, "anything you choose", then upon what basis could we deny marriage to any combination of persons who demands it? 

Oh.
Same Sex Marriage.
Jesus Christ.
Also it's refreshing to see someone on the opposite side of the fence for once.
Usually everyone is so free and gay.
Nice to see someone taking a different stance in an issue that isn't really any of their fucking business.
Everyone mind your own goddamn business.
Also here's how we deny it:
when it either involves parties that cannot consent or when it begins to harm genetic diversity.
Slippery slope arguments will never work.
TWO MEN GETTING MARRIED!?
WHAT NEXT?
No that's it.
The line stops there.

The answer, of course, is WE CAN'T.

I have never once had an answer to this question. Ever. If there is any response at all, it's just yelling about how there is no slippery slope argument to be made when it comes to this issue and that we're just crazy for making it. (In addition to being "haters" and bigots for denying people who love each other to express that love how they choose.)

I mean if 5 guys want to get married I'm ok with that too.
Any number and combination of consenting adults doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My response to the 'There is no slippery slope' is, ORLY?

Here you go. Here's a consensual relationship. If they wanted "marriage" or at least to be left alone to continue the relationship if they choose, tell me upon what basis they should be denied this so-called civil right?

And if you do think they should be denied marriage (if they did ask for it) then explain to me why you are such a hater and a bigot and a.... a... an incest-a-phobe.

I'm waiting.

At no point did anyone okay incest.
The common argument against incest is it harms genetic diversity and might make retard babies but you people can't possibly get any dumber than you already are so you might as well.
I mean I don't know how you can be against gay people.
The lead singer of Judas Priest is gay and you wish you could be half as hair metal (gay) as he is.

Are you kidding me?! $219 to get my stupid taxes done at H&R Block?

I mean it was a huge pain in the ass and took about an hour to do mine but I was done and it didn't cost me 219 bucks.
If you're bitching about 219 dollars I think it's safe to assume you probably can't afford that much and should therefore bite the bullet and do it yourself.

Wow, yesterday had to be one of the most bizarre Good Fridays I've ever had.

The service went well. It was quiet and somber and we also had Communion. No problems there. But for some reason, afterward everyone wanted to go out to eat. (I have been trying to fast on Good Fridays for the last few years, at least part of the day.) It wouldn't have been so bad if it had been a small group and we'd gone somewhere relatively quiet where we could reflect and have meaningful conversations. But somehow it ended up being a HUGE group and we ended up going to a bar, of all places! 

:V
That's where the devil lives!

It was loud, it was annoying with basketball games on the multiple TVs and everyone was acting like it was just another fun Friday night. I couldn't believe it. I was very disappointed. How can you walk out of church and then switch over so fast to this sort of thing? Don't get me wrong, it's not like anything inappropriate was going on. It was just a good time. And that would have been fine, on any other day. But not on this day. Not for me. 

She posts on Dreamwidth.
No fun allowed ever.

I am so sick and tired of homosexuals behaving like victims, whining about their lack of rights, claiming to be bullied at a greater level than anyone else might be bullied, and all the rest! The truth is that we're talking about the most protected class of people in the country! (Second only to Muslims, it would seem.)

Yes.
Truly the gays are our most protected group.
I'm going to be honest. I always find it hilarious when Christians, by far the most protected group in the US and the majority, bitch about being the minority or someone else having rights.
I'm sure they'd argue they're not protected but then again they seem to think their rights extend into the realm of policing others so whatever.

If you don't believe me, try an experiment. Go to any YouTube video, blog post, or comment section of any article that is speaking positively about SSM or anything else pertaining to homosexuality. Very politely express disagreement with what  has been said. It can be as generic as simply saying, "I disagree with this view."  

The internet automatically doesn't matter because everyone here is so fucking offended by everything it isn't even worth not trying to be offensive.
Just go for the gold.
You included.
You're every bit as bad as they are.

Then just wait. In a few moments you will be FLOODED with people screeching at you. They will call you a "hater" (such a silly and childish word!), a bigot, a bully. They will swear at you and say the most vulgar things. Quite often, they will tell you to die.

I dare you to try this. 

You dare me?
Like what, I'm running some sort of risk by doing this?
Fuck you I do this constantly.
Self righteous whore.
Here's an article she links entitled "18 reasons you're still unemployed"
except I'm not unemployed--
so I don't know.
Maybe it's not directed at me.
But it says "you" so I guess it is?
I was unemployed for a period.
Maybe it's referring to then?

This entire series has been fantastic, but this portion is making me burn with fury.

I have come to absolutely loathe this wicked ideology. It offers NOTHING positive to anyone. All it does is enslave those who follow it and bring death and misery to those who refuse.

Islam.
She's referring to Islam.
That's kinda funny, when you think about it.
MY DEATH CULT IS THE REAL ONE
YOUUUURS JUST MAKES PEOPLE MISERABLE.

That'll be the day, when I bow to this demonic blood cult and pay its followers money to allow me to live.

>Blood cult
>yours involves you drinking "the blood of Christ" which some of you believe literally becomes blood when you drink it
yeah okay.
People in glass houses I guess.
Remember in FFXIV when the thaumaturge guild was like this creepy blood cult?
Then they totally changed the feeling of the entire class to be generic black mage with lightning magic?
That was my favorite class.
Fuck video games too.

I doubt anyone's reading my LJ anymore, but I'll x-post it there just in case.

HEH.
This blog is named "Veritas Poet" and I can't shake the feeling I've already reviewed this blog.
There's that article about being unemployed again.
And she's still mad at it.
Stop posting it if it makes you that upset.

Computer showed black screen/no memory error last night. Freaked me out just as I was going to bed at 10:30. Rebooted and it seemed okay, but I wanted to put stuff on my  old flash drive. Of course couldn't find it, ended up having to rush to the store this morning for another one. Thankfully, backup is done. 

Well it could be the RAM going bad or the motherboard going bad--
It'd be easy to check the RAM and replace it if that's the case.
What do you want to be she didn't do that and just bought a whole new computer?

The death of Andrew Breitbart shredded me. 

Poor Andrew Breitbart.
Wait, who?
Let's see--
Some sort of conservative shill, it looks like.
Fair enough.

 Did you know Jesus says it's okay to call yourself a follower of His and still live openly with your lesbian lover? I didn't either, until I read this!

Yeah, man.
Jesus was hardcore intolerant.
Why just read all this textual evidence I have to support this stance:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

And:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

And:

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins

I'm sure Jesus, based on this evidence, would be violently opposed to gays as followers.
Also didn't he hang out with whores and lepers?
CLEARLY A MAN THAT ONLY PREACHED TO THE CHOIR.
In one post she manages to praise a book called "American Sniper: The Autobiography of the Most Lethal Sniper in U.S. Military History" which sounds fucking rad while simultaneously calling Muhammad violent and against Jesus.
Like all right but--
you know.
How do you miss the point of your own religion this hard?
Isn't it about tolerance and forgiveness?
How are the least tolerant and forgiving people routinely part of it?
American Sniper: okay because he's following AMERICA and therefore JESUS
Mohammad though is EVIL because he's one of THEM MUSLAMS.
Can't they both be kinda both?
Like I'm sure Muhammad did something okay.
I don't know what but I'm sure he loved his mom or took care of a sick puppy once or something.
And I'm sure that American sniper guy might be a bit of an asshole.
You know life isn't really that cut and dry. You can't divide people up into "following God [good]" versus "not following God [bad]".
Basically what I'm trying to say is everyone is at least a little bit of an asshole.
Especially this blogger, holy shit.
She's giving Dreamwidth a bad second impression!

War.

War never changes.
All right comrades we're moving to a new battlefront.
A hoary veteran of the blog front like me just doesn't belong on the home front.
WELCOME...
TO DREAMWIDTH!
I know Livejournal has been bitching/praising/whatever this website since the start but I just couldn't give enough of a shit to investigate.
Well between battling this guy on the EVE Online market (and by "battling" I mean adjusting my price by one penny every time he lowers his price by a penny so I stay on top of the "lowest price" index) and feeling the life ebb from me I decided to check it out.
You'd think selling a cynosural field generator in the middle of fuck nowhere wouldn't be such a struggle but it is.
Imagine opening an orange stand in the middle of Nebraska in February only to find out there was an orange stand coincidentally right across the same stretch of road.
That's kind of what I'm dealing with.

 I actually have everything out for the German Underdress I was going to make for this weekend; however, I'm not going to Coronation. I really REALLY wish I could but I calculated out the costs and $400 (gas, hotel, and the site fee plus food) for a couple of days really just isn't in the budget right now. 

400 dollars.
I mean goddamn.
Who has that kind of money just sitting around?

Although I've pretty much given up on the Belle German Gown, I will work on the underdress for it since it will work for any future Saxon outfit. I'm not happy about it but I need to be practical right now. I hate being practical. :-p

This is a hobby a lot of people seem to have in the blogging world.
Historical dress recreation.

My Dad and I had a very interesting conversation the other day that involved costuming and Hollywood that I thought the rest of you might like/want to comment on: Dad has noticed that the use of color in movies has changed drastically with the advent of digital filming. As he points out, most movies in the past ten years have a "gray scale" rather than the vivid colors we see in the old Technicolor movies, such as the Wizard of Oz.

I appreciate a restrained color palette myself.
I think it gives more of a vision to the frame.

He was curious as to why many directors seem to have forgotten the importance of color in storytelling with only a very even thinking about the color palette for costuming. I pointed out that Marie Antoinette certainly used the colors of the costumes and props to further the story (despite my not liking the movie. I know. I'm the only one.) Dad hasn't seen it (I told him to put it on mute and just listen to 80's music while watching it) but found the concept interesting.

So, can y'all think of any movies this century that use color, particularly in the costuming, to help tell the story?

Sin City comes to mind.
Also wouldn't limiting your color selection be as much thought as using a fucking rainbow diarrhea explosion of color?
Like at some point someone has to say "and fuck red for this movie" or something.
Oh, also: Hero.
That was another movie where color figured heavily into the story.
Although quite what it represented symbolically I'm still not sure.
At first I thought they were going for a "four seasons" motif until we hit winter because it was supposed to metaphorically represent this guy's life but then we went to blue and white so fuck if I know.
Guess they just did it because it looked cool.
And I know white symbolizes death in a lot of Asian cultures. I'm not an idiot but when Jet Li's character finally got pin cushioned by arrows he was wearing black so go figure that out.
Great movie though.
Recommend it wholeheartedly.

When I made the purple wool thread with a hand spindle, it took two freakin' years! (Of course, it wasn't all at once. I'd do a small bit, get bored, leave the spindle for a week or so, and get back to it but it took forever!) This white yarn I just made that is slightly too thick for crewel thread? Two hours. I like the spinning wheel.

I won't be impressed until you're actually shearing sheep you raise for their wool. 

Yes, m'dear. I understand how to search. Yes, I know sellers are no longer allowed to use certain characters in their titles - that's not the issue. The issue is that the * wildcard for Boolean searches -something that has pretty much been around since ya know, the internet- doesn't work anymore and I want to know why. Yes, m'dear. I know. If you put in strawberr* into the search bar items will come up - that doesn't mean it works. 

I don't know what world you live in where that doesn't work.
Or where you have to regularly do that.
Most search engines are sophisticated enough for you to be able to put 14 Qs and an X in your word and it'll still figure it out.

Rather, look at the search results, see? It ignored the * and looked for strawberr of which, for some odd reason, there are 53 items on ebay with that very not-word in the title. I realize by using words like Boolean I've probably confused you -

You know for someone that can't work a Boolean operator you sure are patronizing.

I used to be able to do Boolean searches using the wildcard *. It helped a lot and I'm highly disappointed to see it gone. Now, rather than simply searching for "strawberr*" to get both strawberries and strawberry, I need to conduct two separate searches to find the same item. Unfortunately, people do not think a like so a strawberry print pillow case could be either strawberries pillow case or strawberry pillow case.

I think 99% of people would say "strawberry pillowcase".
Also note pillowcase is one word.
That might also be some of your problem.
Also holy God you have to do two searches?
Jesus fuck the lord Christ two internet searches?
Yeah 30 years ago you'd have to go to garage sales until someone just happened to be selling whatever kinky bondage shit you freaks buy.

I doubt they'll listen but if you want to complain as well, at the bottom of every ebay page, there is a "Tell us what you think" link. Click it. Complain. I've been mad at them since they "hid" buyers names (um, how am I to know I'm not bidding against a friend or a museum or a horrible reseller that takes apart gowns just to sell the trim?) but I think I'm at the point where, the vast majority of my shopping might head over to etsy and artfire.

Bidding against a friend?
In the history of eBay has that ever happened?
Also not bidding against a museum?
Are you seriously that much of a putz you wouldn't bid against a museum?
Christ in EVE Online I'll bid more than I intend to if I know I'm bidding against someone I know.
Fierce competition keeps us all sharp, you know.
IN EVE ONLINE WE ARE ALL FORGED IN THE FIRES OF WAR.

 I actually finished my steampunk outfit for later today yesterday. :-) 

I know I've shit on steampunk a lot (in fact it's all I've ever done when commenting on steampunk) but can I take a moment to say how grateful I am to steampunk?

Thank you so much for attracting all the women so they'll leave the one true literary genre, cyberpunk, alone.

Rather than working on anything I *should* be working on, I wanted to work on making an 18th C hat. I haven't actually made one before -

Can you believe in the year 2013 the most advanced form of body armor is layers of ballistic weave and rigid ceramic plates over top?
It doesn't even look cool.
Not even one suit of power armor.
Oh sure there's a power exoskeleton that almost works in some limited situations but not a single suit of power armor.
Instead the company that seems to be the closest company to what I envision for the future is wasting all their time on this creepy looking motherfuck.
I know that's from 2008 but in 5 years it has just gotten a lot bigger and can now stop itself from falling over.
It looks really creepy when it's stumbling, incidentally.
It still makes that horrible whining noise, though.
They intend to use this thing to transport materials over terrain where a truck wouldn't work.
I think the insurgency might hear you coming.
I know this has nothing to do with this blog but frankly I don't care about Elizabethan dresses.
... Not sure why I felt the need to qualify that.
It was probably taken for granted that I don't care about Elizabethan dresses.

I'm entering a photo contest at work. Basically, anyone that works for our company can enter their photos to be displayed in our Maryland offices. I've never been to the new Maryland offices (I think they are just across the very busy street from where I really work but I'm not sure) but it still would be cool to say my photos are being displayed somewhere. I've entered about 8 photographs so far but if there is one in my flickr album that anyone really likes and thinks I should submit, please, let me know!

I went to Hobby Lobby Friday after work to get some fleece for the middle child and baby's Halloween outfits.

Maryland has Hobby Lobbies now?
TRULY THESE ARE BLACK TIMES.

I got Mom the American Duchess Astoria shoes in black a few months ago when American Duchess had some irregulars on sale. Mom had mentioned that she liked those in particular and I knew that, at least with that style, she could wear them to work or to other functions and not just as historical wear. She LOVES the shoes. Thank goodness they fit! (Pictures later)

You will doubtless be disappointed to learn there are no pictures.
Sorry foot fetishists~

Should you ever have the issue where you want to upload a movie on iTunes to your iPod and, for some reason, can't; just go update Quicktime. Eject your iPod, shut down iTunes, make sure Quicktime is running smoothly and the movie will, most likely, upload to your iPod. This will save a couple of days worth of frustration after getting those "Movie" is not compatible with "Your iPod" iPod device errors.

Or you could manually convert and dump it straight into the hidden "movies" directory on your iPod.
That's what I did the one time I wanted video on my iPod.
Quicktime was, is and will always be a piece of shit.

I am greatly displeased that the gray Hello Kitty "I'm posting this!" t-shirt did not come in my size. They only had small and medium but it was Asian small and medium which doesn't quite work with my proportions.

Yes.
Her proportions.
Because Asian girls are small chested, typically, and she's buxom.
Not a fatass, okay.

Mom and Debbie (my cousin/aka "West Coat Mom") are going to the Garment/Fabric district in L.A. this Saturday to buy me silk. They would like to know if there is any specific stores they should try for my silk taffeta and silk dupioni. 

Reminds me of a weird period in FFXIV where I was one of about 10 people that could successfully dye linen.
Those were busy and lucrative days.

An 18th Century Italian figurine wearing what looks to be a Turkish style coat with some 18th Century "peasant" elements beneath it. Very cool! (And helpful for those doing 18th C Turkish Outfits. ;-) )

All none of you.

This is an English question that has been bugging me for some time. I know the rule of thumb is that if the word begins with a vowel, then you use "an". However, if the word begins with a consonant, you use "a". Hence, you get, "an apple" or "a grape". 

That's not really how the rule works but okay.
If the consonant is silent (as in the American pronunciation of "herb" or something) then it's still "an herb".
The rule is more about the first vocalized sound.

Now, there are two words I can think of off the top of my head that do not follow this rule. Hour is certainly one since, although "h" is a consonant, it is also silent so we say "an hour". I get that one. The one I do not get is USB. 

First, USB isn't a word. It's an acronym. It stands for "universal service bus". Second, you don't say "oosbuh" or something. You say "yoo-ess-bee" in which case the first sound is a y sound which isn't a vowel in this case.
So the answer is "a USB."

I saw it written the other day as "a USB" and realized that that is how it's said but I'm not sure why. Is it because it is an acronym? Does anyone know the answer or hazard a guess?

I mean I'm not giving you shit because you're trying to learn but this is really kind of elementary to figure out.

I have some sort of stupid head cold today. Grr. I'm taking something for it but I had to come home and crash for five hours.

I have cold now.
Can you believe that shit?
Fucking
the flu
and a cold in the same year.
Bullshit I tell you.
Anyway I'm going fuck it.

Space Mining

These ores won't put themselves in my cargo bays.

Not sure if I'm ready to come clean yet.

This is a man, incidentally.
LET THAT BE KNOWN.

At Mom's, with dog. Nice hot day outside. Alone for the moment, though the dog occasionally recovers from being furry in the sun long enough to plop a ball at my feet.

Not sure what there is to write about. The iPhone my sister sent me is being jailbroken by my good roommate for a little over half the price I was going to pay. And unlocked, hopefully. Which means I'll be able to use it soon, for a variety of things!

Lol paying to do something you should do yourself.
It's literally downloading a program, plugging your iPhone into your computer, running it, running an app on your iPhone, then waiting.

Feel compelled to read the iPhone warranty, though I'm sure it's all things I already know. Feels like good practice to get into. Sometimes you skip past the warranty, saying to yourself over and over, "I don't want to read this shit, all I want to do is play games and enjoy on my own terms." It's not like playing a game is a foreign act, and the internet coda is already ingrained in a person like me. Respect other people, don't be a dick, don't take anything that isn't yours. So far as I'm sure.

Errr, what?
Are you reading the iPhone warranty hoping it'll contain such universal wisdom as "don't be a dick"?
I'm pretty sure it's legal terms and stuff.

No major fights yet, but the three day mark has passed. Time for work, though hopefully I won't make too much of an ass out of myself. Seem to be expressing a kind of a--

Music track changed, lost my train of thought. Stand by.

EDITING & YOU.

Seem to be expressing a kind of autistic language through my characters as of late. My world of RP's become indecisive. Can't decide where I stand with MMOs and the Secret World, how much I want to commit.

The Secret World.
AKA 20 bucks I will never get back.
That is 20 Hershey Bars I am not going to be eating.
It was an MMO that touted itself as being completely different.
It took place in the modern day, dealt with cults and shit--
and yet it forgot to actually be different in all that.
Typical grinding MMO yet now I'm clicking on a guy once to shoot instead of clicking on a guy once to swing sword.
Whoaaaaa

Want to get back into panfandom on Dreamwidth, but there's a whole lot of baggage there, just as there's a whole bunch of memories. That and I seem oddly reticent to write applications. When did I start resisting this so much? I used to commit to characters like nothing, write up an app in a day and send it out even if the game was fated to die a day later. Seems like I'm resisting a whole bunch of work. Need to find a way of working through that stuff. I mean, considering that this is stuff I want to DO, I don't see what the problem is, really.

Yeah--
Faggot.

You know. I wouldn't mind so much having another roommate or two if they weren't men. Or in this case, boys.

WOULDN'T MIND INFINITE ROOMMATES IF THEY WERE SEXY LADIES says every guy on Livejournal ever.
Just kidding all guys with blogs are gay.

I like women. Hell, I have this deep, Yeats-like, unrequited love for them, but that sort of affection isn't relevant to this kind of conversation. I like women and I respect women, and I make an effort to make myself agreeable to them. And I think for the most part, I'm one of the few men in the world that isn't waging a battle against the opposite sex.

AKA I'm a total puss.

Maybe it's terribly naive to think I could pull it off, but living with another woman, not necessarily my girlfriend but just another person? Might not be so bad. It'd mean less slovenlyness on my part, most likely. I wouldn't wander the house in my boxer shorts. I'd look presentable if only to give credit to my upbringing. It'd be nice to have an excuse to take better care of myself, and my appearance.

Why do you need an excuse, m8?
If you want to do that shit just do it.
You don't need some slut to compel you
GROW SOME BALLS
GET SOME FIRE IN YOUR BELLY
GET FUCKING ANGRY FOR ONCE

FYI, I'm shaving my head on April 3rd. For reasons.

FOR REASONS HURRR I'M SO DEEP
Man I told my EVE Online group why I was leaving them for a different one.
That's a fucking video game, man.
You gotta do better than "reasons".
"You guys suck and don't do anything and I don't know why you split into a PVE and PVP corp when there are like 15 people in this corporation in the first place so bye" was my reasoning to them.

I miss the goddamn cord to my goddamn headphones. I need music. I need it.

It costs $15 plus shipping, or plus the ferry ticket to Vancouver to get to the Bose store. Ugh.

I hate how coffee makes me feel. It's energy without enthusiasm. It's tiredness while moving. It makes me feel like an animated corpse. 

So buy the cord.
So don't drink coffee.
YOUR PROBLEMS
HAVE READY SOLUTIONS.

Missed it. Missed everything today.

Missed the deadline. Missed the post office (closed on weekends), won't be able to send the comic book family wanted me to send. Missed the talk about game's journalism among all the other events happening today at the Games without Fontiers thing. Missed Matt's play. Missed the swimming pool. That's what happens when you wake up at 11:00 and spend the whole morning/afternoon in, walking around being a complete basketcase.

Walked around school, counseling building, closed. Not open on weekends, maybe. Everything's closed after 5:00, which is when I got here. Nothing's open.

Do you live in North Carolina?
When I never ventured outside my house this wasn't a problem but now that I do I quickly learned nothing is open ever.

Walked around school, counseling building, closed. Not open on weekends, maybe. Everything's closed after 5:00, which is when I got here. Nothing's open.

Talking to myself. Hurting myself with my own words, conversation with self turning violent. Wanting to hit a wall, or hurt myself. When I realized I missed everything I wanted to do today, I wanted to take the book in my hands and hit it against a wall. But I didn't have the energy. So now it's just self-hatred, bubbling up from my own lips.

You're a cheeky kunt m8

I need help. I need to talk to people. I need to keep exercising my body so there isn't all this pent-up aggression.

But that's not going to happen, because I've fallen into a loop that I can't climb out from. And it's a loop that's going to kill me.

Maybe I was wrong. It's just getting worse. It's my own bad decisions that have gotten here, my own stupid pride. I keep going back on the verge of self-harm.

Nothing sticks.

Woe betides me I guess.
These new guys are offering to move all my assets to a new location.
I'm sure just handing them a 1/8th increase to their corporation assets won't mean some of mine magically disappear in the move.

I think I'll tell them I have no assets that aren't liquid and therefore always with me.
I don't want anyone worrying about me.

That's why I don't like asking for help. Even if I need it. People who know me, know that.

LOADS OF MINERALS.
Maybe I should liquidate them.
Just move my blueprints.
I'll hang onto it all until I'm sure they're not twats though.

On my worst days, I try to protect other people from myself. I tell them that things are okay. I convince myself.

But I'm kidding, really. Telling lies, which I hate. It just twists things when I do. And I know: Things won't be okay until I start making goals for myself again. Things won't be okay until I stop hiding behind excuses and make myself into someone who wants to be here.

I just didn't want anyone to be disappointed, or worried about me. There's still time to fix things, isn't there? Isn't there still time? Always waiting till the deadline to get my act together, and when there's no deadline, I fall behind.

My mind has desperately been looking for role models,

You're in college.
Role models?
Really bro?
If you need one at the age of 20 or whatever you are just invent one.

something to justify this supreme lack of drive, this lack of self. I look into the stories of younger days, looking into self-styled heroes and protagonists in their own story. It's okay, they were slackers too, they were confused and they couldn't find jobs and their friends worried about them too.

Some people can laugh about the times when they make earnest promises to themselves and then break them on the next day. Not me. Nope, I can't let myself do that, I have to make myself suffer for it. I have to guilt myself so hard that I run away again. Goddamnit, when am I going to break the cycle?

WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOOOOOOOOOR

Matt invited me to see the rehearsal of the play, the rehearsal with the script I wrote. The script I meant to modify and send to him, and I can't get my act together enough to do that. Twenty minutes before they were going to put it on, I was cooking breakfast for myself and looking at the clock.

There's a games summit thing at my university, games without frontiers, talks I want to be in on, and I haven't gotten dressed for the day. What is wrong with me? Why can't I see beyond my own self-indulgences?

Have you considered looking into depression?
Because you sound like you're depressed, maybe.

69%.

Everyone needs to stop telling me I'm brilliant.

We should be friends.
You have a pathological need to be called a cunt and I have a pathological need to call people cunts.
We'd get on I feel.
But you are a cunt.
Like even if I didn't call everyone a cunt I'd still call you a cunt.
Also that's the entire entry.
69% is given without context.
I assume it's a grade for something.
In which case whatashame I never got a score that low in college.

Start.

My life feels different than it was from August, but nothing's changed much. It's shifted.

 My life feels different from 2 days ago.
2 days ago I discovered a Youtube channel that has like half of Mystery Science Theater 3000 uploaded.
Where has this been my entire internet existence?
 I can space mine and make spaceships in one tiny window
watch that show in another
If I didn't have to eat and drink and go to work (starting again next week I mean SPRING BREAK WOOOO) I wouldn't move again.

 This must be a reoccuring thing for everyone: The slow vertigo moment of realizing that you've been pushed into making decisions on your own, being counted on to follow up on meaningful decisions. Self-reliance. All of a sudden I'm reminded of the dead cat on the roof joke: Instead of telling the owner on vacation that the cat is dead, tell him that the cat was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down; then the next day, that cat fell off, is at the vet for surgery; next day, the cat is dead. Preparing the owner for anticipation of shock and grief, rather than hitting them full in the face with it.

Like that time I thought I was signing up for a day at my favorite school only to find out I had a case of sudden onset dyslexia and signed up for a borderline hood school?
Know what I did?
WHATASHAME I'LL LIVE.
AND INDEED I DID
END OF STORY AND 91 DOLLARS RICHER.

Despite all the slow baby steps of Vancouver Film School, going into apartment life with two other dudes, and finding myself back on this cozy little island, I still haven't made the transition. I still don't know what I'm doing yet.

Here's what I haven't been telling anyone: 

Who the fuck keeps trying to log in as me?
IS THIS YOUR DOING, PHONE?
YES
STOP DOING THAT.
I'M USING MY GOOGLE ACCOUNT YOU FUCK

I need to do something. I need to get out of here.

Twenty-three and what the fuck is there to show for it?

There are people my age or less that are already making beautiful things, or participating in something amazing.

Not usually.

I'd offer you an extended free trial of EVE Online so you could calm the fuck down and make spaceships but I don't want you to embarrass me.

Got back into online roleplaying.

I think I do it more for the social interaction than the RP itself.

I need the social circle. I need the people with shared interests, and the nice bonus on the side is throwing in and coming up with some cool scenarios. I don't take it too too seriously, and I get to show off my writing ability to some extent, and the characters I enjoy in the literature I read.

By "literature (he) reads" he means manga.

Funny how priorities change on the things you used to love.

I miss Dad's call the other day. Woman who minds the office accidentally hung up on him. Sucks - would've liked to talk to him. Need to get into the habit of remembering his number.

There's a few things I want to buy when I finish up this summer job. First and foremost, I want a new computer - a desktop computer I could game on, design levels with, do things I wouldn't normally be able to do with a crummy Macbook. I want to start weaning myself of Apple products... letting them fade from my life, and start fresh. I want to quit Facebook, someday, hopefully, maybe.

Can't make spaceships with a Macbook, m8.

Or can you?

I want to stop fucking up what should evidently be "my future", and maybe caring more about that sort of stuff. Except for the part where I don't, not really. This fucking Writer's course is nothing more than me hoping, hoping that I wean myself from the deadly behaviour wherein I see opportunities and freak the fuck out. I see what I can do with myself and intrinsically reject it. I see places where I can cash in on my interests and my enthusiasm and I say, "You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough. Stop. Now."

Must be tough.
Can you not end sentences in italics?
Makes it hard to turn off.

It's not my self-worth. It's not my doubt in my writing ability. It's some ingrained, horrid, fucking evil voice that just won't go away, that hides itself like a fucking virus. It comes in when I'm weakest and tries to convince me to die. And I won't let it do that. I won't let it accomplish its goals in making me kill myself, no matter what. I promise.

I'm not suicidal. I don't have suicidal tendencies. I just have hatred within me, a form of hatred that turns in on myself like a devouring snake. It is ever-tangible, lurking beneath the surface of my psyche, waiting to lash out. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to turn myself into a human being capable of great things.

Yeah man

I don't even know what to say to this really.

Let's see if I can find an entry where he isn't a whining bitch.

Nope, can't do it.

Well.

Guess that's another entry, then.