I had an all-day appointment yesterday, so my husband took a day off of work to watch Cameron.
What are you so busy doing to watch your own spawn, woman?
Well that's fair enough, I guess the other idiot needs a chance to get a lesson in what he's been neglecting.
"I spent $100 at the grocery store!" my husband said incredulously when I removed the death mask. "And I didn't buy hardly anything!"
I pretended to be shocked. "You don't say?" I replied.
Hey spare me the sarcasm. It's thanks to my fucking employment you can buy food.
You certainly ain't employed with your doctorate in, what was it? MEDIEVAL LITERATURE?
This weekend, I am going to make him go with me to buy sneakers for all the kids.
Watch yourself now, he might just get the bright idea that none of you are worth the hassle and run off.
Here's her daughter's schedule for school and she's really flattering herself if she thinks I'm interested. Recess is missing and there's a double session of math. Glad I graduated from primary school a while ago.
On Monday, I lined everyone up in front of a rack at Old Navy.
"Pick whatever backpack you want," I told them.
Kids handle decision making notoriously well. You are talking to people whose cognitive abilities don't extend far enough to understanding that when you break something in two you are not, in fact, doubling the amount of something you have.
If you're trying to avoid a production (and you never seem to be, huh) you'd pick two or at most three appropriate backpacks and say "pick your favorite". Most kids, especially boys, could give a fuck so you'd probably do well to just pick a non-girl one for them but you are half an idiot, after all.
I'm sure they had children raising guides back in the dark ages. Surely you've come across one? And don't pull that bullshit "things were different back then" because they were not that different.
Cortlen and Camber quickly found something suitable to their tastes. Kellen took one look at the offerings and threw himself on the floor.
In case you forgot the choice of names.
"All of these backpacks are disgusting!" he cried.
See you gave them too much time to think. Had we used my method we'd already be moving to the next store.
"You touch it, you take it," I told him.
What the fuck, why are we falling back on grade school tactics here?
This morning, I took my kids to see Gregor. When the librarian saw me, he greeted me with a big grin....turned upside down.
Gregor. Why does everyone in your life have a name straight out of some scifi movie?
This week, my boys attended Vacation Bible School at a local church.
>Vacation
>Bible
>School
What? It's like three terms that don't make sense together.
Another church located directly across the street from the VBS church ran a medieval-themed dance camp for girls at the same time.
Medieval-themed dance camp.
So let me see if I understand this correctly: you take an awesome era of history involving knights, jousting, political scheming, the coining of the phrase "assassin" (exactly what it is today), the reemergence of humanist principles straight from the cruelty of the crusaders, the discovery of gunpowder, optics, astronomy and chemistry (through a pseudoscience called alchemy), several people so badass fictional accounts have to be toned down because there's no way people today would believe someone that awesome actually existed and dancing was the best thing they could come up with?
Whatever, Church.
This afternoon was Camber's dance recital. During the only 30 minute period of the week when my cell phone ringer was turned off, Cortlen got stung by a bee at Bible school.
Probably a mistake for dividing your children amongst activities. You had too many kids, that's a fact, so you should probably enroll them all in the same shit, yeah?
Also we have already established this is something none of your kids want to do, so just stay home and watch TV, Christ all mighty.
I apologized profusely to a group of women with clipboards in their hands and explained the situation, pointing to my daughter (who was wearing a cardboard breastplate and carrying a sword covered with aluminum foil) as evidence.
Oh yeah and Joan of Arc. Man these activities suck, fuck me. You could not have had more interesting shit going on and yet here we have dance and the Bible. The human imagination truly is an uncreative as advertised.
In Florida, it's the reptiles.
I don't have anything against lizards, but I don't particularly like to find them in my shower stall or running across the sidewalk every time I step foot outside my house.
Lizards are awesome, what's wrong with you? Look at the picture of the one you linked on your own blog. The fucker is blending in with that tree perfectly. That's fucking rad.
On Tuesday, I took my kids to the park and sat down on top of one. In my defense, the lizard was the same color as the park bench.
If the lizard wasn't sick when I sat down, it certainly was when I stood up. The thing was alive, but it didn't look so good.
Important lesson today, kids. We're going to learn about death and futility.
For reasons which I don't understand, my kids were more concerned about the condition of the reptile than my mental health. The shriek could be heard for miles.
Yes we're going to watch this lizard die a slow, painful death. Remember the helplessness you feel now. In the future remember to choose death and end its suffering.
This morning, one of the local movie theaters in town opened its doors to Orlando's youngest citizens, offering anyone under the age of 10 a free ticket to see Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie.
Wow the theaters around here were showing Aliens. Not to 10 year olds obviously but as their "movies that haven't been in the theaters for a while" movie.
FLORIDA SUCKS HOLY SHIT.
Once the movie started, and I realized that all of the characters in it were vegetables, I began to actively look around for fire alarms.
... Really? A movie with the subtitle "A Veggie Tales Movie" stars talking vegetables?
Guess what: Aliens features, get this, aliens!
The three rows in front of us in the movie theater were occupied by preschoolers from a daycare center.
"Don't you think it's weird that a bunch of little kids can keep their hands to themselves during a movie but you guys can't?"
"It's almost like kids don't raise themselves you stupid cunt," would be my response. It'd be worth the time out.
I'd like to point out again that while you're raising your kids to be strippers and spouse-abusing alcoholics my kids will be future assassins. I'm not saying your kids suck but at least mine will always be employed.
You had two perfect life lessons in that lizard about camouflage (and how it does and more importantly doesn't work) and death, and you instead chose to focus on your own mental health. Whoop-de-shit you sat on a lizard. You'll survive.
Earlier tonight I gave a presentation to the teenage girls in my church about the importance of education.
"Our own glorious institution has fought tooth and nail since the dawn of its inception against education. Scholasticism was the first step against education: smart reading-types were locked away in monasteries. Coincidence? It is against the church's best interest to have people educated."
"If you call them bracelets one more time, I'm going to gnaw my arm off," threatened the Wanderer a few days ago.
See what I mean? Killer instincts in these kids. They can be turned into helpful members of society.
I'm nominated again for Blogluxe's Funniest Blog Award!
BA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
Woo Hoo! I feel tremendously honored, as even being nominated for this award is a big deal. Last year, I narrowly missed out on standing on the winner's podium and I am super psyched to be in the running again alongside some really funny blogs.
HA, HA, HA, HA HOLY SHIT STOP.
I feel a little lame asking you this on the heels of what is ironically one of my few serious posts, but will you consider voting for me?
Hoo-boy that was entertaining for a minute there. You, funny?
HA!
Oh look, targets. This "Blogluxe" is an ally. Going to have to keep this in mind.
Anyway I guess that's it. Remember: I'm always watching.
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