Read this with your eyes.
grampa died around 8oclock this morning. well. saturday morning. because now it's 4am on sunday morning ... so i've been up for..... 20 hours. with three hours of sleep before that.
i'm dealing with this okay, only for the simple fact that he made the decision for himself to stop going to dialysis. at first i thought it was selfish on his part..
Ha, ha what? He made a decision not to go through a painful process that would likely only extend his life a couple of months (not to mention all his bought months would be in supreme discomfort) and somehow he's selfish? No, stupid, you're selfish for wanting him to bend to your will because it'd make you more comfortable.
but then i realized that was selfish on my part. i just wanted him here because that's what was easiest for me.. that's what would've made me the happiest.
Well you aren't all stupid.
for as stressed as i am about failing that psychology test tomorrow, i'm really calm and relaxed. thank god for yoga.. that's all i have to say.
So... So instead of studying for your psychology test you went to yoga to allay your fears of failing? Awesome.
I can't take this anymore.
I fucking hate myself. I really don't know what else to say. Marissa, Paul and Waltos are all going to the woodlands tonight which is a dance club where all the skinny girls get the guys as usual. I'm not going there to embarrass myself and get made fun of.
Marissa says I need to get over myself, get some confidence.. etc. I wish I could. I really do. But I KNOW that if I throw myself out there, and get rejected, whatever tiny bit of self confidence I DO have, will be shattered instantly. To that, Marissa says ''just be like me, I've been rejected, do what I do... I don't care about anything" .... Yeah. right. I wish.
I hate myself.
I really really do.
I thought yoga made you "really" calm? Apparently only about things you should have been doing instead of side nonsense you don't really need to be doing in the first place. How about channeling some of that self doubt into studying for your fucking psychology test?
I need to be skinny. then maybe guys will pay attention to me. I'm real low on the self-esteem thing tonight.
All guys love needy, clingy psychological messes.
i'm let down and kinda jealous. i just want to be noticed and i want someone to realize that i actually am a pretty awesome girl despite being fat fat fat.
I don't know. From what I've seen and heard of you, you possess no redeeming qualities.
after i had sex with luke in may (may 14) i got my period may 19-22.. june 12-16.. july 8-12 ... july 30 - august 1st and then august 23-26. but in august i know both of them were just little spotty things. in may june and july though it was full force disgusting blood. i don't know what to do. i'm scared. but i can't be el prego, i have no other signs. i don't pee extra, i don't have body aches/head aches/ morning sickness.
So you've had three periods with no other signs of pregnancy and you're concerned you're pregnant? If you are, it'd be one for the medical books.
Also you might want to look into a condom next time. Whatever the (menial) price is it'd be worth it to not worry for three months. Shit let's go crazy and say they're five entire dollars. You worried through the months of May, June, July and August (four months, my mistake). That's 123 days. So assuming that rubber bought you a worry-free day, that's 24 cents a month. .79 cents a day. Of course in reality the cost is so little breaking it down into such terms would be relatively meaningless, so my point stands doubly.
ugh, i'm going to go read psychology.
Finally. Maybe if you did that instead of having unprotected sex with Luke and worrying about pregnancy you wouldn't be failing psychology. It's probably psychology 101 too, which is fucking easy mode. If you fail psychology 101, quit college.
he is the weakest strong person that i've ever met in my entire life. and i can't just sit here and let him get hurt again.
Weakest strong person. What the fuck does that mean? Is it like comparing a Champion of Khorne to a regular space marine? Sure a space marine is a fucking strength 4 monster but compared to a strength 4 (5 maybe goddamn I don't know Chaos that well) monster with potentially 18 power weapon attacks suddenly your regular space marine is looking like a little girl?
i am so fucking protective of him. i know how bad he hurts when he does, even though he'll never EVER admit it. he doesn't have to say it. i just know.
Goddamn I hate people like you, treating friends like brothers and sisters. You are not their keeper, and acting like it comes off as condescending.
That's the fucked up thing, too. You could come off totally fucking awesome if you weren't such a... Such a... TITTY MONSTER.
You've experienced first hand how fucking dumb guys are when it comes to girls. You should warn them and then when they don't heed your warnings you could come off like Athena does from the Odyssey. Which if you don't know go read it goddamn I'm not here to teach you.
Or maybe you'd be like Circe. Definitely not Penelope, at any rate.
Not that there's anything wrong with Penelope, she just isn't a goddess or a sorceress and therefore anything she does can't be as cool.
This is getting a bit tangential, isn't it?
I really don't understand why I let people treat me like shit time and time again. Why do I throw myself, heart and soul, into situations where I KNOW the feelings won't be reciprocated?
Somehow the term "titty monster" feels appropriate again.
I'm the person everyone can come to with whatever is bothering them whenever it so happens to be. But where do I go when I need someone to talk to?
Ah, this old paradigm. I think there's a name for this (I learned it in psychology. Maybe you should be reading for that test?) what was it...
Ah fuck it. At any rate, you've set yourself up as the victim here. You think yourself so wise and learned and no one can possibly relate to you. It's a lonely existence for you, but you bear it because THE WORLD COULDN'T EXIST WITHOUT YOUR GIFTS.
But I find myself asking "Why am I trying to make everyone else happy?"
The answer to that is: "Because it's all I've ever known"
Wow you're annoying. Most people aren't looking for you to fix their life, because by their own admission (most likely) there's nothing to fix. Indeed, I've read the accounts of your friends and I see similar parallels to people I've known. What did I do? I assured them that if they needed someone to talk to I'd listen (operative word there, listen. I suggest trying it sometime) and when that time came (and it always did) I listened. When they finished, if they asked for my opinion (hasn't happened, least that I can recall) I offered it. If it wasn't asked, it wasn't offered. Usually simply by sharing this they felt better and got a direction on their problems. Usually when they're willing to admit any of this to me it's on the path towards correction in the first place.
So in that way I helped them without coming of as a... A... TITTY MONSTER like you do.
That's it. Also I figured out why almost all my posts are major too long, didn't read (besides the obvious I like to hear myself talk): I have to not only copy other peoples' too long, didn't read post, but then add my own, so that makes double too long.
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