Most people attribute mere unfortunate accidents or things that are coincidental to irony, but irony is actually quite specific.
Let's take today's example for instance.
Ok. You have to wonder about the "family values" party selecting a VP candidate who is willing to knowingly drag her pregnant 17-year-old daughter from the relative obscurity of Alaska into the vicious trenches of the biggest political stage on the planet. All in hopes that that said candidate will be making a move to the VP mansion right around the time her daughter gives birth, thus either dragging her and her baby across the country before she's even finished high school, or leaving her and her baby across the country at the most emotional time of her life.
Don't get me wrong -- I don't think Sarah Palin is a qualified candidate on any count whatsoever, and how she chooses to deal with her family is not something I'll choose to attack because there's plenty more substantive stuff to deal with. I just find it terribly ironic, and sad. This poor girl is going to go through hell any way you cut it, and my heart goes out to her.
Now what he (she?) says isn't really ironic (unless the VP candidate was caught saying "abstinence programs work!" in which case it would be) but rather the fact he says "how she chooses to deal with her family is not something I'll choose to attack" meanwhile he just spent an entire paragraph basically attacking her for being a stupid twat.
That is the perfect example of verbal irony.
Also that would be grounds for attacking her. If she can't even handle one unruly kid how is she going to engineer the success of an entire country?
Well, the Olympics are over, the ticket is chosen, and the convention starts tomorrow. It's time for me to get serious about this election. Even though Obama's website crashes my browser every time I go there.
Why are you going there? Are you that boring that you seriously go to political websites and do research on this nonsense? If the presidential elections actually meant anything it wouldn't boil down to a fucking high school prom popularity contest every single time they hold one of these fucking things.
Also you seem pretty dead set against Republicans, so why bother going to Obama's website when you already know the outcome of your research?
That's one thing I learned in high school while you were no doubt busy being boorish and pretentious: research is only beneficial when you don't come into it with a foregone conclusion.
Beijing gets an A, by the way. It's hard to say what made me cry more: the earthquake boy walking in the stadium with Yao Ming, the volleyball win, Debbie Phelps, the fucking Visa commercial reminding us of the English dude who finished the race with his dad, Bob Costas's new dye job, Tom Hammond's new face job, or Usain Bolt, every time. I am very much in love with Usain Bolt. Not in the same way I'm in love with the Cuban runner with the glasses, but the kind of love that makes you weep uncontrollably at all times. Otherwise known as TRUE LOVE.
You cried during the Olympics? What the fuck is the matter with you?
Some of you already know this, but earlier this week I had to ban myself from shopping at the local supermarket after a series of events over a series of visits which added up to me accidentally trying to steal something, accidentally trying to convince the customer service rep that I wasn't trying to steal something, being caught posing provocatively with my shopping cart after watching several hours of America's Next Top Model, almost stealing a toothbrush, mispronouncing the word "phyllo", inadvertently flirting with a cashier who's probably half my age, and walking out of the store without an entire bag of liquor I had just purchased. Then today at the farmer's market I knocked over an entire crate of oranges. When I'm rushed to the hospital in a few months in a severely malnourished state, I will just have to explain that I have no place left to buy food.
Oooooooookay, let me get this straight. You "accidentally" almost stole something (uhh, how?) then "accidentally" tried to convince a sales rep that you weren't, in fact, trying to steal something when you got caught because you suck at shoplifting. Then, then, you "get caught" standing around like you're trolling for men to pay you for sex (don't lie). This is further compounded when you "accidentally" tried to steal a toothbrush, which I have to assume is completely unrelated to the other attempt at stealing because the first time it was only listed as "something".
Then you buy some liquor, because if there's one thing you need it's to be even less in charge of your faculties, but forget it at the store. Then you proceed your rampage of douchebaggery and aborted attempts at stealing by knocking over an entire crate at the farmer's market.
Yeah I feel for you those enormous wooden edifices filled with bright fucking orange fruit are real easy to miss.
I can forgive you for the last two, since you're probably better off not boozing it up, and everyone has clumsy, idiot moments where they knock into shit.
What I really want to know is how you accidentally steal something. Logic might dictate you put a case of coke or whatever under your cart, forget it's there and walk off with it, but then I wouldn't necessarily call that stealing, and even then apparently you were doing whatever it was you were doing in such an overt manner as to attract the attention of upper management at this grocery store.
Perhaps even more curious, though, is you standing around, what was it, "provocatively with my shopping cart after watching several hours of America's Next Top Model". What might possess you to do something like that?
Then you claim innocence by "inadvertently" flirting with a cashier half your age?
So let's run through a list of things that supposedly aren't your fault, despite all of this shit happening directly because of you:
- stealing
- stealing again
- standing around like a dumb whore
- flirting with someone
- knocking over a crate of oranges
Some days I love Hall and Oates so much I honestly think my heart will burst.
Hmm.
Ok kids. I implore each and every one of you to respond to this post with whatever comes into your head. It's come down to this: New York or Chicago. I have a big decision to make, and I feel endlessly fortunate and rather excited to have the decision to make. I'm veering toward one, but I'm not going to tell you which one it is. They're both equally fair game.
Well New York is one of the major centers of culture and civilization in America. Meanwhile Chicago has...
Hmm.
Chicago was cool in the 1930s, as The Untouchables has taught me, but that was a while ago. Unless this journey comes with a time machine.
Although I might suggest staying in bumfuck wherever you belong, because if you cause that much chaos at a fucking grocery store I can't imagine what you plus a huge city would equal.
I just hope New York has some good insurance.
All right I guess that's it.
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