Our story begins with a social misfit named Doug.
Doug seems like a nice enough guy.
I tell her how beautiful she is, I bought her a brand new house, several nice cars (not at the same time), and I do what I can for her. I'm not rich, I can't buy everything she wants, but I eat frozen burritos and crappy cereal most of the time so she can eat the things she wants to eat.
See? What a noble soul, sacrificing everything for his wife! Maybe it's just me but I always feel like any noble gesture stops being noble the second you start bitching about it. That sets up an awkward situation for poor wife: the deed has already been done and she can't fix it now, because what has passed has passed.
That doesn't excuse her, though, because she sounds like a twat. Apparently she's flirting with dudes on the internet.
I guess my point is she's a twat and he's a dick: a perfect match.
At first I started to feel sorry for the guy. Then I remembered I dislike every person and thing until it can prove itself likable. So this is some list he made apparently about the rules of men. If these are the rules of men then call me a woman.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. This is our rule! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
We do? Maybe it's your taste in women but I have never heard these rules.
Maybe you have to be married.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
The toilet seat always goes down because when you flush BACTERIA FLIES ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. I know you can't see it and therefore you assume it doesn't exist, but trust me.
Let me set up the scenario for you: you shit, don't put the seat down and flush. Bacteria and shit particles everywhere.
Meanwhile your toothbrush is on the top of the sink.
GUESS FUCKING WHAT.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
Yeah I love watching muscular men reach between each others' legs and make gigantic homoerotic man piles too.
1. Crying is blackmail.
That's defense-tactic number one. If you fall for that you should have to buy her whatever she wants.
Also you should have seen it coming in the first place and avoided the situation.
Or, even better, date a chick with some guts, but that's not going to happen because you are, after all, an ass.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
This is the breed of beer-swilling idiot I used to see in my high school all the time. The loss of subtly does not make you more of a man. It makes you a jackass.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Perhaps, but they usually should be qualified with some sort of opinion or thought process. You know, so you can keep up the facade that you're an adult capable of some intelligent thoughts?
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
I learned this lesson early. I thought it'd get me chicks by pretending to sound sympathetic, but then I turned into the girl-gossip magnet. While interesting in its own right, it wasn't the effect I was going for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
I don't know what kind of existence this guy leads where he can't remember stuff he said from a week ago. I never forget anything.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Ah, this bulletproof logic. If you're ugly don't expect to be treated right.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
There is no good excuse for not choosing your words carefully.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
I have to be honest. I'm not sure what mauve is either, but I wouldn't wear my ignorance like a badge.
What's it, like a pink color? I'll Google this.
Yeah it is pink.
WOW THAT WAS HARD TO FIND OUT.
All right I'm done with this list, but it goes ON AND ON. I think this is from that comedian. He was on the blue collar comedy tour, but I don't follow the exploits of hack comics so I don't really know.
So I'm not honest huh? Well fuck you too for talking shit then. I swear, people are two-faced.
No one wants you to be honest, either. People want to hear what they think, not what you think. Just repeat whatever they want to hear at them. If you can't do that or are unwilling to do that, then shut up. If you can't do that, then expect disappointment and failure.
Now he's bitching like a bitch about getting in trouble at work for some completely dumb reason. That's what people in charge do. They act petty with their power so you know they have brass balls.
And by the way, who ever was replying to the last post and talking shit about me being a waste, FUCK OFF!!! If you are one of my ex's, you know you are wrong and that your full of shit. Now why you would come on here and talk shit to me is beyond my imagination. Last I checked, when you talk shit about a person, you do it behind their back and not to them you Fucking idiot!
What a temper.
I'd tell him to act like the big man he likes to pretend he is and grow a set and stop bitching to strangers on the internet about it, but I'm fairly certain that's what blogs are for in the first place.
Well, I am an idiot.
At last, something we can agree on.
Yesterday I had my final in English class and today I have my final for photography.
Considering you don't seem to know the difference between "there", "their" and "they're" (hint: they are different) I'm guessing that went well.
The amazing thing is I have commented on six years of entries (sparse updater, bonus points) and he has not changed at all.
All right here's how to not be like this putz:
don't be an internet tough guy. It makes you look like an idiot.
don't pretend like you're some badass. You're on the internet, everyone looks the same through the internet.
don't talk about girl troubles and your petty, half-realized understanding of women. It makes you look clumsy.
I guess that's it, then.
1 comment:
he wants girls to be honest then he tells them to talk behind his back, not to his face. derp.
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