Them blogs, man

Them blogs.
What do you, dear reader, consider the greatest piece of literature ever composed? Your answer doesn't actually matter, even if its drivel like Twilight because what is for certain is that it is not Whisper in the Darkness.
First thing I have to mention: holy Christ I've been struck blind (and stupid) by the shitty layout.
So first she poses a simple (deceptively so) question to herself:

What change have you made in your life that you're most proud of?

Okay, to which she responds:

To become a lesbian. And not cutting myself. That I'm most proud of.

When your "most proud" change is defined by that which you haven't done I think you've fucked up somewhere.
Also "to become a lesbian" doesn't really seem like an answer to the question. I'm sure what she tried to articulate with her tiny, tiny mind was "I became a lesbian" (see, present tense) but whatever.

Well I called Tim to wish him a happy easter and he didn't stop calling me the other day. I don't know what is up with him. I just wanted to wish him a happy easter and nothing more.

As I understand it some people enjoy talking to people they like, and try to do so frequently and sometimes share their thoughts and emotions with this person. Also they frequent social events together. This relationship isn't romantic. I think you might call this relationship "friendship" but I don't know.

If he wants to talk to me talk to me online don't call me.

If he wants to talk to me, (comma) talk to me online. (period) D(upper case)on't call me.

Anyways I have a girlfriend and she is the love of my life.

I know you said "anyways (sic)" but you should still probably qualify sudden shifts in thought with a paragraph break or some kind of connective thought (or even an admission that these thoughts are unrelated).

I think I'm going to move in with her. Yes that is what I will do. We are getting this big fucking place in suffield and I'm going to move in with her.

When I entered the 6th grade I was encouraged to vary my sentence structure to keep it interesting for my readers.

I hope that it is the right thing to do I think it is.

No punctuation mark is not the correct option here. There are many, many choices, rest assured. Indeed, each offers a slightly different shade of meaning while all are correct. You could have broken this into two sentences, added a comma, added a dash-- anything, really. You're clearly a special case so I'm going to be unusually merciful and give you half credit for things I would typically regard as incorrect (colon, semicolon).

Kathy doesn't but I do because god loves everyone and he who is without sin cast the first stone I always say.

Again I need you to bridge your thoughts better. Also: God loves everyone, eh?
That is true about casting stones and shit, though.

Mary mag was a prostitute I think that is even worse than gay.

Oh-- didn't you just say not to judge and shit?
Also by your wording, homosexuality is implicitly bad, prostitution is just "worse". Personally I'm okay with both but I guess we can't all be Christ-like like me~

Jesus loved her. So I say he loves gays too. I mean the world has changed I mean the male gene will not exist in another 2000 years if we manage to not blow our selves up and find a way to produce clean things for the environment.

I see your understanding of biology, genetics and the environment is as startlingly vast as your knowledge of the Bible.

They say the male chromosome is getting smaller and smaller it said on the discovery channel and all that will exist is female.

Well if the Discovery channel says it, hey. Who am I to judge?

We will be a planet that is totally asexual.

No-- you'd still be female. Asexual would be without gender. Not requiring coitus to reproduce.

We won't need to have sex to procreate.

So because all men die women will magically be able to reproduce asexually? How might that be? Spontaneous evolution?

The female gender is the dominant one out of them all.

I'm going to ignore for the moment that the male chromosome is surprisingly resilient and far, far more adaptive than this stupid cunt thinks.

Although we would probably be like we couldn't live without men but you know what we would find a way to preserve the male chromosome if that was happening so I think we would always have men just they would be toys. There would be discrimination towards them. ha ha ha. Just like fucking slavery only there to pleasure us and then be thrown away.

"Subject displays sadomasochistic tendencies" is what I'd be writing down on my notepad if I had to analyze her psyche.

I would love to see the female as a dominant species because man has reigned far too long.

Say what you will about every ruler ever (male or female), at least they're not you.

I just feel my life has been such a wasteful one. I'm now 26 and I'm not even married not like gay people can get married but hey at least I could get domestic partnership to her.

Wow. You're now 26. Your entire life up until now has been a waste-- and it's now over. You cannot possibly recover from this. Your life is over.

I will take it slow but not being cocky or anything she will eventually have to say that she is married to me.

Ironic that you say you won't be "COCKy" as if you could be-- ha, ha, ha.

Take my name at least instead of her name Missy White.

Sounds like you're hoping to marry a stripper or perhaps a porn actress.

I'm going to bank of america tomorrow to get the remaining 50 bucks that I owe him.

Wouldn't you be giving instead of getting? Whatever. Suddenly I'm reminded of that Rolling Stones song.

I want us to lead a non dramatic life and I eventually want to move in with her. I hope Tim approves of it.

Making a note of this in my psychological pad, too. "Expressed deep hatred of men but still seeks the approval of an unrelated male acquaintance." Then beside that I'd write "issues with father?" Or perhaps "Electra complex?" to remind my note pad that I have a fucking psychology degree.

I just hope this autoimmune disease if I have one doesn't bring me down because I'll be devestated.

Devastated*
Also now I'm thinking of that song by ELO.

Which day of the week do you least look forward to? And which one do you most anticipate?

No one gives a fuck, next entry--

Well I told tim her friend that see he is gay so I'm not worried about anything.

W-- What? This is like when a CD skips and five lines play over each other at once.
I'm going to take this slow, word by word, and see if I can get some sort of sense out of this.
Well I told Tim, her (girlfriend, presumably) friend that-- and here is where I'm confused. Is this an aside? If so, shouldn't this be its own sentence? Also what would you be worried about? That Tim is suddenly going to swoop in and turn your girlfriend (who is a lesbian I assume) heterosexual? Well I only know one Tim (me) and he is absolutely capable of such raw feats of masculine conquest, so perhaps you are wrong in not worrying.
Let's continue. Perhaps this will all make sense in due time.

I don't have any doubts about this relationship. I loved her from the moment I met her. I know now I'm a lesbian and i will never ever be with another man.

This isn't going to make sense, is it? Also I like how you say you have "no doubts" about your relationship but then go on to say "I love her"... Five times, by my count, in one entry. Trying to convince yourself, I see.

I would probably commit suicide knowing I couldn't be with her.

"Subject is clingy, melodramatic and has attachment issues."

Well one that made me really angry is that muslim woman who got her vagina sodomized for talking to another muslim man.

Wow this is like a Zen riddle. You can't perform sodomy on a vagina since it is, by definition, anal or oral copulation.

We should send all the women to college in iraq for free.

Brilliant solution. You're like those beauty pageant winners (sans the beauty): "WE SHOULD JUST GIVE EVERYONE A MILLION DOLLARS!!"

I'm a lesbian just to let you guys all know that. I am and I don't care what anyone thinks or what the bible tells me.

Well you are very wrong in assuming I care. Which I don't.

I don't know about you Christians but I think you all are basically unhappy people to begin with.

All Christians are miserable. All I'd have to do is show you one happy Christian.

I don't know if this is a generalization but it isn't because I've noticed how unhappy Christians are.

You don't know if it's a generalization? Quick brotip: if, at any time, the word "all" comes up, it's a generalization.

I just have to say last night was amazing. I totally am into Missy. I don't care if it makes me gay or not.

This is the second time you've stated you "don't care". Hey you don't have to convince me.

I'm a man hater because I don't think there is a single man out there that is good. I think men are evil. Maybe there are a few but in the general they all just want to get into your pants and bang you.

Yeah like you're such a hot commodity.
Well I could go on, so I will.

I did sexual things to her. I guess you could say we had sex.

This is the first time I've ever laughed out loud at one of these fucking things, and for all the wrong reasons. Really, you did sexual things, so you had sex?

Oh and I weigh 200 lb's now so thats good.

Gross.
Okay I'm officially done now. I probably could continue, but this entry seems to be dragging on and on so I guess I'll go~

Socially Inept Dumbass

It's story time, children. Today's story is from Doug's Journal.
Our story begins with a social misfit named Doug.
Doug seems like a nice enough guy.

I tell her how beautiful she is, I bought her a brand new house, several nice cars (not at the same time), and I do what I can for her. I'm not rich, I can't buy everything she wants, but I eat frozen burritos and crappy cereal most of the time so she can eat the things she wants to eat.

See? What a noble soul, sacrificing everything for his wife! Maybe it's just me but I always feel like any noble gesture stops being noble the second you start bitching about it. That sets up an awkward situation for poor wife: the deed has already been done and she can't fix it now, because what has passed has passed.
That doesn't excuse her, though, because she sounds like a twat. Apparently she's flirting with dudes on the internet.
I guess my point is she's a twat and he's a dick: a perfect match.
At first I started to feel sorry for the guy. Then I remembered I dislike every person and thing until it can prove itself likable. So this is some list he made apparently about the rules of men. If these are the rules of men then call me a woman.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. This is our rule! Please note... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

We do? Maybe it's your taste in women but I have never heard these rules.
Maybe you have to be married.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

The toilet seat always goes down because when you flush BACTERIA FLIES ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. I know you can't see it and therefore you assume it doesn't exist, but trust me.
Let me set up the scenario for you: you shit, don't put the seat down and flush. Bacteria and shit particles everywhere.
Meanwhile your toothbrush is on the top of the sink.
GUESS FUCKING WHAT.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Yeah I love watching muscular men reach between each others' legs and make gigantic homoerotic man piles too.

1. Crying is blackmail.

That's defense-tactic number one. If you fall for that you should have to buy her whatever she wants.
Also you should have seen it coming in the first place and avoided the situation.
Or, even better, date a chick with some guts, but that's not going to happen because you are, after all, an ass.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

This is the breed of beer-swilling idiot I used to see in my high school all the time. The loss of subtly does not make you more of a man. It makes you a jackass.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Perhaps, but they usually should be qualified with some sort of opinion or thought process. You know, so you can keep up the facade that you're an adult capable of some intelligent thoughts?

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

I learned this lesson early. I thought it'd get me chicks by pretending to sound sympathetic, but then I turned into the girl-gossip magnet. While interesting in its own right, it wasn't the effect I was going for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

I don't know what kind of existence this guy leads where he can't remember stuff he said from a week ago. I never forget anything.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Ah, this bulletproof logic. If you're ugly don't expect to be treated right.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

There is no good excuse for not choosing your words carefully.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

I have to be honest. I'm not sure what mauve is either, but I wouldn't wear my ignorance like a badge.
What's it, like a pink color? I'll Google this.
Yeah it is pink.
WOW THAT WAS HARD TO FIND OUT.
All right I'm done with this list, but it goes ON AND ON. I think this is from that comedian. He was on the blue collar comedy tour, but I don't follow the exploits of hack comics so I don't really know.

So I'm not honest huh? Well fuck you too for talking shit then. I swear, people are two-faced.

No one wants you to be honest, either. People want to hear what they think, not what you think. Just repeat whatever they want to hear at them. If you can't do that or are unwilling to do that, then shut up. If you can't do that, then expect disappointment and failure.
Now he's bitching like a bitch about getting in trouble at work for some completely dumb reason. That's what people in charge do. They act petty with their power so you know they have brass balls.

And by the way, who ever was replying to the last post and talking shit about me being a waste, FUCK OFF!!! If you are one of my ex's, you know you are wrong and that your full of shit. Now why you would come on here and talk shit to me is beyond my imagination. Last I checked, when you talk shit about a person, you do it behind their back and not to them you Fucking idiot!
What a temper.

I'd tell him to act like the big man he likes to pretend he is and grow a set and stop bitching to strangers on the internet about it, but I'm fairly certain that's what blogs are for in the first place.

Well, I am an idiot.

At last, something we can agree on.

Yesterday I had my final in English class and today I have my final for photography.

Considering you don't seem to know the difference between "there", "their" and "they're" (hint: they are different) I'm guessing that went well.
The amazing thing is I have commented on six years of entries (sparse updater, bonus points) and he has not changed at all.
All right here's how to not be like this putz:
don't be an internet tough guy. It makes you look like an idiot.
don't pretend like you're some badass. You're on the internet, everyone looks the same through the internet.
don't talk about girl troubles and your petty, half-realized understanding of women. It makes you look clumsy.
I guess that's it, then.

Into the fires of battle, unto the anvil of war!

No, that's not the title of today's blog, unfortunately. I decided it was more interesting than the actual title, though: "All My Lies Give Me Pleasure".
Today's blog is located here: http://neeru-xoria.deadjournal.com/
First thing: I'm skipping the first two entries (July 26 and the one after it).
So immediately I have no idea what's going on. Apparently Sid (must be British, yeah?) had a baby.
Skipping some more posts that don't interest me at all, and we're on to June 6, 2008.

Man I have some good times looking at these jobs. There are posts that make me laugh and posts that are like what the hell....

For example, today I saw one that was like: Are you a hunter? Do you like sales? Work at our waste management company! LAWLS!

Oh, could that I would be so easily amused.

And Im sitting here like ....those things have nothing in common.

thatsthejoke.jpg

I also like the jobs that are completely not descriptive. Its like, WORK HERE =D and youre like....well where is here?...What is it that you want me to do?....And then you click it and theyre like, work here we'er awesome and give benifits =D Be cooooool come here! And youre still wondering what the hell is going on because they havent really told you ANYTHING.

No, indeed, I'm wondering why I'm gibbering like a moron. Let's go over the second person pronoun and its use. Ideally it wouldn't be used at all, but that has a rather academic tone for a blog. How I use it is (I hope) responsibly. The "you" is clearly directed at the person writing the blog (thus setting up what we call a "false dialogue" in the litfag world. Lends itself to comedy: that's why I tell the jokes, people) or framing it somewhere around the word "us", implying a camaraderie involving me and the audience.
So there's that. Then there's the use of "like". I'm sure I've gone over the actual use of "like", but just as a refresher: "like" never, ever prefaces the start of a quote.

My favorite ones though, are the completely misleading ones. The heading is something like, BIOLOGIST! So you click it, not that I have any interest in biology but just for giving you an outrageous example, pretend like I do. So you click and its like, duties: Answering the phone, faxing some shit, getting the mail and shoveling poop.

Yeah, that'd be an entry-level position. Someone with a biology degree might apply and work her way into bigger things involving actual biology.

Man, I dont know why it is that all men on the internet are the biggest pigs on the face of the earth but they really are. It seems like all the gentlemen, the few that there are on this earth just avoide the internet like a plague, which leaves room for all the sick pig headed shits that roam the yahoo chat rooms.

Civilized adults don't go to chat rooms. Also, anonymity+internet+opinions=asshole. It's just how it works.

I'm sitting in there tonight and theres these shits in there that are like, oh man, asian girls like to be raped. Rape is so funny, hahaha. You know what else is funny? Suicide, thats funny haha. I dont know why girls are always commiting suicide when bad things happen to them. Like, rape. Or breaking up. But suicide is so cowardly. People who commit suicide are stupid. Theyre wusses. And suck.

People like that really piss me off. But it pisses me off even more to see men doing that. How dare you. Do you honestly think ANY girl likes to be raped? Do you honestly think that suicide is fucking FUNNY? It makes me fucking sick.

Whoa, whoa easy, chief. It's the fucking internet. Stop taking it so seriously.

I always see those men in there. Acting like fucking pigs. Hey any sluts in here? Hey some bitch show me her tits on webcam? Why wont any girls fuck with me? How dare they say they have ANY pride at all. They shouldnt even be allowed balls. They should all be made eunuchs, every last fucking one of them.

So you show them how grown up you are by threatening castration. Veeeeeeeeeery mature.

Maybe I should just become a fucking nun. Either that or a full blown lesbian. So I can ignore all the men in the world who are fucking little shits. Im going to become a super femininist. And be like, fuck men. Youre all PIGS. HUGE DISGUSTING PIGS. You think youre so fucking funny, so fucking full of yourself. I hope a lot of mean things on them right now. I'd make a shitty Jesus because I want more than an eye for an eye.

What. I like the use of "full blown lesbian", as opposed to a regular lesbian, I suppose. This type of phrasing almost implies it's possible to be a woman fucking other women and not a lesbian. At all. Or if you do it really hard you're a SUPER LESBIAN. I guess what she's doing there is implying she's bisexual, which I'm pretty sure all girls on the internet claim to be. Either way, not fucking impressed. She seems rather confused, too, at who exactly she's supposed to be channeling these emotions. At first it's all men, then all men who are also shits, then all men again. I guess it's angry high schooler logic that I never understood.
The next two posts are major too long, didn't read, but she implies she's graduating college, not high school, which makes me wonder what the fuck she learned in college.

Yay no more finals. I am offically done with college classes.

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ. Maybe she had a bullshit major that doesn't require work or thought or growth, but in the never-ending hell that is the education curriculum, she wouldn't have passed even an entry level class.

And I'm playing the 'My thesis is not due thursday' game. Yay for me.

I would pay whatever is in my wallet to read that. Thesis, to me, implies a major fucking paper. Either a masters thesis or doctoral thesis. Let's assume the best, in this case, and say it's a masters thesis. Even so, it's not something you just shit together a week before. It requires some time, research, and planning. Apparently whatever she cranked out passed through peer review, which is fucking incredible. Apparently American education standards have sunk that low.
Unless, and this would assume the impossible, she only types like a complete idiot on the internet, and off the internet can maintain the cantor of a civilized adult.

So I laugh, at the stupidity that is american children. Its sad and unfortunate that he did die, Im not trying to belittle the fact that a child died. Im merely pointing out how little intellegence children have these days.

I-- hey, that's what I just got through saying about you! Also nice cop-out on the "I'M LAUGHING BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE I STILL FEEL BAD HE DIED." Way to be a cunt. If you're going to be an internet tough guy, here's how you do it: fuck him and fuck his family. I'm glad the shit's dead: one less asshole polluting my planet.
There. That's how you fucking do it.

I dont know why I was possessed to be a double major XD it seemed like a good idea at the time, but Im worried I am not good enough to get an A on this paper, which is what I really want. Its like, Im writing and writing on it and Im to this point and Im all, what the hell am I writing, I dont even know what point Im trying to make by telling you this?

Double. Fuck. Major. The college I attend, that is, one with a tenured faculty and a rigorous curriculum that isn't a diploma mill, you have to be approved for a double major. Based off the standard of writing I've seen thus far, she wouldn't have been accepted, let alone for a double major.

I have no idea how long the thesis statement is suppose to be Im turning in tomorrow. On the sheet it says a paragraph, but Katie said Metraux said a page. Whoo for having no idea whats going on =D! Mine is like...1/4 a page, maybe half a page if I double space my name XD Plus I havent really done enough research to support what Im saying. So it should be fun. (I dont even know why professors would want to read thesis papers anyway, I could imagin if I had to read them all. I would be like, in the crazy house)

It's a page. Come on. I could have written it in five minutes. I understand you're not exactly smart, or even of menial intelligence, but Jesus fuck show some guts.
So to keep this one short: punctuation. Use some.
Try to sound like someone who just graduated college, please. I understand it isn't school and you are on the internet, but that's no excuse.
That would sum it up, I guess. For the record, I have literally read the thoughts of 8th graders that are more mature than some of the paradigms you've set up. Whatever you spent (or whatever your parents, or the government spent) for you to go to college would have better served building a road. Or a bridge. Or fuck, just throwing it off said bridge. I know people who never had the chance to attend college at all, so I consider it a privilege.
Maybe that sort of thinking is why I don't type like that.