Oh My

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I feel like I've run as far away as I can from who I am.

Metaphorically, presumably, since running from yourself is, of course, impossible.

I have completely changed my body, my lifestyle, my profession, my social and sexual habits... I am just a piece of who I am.

Uhh... I'm going to assume she means "a piece of who she was" otherwise that makes even less sense than I expected. How can you be more than you are? That doesn't even make sense. What, are you like Alpharius from Warhammer? One soul in two bodies?

I am something new and confusing.

SOMETHING SPECIAL AND UNIQUE, AND ALSO A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER--

I look back into my past, and I miss what I had and who I carried myself as. I was as open and vulnerable as a beautiful new flower, fully bloomed.

Fuck I was making fun of you, but you're serious.

Now I am a cactus. Can I go back? Would I really want to? Or did I get to this point as a defense mechanism?

Not sure where this is going now. Maybe it's time to drop the analogy and talk in more literal terms?

I wish I was prettier now. I wish I had more followers.

What, are you a cult now? By "followers" do you mean "friends"? If that's the case I think I see why everyone hates you.

I don't know that anything specific is wrong; I just think I deserve better than what I get right now.

Ha, ha, oh you. You "deserve" nothing. You get what you earn. Sometimes it's less than you expect, but your expectations and reality often are separate.

I work really hard at everything I do: my job, my chores, my appearance.

So do a lot of people. What's your point?

I am winning in so many ways, but this relationship is totally stagnant right now. It hurts and makes me feel so heavy sometimes. The feeling of unwantedness is like a heavy anchor, yanking me out of the clouds and into an abyss of loneliness and self-doubt.

Christ, could you be any more melodramatic?

My memories feel as dangerous and taboo as thinking about sex at work.

Uhhhhhhh, what?

I dare not tread on the images and haunting voices in my dreams.

What, are your dreams Promyvion from Final Fantasy XI? (hi references only I get)

I don't feel like complaining.

So... I guess the last paragraph and a half were something you didn't want to do, huh?

I need to get in touch with the spiritual side of myself again. I need to find my soul.

What is a soul, exactly? Define it. Is it your memories? Your emotions? Both? The essence of who "you" are? In which case it would be inseparable from your body, since your body and brain chemistry control all of these things.
You're silly for thinking there's a separate "essence" that has thus far remained undetected.
You're you. You're always you. You can never stop being you. If you've changed, then that's you changing. Somewhere along the line you wanted, or needed (or thought you needed) to change. That's it.
And aren't you glad? What if you were someone else? Yeah, it might be better, but it also might be a lot worse.

I feel a black hole inside me that is killing me from the inside.

No if you had a block hole inside you that'd be the end. You would be dead.

Atheism is devastating. I am not strong enough to live without a belief in something, even if only my personal strength and ability to change the world.

Err atheists can still believe in their own personal strength, or in the ability of society to perform, or even faith in (oh God) humanity. Atheism is just the rejection of supernatural beings, spirits, etc. No, lack of faith in anything at all would be cynicism.

Everyone was too chickenshit or self-absorbed to even ask if I was ok.

Ha, ha, ha, oh you. Classic case of "pot calling kettle black" I think.

I wish someone had just helped me. I wish someone had tried to find out what happened. I wish someone had tried to make me talk about it.

No, fuck you. Help yourself. The world isn't here to make *you* feel better every time you fall down and scrape your knee.
What is this bullshit? OH ALL MY DREAMS DIDN'T COME TRUE EVERYONE CHEER ME UP!

Here I am four or five years later, still singing the same song. How ugly! How black this world is to step on my flower buds.

Again, the world didn't step on your flower buds (whatever that means) the world doesn't even know you. Something unfortunate happened. You can either make it better on your own accord, or try to, or do what you're doing: being a total fucking cunt about it.
Given how this delightful journey has gone so far, I'm guessing it's all bitching from here on.

Buddhists believe that life is suffering. It is. But Buddhists also train to meditate on all emotions, especially suffering, to convert it into positive emotions like joy.

Actually Buddhism teaches we only know good feelings in relation to bad ones, so in a way, as you said, "all life is suffering" but the goal isn't to "convert" bad ones into good ones, the point is to transcend all emotions.

I've been struggling with this load for several years.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No end to my suffering cycle in sight. *sigh*

Actually Buddhism, like all religions, is a search for the truth and not just an escapist mechanism to end transient bad feelings, but whatever. Also many Buddhists devote themselves to meditation and contemplation and self denial. Not only that, but they do a lot of charity work and shit like that.
Self denial and thinking about someone other than yourself, I suspect, is something you're very unfamiliar with.

The Best Times you fucked me were by surprise. I can still remember feeling your pants around your ankles as you bent me over in my kitchen so many years ago.

Oh good grief.

The diamond-like stars in the sky drop wishes to Earth every day.

As opposed to the diamond-like stars in the Earth that fly wishes into the sky every day. Also isn't this a line from Mario RPG?

This week I broke my vow to leave you alone forever when I found you online.

A man is only as good as his word (a woman, her word, whatever). Scum.

I had this dream in August 2004, right before we broke up. I had a dream that I was in my "warm place" in the wedding dress I picked out. I was barefoot, and I saw the remains of a fire. I approached the charred wood and noticed a branch warped like a pretzel. I picked it up carefully.

I'm starving. I wonder if there are any soft pretzels about.
Oh, right, sorry. DO CONTINUE.

It was an infinity symbol. The ashes dirtied my lily white feet. Only a month later I called the wedding off.

The infinity symbol. A symbol of power. Earthly power, typically. That's why it's frequently depicted above The Magician's head in Tarot.

If it's not a spell, then something else paranormal is going on.

I think the clinical term is "stone cold fuck nuts".

But who cared? Who honestly gave a shit?

No one. Wait, no one does care.
Why am I still here posting about this?
I'm going to go get a delicious pretzel or something now.