Only in death do we earn our salvation

Back from my crusade to the dark state of Georgia.
Will I become the president of anime?
Time will tell.
Anyway, enough of this pointless speculation: HAMBEASTS AFOOT!
All you have to do is take one look at her avatar to realize she has a pretty face.
PRETTY BIG, THAT IS. HAAAAAR.
Oh yeah, score one for me.

Describe your dream vacation.

I want to spend an hour stuck on a runway next to a man big enough for three seats.
I should only pay 50% of my ticket price because I only had 50% of a seat after that fat piece of shit was done sitting.
You know the fucked up part of it? If I had set my bag on 50% of the seat next to me and wouldn't let the person move it they'd tell me to get fucked but I somehow have to tolerate this because this man is smuggling luggage filled with fat under his fucking skin.
Also during that flight the turbines were making this weird hissing noise towards landing time so I can only assume they were struggling to keep his massive girth aflight.
The part that slays me are the people who have the audacity to bitch about the flight itself. No, I'm pretty sure the flight itself is fine it's the fucking peasants I'm surrounded by that make this insufferable.
In fact, I feel if you don't show due reverence for the MIRACLE OF HUMAN FLIGHT you shouldn't be allowed on a plane.
Such is the dominion of man that we have conquered the sky itself.

To Japan. That would be amazing. I absolutely love their culture, their food, their way of doing things, their morals and beliefs, their cities and their technology, of course.

Their morals.
Because here in America we have no morals.
Let me tell you something about their morals: you only know the sugarcoated weeaboo look at it. It isn't all pretty.
How about when entire families were wiped out over issues of dishonor?
Personally I feel this is a very manly way of handling a problem but I doubt you'd take a similar stance.
Wouldn't work today but barbaric times, etc.

I love absolutely everything. It would be a dream come true. I hope to one day fulfill it. <3

Better make that a vacation because becoming president of anime is quite a difficult feat to achieve.

What do you love about autumn?

Fall sucks.

I absolutely love everything about fall. I love the colors, the smells, the familiar warm feeling I get that lets me know the holidays are on their way. I love the colors the leaves slowly change into, like a caterpillar during metamorphosis, and how this makes the trees look almost like they're in sepia tone. I love watching the leaves randomly fall off their tree and land ever so gently onto the ground, and then raking them up only to jump in the pile and scatter them everywhere again. I love the smell of the fresh cool air, and the smell of spices that make up cookies and pies people begin to make in the cooler weather wafting through the air. It all makes me feel so toasty and calm inside. Most of all, I love Halloween. I love participating in the rituals by dressing up and going out with friends, but I also love seeing others, especially young children, dressed up and excited about receiving their treats from smiling faces in the doorways of houses, lined up in rows in neat and tidy rows with porch lights glowing, yet even more excited about eating the treats. It's a great season, it wouldn't hurt me in the least if it was fall all year long.

JESUS CHRIST.
FUCKING WORDS.
I'm going to read all this.
Nope, I just took one look at that fucking block of words and couldn't bring myself to do it. Who knew there was so much to this shitty season?
BLAH BLAH BLAH SEPIA BLAH BLAH SMELLS BLAH BLAH CHILDREN I mean goddamn, what the fuck?

Okay, well I am really out of it right now, so bare with me please.

The implication of "bare with me" is she wants you get naked with me.
I think no and thank you.
(Hint, idiot: the term you want is "bear with me", the full term of "bear" is actually "forbearance" which has fallen out of favor for obvious reasons)

I have a lot of friends and exes who read this shit, so knowing that, I would like to apologize to each and every one of you, not specifically or by name, but just a general apology that goes out to all of you from my heart and applies to all of you.
I am sorry for the way I have been lately. I am sorry I ignore some of you.

Nothing like the fake apology on Livejournal.

I am not ignoring any of you because I don't want to bother with you, or care about you any less. I often don't mean to ignore anyone at all. I am sorry that I have been rude some of you. I am sorry if I have said things that hurt any of you. I am sorry if I have been selfish. The honest truth is I am not doing well. I am anxious a lot, with no real explainable reason. I have panic attacks and often find it hard to sleep.

Awww, poor baby!
Baby is just a bit cranky, that's all!
I'll give you something to cry about, motherfucker.
... That actually reads more ominous than I intended it to be.

I am tired every morning and all day. I feel weak and useless, like I wouldn't have the energy to move if a building were about to fall on me. I am having major esteem issues, about my appearance and the person I have become. I am not entirely the type of person I had envisioned myself becoming,

Man I sure have been tired lately today, too.
But then again I haven't been sleeping much so I have an excuse.
Even though I'm tired as fuck I'm still bringing the comedy. You just have to carry on.
Those hotel pillows, I tell you.

yet I fear it is who I am and there is nothing I can do about it. I used to be on medication, and I know I still need to be but I am stubborn and lazy and just do not want to go to a doctor. Period. I know none of this is an excuse for being a shitty friend or a bad person, but it's the only way I have to justify my actions, because I have no real way to defend them.

You just said you have no way to defend your actions.
By your own admission your actions are indefensible and yet you're still making excuses.
Someone really should smack you for this bullshit. We've all done it before, Jesus. Just say "yeah I was being a dickbag. I don't know what I was thinking and I'll stop." There you go. Most people, especially your friends, would forgive you if you just owned up to your actions.

I have become a tired, lazy, scared, timid, selfish, angry, judgemental, self-righteous person and I know it's wrong.

Nothing wrong with being judgmental, now.

I know I need to change but it's not something I can do over night. Not many people know what I am going through,

What are you going through again?
Oh right, I forgot. ANXIETY.

but now you all do, and I ask for forgiveness from you all. Please try and understand, and I will try to get better. I'm sorry. I really am.

Never say you're sorry. It is a sign of weakness.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. I feel horrendously depressed. I feel like I am once again alone in this world. I have my family and I have James, but that's it.

>I am completely alone
>I have a family and a boyfriend
You really don't know what being alone means, do you?
We should all be so fortunate to have not only a family that tolerates this but an unrelated person who is apparently compassionate enough to your fat, ugly face and problems that he sticks around of his own volition to hear you whine.

I have people who talk to me, and people who talk to me occasionally. I really couldn't say if any of them are truly my friends or not, and I suppose it's my own fault. I have so many problems that I make it very difficult for people to be around me, let alone friends. I should probably work on myself, but, what's the point? It doesn't matter anymore. I am who I am and I need to embrace it, and not care who doesn't approve.

That's the spirit. Blame other people for not tolerating your bullshit instead of fixing your shit.
You know, you can't really be mad at Hitler. He was just the way he was and really its everyone's fault for not tolerating him for being a unique snowflake.

It will be hard to do though, because I have become weakened, but I am determined to shine through.

Only one solution for weakness.

It's really upsetting how many people blow you off and forget about you. At least there is some people in life who truly care and would never do that to me or anyone else. Thank Buddha for them. :)

Thank Buddha, who created man.
I don't think you understand how Buddhism works.
What slays me about this particular posting is there are comments, and here's one:

I hope that I am not one of those people who forget about you. I know I have a tendency to be a flake, witch there is no excuse for, but yeh...Sorry for not being a better friend to you.

>witch
you seem like a complete toolbag so if I knew you I wouldn't regret you not speaking to me.
To which this cunt has this to say:

Noooooo really, I wasn't thinking of you at all,

>I hate it when people forget about me
>but I forgot about you
I just noticed her username is "Koopaqueen" and yeah, that's about right. She looks like a human female form of Bowser.

Well yeah.....except for the getting gifts and money part, my birthday celebration was a total waste of time and energy.

Except for getting shit and having enough people in my life care about me to remember the day I was born and give me shit on that day it was a complete waste of time.

I am soooo glad I got drunk. I don't think I would have made it through otherwise, lol. To make a long story short, some of my family decided it was a great time to drag up drama and act like little fucking babies over a bunch of bullshit.

Somehow I imagine it wasn't drama and I bet it was entirely your fault.

So I ended up a stressed out wreck, feeling like a mess and a half while no one gave a fuck. I realized that this happens to me every year, because I always let my fucking family talk me into spending my birthday with them. So next year, FUCK THAT SHIT. I'm going to spend my birthday by myself, spending money, getting wasted and doing something stress free, like going to a spa. Seriously.

PFFFT THOSE MOTHERS, RIGHT? WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH THE PERSON THEY BIRTHED ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR BIRTH?
Jeez, mom, time to cut the umbilical cord already.

People reading this, remind me next year, when my birthday is upon me, NOT to celebrate it with anyone in my fucking family. Fo' realz. Anyways,

AnywayS.
This blog just keeps getting better.

today, which happens to be my real birthday, is going so much better because I am just chillin on the couch, watching shows and trolling the internet at my mom's (the only family member I don't hate to death.) and it feels fabulous. My food stamps went on today, and I have no school tomorrow, so tonight James is bringing me some ice cream, some cuppy cakes, maybe some booze (lolol) and we are going to order dinner out and just chill.

Your food stamps-- but you're eating out--
and whining that you don't get enough presents on your birthday or whatever--
no, something is very wrong here.
I mean Jesus, at the very least you live in a country so great that they feed you with no expectation that you'll ever become a productive member of society and expect nothing in return from you. Any sensible society would let you starve to death but such is your country's might and beneficence that it provides you with food.

Tomorrow I am going back to the mall for some more make-up shopping and some Starbucks, and that will be my last leisurely day before having to go back to real life, unfortunately.

You get food stamps from the government, and yet you go shopping for makeup and stop at Starbucks.
Every day is like a birthday from the government. That is how you should look at it.

Lol. Fuck though, what a nightmare. Every single one of my birthdays has always been a nightmare. I think it's a sign that I shouldn't have been born. Either that or a sign I need to whack all the retards in my family. :)

You guys should see the blisters on my feet. They are so cool.

I am getting money from her, and using it towards the up and coming ICP concert in Anahiem on October 7th. That will be fresh.

Insane Clown Posse fan.
Okay, now you can't get any worse as a human being.
You are officially scum of the earth as far as I'm concerned.
You were almost there already but this seals it.

"Nobody knows the real me. I don't even know the real me. I have hid it for so long it's lost forever. I change from day to day just to hide the pain."

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Idiot.

Not much going on really, just busy with school. Thank Buddha that my books came today, I really needed them this week.

Buddha isn't really supposed to be watching over your life--
okay, forget it.
Not that important, honestly.

So that's one obstacle out of the way. The books set James and I back a bit, so we will be a bit strapped til next payday. Next payday I get to go birthday shopping, so that's nice. The only things I really want is is a nice hoodie for this coming fall and winter, some more plugs for my ears

Gauging the ears.
Fat and with gaping holes in your ears to match the gaping hole that is your vagina.
Lovely.

and of course some indulgences, mainly a perfume from Victorias Secret and some makeup from Urban Decay.

Oh, so that's Victoria's Secret. She sells to hambeasts.

If anyone on here wants to get me anything, just 10-20 dollars, whatever is affordable for you is perfect because It will go towards what I have listed above. Other than that, I haven't decided what to do for my birthday yet.

I will mail you 20 dollars in bullets if you promise to destroy yourself and whatever spawned you with them.

My first day back at the college has went well. I got into one of the classes I was wait-listed on, and one I may not get into, but it's just a phys. ed class, so it's no biggie.

Normally I'd agree but in your case I'd say it is a big deal.

I was just hoping to lose more weight, lol. Anyways, there are millions of fucking people at this college and it is punching me in my OCD,

lol why would you want to lose more weight?
Oh right, because you weigh 300 pounds.

*Sigh* Here we go again. I see my ex has a picture up of him and some foolish girl. One can assume it's his girlfriend for the time being.

Some foolish girl.
You aren't foolish at all, though.
Maybe he wised up, though.
Probably not.
Oh well~

I wonder how long it will be before that ends and he comes to me again, all sobs and heartache. It's sad really, that he can never be true to one woman because he will always be obsessed with the ex before her. Either that or he will have a secret desire for someone new he has just met while he tells his woman at home that she is his everything.

Look, he wanted to date you, so clearly he isn't very good at picking women out.
Cut the guy some slack, he's clearly operating at 10%.
Well, it's 100% for him but you get where I'm headed with this.

He will never understand true love or how to love another fully. He loved me and cared for me more when he couldn't have me than he did when I was all his. He will never have my trust or friendship because he will never be able to prove to me that he cares or ever cared about me. All he thinks of with women is sex and their body.

I have some pictures that indicate their bodies aren't foremost in his thoughts, because he was having sex with you and you look like this.

Some days life just isn't worth living.

• Mood:hopeless

Dear Livejournal,
Mood: hopeless
Here's a post entitled "is pleased to say..." and the the post says this:

That my loverawr has a nice, big hunk of meat between his legs. <3

What I mean come on are you serious
are you fucking serious
God, now I have to think about the uncomfortable reality of you breeding?
There really is no justice in the world.
Here's a post entitled "I am fat"
I think I should change the title of this post to "I am mean"

A fatty fat fatty. I am sitting here, on my fat ass, with my fat belly hungrily growling and rumbling, awaiting my delicious Subway sandwhich soon to come. I cannot wait. Is that so wrong?? No. No,it isn't, because I'm still a fucking hot, sexy bitch.

Fucking hot, sexy bitch--
No, not to anyone with at least one sense.

Suck it, whores!

Shit, got those skinny bitches.
Ohhhh man this blog is really boring and I don't feel like reading it anymore.
Goodbye.