This blog, somewhat ironically, is called "SEVEN VIRTUES OF THE WARRIOR" and being an expert on all things warrior code I happen to know the only warrior code with specifically seven virtues is Bushido, and those seven virtues are rectitude, courage, benevolence, respect, honor, honesty and loyalty.
This blog isn't honest, it has no honor and it definitely is bereft of rectitude (or "standing upright" to use a term people have heard of).
What's worse: a pit of snakes or a pit of spiders?
Today's writer's block. I believe a real man of courage and honor would say they would kill a pit of snakes or spiders but Livejournal, ever the study of cowardice, has concluded spiders (somehow) are scarier.
Pretty sure there are far, far more poisonous snakes than spiders and even venomless snakes can fuck you up with their filthy mouths.
Go figure.
Definitely spiders.
To the best of my knowledge, nobody has ever inadvertently inhaled a snake.
And to the best of my knowledge the belief that you inadvertently eat eight spiders a year in your sleep is complete bullshit and an urban legend.
I was just channel surfing and caught part of an episode of Perry Mason, and it struck me:
Why has nobody ever investigated Lt. Tragg? I mean, when was the last time he arrested someone who was actually GUILTY?
I just started posting this when I remembered:
LAPD.
Never mind.
Ha, ha, oh--
Jokes that rely on the assumption your readers are familiar with a 50 year old TV show.
HEY WHY IS HAM BURGER ALWAYS REELECTED AS D.A. WHEN HE'S NEVER GOTTEN A CONVICTION-- oh my God, dude.
AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT PETER GUNN ALWAYS GETTING BRAINED? HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE, AM I RIGHT?
Guys?
Oh Jesus, no.
If the "Breast Cancer Awareness" industry was being run for the benefit of the ill, rather than to promote political correctness, they would be able to raise vast sums of money selling T-shirts and bumper stickers that say
SAVE THE TITS!
There are already bumper stickers that say "save the ta-tas" and they are for breast cancer awareness.
Even though that term makes me want to strangle the person who came up with it, you know, your idea kind of already exists. This required no real research on your part, either. I've seen them and I'm pulling this entire anecdote from memory. There's something like a 0% chance you venture out of your house less than I do, so I know you've seen them.
The concept of "Bible as Literature" is well-conceived but poorly executed; the people doing the examination are professors of literature, i.e., they got teaching jobs because they couldn't write anything that would be bought by anyone who didn't need it to pass the course. This is like having physical fitness taught by fat bullies whose notions of medicine are Medieval where they're not actually insane.
... Is that a joke or am I seriously supposed to understand this simile?
People teaching the Bible as literature is like fat bullies teaching P.E., and additionally they have notions of medicine from the dark ages because P.E. is also a lesson in medicine--
Uhh--
Hmm.
Okay, bad example.
So you employ your backspace key and avoid embarrassing yourself. No, just kidding you acknowledge it's shit and leave it there.
This is, what, the tenth time I've said this? PEOPLE: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PROBLEMS DOES NOT MAGICALLY FIX THEM.
The point is, nobody (except Harlan Ellison, who was doing something else) has ever taken a sensible look at the plotting and characterization.
Why am I not surprised this anecdote somehow involved Harlan Ellison?
Both look nasty from Chapter One. Big tree, middle of garden, have to pass by it no matter where you're going. We don't need a Redeemer from an Original Sin that has a fence around it, do we? Or Exodus. Who sent them to Egypt in the first place? There are plenty of other examples.
Is this Jerry Seinfeld on the Bible? What's the deal with this Garden of Eden?
I mean if God doesn't want you to eat his fruit why does he leave it within reach under the threat of a punishment you can have no clear understanding of, right?
Wow, dude.
Also, who sent them to Egypt in the first place? Have you read the fucking Bible?
Hint: God did it.
God literally told Abram to go to Canaan where he would "inherit the land from the NILE RIVER (in Egypt, dipshit) to the great river, Euphrates".
If you ever have a question about who did what for what purpose in the Bible there's a fair chance the reason they did something was because God told them it was a good idea.
How the fuck do you screw up a joke about how the Bible makes no sense?
Most of the Bible doesn't make sense and you have somehow managed to pick out the one thing that has a clear textual explanation.
Every problem that the Jews are "saved" from is something Yahweh did to them.
Yahweh is the Wesley Crusher of deities.
You know, again I hate to side with the Bible on this but God spends an awful lot of time saving his chosen people from the "workers of iniquity" or the "riotous sons of Belial" who are quite literally bad men.
So God spends a lot of time saving people from each other--
Oh God, no.
Everything you've said so far in this post is really undermined by there being a simple explanation. If you get out your crazy conspiracy theory web and start tying all the plot points together with string there's a simple explanation and that's fucking God did it.
"*Ahem*
"Sing, goddess, of the wrath of the son of Peleus:
"Achilles.
"...It's those guys over there."
"Right."
There, you now have the full context of this post.
I don't get it, either.
I guess because they spend a lot of time fighting?
Or it spends a lot of time explaining who the characters were?
It's an epic, friend. There's going to be a list of names by definition.
Various people advise putting an open box of baking soda in your fridge to soak up bad smells.
This strikes me as a Louis XIV sort of approach to bad smells.
... Because Louis XIV was known for carrying an orange around with him to cover up bad smells.
So we're comparing the decadence of a monarch from a time where showers and closed sewers hadn't been invented to keeping a box of baking soda in your fridge.
This is the level of comedy we're dealing with.
Of course, it does have the virtue of making sure that when you eat something and die it's a complete surprise.
... Because raw chicken smells wonderful.
Are you fucking crazy?
Also I know raw chicken goes in the freezer but that is the kind of shit that would be in proximity of the box of baking soda.
Doesn't the phrase "human resources" sound like an organlegging term?
I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually starting to feel a little overwhelmed at how rapid fire bad these jokes are. I think I need to take a step back for a minute.
Barack Obama has announced that he has decided NOT to arm the Al-Qaeda-backed rebels in Libya, and that he will be making up his own mind from now on, and acting like a President instead of a sock puppet for the Democratic National Committee.
Oh, and happy first of April.
...
GET IT? It's April FOOLS!
HAAAAAA!
Oh man.
Also what's wrong with arming groups that are opposed to the people you oppose?
Ignoring they have a nasty habit of turning on you it is a cheap and viable way to win a war. Just gotta make sure you wipe them out when you're done with them otherwise they'll come back to bite you in the ass.
I have this game I play in my head. It's based on the notion that sometimes the real problem a character has is that he's in the wrong story. I got the idea from Roger Zelazny's BRIDGE OF ASHES, wherein a character points out that Hamlet and Othello were in the wrong stories.
I find when you inject Tyberos "The Red Wake" from Warhammer into a story all problems tend to fix themselves by exploding into gore.
Recently Valerie and I were watching a DVD we'd rented, and the following scene came to me:
VALERIE because you know I'm a pretty popular guy.
With the ladies.
Just saying.
"Students, we have a new face here at Hogwarts.
"He's an exchange student from America.
"Say hello to Hellboy."
Oh get it because Hellboy is a demon who fights other demonspawn no that's really funny glad I waited for the punchline.
Who is the funniest person you know, and why?
I don't remember this writer's block but are you prepared for the fucking shit?
I literally gasped when I read this.
Gerry Nordley.
--Of course, if you mean INTENTIONALLY funny, that would probably be me.
Wooooooooow.
I'm left with two possibilities at this answer. Either he is, as I suspect, full of shit (that is, himself) or I'm left with the perplexing reality that maybe he really is the funniest person he knows.
How must his friends be?
Or, no, I answered my own question: he has no friends and therefore only knows himself, thank you.
If you were a country, what would be your national anthem?
Choir of Destruction.
"O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana.
Oh get it-- no.
Religion is the corpse of faith.
And this blog is the corpse of comedy.
If you could change one thing about yourself, except for looks, what would it be?
I'd become a Space Marine.
You better hope that doesn't come true, Matthew whatever your name is (it's at the top of the screen and I can't be bothered to scroll back up)
I would improve my physical health to the point where it was the equal of my mental capability.
Of course, I'd need clothing made out of special material.
And a mask.
Obviously you consider yourself an intellectual titan but I have yet to see proof of this mental acuity (I know big words also) outside of some evidence that you maybe were in college at some point.
What was one of those virtues again?
Being upright?
Glad to see the entire title of this blog is A LIE.
What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
The first thing I do is marvel at how dry my eyes are and how I can barely keep them open.
It seriously feels like there are hardened lumps of coal in my head instead of eyeballs.
Piss.
So does everyone else, irrespective of what they wrote. The alternative is to do it WHILE they're doing whatever they wrote.
No this problem is so pressing and all-consuming it requires my full attention.
Are you ever too old to go trick-or-treating? Is candy for everyone?
If your age is in the double digits you are too old.
Candy is for everyone who doesn't have the diabetes gene.
You are too old to trick-or-treat if you have pubic hair.
Pubic hair, double digit age-- few years off but I can accept this.
Even though I consider my answer superior since everyone gains a second digit to their age at the same time (when they turn 10) whereas the pubic hair thing can vary slightly but that's not too important.
(Anyone with breasts who proves she has no pubic hair may have candy.)
... And that would include quite a few tweens and early teens.
I'm really creeped out at the thought of this guy hitting on 12 year old girls. With candy, no less. That's pretty much the pedophile setup.
Fuck.
Well anyway I fucked off and did other shit for about 7 hours so I have no idea what's going on anymore.
Have a nice Wednesday I guess
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