Praise Be to General Electric

Today, as I sit in the pollen-laden air (record breaking pollen count, hurrrrr), angry at my current lot in life (stuck behind some asshole in the fast lane doing 30 in a 55 zone, snail racing with the asshole immediately to his right, also doing 30) it hit me. What I want, more than anything else in the world, is to have this mounted on the front of my car somehow.
It's not a gun. It's a Gatling-style cannon.Anyway, today we have Welcome to My Truth. Good thing it's just her truth, too, because if this were a universal truth it'd confirm what I always suspected: the truth is incredibly dull.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, maybe I'm just fishing for compliments or maybe I'm hoping someone will kick me up the butt and help me do something with my life.But I'm going to tell you this anyway.

Waiting for the big "oops! I forgot I needed a point!" moment. Then I call you an idiot.

There is this girl that I sort of grew up with, I shan't name her. She's pretty much perfect.

Hit me with your best shot, etc?

She's like me, but a better version. By that I mean she's fairly short and she sings, but she's prettier, thinner and although not a better singer she generally does more with her voice. And I'm sure most people /do/ think she's better than I am anyway.

Yo dawg we heard you liked obnoxious bints so we put a louder voice in your obnoxious bint so you can have a headache while you have a headache.
Sorry Xzibit Pimp My Ride parodies are so last year.

And it upsets me and angers me every time I hear about her. And she hasn't done anything wrong. It's horrible feeling like this.

WOMEN. Am I right?

I am so full of anger right now, and I do not know why.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY.

To be perfectly honest, i hate Friday nights. I'm sick of spending them alone and going to bed at 10 o clock and waking up on Saturdays thinking "what's the point in bothering to leave the house?"

You just need a more positive (positiver? I've never had to use this word in my life before) outlook on life. You're not a dateless loser, you just have more time for Pokemon now!

I hate how lonely I feel right now. I know I'm not alone and I shouldn't complain but I can't stand feeling like this.

Ah this reminds me a lot of Otis Redding when he says "and this loneliness won't leave me alone." Only when he says it it's in reference to leaving everything and everyone behind to travel 2000 miles only to come to the horrific realization he had nothing to live for and it looks like nothing will come his way, even now that he's left, so--
wait no, that's totally different.

It's like everyones changing and growing up and having fun, and I'm stuck being the same old me with no life.

Somehow when Otis does this it's more meaningful than when you do it.
Oh right, talent. Yeah. That helps a lot.
Also Otis frames it a little different. His is more indifference towards his situation, kind like he's resigned to it, so you feel more for his situation than had he just blatantly whined about bullshit.

I am currently the heaviest I have ever been.
I don't know how to feel about that.

You should feel good about yourself if you're a boxer. Otherwise-- probably disappointment.

So I have no real reason to complain.

... BUT?Oh wow, she's really not whining this post.
Good work, then. "Steady on", as you British say.

I want to talk to you all about my body, because I think I aught to share this revelation with you all.

Yes, this is an important revelation. It's like the Apocalypse of Saint John, it's that important.
You thought all that Trumpets of Jericho and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the Dragon and the one third of the waters being turned to blood bullshit were dramatic?
Let me tell you, it has nothing on what's about to follow.

As I am sure you all know, or are in denial about, I am a bit bigger than your average girl. Horizontally anyway.

Translation: I am fat.

Vertically, I'm tiny. I have hips and boobs and a belly, arms and thighs that wobble when I move.

Translation: I am shaped like a meatball.

People always say that that's how I'm supposed to look and how "real women have hips and a belly"

No they don't, shut up. That's just fat people comforting other fat people.

but let's face it, they'd all rather look like Megan Fox than Aretha Franklin.

They'd rather have a man face than be fat-- err, bad analogy.

I've always been extremely self conscious and insecure about my body and my weight. I am not telling you that now, I no longer have these insecurities, because I'd be lying. But tonight, something changed.

Here we go, revelation time. This is going to be great, I can feel it~

I still do not like how wobbly I am. But I have started to develop a certain respect for my body. I know, right? It's completely insane.

I think a part of it is because I know that society and the rest of the world HATES it. Every clothes store and fashion magazine is dedicated to stick thin women whose ideas of "curves" is being able to see their hip bone sticking out. And as much as people say that curves are in, teenagers are getting skinnier and skinnier.

THE MEDIA HAS AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION OF WOMEN BLAH BLAH BLAH EATING A HOAGIE NOW

And it's sickening. By being the way I am, I am rebelling against society in my own way.

You and every other slob American/Englishman/German whatever the flying fuck you are.
Also, yeah, real impressive. Rebelling by doing exactly what you were doing before. I'm rebelling against organized society by playing video games today.
MAAAAAAN I'M TOTALLY BONKERS! COUNTERCULTURE, ANARCHY!

Another thing is, recently, I've been looking at thin girls, and thinking "okay she's thin. Nothing wobbles and she has a beautifully generic face and figure. What's so special about her?"

She's in magazines and you aren't?

You probably don't understand what that means, but not long ago, as short as a few weeks ago in fact, I would have looked at that girl and thought "God, she's so thin, I HAVE to be her!"

Yeah I had a similar debate with some Pokebros recently about the effectiveness of Scizor. They said he's overused Smogon faggotry, and while I had to cede the point, I think they gained a new appreciation when I trapped half a team with mine. Pursuit ruins your faggot shit, faggot.
It's a praying mantis made out of metal. What's not to like?

But, I've started being bored by perfect people. My imperfections are what make me who I am, you know?

Ah, but what if the perfect looking girl also has a perfect personality to match? You'd be positively inferior by comparison, because all you ever do is bitch about how you're not perfect, and now I'm supposed to laud that as superior because it makes you who you are, whatever the fuck that means?

So where has all this come from? Anyone who knows how self conscious I am, knows that this is almost as big as the time Galileo said that the rest of the universe actually revolved around the sun.

I'm pretty sure Copernicus was the one that suggested that. Displacing the previously held Ptolemaic model, don't you know.

Today is Ash Wednesday A.K.A the first day of lent A.K.A the day I go vegetarian. Yes that's right my friends, I'm giving up meat for lent.

I'm sure the reaction she's looking for is something like this:
But it's not happening.
Now there's a post about "guys she'd sex it up with" and I'm starting to think about putting my head in front of my desirous M61 Vulcan.
I think that's a sign it's quitting time. Enjoy your hoagies, fatties.