Who is Justin Bieber

Why do I hear the name "Justin Bieber" everywhere like he's someone I should know? Well you know the routine by now, I should think. It's as Dante said in his Inferno:

Before me was nothing but things eternal,
and eternal I endure.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Here must all cowardice be slain.

My friends and I finally got around to launching out website, Primary Ignition. It's pretty much a site full of written reviews and odd stories so far.

Well let me go right to that!

and I have my review of FFXIII up! Check it out! Tell your friends!

What is this "FFXIII"? Last I checked Square Enix was doing something incredibly strange. They went right from 12 to 14 with no 13 in the middle. Maybe it's because it's unlucky?

Having said that, Final Fantasy XIII gave me hope. Like a crack of light glimmering in deep darkness, it is my belief that FFXIII could be a dawn of a new era in the series.

Har, har, har.
All right million words I'm not reading, cut to the chase please--
>rating: 7.5/10
Wow someone is mighty generous.

FFXIII is a step in the right direction.

Endless tunnels and corridors, melodrama at every turn, nonsensical plot, a plot that indeed doesn't unfold unless you read the requisite journal (not good storytelling, SE), a soundtrack that is as uninspired as it is unmemorable, a battle system that outright rewards mashing buttons over any sort of thought process or strategy, a level system so linear and redundant they might as well just give you stat bonuses every level instead of jerking me around pretending like I actually have a say in how I customize my characters--
yeah you're right, this is a step in the right direction. Who needs all that pesky thought and interesting characters and shit when I can send my achievements STRAIGHT TO FACEBOOK YO

It's 2003 all over again. Except I'm uglier and listen to more music.

Funny I said the exact same thing last night, only "I sure do talk to more Koreans on MSN than I did in 2003." Followed briefly by "why do I have so much harspichord music in my iPod?"

I think that it's time I come to terms that my day in the sun is over, and I will never be in another relationship again, no matter how positive of piss poor my attitude is.

Sunny days seemed far away-- woooooo Sunny Day team.

People these days are shallow, and I just don't have the looks anymore to attract any girl that I would want to enter a relationship with.

Oh, oh what's up, blaming the girl for your lack of personality?

Part of the reason I feel this way is because of the fact that I am balding (from the back of the head WAY more so than the front).

Shave head, learn kung fu
get bitches

This may make me sound like an asshole, but I find myself strongly resenting my mother's side of the family because the baldness gene is from there.

Oh so much hair, so much hair how can I possibly comb these glorious locks?

And then it hit me. Again. I'm not cut out for this crap. Not that it matters if I was seriously looking anyway because I am fucking hideous.

Speaking of getting hit again, there's this weird tree outside one of the buildings I have to go to on campus and again today one of its creepy spine fruits fell down and bumped me right on the noggin.
That tree has it out for me.
ONE DAY, TREE THIS DANCE OF OURS WILL END

Don't fucking give me eating and exercise tips. I'm fucking exaggerating because I am frustrated about that right now. If I stick to eating better and cut back drinking like I have been doing, exercising should get me results faster. There, I said something positive. Are you happy?

I hate it when people say THERE, HAPPY? No, actually, I couldn't give a shit.
Exercise or don't, I don't give a fuck. Meanwhile in me world it feels good being slightly underweight and having a FULL HEAD OF FLOWING HAIR~

I figured if I died, seriously injured myself, or any other negative possibility happen I would have got what I deserved. While she wasn't exactly the easiest person to get along with, it's not like I'm a fucking prize either. I would love to change my attitude toward women in relationships, but it's very hard for me to.

Oh let me back up the WAAAAAAAAmbulance.
Here's the secret, brosef: when you think you're being totally awesome and a really nice guy to them you're being slightly less of an asshole than you usually are. It's the way people are hardwired, I dunno. They're programmed to see the flaws in others and ignore their own.
I think it has to do with Adam and Eve's disobedience to God-- no I'm just fucking with you.

Again, not like I even have that problem right now because no woman would want to be with me right now.

Not with that attitude they sure aren't.

Many people have suggested my negative attitude is my problem with meeting women.

Or you can't meet women because of your negative attitude, eh? How about that shit? Reverse that logic and it still stands to reason, so you have a vicious cycle of douchebaggery.
There's another sentence I'd like to quote but I can't actually get all the way through it without my brain running into what I can only assume is the human equivalent of a RAM address error.
Here's his relationship history and I'm sparing you, the reader, the details of this but rest assured I read every goddamn word of it.
Though there is this nugget:

Karma came back to haunt me since she ended up cheating on me while at college. Said it happened because of how I was acting. I wasn't supportive enough.

IT HAPPENED NOT BECAUSE I'M A WHORE WHO CAN'T KEEP HER LEGS CLOSED BUT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH~
Cool, way to pin the blame. Enjoy your venereal disease.

I should drink myself to death one of these days. I'm talking about in one sitting.

I agree.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I really, really don't want to get into a relationship again.

Hey man, you don't need to keep telling me. All you have to do is convince yourself that you're perfectly happy alone and miserable~

No, I am not pissed off.

I'M NOT CRAZY
I'LL KILL ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE

Fuck, I thought I was scared THEN. I was only, what? 20? I will be 28 in 2010.

Zzzzzzz.

I swear to god, we run into a man in a Luigi suit, and some teenage sluts were trying to get our attention. I high five the Luigi, and ignore the girl teenyboppers asking if they could have our alcohol. Fuck them.

This is why you're still alone, man.
Holy shit you made a v-log. New level of personal, this blog. You look and sound exactly as I imagined.
Jesus Christ. Asshole: script. Now.
Also: cool video game audio upstaging your shitty story no one cares about.
What is that, Final Fantasy VII soundtrack?
The least you could do is put some classy shit so you wouldn't look like a complete fucking loser, but ah well.
That's how you get bitches via music, by the way. Show them you're a fan of Al Green so they know you're a smooth motherfucker then whip out the Bach. That's right, complete package. Smooth and classy.
Oh here's your online dating profile--
Ah, you're looking at the camera and smiling.
I read a study recently that suggested men who look away from the camera and don't smile (exact opposite of what you did) averaged 50% more responses than men who did.
SCIENCE!

I am an anomaly. I am not designed or pattered to be in a normal relationship.

OH MY GOD DUDE KNOCK THIS OFF.

The funny thing about love is this: It's like a snake.

Calling up Whitesnake for this awesome new song idea I just got thanks to this.
Well whatever asshole, I have shit to do. I have a script to punch up for Japanese class.
It took years of study and practice to get this funny in English and now I have to do it in a foreign language.
I welcome the challenge?