Ye Guilty

Oh lucky for me Blogger got its fucking act together because if it hadn't I couldn't update, and subsequently I would have missed this piece of work.
Where to begin? If I were teaching a class on blogging and someone asked me to point out what not to do I could just circle this entire blog with my laser pointer and say "pretty much this." I mean good grief I had to get my douche shivers in check because it was starting to look like I was having a seizure.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah school is coming soon. It's something to do but *cries at the thought of the book cost*

So immediately I'm having this problem with font colors and this goddamn blog, so this is already turning into a fucking project THANKS A LOT.

So *squeeee*

:|

On a serious note... I don't think I can forgive my cousins, his daughters.

On a note more serious than brain injuries. All right.

Jessica is turning 21~ So now I just need Amanda to get her butt legal and me and my bffs will drive to Vegas for girl fun *wiggles*. And ya know >.> if Ka-chan get's herself all healified.

Heh, words do indeed work that way.

I lost weeeight~ About ten pounds actually. Don't ask me HOW cause I seriously don't know.

But I have~

Please be AIDS.

And I know I'm a permanent full-time sub which is great cause they call you like every day.

permanent substitute wha-- oh I get it, like a teacher.
No I see no problem with a woman who "squees" and seriously says "healified" teaching the young.

Anyways. The Think Together job is over, ended yesterday after the trip to the aquarium with the students.

ANYWAYS
ANYWAYS GUYS
ANYWAYS

Ugh, not too happy with my classes though.

This is my schedule:

The Bible as Literature
Mondays and Wednesdays
9:30 to 10:45

>The Bible
>Literature
:3

Why is it that during my orientation for my new job everyone and their grandmother suddenly calls me yet before that their completely silent?

>their

Her job GAVE her Photoshop CS 4. I'm soooooo jealous. It's like... like sex on her computer it was so pretty. Lol.

Yeah Photoshop is almost impossible to get for free.

And late fact is late BUT OMG STAR TREK IS TEH AMAZING.

>teh Amazing
>teh
Also opinions are facts on the internet.

For all my dislike of Thomas Jefferson he had the amazing idea of making college free.

How can you dislike Thomas Jefferson? I mean he had some pretty questionable personal life stuff but that's personal.
He was a pretty fucking awesome president, in conclusion. Way better than that asshole Obama. Yeah, I hated him before it was cool to do so. Go screw.

I ALMOST got straight A's this semester.

Yeah well I did. Further proof that I'm better than the internet.
Here's that fucking what Tarot card am I test again. I wish people would stop linking this shit like it makes any goddamn sense at all. Also name one person that isn't The High Priestess or The Hermit.
Hasn't happened yet because ALL BLOGGERS ARE THE SAME FUCKING ASSHOLE :C

So my mother thinks that I have may have mercury poisoning. I'm not sure if I agree, I don't know what the signs/symptoms are.

Uhhh...

I'm reading about 100-200 pages a week if I combine all the readings I need to do for my classes, sounds about right.

>100-200 a week
>a week
WOW BITCHING ABOUT A SMALL AMOUNT OF READING IN THIS BLOG.

And I dropped fencing. But not for the reasons you think. Instead I'm taking Acting!

Ares mourns, Thalia rejoices!

Is anyone else reading the AMAZING series called 07-Ghost? Dude go read it!

No.

Because my parents and I just found out that the exterminator service we have come into our house may be stealing my parents PILLS.

Oh how I have waited to use this picture:

Oh and no just some ibuprofen light-weight stuff. OOOHH no, no stole my parent's bottle of vikoden. My parents NEED those pills to function without pain! Hell, to function AT ALL.

They NEED it? Sounds like your parents are pillheads. PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS HERE.

Now, for those of you going "But Jax, where's your proof and why did you only just notice now?"

You don't need proof for conjecture, duh. Also likely one parent is hooked, took a ton and then blamed the exterminators.

Well allow me to explain my dear.

Naw dawg, that ain't me.

I had to DONATE four of them back to the school cause it was either get no money and keep the books or donate the books and STILL have no money. And guess what, I need room on my bookshelves, cause I'm a literature major and one class can require 10 books all by itself.

In situations like this I just take them and throw them out. Yeah, I'm a petty douche.

And now, I most go stir the chicken liver, turn the heat on the sweet potatoes down, and peel the eggs.

PEELS. Oh wait, verb.

Jax is pissed. She is referring to herself in third person. And Jax is pissed.

Jax is also a dipshit.

I will post this up with a list of my muses,

Here are your muses:
Also Apollo for some reason.

My FRENCH book, by itself was two. hundred. eight. dollars

Oh shit just had one of those huge yawns that kind of made me dizzy for a minute.
And so ends another entry by myself. Good work, me.

Fuck it

Today is the day before Thanksgiving and people won't shut the fuck up about World of Warcraft. When did that expansion come out? It was last week, right? So why are people still going on about it-- ugh.
But praise be to Allah that there's this blog.
From a Texan, no less.
I fucking hate Texas. If a Texas-shaped meteor hit Texas, ignoring for a moment the fact that the impact would destroy most of the solar system, the world would be better off.
Seriously, name one good thing that came from Texas.
See? You can't do it.
I'd say "give it back to the Mexicans," but to be honest I'm not sure they'd want it back. I know I wouldn't.

When my membership expired at the Bikram Yoga studio in north Austin where I’ve been practicing for the past year, I decided to take advantage of the *newcomer special* at my old studio, located further west.

What is Bikram Yoga?
Just kidding I don't care. To me Yoga is code for "I'm too much of a huge faggot to take Tai Chi." Tai Chi is for men. It may seem like it's for old men (because the kind they teach in America is) but real Tai Chi is basically Kung Fu times a million.
At least that's what the movie "Twin Warriors" starring Jet Li taught me. I'm not really sure if that's true or not but goddamn.

The 90 minute classes at both studios are identical in that we do the same 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises every day.

Imagine that. Yoga is the same no matter where you are.

But I grew to like and trust most of the instructors to the point I even felt comfortable showing them my blog and being open about my job as a stripper, which they totally *get* and have always been really casual about.

I think I have an appropriate reaction to this hold on.
This update suddenly became incredibly awesome.

I’ve also grown to really enjoy the students I see every day, one of them in particular, a 54 year old woman with the body, face, and spirit of a much younger person, really lit up my mornings with her humor and our rapport.

This has to be the most eloquent stripper ever. I cannot believe this shit.
Usually I just read straight through but for the sake of intrigue I'm going to click the "stripper" tag because that's what I want to know about.

They say life isn’t a destination but a journey.

That's very true (not really).

His fiancée just divorced British royalty, so god only knows what my ex's and her combined million$ amount to now, but suffice it to say their *journey* will be first class all the way.

No wonder he didn't want to meet you again. Fuck some stripper in Austin he has money to spend.

Meanwhile I can’t afford a decent gynocologist visit or the mamograms I'm supposed to be getting, not to mention a facial or massage, much less the extensive nip/tucks I’m quite sure his flawless beauty has already had.

What can I say? I roll the dice and usually come up with furry #15, but sometimes I hit the lottery and find the one that writes itself. The reason I reacted to "stripper" is not because hurrr stripper but because I knew from the get go this would be filled with incredibly awesome stories that she probably shouldn't be telling everyone within earshot.

I’ll age as gracefully as possible while hunched over my laptop, typing out my blood, sweat and tears, for years and years to come, while also competing with younger and younger strip club beauties for the privilege of grinding 3 days a week on the laps of various horny strangers, fending off their wandering hands and misbehaved tongues and ridiculous invitations, while Mr. & Mrs. Fabulously Wealthy travel the world in the utmost luxury, dripping in diamonds, dining on caviar, and making love in the most elaborate suites of the finest hotels on the planet.

When I had to come up with a title for my blog it was between "Edie Finds a Corpse" and this paragraph right here. Longest title in history I understand, but still I think it has a certain ring to it. "I'll Age As Gracefully As Possible..." or IAGPWHOLTOMBSTYYCWACWYAYSCBPG3DWLVHSFWHMTRIWMMFWTWULDDDCMLMESFHP for short.

I know I’m full of self-pity here. And that it’s actually part of my journey to get over these bitter feelings… to be forced to suck it up as I watch this painful, heart-wrenching in-flight horror movie of their relationship...

It probably goes without saying, but when someone says "I know I'm..." and then they continue to go on, it doesn't actually validate their bitching. No one wants to hear this shit. "I know I'm full of self-pity here" so why are you posting it? Also this is the third sentence I've caught that I could so easily take out of context that it isn't even worth doing because derp derp.

I’ve spent more time flat on my back lately than I care to remember and since I’m currently, completely, celibate (as opposed to partially?) that’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Maybe strippers have a different definition of "celebate" than I but it's either on or its off.

So during my last (3rd) song, a gorgeous, brunette dancer whom I’ve never met, approaches me on stage.

Little known fact but you don't actually need a comma between "gorgeous" and "brunette" because brunette is functioning as a color in this case and you don't need a comma between one adjective and one color word.
Just pointing it out.

“Are those real?!” she asks, beaming with genuine curiosity and not a trace of typical stripper-competitiveness.

This cannot be real.

Later on I complimented her on her choice of stage music (Danzig!). She thanks me then mentions that one of my nipples has popped free of my favorite red bra. I’m pre-menstrual and in the middle of a week of swollen *Special Boob Days* which means they barely fit into any of my bras and are also probably at least part of the reason she was so impressed by them in the first place.

I was looking through my folder of reaction pictures but I'm not really sure what I should be feeling here.
After much thinking on the subject I've decided this face is always appropriate:

I also need an occasional spinal adjustment to ensure I don’t miss any work, not to mention averting the potential tragedy that some sad, lonely, ex-preacher or recent divorcé be denied the extra-special holiday comfort that is my Amazing Bosom… like a warm-hearted TV special, titled, A Miracle on 34 C’s.

I like you, stripper from Texas. You even have your accent marks in the right place.

The metal padlock on my front door has a brand name etched into the outside face plate.

Yeah? What does it say? If it's Defiant or Faultless you might as well not even bother.

look down to slide in my key and every single time misread the word FAULTLESS as FRUITLESS.

Don't even fucking bother. Any idiot with a torsion spring and a pick could be through in five seconds.
”Is there any chance we can meet outside of here so I can watch you masturbate?”
Suddenly my previous comments about kung fu seem more appropriate. Why wouldn't you learn some version of "I can punch you and your head explodes" with this line of work? Meanwhile Wonder Stripper here is taking Yoga thinking it does fuck all for this creep who will bury her under his porch.

“Ya know I think we may live near each other,” he continues.

Holy shit he really will bury you under his porch watch out.

This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been around the block enough times to make an entire Cirque du Soleil troupe dizzy.

I was about to say "please work another cliche into this" but I'm not sure the second one is a cliche. I'm not even sure it makes sense-- why would a Cirque du Soleil troupe get dizzy by you-- I don't know.

It’s working its magic as I experience the skin outbreaks that come from the release of 41 years of stored toxins and excess testosterone, not to mention the occasional bursts of repressed anger also known to be stored in one’s liver.

41 year old stripper.
So that's where anger is stored. I thought it was a chemical reaction in the brain but I'm not taking Bikram Yoga.

Or maybe I just related to her, in this strange duality I still sometimes feel about my desire to be of service with my desire to sometimes smack some sense into the world.

What.
A duality is a division of two mutally exclusive or contradictory groups. You could serve by forcing it to make sense. It is, therefore, not a duality at all.

It's magnificent really. Like some profound & esoteric, color-coded, heavenly message from the almighty god of gum... saying what, I do not know. Anyone?

All right, stripper. I said I liked you earlier but now that's starting to wear thin.
Actually I'm starting to get a headache. Something about "profound and esoteric" is starting to grind my shit.
Fuck it. There's your Wednesday update.