I pride myself on being a huge fucking nerd faggot loser who can still blend in with normal society and hold a normal conversation with others who venture into the day star, so this blog is an interesting exercise in what it's like to take the plunge and become a complete mutant.
Ha, ha Twilight University indeed. I bet their football team kicks ass.
In keeping with the theme for this week so far, the student body is meeting in order to announce the official Hot Topic Twilight University Student Uniform, which will be worn at proms, vampire baseball games, and cliff diving competitions.
Official Twilight University student uniform. I know what the cool kids are doing these days now, don't I? I'm plugged in.
(Striped knee socks are optional.)
But the penis that found its way into your mouth sure isn't optional.
After in-depth discussion and an extensive review of available options, the choice was clear: We had to bring the chagrin. And the creepiness. Because that is what Twilight University is all about.
Even Twilight fans admit their books are creepy as fuck.
When masses of fangirls are encountered, for instance at Hot Topic or at the midnight showing of The Movie, there are several steps you can take take to minimize the risks of fangirl injury.
I carry a riot shotgun for situations like this.
Cover your ears. If you anticipate extended exposure, invest in some serious earplugs. Your ability to hear will thank you.
Consider the use of a full face mask
Not this is her advice, not mine. I decided to heed it, so here is my mask:
Know the enemy. Rabid fangirls can generally be identified by their excessive crying and shrieking when presented with anything Twilight-related.
It's cool with that helmet I can see across several spectrums and through walls if the lighting is right, so I'll see them coming. Also even if one does approach I weigh about a ton with that armor, so what can she possibly do?
If possible, avoid areas known to incite fangirl hysteria, including but not limited to Mormon temples, shopping malls containing Hot Topics, Mexican airports, and TwiMom meets at Starbucks.
Yeah I'll be sure to avoid TwiMom (what) that week. It'll be tough but I know I can do it.
As in the last review, this section will feature feats of amazing artistic genius.
Ha, ha that's what I think of when I think Twilight.
Okay, you have been in the University for some time, and it is really time to pick a team.
I'm going for a doctorate in idiot fanfiction. Think I'll make it?
Today, in addition to being the day after Halloween, also marks the countdown of 2 weeks and 6 days until the release of the Twilight movie.
Goddamn your font. Also I have it marked out on my calendar. I'm counting down the minutes.
Searching for the perfect gift for the TwiFan in your life?
I'd buy her (invariably her) a bullet.
It is clear that many (most?) fangirls have a little problem with differentiating the actors and real life from the fictional world of the Cullens.
If I landed one of these roles I'd do it, make my millions, then immediately call the entire thing fucking stupid and anyone who likes it an idiot. That way I'd alienate my fans and still walk away with millions.
Ways That Robert Pattinson Could Be More Awesome
(And Increase the Lulz)
Increase the "lulz", huh?
Still haven't found a team you can really commit to?
I'm committed to team "I talk to girls sometimes."
Looking for a group that can match your intelligence, desperation, and love of bow ties? There still may be hope...
Not here, but I'm just saying there's hope for you.
I, for one, have been dazzled. I cannot get enough. But I also feel like I have seen the entire movie at this point.
I saw the trailer on TV by accident and it looks like a shitty Blade knock off with 100% more gay and 100% less gore. It's going to be a mediocre at best romp that will be rewarded far beyond its due.
For weeks after the book was released, I searched YouTube constantly wanting to see evidence of the infamous call to burn the book.
I'm usually against book burnings (no matter the book) but if they wanted to purge that stain I'd be for it.
Is it just me, or does there seem to be a whole lot of eggs in the Twilight saga?
No I noticed that too.
In this second course focused on examining the fashions of Twilight, we will address the presence of Stephenie Meyer's favorite color: beige.
Which is really kind of funny because that's exactly how I'd describe her writing style. Beige.
The beige is gigantic in its many iterations: khaki, light tan, champaign, and (maybe, just maybe) topaz. topaz.
Khaki, light tan, champagne, topaz.
This leads the reader to one question: SMeyer, why are you doing this to me?
Yeah she did that to you specifically. She planned that out and really put a ton of thought into her story.
Umm...that does not look like a white turtleneck and beige leather jacket.
Captain Badass and his turtleneck.
The release of the Twilight Soundtrack track list
I rag on Twilight but this is marketing genius at its most brilliant.
*Please, God, let them make a Twilight musical.
One thing the Bill O'Reillys of the world seem to think is that if gay marriage were allowed children would somehow "become" gay. Anyone with a working knowledge of psychology, biology and history would know no one can "become" gay, but I fucking guarantee a Twilight musical would be a gay transformation machine.
As a continuation in our popular dating series, this guide is designed to teach uncoordinated human girls what NOT to do when pursuing the twinkling vampires or sweaty werewolves that they desire.
I put a lot of thought into my response to this and I don't think there are words that could properly express what I'm feeling, so instead, a picture:
In short: It’s fucking embarrassing. Begging for sexual relations is neither becoming nor virtuous.
But I can't blame you for trying, ladies.
We are gathered here today to discuss something that has been bothering me for a long time: Twilight Fashion.
This is the fourth (seriously) entry on fashion in Twilight. This blog is officially boring as fuck.
This course will seek to grasp the notion of logic and reasoning,
Something Twilight fans are very uncomfortable with, I assure you.
Assembly Topic: Technique Training from the Athletic Department
Including such invaluable lessons as "how to reach that anime DVD on the shelf overhead" and "how to inhale plankton".
Jesus Christ this goes on and on forever. How long have these books been out? I doubt I could write this much about shit I've been into for 10+ years.
That's it, I guess. This goes on and on apparently until the dawn of time but I don't want to read through several billion years' worth of posts, so fuck it.
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