U wot m8

I can add captions to shit

Hope everyone is ready for massive confusion today.
This person is probably some sort of transsexual-- I'm not too sure, actually.
They're also likely a furry.
In fact, no, definitely they're a furry.
So it's a chick/dude/something on the outside but inside--
it's a chick/dude/squirrel.
Also the background to this blog is giving me serious eye strain. I think my 3DS has permanently ruined my eyes to patterns like this. My eyes just kind of un-focus themselves by reaction.

Christ, remember the Virtual Boy that had all those warnings that if you were under the age of 7 you shouldn't play it all because you'd go blind?
And even if you were a grown adult you shouldn't play it for more than 30 minutes because you'd, you know, go blind? Not that anyone could play the Virtual Boy for more than 30 minutes without dying
in real life
Anyway I'm just whinging at this point to avoid having to read this.

This client feels that he or she has been dealt with badly by circumstances beyond control. Such a client can tend to bitterness and will immediately respond to a sign of respect and sympathy toward whatever goal or desire has been thwarted. Challenging this individual's bitterness will result in a strong negative response. 

My clients in EVE Online sure are pissy.
"Don't transport those crates of slaves," says the Gallente Federation and the Minmatar Republic, "or we'll be REALLY MAD AT YOU"
Cha whatever.
Crates of slaves one trip, crates of cigarettes the next trip.
Crate of hardcore porno the next.
I don't give a shit. Pay me and it's whatever.
It's going onto my ship.
And don't worry, Minmatar, I'll move to your side five seconds before you get so pissy you throw an elementary school level tantrum and stop talking to me.
Due to the brilliant way this game was engineered (I can't put enough sarcasm quotes around brilliant or engineered so I won't even try) doing missions for you will piss the Amarr and Caldari off less than how much they currently like me.
So if you just juggle that shit back and forth ad nauseum eventually everyone in the game likes you.
Of course this can cause a case of burnout so bad people quit (I've known people to) so it's best to temper this with something that less resembles a real life job.

The state of your life is causing you to make compromises and to change your manner of living to better deal with the future that you plan for yourself. This is causing stress and anxiety, though were times better suited to you, you would be able to find satisfaction in your relationships with others. You see your problems as being temporary ones and so you are willing to forgo pleasures for the present in order to achieve your goals.

Welcome to being an adult, I guess.
Life is a nightmare~

I want Knuckles
From Sonic the Hedgehog. I want to find him... Where is he?

Uhh--
he's a video game character so currently he's very busy being fictional.
Oh fuck you Zoar & Sons I wanted a story mission for Imperial Shipment
fucking goddamn it now it's going to take even longer to grind reputation for these assholes.

I think I have something weird going on. My mind shifts between these... states.

Also, for some reason I feel more and more interested in blood.

I don't get it.

It's okay.
You're just stone cold, bat fuck insane.
Zoar & Sons wants me to rescue a Caldari spy of theirs before she gets thrown out an airlock.
Sounds like a personal problem to me--
The only interaction I've had with these people has been me moving crate after crate of porno and cigarettes to their space station. What makes them think I can destroy Gallente Navy ships?
Now I have to log on to the other character and move her to position--
this game.
Here's some furry fanfiction I'm not reading one word of--

Hi everyone, my name's Lenny. I've been hanging around here a lot so I thought I'd say something. Just a "hello". I'm 12 and my birthday is February 11th (but obviously we celebrate them on out physical birthday), and I'm a fox-squirrel. I've been here for a while but haven't really wanted to use the body. Now I want to experience this.

I'm not really a writer or an artist but I might do some work sometime.

I'm not sure what else to say. Just... "hello".

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's (?) now writing as if she's another person entirely.
Did you know Thomas Edison believed we all had 12 little people living on our brains?
Ok now is where shit gets real.
I hope you're seriously ready for some shit
because it's coming

In light of my recent social developments, my "big bro" Liam told me that I should work out who Matt is, now that I have been given the opportunity to be him in a setting apart from online. This is a bit difficult, given how I see myself in general, but there is one thing I've been wanting to say and this is the place where I can say it.

Okay.

Flutters is Fluttershy. That is a fact that we all accept. Likewise, there are others here who feel as if their energy matches that of "fictional" (I use this term very loosely, but I can't think of another) characters. I guess I'm one of them, but I'm not a pony. It's hard to say for sure, though, because I also identify as multiple and have had several "characters" from various medias interact with my system in some form.

She's not a pony so you know
there is that
in case you thought she was an equine.
Nah I'm being facetious. Of course she means My Little Pony-- AKA the worst thing to ever happen to the internet.
I'm still debating the meaning of her putting "fictional" in quotes and "various characters interacting with my system".

Matt is another matter entirely. He is from the series Death Note, and although he has a very minor role... it just clicked. A roleplay I did with Liam only cemented what I knew was going to happen before I even touched the series.

I am Matt. I don't know entirely what that means, but... I just... Yeah. It fits so much that even after a few months, I'm still in awe.

So she watched an anime called Death Note and decided--
through some undescribed and likely nonsensical and crazy explanation--
that she is the fictional character.
What the fuck?
Here's a post entitled "The wrong things"

Gender
weight
face
hair

EVERYTHING IS WROOOOONG.
WHAT AM I FIGHTIIIIING FOOOOOOR?
So did you get all that?
This is a female who wants to be a male anime character but that character (I guess) in her mind is also a furry.
So it's a woman
who wants to be a man
who wants to be a 12 year old squirrel/fox hybrid.
Got it yet?
Let me break it down further:
female > male anime character> fox/squirrel hybrid

Sooo tired.

But happy.

I had an amazing night out with an old elementary school friend of mine and her boyfriend (both of whom are trans). We went to the transgender support group, then went out for coffee with a few people from the group, then went to McDonalds for something quick to eat. And I got called Matt the entire time (though I did get called she by the lady who served us at McDonalds, but I don't have a chest binder so I guess that's not really avoidable).

And there are support groups for this.
There are enough people out there that think like this that they band together.
Do you know how many hours I spent finding a tutorial that was coherent on the subject of planetary interaction in EVE Online?
Like five hours that took.
Five fucking hours.
I could have found a support group for people that are transanime faster than I could a tutorial for a video game.
What is happening in life?

This is exactly the thing I've needed for so fucking long. Words cannot explain how I feel...

Just.

Yes.

Well it couldn't have been that fucking long because Death Note has only been out for a couple of years.
I've wanted to be a robot since I was like four but at some point you just have to acknowledge some things aren't meant to be.

Hearing some of the girls talk about their experiences (there were a lot of FtMs there, like probably 6 or 7, but most of them didn't talk much) really put a reality to everything I've been feeling lately. Like I'd read articles and watch documentaries and talk to people online, but actually sitting and hearing others talk about it in real life is just.

Yeah.

This reminds me of that (maybe) trolling blog where the guy calls himself a transnigger but you can't get offended by his use of that word because he's black on the inside--
God that was the funniest thing on the internet.
Social justice warriors up in arms.

It makes everything feel... tangible? Yeah. Like something that's real, and not that you just hear in the news or whatever.

There were a lot of people there, though, more than they expected, so it was kinda hard for me to talk at times and my friends kept telling me to not be so shy, haha.

It was still cool, though, and I'm so happy I finally got to do this.

I believe I've said this before but on the outside I'm a scrawny white guy but inside I'm an Imperial Fists chaplain.
You think you're oppressed but there are steps you can take to appear masculine.
The genetic and cybernetic augmentations I need don't exist.
WOE IS ME
My favorite superhero
The only correct answers are Superman or Batman.

Spiderman. That is all.

lol
Incidentally did you see the preview for that new Batman game?
Arkham Chronicles or whatever?
That shit looks off
the
fucking
chain

It's nearly six AM, and I haven't slept. I've spent the better part of the past three hours or so browsing YouTube for documentaries on transgender people (mostly children), and it occurred to me that I've never really talked about my own, personal experiences regarding it.

1.92 standing with Imperial Shipment currently WOOO GETTING THERE
ONLY NEED 6.67
Anyway sorry you were talking about bullshit.

This is mainly because I figure there is no point to it, since I don't hide who I am online. I have no need to officially 'come out' - the transfurs and FtM groups in my journal footer are enough for anyone who views my page to know.

Transfurs.
Need help in a video game?
Hey fuck you, buddy. Figure that shit out on your own you freak.
Transfurs?
Yeah we have a couple groups right here. Which do you need?

When I first started this account in 2008, I presented myself as a cisgender (basically, not transgender; 'biological') male. This was before I even fully realized that was what I was, and at the time thought myself to be some freaky tween (I was 13) chick who pretended to be a guy on the internet, because maybe she wished she was. I learned about FtM (female-to-male) transmen a year later, from an episode of Maury my mom had left on the TV, and everything seemed to click immediately

I am transspacemarine

It wasn't until 2010 when I started really exploring the idea of being transgender. I had spent the past few months in a relationship with a straight guy who I had convinced myself I loved enough to be a girl for him. Naturally, that didn't work out too well, but once I was out of that I was free to be who I wanted online. I joined a support site for transpeople, and a lot of the guys on there helped me figure out just what it meant to be a transman. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was a freak because pretty much every one of them felt similar things to what I had always felt.

#420yolo

I figured that was fine, because what was another three years? The problem was, the Internet was (and still is) my only outlet.

OH SHIT THE INTERNET IS YOUR ONLY OUTLET
OH NO
You know not to pull that card but you could have real problems.
You could be at war or something.

I'm not sure exactly what to say, but I feel like I should say something. It's been a little while since I posted a regular entry, and much has happened in the past few days. I gained a girlfriend (Sesame) and got back in contact with Flutters. That isn't the purpose for this post, though. Every so often I like to do posts describing who I am. It serves a few purposes, but predominately it helps me to figure out how I view myself and figure out where I am in my growth.

IN MY GROWTH OF MENTAL ILLNESS.

But I don't know how to do that this time.

My true identity. What is my true identity? I sometimes use characters like Gaara or Zuko to represent myself, but I for the most part I present as someone separate. For unification purposes, I go by either Matt or Jerry, but underneath that presentation exists a deeper world. It functions much similar to Earth, with a few key differences:

- The inhabitants are anthropomorphic animals
- 'Rules' are looser
- It functions as if it knows that it is a world that exists on a different realm, set apart from what most know as reality.

Within this world exists huge masses of land and ocean, but for the most part only a small section of it is the focus.

So she's transplanet.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY?
So you had a thought about a planet filled with furries and you decided that was somehow your identity?
Did you know you can have thoughts and that's not who you are?
Why just today I was thinking about trying Star Wars: The Old Republic again (because it's free to play now and I want to relive the glory days of how fucking bad that game was) but then I said "naw, man, that ain't me" and at no point did I stop to think "wait, what if I am Star Wars?"
Not even a Jedi or like a guy who adapts the philosophy of Star Wars to real world applications (I can understand doing the latter) but actually being the franchise.

Among my nearly 500 characters/ocs/fursonas/whatever you want to call them, there are two I gravitate to more frequently to express my online identity with: Jerry and Matt. In addition to that, there is also Aiden who, although not as often seen, is somewhat of a midpoint between the two. I decided to describe the three of them and what they mean to me, and their connections to my life. I may do this with my other characters, but I am not sure.

Wait, wait, no, no.
No, not the transanime Matt or the furry planet persona but here is yet a third (and fourth and fifth) persona.
I told you motherfuckers it was going to get loud.

 Matt
Matt is the identity I present as more often, because he is the closest to my irl self (with a bit of wish-writing here-and-there), and if you know me you probably know me under this name (TigerFoxMatt as the username). Matt (full name Matthew Leonard, although he prefers to just go by Matt) is a seventeen-year-old fox who has been with me ever since 2005, and has grown and developed alongside me. In a lot of ways, he created my identity (or rather, I formed it around his image).

Well it's still more coherent than VALIS I guess.

Jerry, my main cub fursona, will be turning five on June 8th (the numerical opposite of my birthday, August 6th). Coincidentally, June 3rd will mark my 5th year on FurAffinity, but that wasn't the reason for me aging him up. I simply felt it would fit my personal growth in the physical world.

God what is happening

1. I started this blog.
2. I had and lost a girlfriend.
3. I attempted suicide, twice.

Pretty casual about that.
EH TRIED TO KILL MYSELF NO BIG
Post entitled:

I wish I was incontinent, somewhat

What the actual fuck?
Apparently this person has just turned 18.
I know I shouldn't be surprised but frankly I've been used to these women being well into their 40s.

What I am insecure about:

1. My weight
2. My gender
3. My sexuality
4. The idea that I am multiple
5. My fetishes
6. My being a furry
7. My being a cub

All right I get it.
Another post about how fucked up she is but only the internet understands--

I am a writer and an artist, but I don't really consider myself that. My writing is merely me writing down what goes on in the people inside my head's life. Some would say that kind of thinking makes me nuts, and that I'm just a no-good loser who can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

I'd say this entry has been an extended version of that, yes.

To that, I say, you might want to reconsider what 'reality' means.

OH SHIT
CHECK YOUR FUCKING REALITY PRIVILEGE, ME.

"You can't prove these stories are actually happening!"

And you can't disprove them.

Burden of proof is on you, however. I can't prove a negative.
You can prove a positive.
God fuck this blog.
Fuck everything.
Fuck it.