HUH HUH WELCOME FRIENDS

Whining introspection.
I picked this blog because it was the first one I could read that I didn't have to agree I was 18 or older to even see.
I know how much of a cunt you people are is frankly shocking and shouldn't be observed by pregnant women or people with heart conditions but come the fuck on.

This is sort of a last social purgation to finish my series on fear and identity. My previous postings hinted at, but did not fully discuss, how I understand relationships and belonging. This abstract sense of being intrinsically linked to other people is something I at least believe I understand, but it is not something I am fully comfortable with experiencing.

I AM A SEX POSITIVE TRANSQUEER WOMYN
What do you want to bet that's what's following.
I fucking guarantee you this won't end normally.
Well, "normally" in a relative sense because that is totally normal for blogs.

As before, this is because I'm a quietly introverted social mirror. I certainly know what I would like to experience, and I certainly gravitate towards like-minded people and people I care for as a result. But when it comes to actual socialization, I am deeply, deeply fretful that my mannerisms, apparent attitude, cognitive preconditions, and pre-existing social baggage will all get in the way. So, I try mirroring the actions of others. This process often fails. To say this makes me ineffectual would be the pinnacle of understatement: it makes me socially awkward in a caricatured, almost sitcom-meets-cartoonish kind of way. 

Lol not anticipating what people want to hear and just telling them that
When you remove all emotion from your social interactions it's almost comical how easy social choices are to make.
I usually inject it back in for the sake of keeping it intriguing.

I have a chronic fear of visible failure. This is especially true in the context of potential passive-aggressive and resentful behavior.

I attribute much of this to my heritage: among other social values, my family raised me to only present my best successes to the world and secretly hide all of my failures. Meanwhile, I grew up in an extremely extroverted and charisma-based society that was heavily obsessed with cataloging and preserving gossip. 

This ill-equipped me to build an identity for myself, as identity construction took more of a back seat to manipulating my social image to prevent exposure. 

Isn't that an asset?
Not having a social identity in society?
I mean all the emo "WHO AM IIIIIIIIII?" bullshit aside that would be incredibly useful. You could change who you are as the situation demanded.

It made me paranoid: I simply couldn't let my non-Christian spirituality, my bizarre kinks, or my personal desire to be with other like-minded people, out of my head. I was quizzed for compliance regularly, and in middle and high school, openly attacked if I failed this compliance check on a semi-daily basis.

Everyone is attacked in high school.
Best be on the offensive, then.
Also attacked for your non-Christian spirituality, really?
That's your own fault, then. If you can't concoct a Christian viewpoint on command then it's your own fault.
It's not like most people pay attention to their own religion anyway so if you just say the right buzzwords you'll be through.

This acquired fear and manipulative tendency quickly made me a highly competent social chameleon in my then-home state. However, this failed utterly around people whom knew me better, spent longer amounts of time around me, and generally anyone with whom I tried to maintain a long-lasting and ongoing social relationship with or wanted to get to know better. They got to see someone that is extremely evasive, persnickety, and uncomfortable about people getting close to him, for the simple fear that they'll see through the facade and not like what they see. This even applies self-referentially: I'm not convinced I'm an especially good person, for the simple reason that I do not actually know the sort of person that I am.

>Not manufacturing a personality based on what they'd want the "true you" to be
wow are you new at this bullshit or what

I have great difficulty finding my voice with others. While I take more of a measured stance online, interpersonal communication is simply too immediate for me. I am frequently caught flatfooted, feeling as if I've planted one of those flat feet firmly in my mouth for the duration of conversation, and I frequently feel remiss with much of what I've said after the fact.

If you're a girl on the internet (like I think you are) the male mutants online will be instantly agreeable and submissive to you.
If you're caught flatfooted online as a woman you are mentally deficient in at least one category.
Likely all categories.

What this displays is a fundamental insecurity of mine that shapes many of my actions. I am extremely fretful of how my previous actions color how people see me, even if they may have no reflection on my future performance or behavior.

Didn't she say before she was finishing a series on this?
I was lead to believe there'd be a few whining posts about this then it was back to bitching about whatever it is white women bitch about.
This is apparently all she talks about.

This is, for the most part, a product of my heritage. I grew up within a highly conservative, and for the most part judgmental, family. This same family has been known to take its facts primarily as immutable and at face value. Without wishing to do so, I internalized this view as a representation of how others would see me... and began to deeply fear resentment and bigotry as a result.

Ooooooooooookay.

Character Respec through Learning

What the fuck does that mean
Speaking of character respec through learning (that reads even worse after I typed it) I have a neural remap in EVE Online coming up June 11th.

In hindsight, when I rolled my character for this lifetime, I made some pretty good decisions. Among them, starting out with high CON and DEX scores, plus several points invested into INT, did me a lot of good. 

Holy shit it is a character respec.
Also contrary to what every single video game teachers you the best stats in real life are intelligence, wisdom and charisma.
The rest of that shit is incidental.

The downside is, I also took a lot of character-specific disadvantages to compensate, in the hopes that the innate creativity and versatility welded into my character sheet would get me out of the more difficult binds.

Common and semi-irrelevant disadvantages aside (really, who didn't take Fear of Spiders at the first available opportunity?),

>being afraid of spiders
no I get this is supposed to be a joke kinda thing but goddamn son.

I'm realizing that Social Aversion and Lack of Empathy have seriously been harming me. These were required to attain high competency in the Video Games and Game Design skill branches, but what I didn't anticipate was the additional penalty to all rolls when determining the intentions of others.

20 points into bluff and you can bluff your way through empathy checks.
COME ON MAN GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM.
RPG 101 HERE. COVER YOUR WEAKNESSES.

As a result, I ask stupid questions. A lot of stupid questions. An insane number of stupid questions. And the net impact on my friends, my family, and my coworkers is people either don't understand me or build very low respect in my abilities over time, because this communication carries tremendous up-front costs. It also erodes my confidence and weathers the quality of how my work is presented, eventually giving me an (undeserved?) aura of well-meaning incompetence. 

The effects of low wisdom and charisma right here.
Hope those extra points of constitution were worth it, retard.

This situation, to put it bluntly, sucks. I'd like to fix it, because hovering a scant two or three rolls above crippling depression and self-harm isn't a very nice place to be in for even a moment, much less a lifetime.

Well as a human you get a prestige every 4 levels so just pick that feat that bumps a stat up 1 point a few times.
Sounds like you over invested in skills to compensate for a low stat line.
I see this a lot.
You do realize mathematically in most RPGs your stats are far, far more important than your skills?

Other than reading books on the subject and trying to digest several lifetimes worth of qualia and communicated experiences (which I intend to do as soon as feasibly possible), I don't know quite what else I can do to work around or fix this. I do know that it will steadily improve with skill investment (neural enmeshment of ideas in the brain, eventually converging on the desired skills, is Really Cool in general)

>neural enmeshment
What the fuck does that mean?

Compounding my problem is the fact that I'm in a situation where demands on my time are so astronomically high that I cannot easily seek the best help that I desire. I'm lucky if I get a few hours to myself anymore, much less a single day, and that time is spent recovering my energies, reconstructing my internal mental context, and avoiding people. 

"reconstructing my internal mental context"
I take it back. There is no way you're a woman.
A woman wouldn't make up this many terms in a single post to describe a simple idea.

I'm topically aware of the issues underlying my current class of disorder, and I would like to seek someone analytical and professional enough to not dismiss me out of hand or force me to withhold information for fear of bias.

Yeah I've got some therapy for you right here.
I'll give you a good slap right across the tits and tell you to man the fuck up.

So, I guess I'm otherwise out of ideas. Do you all have any? The low cost solution, in the form of reading and self-practice, is available and something I already intend to pursue.

Just read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and The Prince by Machiavelli and stop being such a bitch.
I'd recommend Caesar's writings but he already assumes you're at the "I'm not a pussy" stage in your life so his training is a bit too advanced.
Gotta be like level 30 for that shit.

[Trigger Warning: rape.]

THANK THE FUCK CHRIST THIS WAS HERE.

As an infovore, one of my biggest difficulties is prioritizing the information that I need for daily decision making. I receive and digest about 150 new articles a day from 154 separate news feeds (after several pruning passes). 

Maybe that's part of your problem.
I just pick the most interesting "trending" topic on Yahoo and read one article.
It might be something vaguely important or it might be the latest Amanda Bynes Tweet.
There really is no telling.
It's my contention that in history there is a rank to the importance of historical events and nothing that significant has happened in my lifetime.

Tonight, I lost $2.35 on the streets of San Francisco to what was likely a professional busker.* Surprisingly, I do not regret the transaction at all; as below, it gave me the opportunity to analyze my own social vulnerabilities while paying a professional for his experience.

I was talking to a bro about this recently.
A busker is a douchey term for a street performer, incidentally.
How presumptuous is it that these people expect money from me because I happen to be in the same proximity of them while they're playing a song?
I didn't ask you to play, dipshit. I don't see how this requires me to open my wallet.

While returning from a late meal at 11:25PM, a lanky fellow in his late twenties or early thirties approached me wearing a heavy backpack, clean denim jeans, and a dark T-shirt. He initially asked me for bus fare, claiming that he was a lost college student, and repeatedly stating that it wasn't for drug money as he "wasn't a druggie." Despite his plea, I declined his initial request on impulse. 

Well shit if you were I'd have given you some cash.
Taking drugs is a serious problem.
I'm now judging you as a lazy piece of shit.
I mean what does that imply?
What are the four options here?

• Druggie living on the streets
• insane person living on the streets
• hard working, down on his luck guy on the streets
• lazy piece of shit on the streets

three of these deserve help so let's break this right down on why he isn't one of those:
he says he's not a druggie.
I doubt it but I'll take his word for it. With no real evidence to the contrary I'll have to take it at face value.
His argument is presented in a coherent way and while that isn't indicative of mental health you can usually tell the crazies when they walk up to you and they don't make a case like that.
If he was just down on his luck wouldn't he just say that instead of deflecting attention from the most likely cause of him being homeless?
So the only conclusion I'm left with is he's a lazy piece of shit.

At this point, he thanked me for my time and left in the direction of the route 36 bus that had just appeared on Third and Market, which had just stopped on its northeasternly journey. It was empty, sans the bus driver, and he started to politely tap on the door to hail the driver without sparing a single look back towards me. It was at this point that I decided his story had a chance of being genuine; after all, he had taken many of the right steps to confirm his story and had maintained consistency after being greylisted.

Also should have planned your shit out better, idiot.

After money changed hands, he gave me additional routing information. As the story went, he wished to take "the 30" bus to his house in Monteca, repeatedly stating that he had only been here for 7 days and didn't know any of the routes. Neither did I, but a quick search on Google confirmed the route was correct and had a timetable one block away to take him where he needed to go. At this point, I was given a profuse showing of relief and an impromptu hug (hey, this is San Francisco), and he quickly departed. I smelled no odor of any drugs on him, so at that point, I assumed he was probably clean.

>odor of drugs
pop quiz, moron: what does heroin smell like?
 Also this isn't a busker.
This is a guy begging.
Buskers are entertainers.
It's a form of begging, sure, but at least you get to see a drunk guy warble out the first few bars of a Santana song.

In fact, I would have been completely convinced his story was genuine, until he hailed a pickup truck and could loudly be heard giving his thanks to the driver from across the intersection, plausibly for the same story.

Did I get ripped off? Probably. But it was worth it, to analyze exactly what social engineering was required to trigger compassion over the possibility of physical loss.

Hope you learned from this.
A solitary crack in your armor will be exploited for full effect.
No matter how small it is someone will find it.
Better hope it doesn't lead anywhere important.

Yesterday, my significant other made one of the most difficult decisions in his life by coming out to 155 of his friends and family. This is the first time he's told them that he's transgender, and it marks his first week of chemical therapy. 

Oh shit
does that count as what I said before?
About the transqueer womyn thing?

I'm quite proud of him. It's taken him several years to come to this decision, and now that he has, I will do everything I can to support him through his transition. It also means, pragmatically speaking, that I've gone from a heterosexual relationship to a homosexual one without switching partners, and I surprisingly have no problem with this.

 Oh so it's a chick
that's becoming a dude--

Whenever shit like this happens in a blog I only have one reaction.
MY CONFUSION IS JUST STARTING.

I think it's pretty amazing that we live in a world where, upon discovering whom we are on the inside, we can choose to become that person. It jives very well with my sense of the body as an avatar of self-expression and a manifestation of inner being, and I will continue to support efforts to make it easier, less dangerous, and more socially acceptable to make this type of decision.

(Of course, I'm very much a transhumanist by trade... but I suppose that goes with the territory.)

No fuck you. Transhumanism is a philosophy that espouses transcending your mortal shell and becoming more than human.
Your girlfriend realized she could be more of a man than you are and is now on a quest to prove herself right.
Typical transhumanist: brain augmentation
You: find out that by boning a chick you're somehow gay for it.
Man we have different outlooks on life.
I'm not saying mine is superior and you need to run a check but
check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

Current Music: FFX, "To Zanarkand"

I'd have gone with Mi'ihen Highroad myself but that's an ok choice. 

One of the most interesting things about being otherkin is, alongside therians and similar groups, we're among the few that can substantively explain what it's like to be more than human. 

THE HITS KEEP ROLLIN'.

While our condition is one firmly rooted within the human experience, it also transcends beyond, letting loves and experiences we'd otherwise not express help define whom we are.

An illusion of perception.
Everything you have ever thought is firmly rooted in the here and the now and you are a fat, sweaty nerd.
No amount of mental illness can ever divorce you from that shell.

I'm not sure why that seems fundamentally broken to some people. When you strip out all of the mysticism, woo, and notions of past lives and prior existences from the equation, what you're left with is this group of people interested in simulating how they wish they could be.

That's called an escapist fantasy, idiot.
The otherkin shit is specifically the mysticism and the past lives and the furry porn.

We're just a group that, given half the chance, might want to shed the mantle of humanity entirely.

Gross.
You people aren't allowed in my philosophical realm.
Transhumanism isn't about becoming a gay dragon.
And I hit the first post.
Thank fuck.