I know I've spoken at large (this is the fifth entry on the subject) but the most recent entry was this one.
I rather enjoy my opening to this post:
Like a dog returning to its vomit, I find myself returning to the subject of THE MEANEST MOM (ALL CAPS POWERS ACTIVATE!)
It's like it's written to compel you to read further or something.
How do I do it?
Well enough of tooting my own horn, let's begin.
This morning I went to the post office to mail a couple last minute gifts. Everything went fine, except for the fact that somehow I managed to get my dad's Christmas gift stuck in the mail bin.
Recurring theme in this blog: she does something stupid and expects the world to fix it for her.
TYPICAL WOMAN AM I RIGHT GUYS?
Wow that was really uncalled for, even by my usual standards.
After waiting in a ridiculously long line, I notified the woman at the front counter of my predicament. She told me that what happened to me "happens all the time" and that someone would "try" to get the package out later that afternoon.
Ha, ha wow you're getting trolled hardcore.
"If another customer doesn't figure out a way to get to it first," she told me with a hysterical laugh.
Wow not only is she not going to do anything she doesn't even give a fuck if your shitty package gets stolen. I'd give this woman a high five.
I have something very special to give away this week!!!!!
It is incredibly awesome and something that every family would love to have in their home for the holiday season.
I'm not going to tell you what it is (surprises are rad),
A gun.
but I will give you two clues:
Oh I love these kind of games. I'm always spot on.
1. It's a gift that keeps on giving. I got it on Friday night, in the middle of Ikea, and still have it!!!!!
A deep dicking.
2. You won't be able to keep it to yourself! This gift is not for the stingy. No matter how hard you try to keep it all to yourself, it will be nearly impossible not to share it with somebody.
Definitely a deep dicking.
Also stop getting on my shit about my spelling, Firefox. Dicking is so a word.
I love a good giveaway and this one is, I'm sure you'll all agree, pretty awesome!!!!
I bet it's a cold, eh heh heh heh I like my suggestion better.
Last week, the family who lives across the street got a dog.
Today, a man came and installed an invisible fence around their yard. The concept is genius: every time the dog crosses the line, it gets a little bit electrocuted.
Radio waves, actually.
This weekend, my husband and I took our older kids on a short cruise to the Bahamas. We specifically left Cameron at home so we could do some fun activities together as a family.
Yeah fuck you Cameron. Too young to remember shit anyway.
I do enjoy the implication that Cameron was left home alone at the ripe old age of 3 or whatever he is now.
I shouldn't have bothered.
All my kids wanted to do the whole time was watch television in their cabin.
Amazingly cruises aren't too interesting to 10 year olds.
"We didn't come here to watch T.V.," I told them. "Let's go check out the buffet or something."
Lesson of the day: staying home saves money and all the fun activities are already there.
My husband ticked off the options on his fingers. "How about ping pong?" he asked. "Or shuffleboard or basketball? At 3 o'clock, we can learn how to fold towels into the shape of animals."
I came 2000 miles to play basketball?
Dad, have you ever heard of a playground?
Or, no, my mistake: shuffleboard. What year is this? How old are you people?
On Saturday night, I went to the grocery store. Before I left the house, I asked if anyone wanted to go with me.
No. No one wants to be near you. Away with ye.
My husband and Cortlen ignored me (they were watching a football game). Camber came into the room with a brush, a bottle of hair spray, and two packages of glittery hair clips.
"I would go, but I have things to do," she explained
I understand. I, too, am often busy.
I didn't really want to take Kellen because he looked like a homeless person, but by the time I found my keys, he was already in the car.
The drive to the grocery store took exactly three minutes...plenty of time, I learned, to have a conversation about just everything in the entire planet.
Or everything worth talking about, anyway.
Also I like how she doesn't want to take the one kid because he looks homeless but isn't that kind of the responsibility of the parents to, I dunno, raise their kids or something? Is this kid living in such Spartan conditions that he can look homeless?
Kellen: "Do you know what? I wouldn't go walking in the woods right now. You wouldn't be able to see a panther because it's so dark. Isn't that crazy?"
Yes, the wild panthers of Florida.
Me: "Why are we talking about panthers?"
Panthers are fucking rad is why. The kid's right. They blend into the night, then they melt out of the shadows and maul you to death. A day in the life of an average panther is 100 times more awesome than your entire existence, woman.
Kellen: "Do you know what? If a rabid dog bites you, you have to get three shots in your arm that are as thick as peanut butter. Did you know that?"
And back in the day it was 20 shots in the gut. Be glad you were born when you were.
The scene: an overpriced department store
The purpose for our visit: to purchase a $100 group gift card for a relative who just had a baby
Ah fuck I just got disconnected from my game in the middle of splitting a wind crystal. Well there's 1 crystal down the drain.
And now it thinks I'm still logged in. Oh, right. What are you taking about that's of no significance?
After paying for the item, I put the card in my purse. My kids were quiet until we got outside. And then they let me have it.
"You paid $100 for that?" Camber screeched. "That's a total rip-off!"
Oh Christ who even cares?
Camber spends her money the instant that she gets it, usually on things that I abhor.
"It would be great if you didn't buy that tub full of tiny beads," I told her as she plopped the object into my shopping cart this afternoon.
This is where guidance and parenting come in I understand.
Or you could not crush the life out of your children, I dunno.
It really is your fault for having so many.
One of my greatest joys in life is picking up thousands of microscope beads off the floor...one by one.
Oh what's it like living in the fucking stone age? I was about to say "you know a vacuum would expedite the process" but come to think of it so would a fucking broom and dust pan.
"Christmas is coming soon," I begged. "Maybe Santa will get it for you."
Yeah nice try your kids are like 10. Way too old to fall for shit like that.
My kids aren't the smartest kids in the universe, but they have enough brain cells to know that the Santa that comes to their house doesn't love them as much as the Santa that comes to their friends' houses.
WHY WOULD YOU HAVE CHILDREN IF THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF THEM?
What, there weren't enough people in the world to experience your cuntiness you had to produce four of your own to show?
And it really took you a long time to realize that maybe you shouldn't have had any at all. I understand two are twins (which is knowing more about your life than any stranger should know) but even then that means you gave this pregnancy and childbearing, not to mention raising thing four goes.
"Santa would never buy me something like that because hates us," my daughter told me. "All he buys me are books and toys without batteries."
WELL PSYCHE OUT MOTHERFUCKERS THIS YEAR WE'RE GETTING A PS-TRIPLE.
Since ascending into adulthood, I have been a member of 17 book clubs. Or so it feels.
Ascending.
The Temple of the Emperor Ascendant is all I can think of for some reason.
That's where Reclusiarch Grimaldus had his last stand at Hellsreach, wasn't it?
Oh thanks for letting me back into FFXIV, SE. Only took you 13 fucking minutes.
All right bitch, back to your alembic. We got wind shards to make.
Unlike most other social events, I find book clubs to be thoroughly enjoyable. On all but two occasions, I have read the assigned book and then neglected to show up for the meeting to discuss it.
I would be the worst at book clubs. I'd just tell the entire club what we should read, call their selections stupid and then do what I wanted anyway.
"You don't like book clubs," my husband corrected. "You like reading lists."
Last week, I joined my eighteenth book club. The first meeting was in a conference room at the public library. The book club leader began the meeting by asking each of us to make a list of things that we like to read about.
I want to read Hellsreach again. The best Warhammer book ever.
Actually Legion is better by a slim margin.
I didn't know what to write first, so I put down "infectious diseases."
I have to give credit where credit is due: that sounds like something I would suggest.
"Like the Swine Flu?" the woman asked when she got to my paper.
"And HIV and Cholera and the Black Death," I added.
Fuck yeah.
All of the other lists in the room included mythical creatures.
HURRR TWILIGHT.
Let's read The Faerie Queene instead. MOTHERFUCKIN' SAINT GEORGE KILLS THE FUCK OUT OF A DRAGON.
Then lands some sweet Elven pussy, man that guy was a baller.
Yeah it sounds like the gayest thing ever written. The Fairy Queen, really?
But it's just hiding the most awesome thing ever written, practically.
It's like that movie Troy. It stars Brad Pitt as Achilles and you think "wow, Brad Pitt as a Greek. This is going to be homoerotic" and the first thing I see when I turn it on is Achilles throwing a spear through a guy's shield and through his fucking head.
Awesome.
All this week, my kids have been making drafts of Christmas lists. On Sunday, the final lists are due. Today we held a peer review.
Uh-huh. Why?
I can't even get 9th graders to do this activity correctly. How are you going to get 10 year olds to do it?
When Cortlen saw who was going to review his list, he started to cry. Camber cackled and rubbed her hands together in anticipation and excitement.
Just some good ol'-fashioned sadism I guess.
"Now I want you to circle three things on the list that you think the author would like the most," I told them.
I had no idea where this exercise was going or what purpose it served,
Oh. I was kind of joking about the sadism thing but I can't say I'm surprised.
Kellen was a good listener and circled everything on the list in front of him.
Camber wrote the word "butt" on Cortlen's list and had to be excused from the table.
Cortlen was so upset by what his sister did that he stabbed her paper with his pencil and had to be excused from the table as well.
Santa watched the whole spectacle through his magic telescope as he whispered "Merry Christmas" in my ear.
Well to be fair you kind of brought this on yourself.
Why would you even do something like this? I can't even begin to get the vague impression of the point of this activity outside of--
oh good, check it out:
Surplus EXP now.
Whatever, I'm leveling through that. Too close to the cap anyway to care about such nonsense.
I didn't even know you could get fatigue on EXP. Did I just discover this?
Oh right, you.
Uhhh--
In conclusion, you're a cunt.
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