Based Korea

North Korea is best Korea.

i sleep in the most distorted positions and wake up to confused stares too fucking often. last night i fell asleep on my stomach with my right leg completely tucked under my body and my left leg normally and somehow didn't wake up a paraplegic. 

Do a lot of people watch you sleep or something?
How do you wake up to confused stares (plural)?
OOOR ARE YOU SOME KINDA FUCKING WHOOOORE

i regret plenty of things, i'm grateful that none of them involve other people. jesus christ, the last thing i need on my conscience is to owe anyone anything, especially something as essentially meaningless as an apology. i have already apologized to everyone for everything. sometimes rebounds happen before the relationship is over, i should know this better than anyone. (those two statements are not related.) i'm actually not in love with myself, despite what everyone else thinks. 

So you just act like a cunt, you're not actually a cunt?
That's some Zen logic I guess.
Zen logic in reverse. Jesus Christ.

i miss you, but not like everyone else misses you. - yana (this is the most echoed sentiment in my ears lately.)

my new favorite color is green, my new favorite season is spring. a long time ago it was red and fall. i'm okay with things coming back to life.

i wonder how many car accidents there were today.

Would you believe these disconnected sentences about nothing are in fact the same post and I haven't edited anything?
Also how many car accidents were there today?
One fewer than there needed to be if you're still alive.

the fact that i've seen what staph looks like under a microscope and still have it in me to stick my hand in my mouth, all my face holes inches away from where several other people's asses live, finger fuck the flap of skin at the back of my throat until i have nothing left in my stomach either says so much about one thing or so little about another.

ANOREXIA/BULIMIA BLOG ALERT!
I didn't know otherwise I would have not read this.
Fuck it I'm going in!

there's something sick and sad about someone who has spent the majority of your time together taking you for granted saying to you one day 'you deserve better'

ha ha ha
ha

no, really. i appreciate the sentiment but coming from someone with such little regard for my feelings it means almost nothing.

there's something fucked up about the man who cheated on me asking me why i'm angry and then when my answer is 'because you made poor choices' he feels "bashed". he keeps telling me it's the way you're saying it. and admittedly i have been trying to tiptoe around his feelings, cry more quietly, feel more softly. because i love him and always will despite this. i may not be in love with him anymore but i will always love him.

but then today i thought. holy shit, you cheated on me! why is how my pain makes you feel the most urgent issue here?

piece of shit, all of them

"I make shitty life decisions and date assholes"
"all men are therefore assholes"
White wahms

when he first broke the news i sat in bed, rocking myself back and forth crying and involuntarily repeating the words oh man. in the days following, i broke down in tears over a peanut butter sandwich, in the bathroom taking a piss, staring at myself in the mirror, numerous times in bed and in showers, driving to and from work, tying my shoes, grocery shopping, walking to my car from my car.

"Walking to my car from my car"
Errr--

i didn't immediately leave and then i did and he said, 'i will fix this, i will fix it, i will be the best man that i can to you for the rest of your life because you deserve it', and i thought about it, and about why it hit so hard. then i remembered a similar jarring realization i'd had about 5 years ago regarding my parents, and the fact that even though i had spent so many years looking to them for truth and guidance and love, they are not infallible mutants. they're human with human wants and selfish needs, he too is human. i put all of my faith in his perfection that did not exist.

so i says to him, i says: i love you so much and i forgive you. neither one of those things means i am coming back.

UHHHHHHHH

i danced today and rediscovered some of my favorite music. i shaved my legs for the first time this year last night, climbed into clean sheets, pulled the curtains open, listened to the cars drive on wet pavement and watched the sky turn from grey to black to pink. i woke up this morning still feeling good. i masturbated and did not cry. 

>Shaved my legs for the first time this year
>post made: March 28
I'm not excusing his shitty behavior but I think I see why he's cheating.
Make
an
effort

merry christmas. i fucking hate myself.

I hate you too.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE FUTURE.

6AM narcissism and mania is the best tasting thing in the world next to the blood in my mouth from chewing my face. after being the best daughter ever and eating all the mashed potatoes in the world, the whole thing, I came back to my apartment so I could be naked everywhere. i lie on the couch naked, eat my fingernails naked, fold the laundry naked, watch the Dow plummet naked. I wish it was December so I could sit on my boyfriend's face and contemplate things like genetic algorithms while concentrating on his muffled sighs and imagining the way I'll sign my name after we're married.

Lol so deep and poetic
Protip: he's cheating on you.

Also the fact you "wished it was December" so he'd dig out your blood-streaked spam sandwich with his tongue tells me it's a long distance relationship and as we all know those are doomed to failure.
my internal thoughts never leave the confines of my interior mind or any part of me, and the only parts of me that exist outside of myself are content, lost in the woods and staring at stars. i am concerned with little else. i'm proud of myself, everyone else is too.

I'm not proud of you in the slightest.
In fact, after getting up at 11, gawking at my Korean visa for a while, then playing video games all day this is probably the single most disappointing aspect of my day. Knowing you have to exist..

three years ago i wasn't eating or talking and my free will to make grown up adult decisions was being threatened by my dad trying to become my legal guardian. as if his authority over my right to do things, had anything at all to do with my mental state or the condition of my psyche.

CLEARLY YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
This blog is rapidly updating itself as I read it.
These entries are from 2012 and there are now about 7 more since I started from later dates.
I guess she's porting over from Livejournal or something.
Because, you know, one copy of this brilliance isn't enough. I need it in at least 5 locations.

the 60 degree weather at night has me excited for fall. i bought my huge water bottle two months too late. i'm turning 26 in nine days. i feel completely detached from almost everyone. i'm not sure how i feel about ghosts. sometimes the removal of a part is beneficial to the whole.

Oh huh I'm 26 and I'm going on a great adventure in a month. What's it like knowing your life is a dismal failure?

i've been contemplating suicide lately. in a completely non-dramatic let me just weigh all of the options kind of a way. this october is the worst one in four years. after the ssri's, ambien and benzos i mostly forgot about 2008's october so i can't fairly compare 2012 and 2008. i'm lucid this time around but only until i schedule a doctor's appointment. i don't feel shame in self-sedating when it means that i'll get to emerge in the spring, alive and breathing and at least live long enough to see if this ever gets easier.

that being said, if any of you click the comment link to tell me that yes, things get easier, or to "hang in there" i will delete you. i'm not kidding. obligatory sentiments however well intended only make these instances worse, for the record.

I can't believe anyone cares enough to even comment.
You're a fucking mess and not a fun one either.
You know evolution is just the creature most adapted to its environment. Increasingly, humanity is turning inwards so as humans become more and more connected and social the reality of needing to be socially graceful will be met and therefore I contend drains on the spirit like this need to be selected out of the gene pool.
There's an interesting idea for a story, in fact.
Also this is probably the fastest I've ever reviewed a blog. This is being generated as I review it.
UPDATES MIGHT BE SLOW NOW BUT NOTHING ESCAPES MY SIGHT.

today is the first day this week that my pupils have been dilated past the size of the point of a number two pencil. i'm not as concerned as i should be about all these lateral moves to nowhere or if i'm fulfilling a goal or becoming better or worse every day. the transitioning from warmer months into the colder ones always takes a toll on me. and for some reason i always emerge in the spring less than i was in september.

Hey
I got something to say
it's better to buuuuurn out
than fade away

i know too many people who have too much to say about fucking nothing.

Yeah and I'm reading one of their blogs right now.

i'm listening to john denver, opening windows, cleaning, simplifying my simplicity. i'm making yana write a book with me. i want to buy a telescope and travel to jordan. my favorite sound this week is the phlegm loosening from my chest. i'm writing my brother's senior thesis because i'm bored.


i enjoy spending time with myself more than i used to.

"Oh but," I'm sure she'd argue, "this is just a little bit about nothing."
Yeah well that's a moot argument. When there's something at all about nothing you've wasted my fucking time.
Fuck you.
70% of my time is spent studying in my underwear and drinking alcohol with getting drunk not being the ultimate goal. the other 30 is equally split between thinking about irrelevant bullshit and what i'm going to be for halloween. i feel incredibly mature though. i'm turning 24 in 2 weeks and hitting the 2 year mark with carson, and paying 15k to sit in a class and stare at power points in my designer prescription glasses while i think about fucking my boyfriend. sometimes i think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm having difficulty imagining anyone would put it in her.
Like that is seriously
genuinely flooring me right now.

my life amounts to nothing outside of masturbating, assorted pills, tvland, and shopbop.com. i'm such a selfish piece of shit. i came three times tonight and bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. i fucking love the taste of blood.

Well that's a thing someone wrote and I read.

if you attract people like me, something is wrong with you.

Fortunately I'm sure you'd hate me so I think I'm ok.
Apparently this blog has existed since 2010.
How is it she's posted 123 times today from different dates?
Maybe she's just now making these public.
Well whatever.
No new posts and I'm officially out like shout because fuck this.
Song of the now.