Dear Annie

Dear Annie has comments now.
Let's do this.

Dear Annie: When my birthday was coming up, I told my wife about a piece of technology I really wanted and asked her to buy it for me. It cost $300. She said it was too expensive and didn't get me anything except a card. 

Buy yourself the thing.

Come on bro.

In the past three weeks, she has purchased three birthday gifts for friends, each costing roughly $100. She put in a ton of effort to find exactly the right gift.
Am I justified in feeling hurt by this snub? Should I talk to her about it, or am I being petty?

Kill her and consume her brain so that you may gain her power.

I am a 62-year-old great-grandmother. Ten years ago, I committed a nonviolent felony. I served weekends in jail for a year, paid restitution, made every visit to my probation officer and complied with all of the other terms of my conviction and release.
I am honest with any potential employer about my past, my rehabilitation and my goal to never do a criminal act again. I have been a model citizen since this happened. I know I have to do better in my life than everyone else to make up for what I did. But I cannot get a job.
Society seems to view anyone who commits a crime as the scum of the Earth and not worth employing (unless you are a celebrity or have lots of money). Because I can't get a job, I cannot buy a car or find an apartment or even buy my grandchildren a candy bar. What is the point of "paying your debt to society" if "society" never forgives you? The death sentence would have made more sense than the five years' probation I received. No, I am not depressed, only stating what is true.

Top lel.
Shouldn't have committed the crime, then.
Like what are you doing committing nonviolent felonies at 52?

Dear Annie: My brother-in-law, "Tom," lives with us because he is not able to hold a job. Fifteen years ago, he moved to the Midwest with his wife and children. He was there for a year, and then his wife divorced him. We paid for his ticket home, and he lived with us for three months. He then moved to California to live with a cousin, but they threw him out when he couldn't hold onto a job and pay rent. He became homeless.
Tom moved back into his mother's house and found work, but only for a brief time before he was fired. Any money he had saved, he spent in bars and on women. When Mom went into a nursing home, Tom couldn't pay the upkeep on the house, so he rented it out and ended up homeless again. So we took him in.
We helped Tom get food stamps and a part-time job. He sees a counselor once a month. Our only rule is that he has to be in by 9 p.m., because I work early, and when he comes home late, it wakes me up. But Tom has a hard time following this.
Tom continues to make poor choices, and I am afraid he will end up living with us permanently. Why is he this way? And what can I do to help? — Miserable Sister-in-Law 

Throw the cunt out.
Annie needs to step it up. These are fucking gimmes.
None of these problems have required more than a sentences to correct.

Dear Annie: As a registered nurse and a patient who has had many dental procedures, I cringe every time I get into a dentist's chair. The reason is the overhead light — the one that the hygienist or dentist can adjust and lower. The hygienists and dentists wear gloves, but the gloves protect them, not the patient. They put their gloved hands in patients' mouths and then reach up and adjust the light as needed, time after time. Their gloved hands transfer bacteria from a patient's saliva (and sometimes blood) to the light fixture. Then the next patient gets in the chair, and the procedure is repeated.
I don't see how they can avoid transferring harmful bacteria and viruses from one patient to another unless they clean the light fixture off between every patient. I hope I'm wrong, but I have never seen or heard of this being done.
I learned sterile procedure in nursing school. If they teach sterile procedure to hygienists and dentists, they don't seem to be using it in my dentist's office. — Nervous Patient 

What the fuck 3rd world country are you going to to have your teeth worked on? At my dentist there's a cover over the light that gets changed between patients.

Dear Annie: I'm a 59-year-old non-working female who has been married for 20 years. I thought my husband was a wonderful man, but 10 years ago, he removed my name from our joint bank accounts. I worked for 30 years. I now find myself with no money and no job. I have to depend on my husband for everything. He doesn't give me money unless I beg for it.
Is there anything I can do legally to persuade him to give me an allowance? He says he pays all of our bills, so I don't need any money. Our three children agree with him. For health reasons, I cannot return to work. What can I do? — Confused

Well I mean women shouldn't be in charge of the finances so what's the problem?
Only joking.
Mostly.
But seriously your kids agree with him so that tells me you're not telling the entire story.
What is it?
Pills?
Uppers?
Downers?
The drink?
Hashish?
Soma?

Dear Confused: Because your husband and your children all believe you should not handle money, we have to ask whether there is a reason. Do you gamble? Do you overspend? Even so, you still should be allotted a small amount of money for personal use. 

Even Annie is calling your shit.

Dear Annie: I am very close to my 12-year-old grandson. His family life is not good, and since his parents live nearby, the boy is at my house more often than not.
The problem is, he started sleeping with me when he was a baby and still does it. I have addressed this issue several times and told him he's too old to crawl into bed with Grammie. But he cries and pleads with me, saying how much he loves me, and that he wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. I always give in, because deep down, I'm happy to have him with me.
My husband sleeps in another room due to health issues. He definitely thinks the boy should be sleeping in his own room, and we've had several arguments over this issue. This is such a stress on me every night. Please give me some advice. — Grammie 

Dude.
Just tell his friends. They'll call him a faggot until he stops.

Dear Annie: Did you know that an estimated 16 million youth participate in volunteer activities in the U.S. every year, and that by volunteering these young people will perform better in school? These amazing kids do everything from collecting gently used books and developing literacy programs to creating anti-bullying campaigns in school districts. All of these remarkable youth have a common goal: to raise awareness and solve the problems facing the world today.
To celebrate their ingenuity, idealism and passion, please remind your readers that Global Youth Service Day (GYSD) will take place April 11-13, 2014. Last year, young people around the world came together and participated in nearly 3,500 projects. Additionally, thousands of community partners in more than 135 countries brought together millions of young people to strengthen their communities through the power of youth volunteering.
For more information, your readers can visit www.GYSD.org. — Sincerely, Steven A. Culbertson, President and CEO, Youth Service America 

CEO and president of this company probably isn't donating his time.
All that free child labor and we have to act like you're some great saint.
Also most of the kids I see doing service learning hours are just ticking off boxes to graduate and get into college.

Dear Annie: Cremation seems to be getting more popular, but advisory notices from the cremation societies all say that there is at present no way of extracting DNA from cremains.
I feel the funeral homes should be obligated to preserve a DNA sample, even if it is a lock of hair. Some years ago, a woman named Anna Anderson claimed, probably sincerely, that she was Grand Duchess Anastasia from the Czarist Romanov family. A DNA sample proved otherwise. She had been cremated, and no one ever would have known the truth, but fortunately, a body part from an earlier operation had been preserved.
I realize that was an unusual case, but it did solve a mystery, and there may be others waiting to be solved. Perhaps people could make a provision in their will that a DNA sample be preserved. — P.J. 

Well if a crazy wants to claim outlandish things then maybe that's her business.
Is that seriously your argument for this non-issue?
This isn't even in response to an earlier letter. This is apropos of fucking nothing.
Like what, you're just sitting around your grotto thinking about how DNA should be preserved in case of cremation? Even at my most hopelessly unemployed point I had better shit to worry about.

I am a 13-year-old girl whose best friend (I'll call her "Blue") has become very rude and even annoying. I can no longer make a comment about something without her answering nastily or adding logic to imaginary scenarios that aren't intended to be logical. It's irritating.

The problem is she's a 13 year old girl.

We have another friend, "Violet," who is very creative and loves to draw. So do I. But when I showed Blue a picture I had done, she said, "Violet is way better than you are." This hurt my feelings, and I was angry. When I consulted Violet, she said Blue had been rude and annoying to her, too.
We don't want to offend Blue or lose her as a friend, but frankly, we can't handle her anymore. What should we do? — Red in Nevada

Sodomize her with a pipe.
Or call her a cunt.
Or stop talking to her.
The good news is at 13 you don't even have to act human and it's like what's expected of you.

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been happily married for eight years. This is a third marriage for both of us.
A few months back, my wife found that I had been visiting Internet porn sites. She became very upset and said this was the same as having sex outside of marriage.
This is something I'm not proud of and resolved not to do it again. Well, a few days back, in a moment of weakness, I typed in "nude beach." She says this is the same as a porn site. I feel it isn't, because it is a public beach.
Seeing how much pain I caused my wife, I won't go to that site again. However, I would like your opinion. Is this the same as adultery? — No Cheater

Clearly she's not letting you give her the tip enough and therefore porn is a reasonable substitute.
I don't understand this problem. You're both on your third fucking marriage. What does she expect at this point?
Clearly she either can't pick better or shouldn't expect better.
If all a guy is doing is looking up internet porno-- which is free-- to piss you off, then I'd say you should count your blessings.

Dear No Cheater: Deliberately searching out "nude beach" is a way to look for naked bodies without using the word "porn," but the effect is similar. And while looking at naked bodies is not the same as adultery, it is still a betrayal if it hurts your wife and you have broken your promise to stop. And if you are interacting in real time with real women online, we would consider that a form of cheating. You seem to have a problem with pornography. If you cannot stay away from it, consider that you may have an addiction that requires treatment.

Or you could jerk off to your thoughts.
No way she'd expect that.
I dunno, Annie. Pretty weak selection this time.
Where are the real problems?
Not some whining 13 year old and some dude jerking off to redtube.
HELP A BROTHER OUT, ANNIE
FUCK
Song of the now. Someone at a school I was substituting at reminded me this existed.