But then you reach that upward limit and keep going and you think "okay now you're really being unreasonable" but then you stretch past that and it becomes unbelievable.
What happens when you stretch past that?
Today's writer's block is literally awe inspiring at how long it is.
Are you ready for how long it is?
Are you sitting down?
SIX FUCKING PAGES.
I don't think I've had six pages of thoughts today, let alone on one sustained subject.
If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
How long should that response be?
I'd think maybe two words. At most a sentence if you want to be a specific kind of something.
Like "I want to be president of anime" and you'd have to specify "of anime" and not just "president" but any more than that and you're really pushing it.
Well, shall we begin?
Now this is an ironic prompt.
Definition of irony:
BOY THAT SURE IS A TECHNIQUE OF STATING SOMETHING WITH THE INTENTION OF STATING THE OPPOSITE!
a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
This is the question that's been haunting me the most lately. So I don't see myself writing *too much about any "dream" job, but more on a realistic level.
Writer.
There's my answer.
The funny thing with dream jobs is that they're usually defined as fun or easy, by other people's standards. But even if I chose a career in a field/industry that I love, the bigger question is, "Will I be able to do it?" If this wasn't a question, I'd have gone straight into the Animation Major during college, instead of fearing to marr my beloved industry.
You know the question didn't ask why.
It just asked what your dream job would be.
So animator.
Animator is your answer.
Or, I would have stayed in the Science Major to become some sort of mad scientist doctor. But really, there's nothing worse than every day, continuously failing, being self-disappointed, and humiliated in front of entire classes, while also disappointing a teacher.
Are you still fucking talking?
;____________; School, in and of itself was already that, so adding the horror of incompetently disgracing a personally beloved field/industry of mine, daily, would be too unbearable. There are no "dream jobs" when self-disappointment follows you everywhere.
Ever since I got laid-off in September, I've been thinking about what career I might do with my life. I'm still unemployed. But the very day after my lay-off, I got a seller's permit and got into swap meets and made all these plans for joining Artist Alleys at conventions.
Jeeeeesus fuuuck the looooord.
All right so while this cunt yaps on and on and on let me tell you guys this shit.
So I was doing the new Grand Company quest in FFXIV. I wasn't expecting anything interesting (the quest was investigating an airship crash [hint: the quest's name, "Alive", might be a spoiler]) when dear Edie runs through a cave tunnel thing without looking where she's going (even after being explicitly warned the area is crawling with Imperials and she just killed 3 to get there) when guess who drops down from nowhere the way she just came?
Gaius Van Baelsar, my old friend.
Gaius Van Baelsar's entire character is based around three things:
- looking menacing
- saying vague things
- shooting people with a plasma gun from Warhammer.
So I guess you could say I'm now self-employed. But the more events I get seller's tables for, the more I think this lifestyle isn't for me. I certainly loved designing merchandise and deciphering how to fabricate it all. And I love fabricating things with my hands, as well. But when it comes down to sitting at a table and interacting with people... I've done 2 events so far, and have already had more bad human interaction experiences than this Social Anxiety sufferer can stand.
Oh right, you.
God I was just thinking how great that quest was and now I have to come back to the startling reality that you exist and I have to know from you.
I am very disappointed that Edie ran like a bitch for the third time and got shot in the back.
There's a coward's wound if I've ever heard one.
It was okay, though. She shrugged that ball of super-heated magic off like someone pushed her.
Because, as it stands now---still and always has stood, I don't really see the worth in living. ...Except in the enjoyable hobbies that make me forget about the horror of being alive. In and of itself, if is a pretty horrible thing. It was one thing to live in a horrible situation, and feel there was a horrible enemy to defeat, then life would be awesome...But to live knowing that whatever environment (good or bad) or (lack of)obstacles you may be in, it would always be horrible because I was always there...;-;
Maybe the most emo thing I've ever read in my entire life.
But there is a horrible enemy to defeat: your fellow man.
What greater foe than the pigs around you?
Think about it. Even though dragons are evil, if they were real you could at least mourn the passing of a worthy foe after you vanquished it or the passing of a majestic and awesome creature.
What are men?
Filthy and unworthy, I think.
I can't get away from me. There was a time when my solution was to change myself, improve myself, into a person I could be proud to live with. (I hated myself so much, back then, that I couldn't stand seeing myself in mirrors.) But I hit my wall years ago. I Grew as far as I can, and I can't Grow anymore. ;_;
WEAKNESS PERSONIFIED.
For those who seek perfection there can be no rest this side of the grave.
The only place I can go now is death. And that's the irony. Once you're alive, that Survival Instinct and evolutionarily-ingrained fear of death, makes it near-impossible to just die.
>evolutionary ingrained fear of death
>humans are the only creatures even dimly aware they can die
You don't really know how evolution works, do you?
The only fear evolutionarily fear ingrained in man is the fear of falling and perhaps the fear of the dark.
Belive me. I've tried. You can use all the logic of your own ideals (the only Truth in this world of subjective morality) to justify suicide, but when it comes down to it, it's tough to go up against millions of years of Survival Instinct.
Yet people kill themselves daily.
So you want to kill yourself, and not over something noble like the loss of honor or a gambling debt but instead over-- THIS, which is the coward's way out of I've ever heard it, yet you're too cowardly to take the coward's way out of life--
No matter how much suicide is "right" and logical for me, when I get serious about taking action for it, now I get such a flood of emotions, that I can't suicide. Usually, it's sadness. Inexplicable sadness. Because when I'm depressed, I can barely get up, much less mix up some poison drink. ---I'm an Escapism junkie.
I skipped down a bit because at this rate I'm not getting to entry 2.
Can you believe a question about your dream job turned into a rant about suicide?
I sure can.
Maybe it's my method of survival. But it's hard to just revel in it, when the whole world and even the people you respect most keep reiterating that my geeky hobbies really aren't that important. ;_;
Did I show you Edie's crown already?
Yes I did. I wish I hadn't blown my wad on that the day I fucking got it.
Then what am I sticking around life for? ......Kingdom Hearts 3, that's what. And Final Fantasy Versus XIII.
Oh, Christ. If that's what I had to look forward to in life I'd be reaching for the hemlock too.
Final Fantasy Versus XIII, seriously?
Man.
Only the Final Fantasy series can have sequels to the sequels to the sequels.
So you have Final Fantasy XIII, the worst game ever made, then there's a sequel to that, Final Fantasy XIII-2 (which is released after XIV) then you have an unrelated game to the previous two set in the same world called Final Fantasy Versus XIII.
Have I confused you yet?
Let's not even start with Final Fantasy XII.
But this journal entry was about careers, wasn't it?
Yes, back to the matter at hand.
You have to learn how to learn, you know. It is a skill like anything else.
My resume seminar instructor once suggested I get into some kind of merchandise design. Which would fit with my penchant/love of daydreaming unique concepts and fabrication. Which I currently express through fanart and cosplay. But writing was the one thing in my life where I remember always enjoying the hard work, and even feeling a constant hope of continual improvement/honing skill.
Here, let me tell you your next goal for writing: being less wordy.
The goal of writing isn't to throw as much shit onto the page as you can muster. It's to form a coherent idea and more importantly to express it to others as efficiently as possible.
Unfortunately, that was a long time ago. Whatever skill I had in writing, I lost it, when I went to focus on art. Me and my stupid dream to become a comic book/manga author who could draw and write. ~_~;
Number of manga authors who can draw and write:
-
Not that many don't tell amusing stories but I have yet to encounter one who is truly a writer.
They're primarily telling (not showing, the mark of a real writer) through pretty drawings.
Dragon Ball Z is especially remarkable because if there's a thing you shouldn't do in writing Dragon Ball Z does it and yet tells an entertaining story in spite of all that.
All I ended up doing was half-heartedly and unsuccessfully studying a skill that took up all my time for writing, until I lost touch with that skill altogether. ;_;
So what do you call this thing you're doing that's wasting all my time?
I could be making wind shards or dying to that new Moogle boss, you know.
I guess that's why I feel anxious about this new job offer from the government, that just came in the mail 3 days ago. If I go back to that cubicle life, how is that any different from the job I just left---was freed from? I don't need money. I have a substantial savings, because I don't have a Normal person's recreational activities/spending.
Man I just yawned big.
If I go back, then I might as well have stayed with my last job. I could have moved with them to Northern California. Sure, I'd have to say goodbye to my beloved family for probably forever, but I could have continued just roaming the internet every night for fun. Maybe even get a cat, once moved away from living with allergic and pet's-mess-phobic people. But I knew that if I went there, stayed in that job (not even a career), I would have had to first, resign myself to a lack of Hope, dreams, or chances for life to become anything grander. With that kind of Hopeless resolve, I knew that once I got up there, I would have just killed myself (and my hypothetical cats), all for a job that gave me nothing but money.
Didn't you just say the only reason you're living is because of your hobbies?
That sounds like a great reason to be alive, actually. You're living because you get to do what you want, what? Why are other people alive?
Do you realize how many people are alive simply because they can't die? Things like spouses and children depend on them?
Is that really what you want from life?
So far you haven't mentioned marriage or children so I imagine you don't really care about such things so what I'm getting from you is you're upset at life because your job sucked, yet they offered to pack you up and move you to sunny NORTHERN CALIFORNIA and you turned them down because that wasn't good enough.
Newsflash, honey: jobs suck. That's why they're called jobs. and not hobbies.
And I don't need money. I paid off my students loans, my car,...I don't pay rent or buy groceries (Luckily, Asian parents believe "good girls" live at home),
Man, Asian parents.
Wait, what?
An Asian girl that plays Final Fantasy?
Motherfucker are you dense?
Do you know how many successful nerds I know in Final Fantasy XIV that would literally murder someone to find an Asian girl who can talk intelligently about video games?
You wouldn't even have to work. They'd probably let you stay home as long as you can do domestic things because they're all beardbeasts.
Unless you're hideous. I can't help you then.
You don't even have to be beautiful. Just not hideous and you should be set for life.
FOR LIFE.
Man.
I've seen some dense motherfuckers in my time but you're up there, lady.
I can't believe it but this is the first entry of Edie Finds a Corpse based entirely around one other entry but I guess that's what happens when you've written a six page thesis for the writer's block.
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