Reef Blastbody

It took me a long time today to find a blog even worth reviewing. I had quite a few false starts, though, where I'd read an entry and say "oh this'll be good" but then that's the only entry.
Never fear, though, because I found this.

Is there any song that reminds you so much of an ex-partner that you can't stand to hear it? Details, please.

This is the politest Writer's Block ever. Details, PLEASE. Well that really helped people be as vague and opaque as they always are.

Yes.
I Can't Be With You by the Cranberries.
Also, Pretty Eyes by the Cranberries
Also, Linger by the Cranberries
Also, When You're Gone by the Cranberries.

Who?

Basically, listening to the Cranberries= memories to make me start missing my ex.

But it's also hard to listen to Street Spirit, by Radiohead.

Oh, Radiohead.
Anyone remember that really shitty band-- oh man, what was it?
They had the worst video about this girl being misunderstood and then she's standing in the bathroom and her WRISTS ARE BLEEDING BLACK OH NO--
oh I'm thinking of Linkin Park.
Ha, ha wow. I don't know why I thought this was the work of someone else.

Today and tonight, I ate too much! D:

I mean, in the morning I had a piece of toast and an egg and for lunch, I had a salad with romaine and a black bean burger, but then for dinner I had a burger with a white bun, some mac and cheese with white pasta, and some potato salad. We also got honey roasted peanuts and animal cookies and granola bars. So I ended up having a granola bar with milk, about a 1/4 cup of peanuts, and like 8 or 9 animal cookies!

Sounds like food for three days to me.

This is so immature. But I need someplace where I can just have some alone time.
And cry.

Mood: apathetic.
Isn't the internet so much better with Livejournal?

Defeatist attitude. My father told me that I had one and gave me no ideas of how to fix it.
Which makes me want to give up.

Oh God I hate people my age so fucking much.
THE ANSWER ISN'T EASY OR INSTANT GRATIFICATION I QUIT. ALSO IT WASN'T GIVEN TO ME.
Holy shit I hope you fucking die in abject poverty.

Thus, the attitude is exemplified.
How strange.

Yeah, here's how you do it: you stop acting like a goddamn pussy.

I'm done with this constant fear, discomfort and disgust with myself.

But I've said that before.
What got me through?

Oh good it's one of these. Where we sit in introspect at what a tortured soul you are and meanwhile no one but you has any clue what the fuck you're droning on about.
I've also conclusively proved in these past 3 years that you cannot wish someone dead because if you could I'd be in prison.

Probably fear. Probably cowardice. I wouldn't know what would happen to me after I died. I wouldn't know how to go about offing myself.

I know a few painless ways if you'll just promise to do it.

Look at me, using big words. Haha, I must be smart. I must think I am.

Big words?
What, cowardice?
Exemplified?
Wow your 6th grade English teacher must be very proud.

But no, I'm not.
If I were, wouldn't I have more to contribute?

That's a great point.
Wait, no it isn't.

Someone other than myself could contribute so much more to the world. To their trade. To their university. To their society. To their family and their circle of friends.

I bet your friends hate you.
There's this one guy in my FFXIV Linkshell who reminds me a lot of you and I always think whenever I see him on "oh God please let him just be quiet today."

In conversation. In innovation. In invention. In intuition and wit.

Confidence is key. That's a true cliche that is awakening in my mind. My mind is awakening to the idea.
Confidence is what makes the individual thrive. Confidence is what the individuals that make up groups thrive off of, making the group thrive.
Confidence is life.

Confidence, for me, is always in flux.
More big words.

What, flux? Intuition?
These are concepts I'd expect any 9th grader to know.
Yes, even the kids at my horrible high school could probably define flux.
... Actually no let me recant that.
So I'd expect any... 11th grader with a reasonable educational background to define that word.

Do I really know what they mean or am I just doing it like the parrots do? That wouldn't say much. That wouldn't help my confidence levels. Already dangerously low.

Why is it that I can't just find a glowing exit sign and stroll out of here? The idea of being trapped, in a physical state, deeply affects me in an emotional sense.
It creates a kind of prison in an emotional state. I'll be locked inside of this dark place, escape from some radical earthquake, like Peter or Paul or Simon or whomever in the Bible,

Job is the name you're looking for.
Peter and Simon might work-- Paul not so much.

and I won't have any clue of why the bars have been broken and I'm suddenly free. So, when I am thrust back into that emotional prison, I don't know how to escape by my own devices.
What's happening?

Does anyone seriously have any clue what's going on here? I haven't cut any of this out, I promise.

Today, I started getting a handle on my eating, exercise and meditation habits. It helped lots.
I felt sort of bad in the morning. The night before, I ended up drinking some. I was kind of upset about a couple of pictures that I saw on a friend's facebook, because I get upset way too easily. So, I just sort of had that in the back of my mind whilst drinking.
I didn't really feel it until the morning. It wasn't a bad hangover, but long story short, I ate carbs to help.

Carbs and water are the best hangover aid.

Something I discovered today is that my senses are very much heightened directly after meditating. I meditated on the back porch for thirty minutes. It was a great feeling.

Fat loser here finds she becomes Daredevil after meditating.

I came back inside, did dishes, which was also therapeutic, and then worked out for thirty to fourty-five minutes. I ran on the elliptical for twenty minutes and did floor thigh, hip, and butt exercises.

WORK THEM KEGEL MUSCLES (had to look up how to spell that for the first time in Edie Finds a Corpse history) ALL THE BOYS WILL LOOOOOOVE YOU NOW.

I made sure to keep up on my water intake.

When I craved something sweet, I made myself the SB vanilla coffee milk and was satisfied.

Mmmm I love being skinny. Big bag of Swedish Fish right here I can eat whenever the fuck I feel like.
Four in the morning and it's Swedish Fish time?
AWWWW YEAH I CAN DO THIS SHIT.

We bought yogurt, whole wheat bread, romaine lettuce and carrots today, so there are lots of healthy options in the fridge again! I was strong today, considering that most of what we had was carbs.

My strong girl.
Temperance is a virtue, you know.
And by "temperance" I mean more as a synonym for "fortitude" than what it came to mean to mean later.

I'm talking to a really cute girl on OKCupid and I'm excited about eventually meeting her! Using that site has made me feel a bit better about myself, though it also adds a little bit of pressure. But at least it is the summer, when I will have time for self-improvement!

Oh so you're a lesbian.
RIGHT?
RIIIIIIIIIGHT?
OR YOU'RE JUST LOOKING FOR A FRIEND?

So, I'm not //exactly// seeing this as a failure, because I'm becoming motivated to get on track for healthy eating again.
Part of my motivation is to keep the ability to fit into the cute clothes that I brought with me to Maryland. Cute light-colored short-shorts and skinny jeans, and the like.

This has to be a girl, right? Cute clothes, I mean really?

Another part of my motivation is the online dating site that I've just joined. I created an account on OKCupid.com, looking for a girl to go out with short-term while I am in Jacksonville, or maybe even someone to show me around Maryland, while I'm here. We'll see, but either way, I would like to look my best and feel my best while exploring new romance.

Hooo-boy, Maryland. Well we have the-- well, there's the Target, and then there's the grocery store, and then we have a BIG EMPTY FIELD-- and that's about it.

Anyways, I leave for Maryland on Tuesday. I can't wait to see my sister again. I'm nervous, because I feel like, for some reason, parts of me are always fluctuating- my weight, my ability to sing and speak loudly, my anxiety-levels, my confidence- and I'm hoping for some stability in that area when I meet Nicki's friends.

ANYWAYS GUYS
ANYWAYS I'M JUST GOING TO THE PIMPLE ON THE UNITED STATE'S ASS
ANYWAYS I'M GOING TO GET A LOT OF PITY POINTS FROM THE POOR SOULS TRAPPED IN THAT GRAY MONOTONOUS HELLHOLE
ANYWAYS I CAN'T WAIT TO EXPERIENCE A MERGER LANE IN MARYLAND WHICH MIGHT AS WELL JUST BE THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD THEY'RE SO SHORT.

They will be who I will be seeing for the next couple of months, so I hope to make a decent impression and get along with them well. I really don't want to give off the hurt-puppy-needing-pity-and-friendliness vibe.

Just listen to this song in its entirety. It's only 2 minutes and it'll steel you towards pretty much any emotion you can possibly feel.

I want him back so badly.
Looking back at old pictures. Like the one from homecoming last year... We look so happy.
I was getting there.

I want so much to give it another try.

It hurts so bad. I'm not PMSing. It's not too late to be getting overemotional.

Sorry I just took my own advice.
I can't even be angry at you anymore.

I feel like I'm a fifteen year old boy.

I crush way too easily.

I need to come up with some kind of list of attributes that I'm looking for in a potential relationship.

Barometer for a relationship:
"favorite Billy Idol song?"
"Who's that?"
KEEP FUCKING WALKING.

I can't just decide to like every girl or guy I see. Mostly, it's girls though. I don't know if it's because UWF has so many pretty girls on campus. I've been noticing that, lately.
Just going through the commons, every girl I happened to spot while kind of being on the lookout for cute girls was either really pretty or really, really cute.

Last time I went to "the commons" on my campus my only thought was "wow look at all these hipster bitches" followed very shortly by "I am so beyond this bullshit now."

And that's a bit depressing, as a girl, too.

Also followed on the heels by "if these girls didn't dress like they fell into a donation bin in front of Goodwill some of them might actually be kind of cute, even if they are bitchy white girls."

I don't feel like I'm stylish or peppy or beautiful or proud enough to even be noticed by them.

We should all be so lucky to evade their auspices. Every time I've had to speak to one of these poor, misguided creatures it was an unpleasant experience in the extreme.

I wish I could work on this, and I felt like Ryan was helping this, but now I've lost Ryan (which is good because he was really oppressive), and so I almost feel like I'm losing some confidence, too.
But I'm not gorging or anything. I'm exercising and watching what I eat, so I won't feel even more resentful of myself.

Resent is a powerful emotion.
Suddenly I feel like a fucking Sith Lord giving advice.
USE YOUR HATE AS A WEAPON YOUNG JEDI.

If not a girlfriend, I'd like to just have some more girl friends. I wonder if I would come across as flirtatious to them, too, eventually. I know that I sometimes do with Casey.
Maybe that is why I push away straight female friends.

Is there anyone more annoying than a bisexual?
Not to be rude but I've met a lot of straight people who were cool, I've met a lot of gay people who were cool but every bisexual I've met has been a flaming asshole or a raging lunatic.

I'm just speculating. But I need to jump to action about a couple of things.

1) I really need to work on my confidence and anxiety problems.
2) I really need to figure out what I want in a guy or girl.

I'd give you the advice I usually give people but to be honest I can't really tell what your gender is because the very next post is entitled "Manchild" and I'm not sure if this is self-applied or not.
ESPECIALLY SINCE THE ONLY TEXT IN THIS POST IS "BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER" which is a disorder that affects mostly women, I think.
I am supposed to be denying myself today.

That's what I learned last night at the BCM worship meeting.
I don't know if finally livejournaling my feelings is focusing too much on myself and "feeding my old self".
Hopefully I can get away with one entry. I mostly want to talk about what happened at the meeting last night.

Oh good, just what I needed from this blog: religious melodrama.
DID YOU LISTEN TO THAT SONG I SENT YOU?

I'm not going to make up any bullshit about feeling "saved" or "feeling the Holy Spirit entering me" or anything, because I know that I already am saved, and the Holy Spirit is already in me.

Too bad it's not the staff of Zeus on your fucking face.
And then I felt myself completely let go and it was almost kind of scary because I really couldn't control it.

I started to cry, but kept a straight face because there was also this intense calm feeling in me.
Before the song ended, I was able to wipe my eyes and gain control, though, but when it was happening, it was a really strange feeling.
I don't remember having felt something like that ever before. Maybe in a really sad movie. That was kind of the feeling.

Oh God.
Ha, literally: "Oh God!"

Despite my confusion, I want to believe and grow in my beliefs.

This is why it's pointless and dumb to argue with the religious.

I am curious as to what they might tell me about homosexuality, abstinence and such. I've been trying to do my own research but when I look at the other side of the argument (as in the Biblical one) I just find myself getting disgusted and frustrated and confused...

Great.
Blargh I just burped and tasted acid. That is completely what this blog does to you.
In fact that is the best review I can ever give of this blog: stomach acid burp.
Oh man it's even the beginning of this blog. It is truly the Holy Ghost entering me and telling me what to write.