No specific reason this time, I just wanted to keep her in line. In case she started to think I forgot. Well I haven't.
If I were a Neanderthal, I would be a hunter-gatherer.
Implying if anyone was a Neanderthal they might not be a hunter-gatherer (brotip: they were a hunter-gatherer culture).
I found the shoes in the shoe department of all places...and they were even in a box!!!
Whew slow down, you're getting very technical. Okay, shoes in shoe department-- got it. Proceed.
After purchasing the shoes and taking them home, I realized that there was a good reason why they were so cheap.
"Those shoes are really ugly," my husband observed.
Wait stop. Sorry, can you go over this box business again?
To cut down on some bullshit dialog:
Searching 8,000 hours of security tape to verify a $10 purchase seemed like a reasonable request and a productive use of everyone's time, so I agreed.
:|
"This is going to take at least an hour," the man warned, clearly annoyed.
Ha, ha yeah working does suck when you have to deal with twats like this.
As I made my way to the shelf of unfolded towels, chipped serving platters, and ceramic Easter eggs, I began to have a change of heart. The shoes weren't that ugly. The more I looked at them, in fact, the more I started to actually like them.
Fifteen minutes later, I stopped by the return counter.
"Tell the manager that I've changed my mind," I told the woman. "I've decided to keep the shoes."
I would punch you in the solar plexus for this bullshit.
My husband and I took the kids to Baltimore for the weekend. The Orioles were playing our hometown team, the California Angels, and we thought it would be fun to go to a couple of the games.
Whatever, sports.
Kellen and Cortlen (age 5) were very interested in the activities on the field. Camber (age 6),
Hi just quoting this in case you forgot she was a cunt and named her kids the dumbest fuck names ever.
I already lost my driver's license. I have no earthly clue where it is or when in the past week it escaped me.
I was going to say something about this but I was distracted (then promptly forgot what I had to say) by the link. What the fuck is this? Why are all your posts linked together? Is someone really going to say "HEY WAIT EXPLAIN THIS DRIVER'S LICENSE BUSINESS TO ME!" Well here's an entry I wrote about it, inquisitive reader! Goddamn no one cares about your fucking license, lady.
When I was at the dollar store earlier this week, I spotted several bottles of name brand spray sunscreen. Since this stuff typically runs upwards of $9 per bottle, I swiped the whole lot into my shopping cart.
There's a reason it's at the dollar store.
As I was applying the bargain sunscreen to myself and to my children later that afternoon, I noticed that the substance had a distinct odor which I couldn't quite place...until one of my pool friends sniffed the air around me and asked, "Do you smell ant poison?"
No thought given to the safety of your children? Oh well whatever. Can't say I'm surprised with some of your earlier antics.
Last week, I got my license renewed at the DMV.
Hey guess what? Still don't give a shit. This is like fucking Green Eggs and Ham, Christ. No I do not care five minutes later, no I do not care on a train, plane or on the moon.
A large sign at the doorway instructed me to 1) take a number from a ticket dispenser and then 2) take a seat.
And before you ask someone and end up in an hour run around, yes the rules apply to you.
You will be proud to know that I waited a whole seven minutes before taking yet another number.
Thanks for screwing the process up for other assholes like me who only took one number, asshole.
On Tuesday, I had an interview to be a part-time literature instructor at a local community college. I prepared for the interview by watching The Bachelorette and rolling the lint brush over my only suit.
Oh I get it those things have nothing to do with getting ready for an interview.
Wow.
What the fuck has to be the matter with you where that passes for humor?
It's kind of scary to think who could be teaching you or your college-aged children.
Yeah it could be you. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
In my church, every person has an assignment or calling.
Oh oh I call crusader. I'll take the holy land back from those heretics.
A few weeks ago, I was 'promoted.' Instead of throwing dinner parties for the women's organization every two months, I now get to host activities for the tweens in my congregation every two weeks.
This is why I can never go to church. Too much bullshit and not enough armor.
More than a costume that resembles a green bean, I want something that makes my position of authority transparent to the world, or at least to a bunch of fourth and fifth graders...and their parents.
Again my wisdom knows no bounds. If you showed up in full plate there would be no question who's in charge.
Here's an entry entitled "Further Proof That my Ph. D. in Medieval Literature Did Not Prepare Me For the Real World" like there's any shock there.
Now there's a picture of a book written in medieval Latin. Big fucking deal.At this very moment, a steeply discounted blouse in a color that does not flatter my skin tone waits patiently for me in my e-shopping bag, unable to make the leap into a UPS box until I can decipher the company's security Sanskrit.Of course one might argue that just because you can read Medieval Latin does not qualify you for anything but doing just that but whatever I am dealing with a self-entitled cunt here.
Like our outward bound flight, our flight home was jam packed. My family's popularity was confirmed when the very last passenger to board the plane was directed to our aisle. The lucky ducky this time around was a nineteen-year-old math prodigy named Jeff.
Nerd.
Through an extensive pre-flight debriefing, I learned that Jeff is from Philadelphia, took Calculus in the eighth grade, just finished his freshman year at M.I.T., and had spent the previous week at a math conference in Park City.
Yeah and I have my own blog.
As I learned during the second hour of the flight, Jeff also likes Japanese cartoons. I smiled when Jeff began watching an anime cartoon on his computer.
>anime cartoon
Redundancy but whatever.
I stopped smiling a few minutes later, however, when two of the cartoon characters started taking off their clothes.
Yeah they are prone to do that. Cultural values, etc.
My husband ignored the pilot's insistence to remain seated and swapped seats with our daughter while I stared at Jeff from an uncomfortably close distance until he closed his laptop lid.
I'm sure she expects me to take sides in this but I hate all parties involved.
We had just read a book about warty trolls, and when the spots appeared, everyone began to eye Kellen suspiciously.
"One of us is turning into a troll," Cortlen announced authoritatively. "And it's not me."
Being an internet troll I happen to be an expert on trolls.
"It's in your genes, what can I say?" I told him. Although I lack fleshy growths, I do have several other defining characteristics of the mythical beast including a surly temperament, mood swings, and a large nose.
Also regenerative powers and weakness to fire.
Have you ever stayed at someone's house who abides by a completely different moral code than you?
No.
Also before you get butthurt: not everyone is obligated to think like you.
All right so I think this entry is done. I HOPE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON, CUNT.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAH NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE WHIZ.
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