This isn't happening

Sometimes I come across an entry so incredibly douchey I like to imagine it's some kind of "ironic joke" that I just don't get so I can get some kind of distance on it, but there's always the sneaking truth that whoever posted this is dead fucking serious and I have what I can only describe as a "holy fuck what am I doing?" moment. It's sort of like Pandora's box. I know what's in it, so why the fuck am I opening it?

Me (posts a video of Gackt naked in Takano Yuri CM) : you've seen that right?
My Friend: *_*.....................................

........
Me: No?
after a while
Me: where are you disappearing always?
after a couple of minutes
My Friend : *breaths *my bro caught me watching that and went out screaming I'm watching chinese porno!!! I had to catch him!!!!!
Me (totally cracks up): xDDDDDDDDDDDDD OMG I think I'll die laughing now xDDDDDDD
chinesss porno xDDDDDDD

Oh boy.
Here's a picture of some lady dressed up like a man I think, and she's off to draw "T_T" now. Eat a dick, goddamn.
Now there's like 10,000 posts about Gackt, one of which contains an avatar with the words "samurai spirit" below it. Let's think about this for a moment, shall we?

Pretty much what I think of when the word "samurai" comes up.
Here's Gackt:Maybe I don't know what a samurai is (highly unlikely upon introspection. Level 42 samurai in FFXI. I think I know, okay), but Gackt doesn't exactly strike me as the type. Something about the makeup and the girlish figure and him being undoubtedly adverse to sword fights at dawn.
Now here's a poem entitled "Sweet Dreams". I immediately turned on the Eurythmics because, uhhh, but let's see how this goes:

So beautiful
I've never seen that place
When the trip is over
I want to go with you

I go on ahead to the next city, until, before I know it, you're far away.
Continually filling the hole in my heart with violent noise, I fell asleep

Hmmm the lyrics are suddenly reminding me of that song "Back to Paradise" from Gundam 0083 in that, like everything from that show, it was awesome and this sucks, so-- wait.

You know, many days like this have come and gone; even though we are apart, I'm still feeling it.
Whenever I am alone, in my thoughts I talk to you...

I wonder if you've already gone to sleep?

Holy shit why did I pick this blog? I should have checked more carefully. It's just image upon image now.
Which is great, I might add. I sure can look at Gackt forever and think "wow what a super faggot".

that practice will end me.... I don't want the new week to start...*sobs* T_T

geez... Gackt is taking over my fanatism world! I totally forgot my other favorites! Totally abandoned Nishikido and Alex Band.... Sorry guys! The weird thing is that I used to like only female artists, now it's opposite o_O well if we won't include Zhang Ziyi....

What?
Being an expert in all things kung fu I actually know who Ziyi Zhang is but I'm assuming the other people are singers and she's an actress, so I don't really know what's going on, here. Which would be par for the course, honestly, but I don't really--

Do we Dears have to do the same as that psycho Miley Cyrus fan and threat to make a meal from our cats to make that man sleep more?!

I guess my main problem with this blog is I can pretty much just point to any given entry and just say "LOOK AT THIS SHIT."

Um... I have a weird love for criminal stories....... I wanna share one with you....... Involving cannibalism....I'm really dumb for writting this here while I'm all alone in the "flat"..but i'll do it...

So....um Yeah.. Let me introduce you a man named Issei Sagawa......

All right let me spare your period key, honey, and spoil the story: he ate some Australian hostesses.
Yes I, too, watch the True Crime channel.

Anyone has a HQ full lenght picture of Gackt's Diabolos "Lust fro blood" coat? I need it badly! T_T

WORDS. I hear tell of something called a "spelling and grammar checker" but I don't know, I think it's a dark and forbidden magic.
Also I like how she accuses everyone of ripping off this Gackt dude when I seem to recall a guy named, what was it? Alice Cooper or something? Doing similar shit in the 70s. Just saying.
He had the added bonus of releasing good songs as well, so something to think about.
Now she claims to be a fan of Britney Spears and I officially want to apologize for making fun of your music taste. It's really brave of you to be a music fan and deaf at the same time.
Okay this Gackt thing has to stop, seriously. This is getting ridiculous. I understand you're a fan, but it's time to post about something unrelated. Perhaps, and this is probably asking for too much, something unrelated to Japan?
Nope, no end in sight-- time to do something else.

:v

Here today we have some kind of bullshit. Something I would have hoped I escaped at the end of this semester, but I guess it's rearing its ugly head for one final "hey fuck you bro"
Since, like all people like this, the concept of editing for conciseness or clarity is far beyond their weak kung fu, so I'll take the liberty of fixing that.
So here's a story about murder but she made it boring somehow, I don't know. Her conclusion is that it's "probably for the best" that a guy who killed three people doesn't get out of jail. Taking a controversial stance, I see.

One day my son is going to ask me about the ugliness in the world and he'll ask me how it is one person's actions can destroy so many lives, and why there isn't more done to stop it.

"Read the short story (or watch the movie, whichever) 'Minority Report' and check back with me."
Actually read the story. I won't do anything pretentious like say "it's better than the movie" but it does feature 100% less Tom Cruise.

I think a teenager kinda sorta flirted with me in Wal-Mart today. If he was a day over 18, I'll eat my hat.

The really sad part is I saw him later with his mother, and then I realized why he looked so damn familiar. I know his older brother from high school, and I even went to his house once. His older brother was two years younger than me.

I feel like a dirty old woman. Seriously, wtf?

Way to go, grandma!

We're so completely incapable of respecting women that we don't realize the heroic odds against which women labor to lead full lives.

Maybe it's because I'm a huge mythologfag but I kind of resent the term "heroic odds" in application to average existence.
Even if you hit fifteen royal flushes in a row in poker it's-- actually that'd be pretty awesome, come to think of it. Yeah, when that happens you can call yourself a hero.

And, God, I'm so damned sick of idiots who whine, "But don't you believe women should take basic precautions?! All it is is locking a door....or wearing pants....or not drinking....or not having a life......:"

Having played with a woman character in FFXI for going on a year now, I'm convinced you're fully capable of defending yourself. Just make sure your pants are Byakko's Haidate and you're toting a blau doch (German grammar ahoy! [brotip, SE: it should be baluer doch]) or something.
Remember: someone always has the upper hand, so make sure it's you!

Here's the precautions that people think women should take: don't wear mini skirts, high heels, walk at night, keep your keys poked out between your fingers, don't park in ramps, don't wear overalls, long hair, ponytails, drink with guys, go to parties, and in short, don't have fun.

It's probably my unique advantage of being a white man (and am therefore more likely to do the raping than be raped) but all of these sound like perfectly reasonable conclusions. I mean look at Shaolin monks: no one is raped less than Shaolin monks, and it's because they're bald and masters of kung fu.

Live in fear, ladies, is the message, and then people will gloat because, hey, somebody's got to suffer, and isn't that women are supposed to do?

Live in fear is sound advice, actually. People are far too trusting of other people. This applies to men as much as women, but women are more likely to be raped, so it's probably safe to take some precautions.

Never once have I heard my male friends warned to look over their shoulder, to walk with their keys ready to fend off an attacker, to keep an eye on a drink at a party lest someone slip something into it, etc.

I do all of this shit just because it pays to be alert. I also watch the drinks of others. Nothing gets through on my watch.
Haven't caught anyone slipping anyone a roofie but I have caught someone SNEEZING ON SOMEONE'S DRINK GROSS.
Also the CIA keeps emailing me about a job fair. Coincidence? Hell no, they know about my super spy powers.

On the one hand, I really dislike religion and its trappings. I'm nowhere near an atheist, but I tend to be far more spiritual than anything else,

No not reading this.

It's frustrating. For a long time I felt nothing, then a few months ago I mentioned wanting to get back into the whole pagan deal, but nothing ever came of it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha llllllllllllllllll.

You know, there's many a night when I lie in bed and ask myself questions. The questions range from the mundane (Did I turn off all the lights? Did I put the kiddo's folder in his backpack for shool?) to the spiritual (Is there really an afterlife?) and the philosophical (Is this the real life, or just fantasy? Am I caught in a landslide with no escape from reality?*). But in all honesty** there is no question I ask myself more than this: "What's the precise percentage of skin a woman should expose in order to attract a male partner*** and not look like a cheating whore?"

I don't usually ask myself questions so much as wonder what life would be like if sleep worked like the Elder Scrolls games. You know, a bar just pops up and empties and suddenly 9 hours have passed?

A local dentist, someone I went to when I was the kiddo's age, shot and killed himself the day before yesterday.

True story: dentists are three times more likely to kill themselves than any other occupation.
Now here's the world's longest post that is way too much fucking personal information, but it's totally awesome.
Guess how many mental breakdowns she's had? At least one!

I...I think I'm starting to like Lady Gaga, guys. I might even purchase her albums...

>buy
>music

Now there's a series of Tweets that she seriously overestimates herself if she thinks I'm reading.
Good day, all.

:-|

Just rolled past the 1,000,000 gil mark in FFXI, got samurai to level 38 and all in all life was feeling good, another hour wasted to Mee Deggi (got yet another pair of impact knuckles and all I lost was my dignity) notwithstanding, it put me in a pretty good mood. Winter break is about to get into swing with only one more final (Japanese final, I have this in the bag) remaining, life is pretty good. The past two days have treated me well.
THEN I SAW THIS.
I'm not sure where to start, really. I guess it's hard to open properly without first addressing that image she linked, but it's so clearly trollbait (something she even admits to, yet she falls for it hook, line and sinker so I'm not really sure what her point was in pointing out its obvious status as a trolling attempt when it so clearly succeeded). I guess some people can't help themselves?

Do I realize that shipping is not like being in a relationship? Yes.

Have I ever been in a relationship with a real live person? Yes, thank you for assuming I haven't.

"Shipping", as I understand it, is writing fanfiction about relationships. You know that part in Gundam where Amuro acts like a fucking spastic and gets thrown in the brig for two weeks for being a tool factory and Fraw Bow comes to visit him and all you're thinking is "please God let the next scene have Char in it," well some people were watching that shit with bated breath.
I don't get it, mang.
Also I crossed out your last line because "internet relationships" don't fucking count.

Have I ever been in love with someone? Yes.

Have I ever loved someone "enough to respond to their 'Jump' with nothing but 'How high?'" No.

Because I am not a fucking dog.

REMAINS TO BE SEEN WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Just. WAT.

... Sad thing is, I'm tempted to do it. For the lulz.

xD

This annoyed me so much I decided I would share with you all.

In 2010,

Doesn't matter. World is ending.
Oh wait that's 2012. Sorry, proceed.

a Spiderman musical is coming out on Broadway. It's called "Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark." If you thought to yourself "man that's a shit title," then you thought the same thing I did.

Actually the first thing I thought to myself was "I really care about whatever the fuck it is I'm reading."

The worst two minutes I've spent this month were listening to Julie Taymor justify that subtitle by relating some ridiculous story Bono apparently told her about a little kid who once asked his dad to "turn off the dark" rather then "turn on the light."

Really? Good month, then.
I mean yeah it features Bono, which in terms of shittiness probably ranks up there, but hey.

Oh, did I forget to mention? Bono and The Edge wrote the score. Excellent.

This does sound pretty dire. Spider-man is pretty much a fagort anyway, so adding a score by U2 doesn't help.

The Smut Writer's Meme: Name any pairing from past or current fandoms and ask me a question. I'll tell you anything you want to know about their sex lives from my own personal fanon.

Wow that is a Thanksgiving treat! Also: "fanon"? Really? You know if you had your own creative talent you could invent your own canon of whatever the fuck it is you wanted, but of course that won't happen because you're too busy pondering how "kawaii" Amuro and Char would be together.

Guys. Guys. The crossover fic is writing itself in my head and I want it OUT.

When I saw "With my bb Keanu portraying Spike this is an overload of goodness" in the comments I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.


Just.


Why.



Edit: Someone suggested Dakota Fanning = Mello and I'll admit, I lol'd.

I'm. About 85% certain they were kidding :|

Here was my face when I read this:

You know what's weird about reading this manga?

The protagonist is a horrible, horrible human being. And I have no sympathy for vigilantism. But... I like him!

This must be what they call "good writing", something you will surely never experience first hand.

He's got "death by hubris" written all over him.

That's right, bitch. Nemesis doesn't fuck around.

So I was reading Dan Brown's new book. Yes I know. Shut up. I know they're terrible and they're factually questionable and deliberately controversial, yadda yadda, but they're kind of fun.

Actually they're not factually questionable. It's undeniably fiction.

I think I should learn how to swear at people in Yiddish. Because all insults in Yiddish are hilarious.

Like so: Ale tseyn zoln bay im aroysfaln, not eyner zol im blaybn oyf tsonveytung.

Which means "All his teeth should fall out except one to make him suffer."

LONGEST FUCKING CURSE IN HISTORY.
Get your fucking act together, Yiddish. This is why you're a dying language.

Pick a paragraph (or any passage less than 500 words) from any fanfic I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet:

It's kind of funny that you think anyone gives a shit.

Inarticulate rant is inarticulate and ranty, but I am just so.

SO fucking pissed about this healthcare debate right now. Pissed at Obama, too, for even considering dropping the public option. How is that healthcare reform, if you drop that? I don't even think that having a public option is enough.

Heh, armchair politicians.

There's my reaction to this kind of bullshit.

Obama should push this bill through the way he wants it, and say "fuck you" to anyone who complains.

Okay I feel equipped to respond to this. Obama is a fucking pussy. He's a weak motherfucker. He wouldn't say "fuck you" if you shit on his breakfast table. He's a goddamn weak-willed, do nothing wimp.
Gone are the days where there were strong and dynamic leaders.

I AM A BISEXUAL.

I LIKE BOTH WOMEN AND MEN.

I AM REAL, AND I AM HERE. DEAL WITH IT.

I'm bi, if you don't like it deal w/it.
Also: lol high school girls thinking they're bi and admitting to it on the internet so they think guys will find them hot.
Didn't work then, doesn't work now.

Fair warning: do NOT click that link if you're not in the mood to get angry. Not just "some asshole cut me off in traffic" angry, either. I'm actually shaking with rage right now, that is how bad this is.

This is apparently about a blog where women post creepy letters their (presumably ex) boyfriends wrote them. I'll read this, because I'm always in the mood for some FUCKING FURY.
Yeah I read it. Here's my official blanket reaction to your blanket reaction:
Well I have shit to do. Be seeing you, AIDS patients.