I Enjoy This.

Livejournal is 10 years old. Happy birthday, sewer of the internet.
Here, today, we have Gabby's Rants on Life, and while I don't know how interesting they are (they aren't) they certainly are long. I mean loooooooooong.
Did I mention they were long?

I've been reading a lot about babies lately so I thought maybe I'd write a short little blog about my baby brother and stuff.

>short little
>1700+ words
I've written essays for school that were shorter.

You've seen him here. His name is ONeill.

... Surely that's a last name?

Anyways.

Oh you.

So my senior year of high school a shit load of the girls in my grades started having kids. And not like "Fuck I got pregnant but I don't believe in abortion so I'll have the kid" situations. But like "I want to have a kid so I'll have sex as often as possible unprotected until I do." situations. Crazy right?

There's this great book called The Marching Morons that I personally believe should be requisite reading in high school. It's a lot better than that bullshit Atlas Shrugged or Anthem or whatever nonsense they have kids reading these days.
If they're going to make them read some dystopian fiction let's go all out and have them read the real shit.
That entire paragraph kind of reminded me of that.

I was like like, "lol okay. She's cute."

This is fascinating. Please, continue.

I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know I'm being mean.

OHHHHHHHH IT'S OKAY!

ANYWAYS! lol

LOL! YOU'RE SUCH A CARD, GABY!

So I thought maybe I'd explain what happened a few days ago. And I know that almost everyone with a baby goes through this but just bear with the story.

This is still the same fucking post, incidentally. We are now... 8 paragraphs into this and she's just now getting to her point.

Kevin has a thing about poo, he doesn't like it and it makes he want to vomit so thats the main reason he always needs someone with him while babysitting ONeill.

Pussy.
So your step-father is a putz, okay.

ONeill had taken off his diaper, pood in his crib and started playing with it! He rubbed the poo all over his covers and them started smothering it all over the crib itself! He even got some on the walls .

Glad to see with two adults on the scene you still couldn't prevent the child from smearing feces all over himself and his surrounding area.
I'm sure this story just goes up from here!

Well we figured out my brother had diarrhea. He poo'd, AGAIN, and it was so liquidy that it was seeping out and staining his clothes and even, the new bedsheets.

I might wonder why you'd even be sharing a story like this for the entire internet to read, but then I remember I'm on the internet.

I have now decided to join Harry Potterism.

Wacky Hijynx!

And guess what? We're BETTER than Christianity. Christianity only has one holy book. We have SEVEN! Beat that, dick lickers.

Actually the Bible is a compendium, not a book. That's why each "chapter" of the Bible is called the "Book of Job" or the "Gospel of Matthew" it's actually a rather haphazard jumble of fables, parables, songs and other stories. Page for page it's probably shorter (mercifully) than Harry Potter but I can assure you there are technically more than 7 "books" to the Bible. If we were to count all the accompanying Apocrypha to the Bible then I'm sure it's actually far, far longer than Harry Potter.
I'm sorry you were trying (trying being the operative word) to be funny. Please, continue.
... Oh. That's the end of the post.
Well I must say, dear Gaby, you are smart (smart as in sharp, as in clever, not intellectually gifted, which you are that as well). You should perhaps think of going on tour, or perhaps writing a book even!

The anti-Christian bias in our society has reached absurd proportions. Consider:

1. During the 1988 election campaign, George Bush said that Christians should not be considered patriots or real American citizens.

I see what you did there. He actually said that about atheists and not Christians at all! I sure do looooove chain letters. Especially when they're posted on blogs!
Glad to see George Bush's (either one) opinion is still considered relevant and important enough in stardate 2009 to warrant posting about! Oh, that's right, I remember now, he was irrelevant even when he was president.
Don't you people have something better to do with your time? (Rhetorical question with an answer: no).

From Scientific Paganism list...think about it Christians...if this list were real how would you feel?

They'd probably cry persecution just like they do now. That's the awesome thing about persecution: you can call it pretty much regardless, even if you are a crushing 80% of the American population.
Meanwhile the good religion (the real religion) Greek Mythology only has 3 tiny factions. Hellenic Polytheistic Reconstructivists (cunts, just look at that fucking name), Discordians (heretics) and me. Hi.
Oh, she's selling her animus and mangos. Let's see-- nope, all shit.
.Hack was okay, all right. But I don't see Fist of the North Star or Berserk or Saint Seiya, so you can go fuck yourself.

Okay so I'm selling some of my books that I've acquired over a small period of time. These are mostly pretty light reads leaning more towards what a teenage girl might be interested in reading.

Fair enough, let's see--

Alice in Wonderland .50 (almost new)

Alice in Wonderland is fucking awesome what's wrong with you? If you want a lesson in grimdark and madness look no further. But nooooooooo have to offload that for 50 cents.

Okay, so maybe (I guess) I haven't established my personality on this site yet.

We're going in reverse-chronological order so I suppose this might be warranted.

I am VERY sexual.

Is that a personality trait? I would put that more in the category of "things you do" versus "things you are" you could not be sexual. But then again I guess you could not be a cunt, so I don't know.

Almost a slut except I don't sleep around.

O-- oh. In that case, I'm almost a nice guy, except I'm not nice to people.
Wow that is a neat trick.

I have had quite a couple fuck buddies since college started and I don't see myself stopping anytime soon.

ma chérie.
Such manners! Such high breeding!

When it comes to sex I am the MASTER! Yes, master. You read it.

I read a lot of things. Doesn't make them true.

If there's something up with you relationship wise (whether it be romantic or sexual) I most likely have a good answer for you.

Doubt it. You may be whoremaster extraordinaire, but I can basically read minds.

I know this blog is totally crappy and it might sound like I bragging.

That's what my blog is basically 100% of the time. Quote a post, "you may think you're awesome but (here's some achievement that's marginally superior that no one cares about)." See it's all how you frame it, Gaby. While I might be annoying about it sometimes, I actually frame it around a parody-- I tell people to stop doing these things because they're ruining the internet (exaggeration, it was never good) and then I commit exactly what I tell them not to do.
THAT'S WHY I TELL THE JOKES, PEOPLE!

Oh please, I've probably had more fuck buddies in the past two years then they'll have their entire lives (yea it sounds skanky but I'm just being honest. And YES Vanessa. YES Rachel. I am being safe.)

So she acknowledges she's maybe doing the wrong thing in her blog but does nothing to address it?

I understand that sometimes you just want a quick fuck and then get on with your day. I have those times too.

I take it back. You really do understand.

On a completely different topic, I'm thinking about applying to the University of Illinois in Chicago.

Whoa, what? Sorry it's a little jarring to go from "I was just fucking in the backseat of some guy's car" to "I'm applying to the University of Illinois!" I know you (kind of) transitioned and even had a nice page break for me, but take it easy, holy shit.

So I made the point of saying that if the girl had the abortion THEN went back to being all 'pro life' that she was a hypocrite.

Yes, imagine. A Christian, being hypocritical? That has never happened before!

As much of an adult as you might feel, you AREN'T!

Neither are you, Mrs. "I-Just-Turned-19". I'm allowed to pull this stunt because I'm 21. 21 beats 19 and 14, I win. Blackjack. (I had a jack and a 10 in case someone thought I don't know the rules of blackjack, which I don't actually).

I'm tired of hearing you guys gushing about how much you love so-and-so and how happy you get just by seeing them walk by you in the hallway.

How often do you hear 14 year olds speak? I know I have never listened to a 14 year old speak, even when I was 14.

061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [] ran a mile

Gaby confirmed for fatty.
Well this post is getting almost as long as one of your posts, Gaby. I must say I've enjoyed this blog more than I have any of the ones lately.
We should do this again sometime~

The Bro Crusade Continues

Today I tackled the Promyvion runs in FFXI and cleared them all, so pretty much any achievement imaginable pales in comparison. It's all there in the title: PROmyvion.
So here we are today.
A fellow Final Fantasy fan, going by the avatars. Yes, Final Fantasy VI was the best. This does not mean I'm going soft on you, though. If anything I'm now holding you to a higher standard because you are familiar with things that are not shit and therefore have no excuse for your heathen ways.

Two things that I find unfair:

Somehow I bet both of these articles you are, in fact, in control of, but do continue.

That I only truly want to be writing when I am nowhere near something that I can use to write.

Yep definitely don't give a fuck.

That in order to get a good job I have to do things like apply and interview and go to job fairs and that just scares me and makes me unhappy.

OH, WELL FUCK ME! LITTLE PRINCESS DOESN'T WANT TO DO WORK TO... GET A JOB?
Also I've cut about a paragraph from each of these two items. You didn't miss anything, she just literally got her point across in one sentence and then continued to prattle on.
See that, Jen (I love being on a first name basis with the various bloggers :3)? I didn't have anything further to say so I ended the thought.

I GOT AN A IN RESEARCH METHODS, AKA THE CLASS THAT HAS BEEN IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE SINCE SEPTEMBER. Okay so yes I got As in all other classes but the B in econ but those don't seem NEARLY as wonderful/exciting/etc. I GOT AN A IN 406.

Well whoopdeeshit I got an A in all my classes.

Now it's time to make Aziraphale's life miserable by remixing my angsty WWII slash fic <3>

I know what World War II is, and I know what Azazel is (an obscure character in Jewish Apocrypha, but given this cunt probably from some anime) but I have no clue what this sentence means. At all.

Belial just popped into my head, along with his reasoning for deciding to seduce Uriel

What is this I don't even
All right for those of you unfamiliar with Jewish and Christian mythology and associated texts and apocrypha (who could blame you?) Belial is, well, first a term, as in the oft-mentioned "riotous sons of Belial" basically, greedy people who would do anything for money. Crooks, thieves, rogues, etc. Belial was later personified as the demon of greed. His most famous appearance is perhaps in Milton's "Paradise Lost", where he attempts to convince the Court of Hell to develop the natural resources of Hell, which was rich in valuable metals.
Uriel is a rather obscure Seraph (highest order of angels) who I believe is briefly mentioned in Dante's Divine Comedy as well as "Paradise Lost" and figures only slightly more heavily into the cult classic Shin Megami Tensei series.
I can't be certain if they were gay or not, but I would have to assume Uriel would spurn this advance considering they are embroiled in a bitter war and are on opposite sides of the conflict.
UNLESS THIS IS A GAY ROMEO AND JULIET STORY HOW ROMANTIC~
Oh here she posts an excerpt.

Uriel was tidying up and singing to himself. “Love me hate me say what you want about me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are beggin’ to IF YOU SEEK AMY!”

Belial’s eye twitched.

“Say, you know, that song is so catchy but makes no sense,” Uriel admitted, “No sense at all. IF YOU SEEK AMY? What does that even mean?”

Belial’s eye began to spasm.

“IIIIFFFFFF YOOOOUUUU SEEEEEEK AAAAAMMMMYYYY. FFFFFFF UUUUU CCCCCCCC KKKKKKK MMMMEEEEEEE. Huh. No, doesn’t mean anything. Weird.”

If Belial had a soul, it would have died.

Well that was bad and didn't make a lot of sense. I'd like to mention that Belial is only a soul by definition but whatever, hey who needs all this book learnin' when you can shit out this PURE GENIUS?

XD Sorry those two amuse me.

LOL XD IN THAT CASE YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
Oh now we get deep insight in the form of an AIM conversation. These are always fucking stupid. Put your goggles on, because I suspect unprotected eyes will be irrevocably damaged upon viewing this:

[15:29] steadfast: he will get involved in a duel to the death (not sure with who XD) that occurs over a pit of spikes that are on fire while the kraken tries to suck him down
[15:29] steadfast: so i guess we could do that XD
[15:29] foxxfire5: xDD
[15:30] foxxfire5: what are we going to do? have him spiked underwater?
[15:30] steadfast: XD
[15:30] steadfast: just
[15:30] steadfast: XD

In a two minute window (at most), FIVE "XD"s.
This conversation continues in this fashion for another five minutes, and in that window there are another SIX "XD"s, bringing the grand total (in a six minute clip of a conversation) to 11. That's almost two every minute.

So I finally sat down and forced myself to read Twilight. It took about 4 hours.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I figured it would be.

Thanks. I didn't put much time into my best seller but it has made me a fortune.

Two more scenes to go, still. Well, three, if I'm including some sort of climactic fight scene against el dragon, which I haven't quite decided whether or not I'm going to write or not.

I don't usually count climactic battles where most of the action is resolved as a scene, but I can see where you might consider it one of the most important parts of a story.

I finally got up the metaphysical balls to look at the grad school apps I still have hanging

I guess all those big bad psychology classes (and an English minor, no less) don't extend into the definition of "metaphysical" (protip: your statement didn't make that much sense).

Do you remember how I complained that my brain doesn't think linearly - that I can write the end of stories before the beginning, etc.? Prime example of this: MY BRAIN HAS DECIDED TO WORK ON THE SEQUEL.

OH NO IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME METHOD OF WRITING WHEREIN YOU COULD DIVIDE INDIVIDUAL STORIES INTO SMALLER SECTIONS AND THEN ORGANIZE THEM LATER IN A FASHION THAT MAKES SENSE TO THE READER! Unfortunately to my knowledge no such thing exi-- oh no, no wait, I remember now: they're called chapters. Might want to look into them.

Second, it turns out that my Good Omens novella has gotten about 300 viewers per chapter.

*~success~*
I'm parring the next paragraph down to a sentence so that it isn't so boring (and stupid).

Oh, and I ordered statues of the archangels so that they don't smite me because of the fact that they're all characters in the novella.

I forgot what I was going to say about this, honestly. The glaring stupidity of this paragraph just crushed all rational thought I had for about ten minutes.

Things Jen needs to get done today:

But wait, aren't you Jen?
Oh who cares?
This goes on and on forever about shit I don't care about, so I'm going to do something else now.

No way you're topping this, brosef

Beat the Shadow Lord today in FFXI, which means I'm officially at the endgame if the year was 2004. I also got the Warlock's Tabard, so I'm pretty pro at the moment. I also did some silly irl stuff like got straight aces in all my classes, but no one actually gives a shit about that. I just thought I'd mention it in case one of these bloggers decides to go on about their WoW OR school accomplishments. I've already got them trumped. The only thing I have to fear is if they say they kissed a girl, but given these cunts I think I'm safe.
Actually just kidding, all I'd have to do is show those bitches a picture of the Shadow Lord and they'd jump my bones immediately. Yeah, that's right, I'm a knight on the internet.
Oh right, you probably came here expecting me to riff on a blog (that sounded homoerotic) instead of prattling on for two paragraphs about whatever the fuck it is I just said. Anyway, here we go~

I need to figure out how to survive while working only 40 hours a week. No more.

Rob banks. Actually just kidding, if there's any crime in the world that you'll get caught for (after serial killing) it's bank robbing. Uhh, you could seduce bored rich women, but that implies you have charm, so-- no, rob banks. I think you're more likely to succeed at that.

I know that sounds stupid but I want my life to be about more than work.

Not in this economy. Enjoy working 120 hour weeks and dying at 80. Poor.

I want the rest of my life to be filled with more video games, more dog time, and soon some kitten time.

Sounds like you need to multitask. Do you know how many people in my FFXI Linkshell play while at work? It's like half. You live in America, bro, the most decadent society on Earth, you can pretty much get away with anything as long as you're not a doctor or a lawyer and you sit in front of a computer in a cubicle all day. You just need to get a little innovative.

And I think I want it to be in New York so thats probably where I'm going. New York, Chicago, or Honolulu.

I'm trying to imagine the individual that would actually have a decision to make between Chicago and Honolulu, then I remember I'm on the internet. OH BOY, A FREEZING ARM PIT OF A CITY THAT ONLY HAS ONE MAJOR CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD (the 1950s TV show "The Untouchables") OR A TROPICAL PARADISE, UHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- I'm not even going to mention New York. They seem to have a bit of an airplane problem. (too soon?)

I am really happy I decided to only keep 5 pokemon on my team. I have been using the 6th slot for the random pokemon that know the stupid HM moves.

Ah yes, the famous "five or six Pokemon" conundrum.

I used to waste time figuring out how to divide those moves among my main 6 but it so much easier to just put in on bitch pokemon that I don't train/ care about.

Jesus Christ welcome to 1996. I thought I was stuck in a time warp when I was excited about my 2004 video game accomplishment, but this guy is even worse off.

What are my fears? I still have a fear of sea monsters and dislike the idea of swimming in deep water.

Your irrational fears are stupid. Seriously, sea monsters? What are you, 12?
Actually, given that he seriously plays Pokemon, that's a distinct possibility.

Dood, could I hate my job any more? Why is my boss such a bitch. Chubi, you are so hard to work for. And you're an idiot! Uhhhhhhh I hate you!

Just act like a dope around her so she won't suspect you're capable of anything, but always do more than you're expected to do. Then when upper management comes around, make sure they know who is running the show (you) she'll be disarmed by your idiot routine that she'll look doubly incompetent when an underling outperformed her that you'll get promoted over her.
Office politics is easy if you're patient~
Also, remember: grab Fortune from the front. I don't know, I read that somewhere. Personally I got a bit of a double entendre from it, since the mythological character Fortuna (Tyche in Greek) is the goddess of fortune, so it's basically advocating grabbing some boob, but I'm sure that was just me~

Last week: Internetting from a phone, not enough Ina, trouble with transportation, missing Big O, and Drifblim/Torterra/Togetic/Noctowl.

Big O is one of the greatest cartoons ever made and you should feel bad for missing it.
Also Drifblim is stupid and you should feel bad for training it. Replace it with Gengar. Fuck year, Gengar.

My largecunt boss's daughter just turned 6 the other day so they flew her to Miami to go shopping. Um, fuck these people??? Apparently the kid's playhouse in her backyard has air conditioning, a bedroom, and a lounge. See also, my new apartment.


Life isn't fair so why complain about it? Instead I am going to eat some rice krispies and yell at my puppies for biting each other too much.

There you go, life sucks so eat Rice Krispies. I love it when these bloggers admit they eat too much.
Apparently this is a man writing this. He has to be gay.

So I canceled my date so I could give the puppies a bath, do laundry, and balance my checkbook.

Definitely gay.

Pokémon is incredible. I am going on a date soon???

The ladies won't respect your Pokemon skills, bro. Maybe if you had a hard-won victory over the Shadow Lord they'd be more sympathetic, but not with your SMALL TIME shit.

Bought a pink DS and some adhesive gingham bows to decorate. Not embarrassed.

Deeeeeeeefinitely gay.

So I talked to Dale, my manager at IHOP, and decided to "cut back" on hours instead of quitting entirely. Mostly this is because I am a pussy but until I have my new car moped I'll need ever cent I can get my hands on.

Not getting ahead in the world of office politics like that, Seth. (I love being on a first name basis with the people I review). Remember: Dale would cut your throat out if he thought it would give him an edge, so don't think twice about fucking him over.

Do I just bring bad luck? Is it karma?

:{
I wish they'd go over this Karma thing in school.

Life is weird. Sadness becomes happiness and grudges disappear.

True hatred rings eternal. I don't think that's a Warhammer quote, either. They should probably add that.
Now there's a post that insinuates he reads Harlequin romance novels. I'm now not entirely convinced he's a man. Isn't that an 18-35 year old woman thing?

I actually really dislike the idea of space exploration but watching the launch was really pretty fun.

You clearly watch giant robot shows because you said you watched Big O. That's the result of space exploration. It's Gundam. Or Warhammer. Either way, fuck you.

So I went to check out some culinary schools. $40,000 a year. A YEAR! Whatthefuckever. No. No no no. I will never be able to afford that.

Hi, there's something called student loans. Maybe you should look into them.

Every time a page has trouble loading and it sites it temporarily as a "fatal error" a large part of me is like, "Whatever. Do you even know what fatal means? Aren't you supposed to be a computer?"

Definition of fatal:

4 a: causing death b: bringing ruin fatal attraction to gambling> c: causing failure fatal design flaw>

Smart ass.
Well, Captain Faggot continues. I'm not, so enjoy your weekend~