Fanfiction and Fat Fucks

Fanfiction is 18 levels of disturbing I don't even want to get into. Why are all these women writing violent sex fanfics? Sounds like you all need a sound fucking to me. That's the only rational excuse for this bullshit I can come up with.
Of course, woman writing violent domination and humiliation fanfiction starring two men.
King Arthur and Merlin, naturally.
I mean can you think of any two better candidates for this treatment than the King of the Bretons and the wily mage?
I certainly can't.
I suspect this has less to do with ancient Breton mythology and more to do with there's a TV show about it.
Also this layout, despite being incredibly douchey, is definitely readable.
So there's that, I suppose.

What other foreign languages do you know? Which one(s) do you want to learn?

The amount of honesty to this question surprised me. I was expecting three major answers: Russian shit no one can read, LOL JAPANESE ^_^ and the snooty faggot "French and Italian because I'm high class" and yet most people were willing to admit they barely passed high school Spanish.

American English, Japanese, Spanish, & Mandarin Chinese. Enough Latin, Italian, Korean, Egyptian and Modern Arabic to get around, and can read French, and Portuguese.

I'm trying on the German, I really am!

And then we come to this answer.
There's a part of me, and it's a large part, that's calling bullshit on this. You've managed to learn Japanese, Mandarin to fluency (apparently) and "enough to get around" of Arabic and Korean and yet you're struggling with German?
I'm not buying it.
Also, take me to the part of the world where you need Latin to get around.

Hey everyone.

I want to let everyone know I am doing fine. I am recovering. : ) Thank you all for your kind wishes.

Awwww what happened to my special buttercup?

I been able to write a few paragraphs, and draw a little, but nothing too big.

But, I do seem to be able to make small minor art at the moment, which means i can do shit, which means im a little happier and can get my mind off the funeral sunday. Maybe I can get back to full writing and drawing mode soon. How odd...

So, shimeji merlin it is then.

Must be something major to tame this amount of creativity!
Oh, funeral.
Somehow you've made the death of another about you.
Unsurprising but still.

hey everyone.

One of my good friends just recently died, so I'm putting this up while I'm still lucid and too numb. I wont be able to update anything for an unknown amount of time.

Should I post this on my main wip fills on kinkme as well?

My friend died
Should I post to Kinkme?
"Only you can answer that" would be my response.
What-- how do these thoughts even become related in your mind?
Friend died--
What is Kinkme?
I can guess but let's find out.
Seller of fine adult toys-- ah, an account she has for fanfiction of the kinky nature.
THIS EXISTS.
And here's some fanfiction.

Warnings: noncon, dubcon, bonds.

Uhhh--
Have you ever seen that episode of Spongebob where he has to go to the bathroom and the only labels on the door are a question mark and an upside down question mark and he's not sure which to use so he waits until someone goes in and it's just a series of sea monsters coming in and out?
I suddenly know how he feels.
There are warnings but I have no way of heeding them. This reminds me of my bottles of paint that are entirely in Spanish but then quite emphatically there's a skull, an exclamation point and a stick figure man on fire.
Oh boy.

Summary: Now, she is the only thing he misses, looks forward to, and he hates himself for it.


Merlin lies in the darkness.

He has lain there for such a long time. He doesn’t know how many hours or days, he’s been here. The minutes stretch by uncounted. He could have been lying here for years and not have known it, as his mind grows duller, breaking down, succumbing to the madness.

I think you'd know if you were lying there for years.
Also I'd like to point out Merlin is one of three figures in Breton mythology who can raise the dead.
Another is Christ so that's pretty fucking powerful.
And the other is some witch but let's not dwell on that.
Merlin's sorcerous power approaches that of Christ himself.
Obviously he wants to be tied up because there's little physically stopping him, I'm guessing.

He has begun looking forward to Morgause’s visits.

Almost.

It is the warmth, he misses. He is sure that is what he desires. The warm fire from the torch, the witch brings with her.

I'd like to point out Merlin doesn't really fear her in any story I've ever read, he just lets her troll Arthur so he'd learn some lesson about chivalry or something.
So this goes on and on like this and then it just ends.
Great.

Only my art muse is awake today. That being said, anyone want some art for their fic? : )

I wish I had an image to encompass how douchey these two sentences but I don't.
I don't blame myself, though. I don't think such a beast exists.

I came out to my grandparents today. We were sitting in the living room, watching those old westerns, when I told them " I like men...a little."

THIS IS A MAN?
HA.

My grandfather leaned over, and told me in the deepest southern accent " you're now just fucking figuring this out?"

Well, needless to say I received enough hugs to last a lifetime, and I was the only one who cried(a little!)

Seriously, Christ all mighty. I was never so confident this was a woman.
You'd think I'd fucking learn, though. Never, ever commit to a statement of gender until you've seen then naked. You just cannot tell.

So, all I wanted to say to everyone out there was, thank you for your wonderful fanfictions, and simply being awesome people. : ) I think I may write a 'coming out' story for Merlin now.

Maybe it's because I'm such a mythologyfag but writing coming out stories for Merlin seems especially tacky to me.

I'll be right back, I need to go have a good cry.(I never actually stopped. All well, fuck it!)

Yes, congratulations.
Can we, for once, not make this a self-indulgent production?
Of course not, I was just being rhetorical.
Or "ironic" if I'm feeling hipster.
Oh boy, another fanfiction entry.

Summary: “How dare you talk to me like that, I am the King!” Arthur spat, brandishing his sword. He didn’t know the strange naked youth, nor did he care.

BRANDISHING HIS SWORD, EH?
NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO DRAW PHALLIC CONNECTIONS TO A SWORD, HAR.

The heavens mourned as the almighty sat within the council of gods. He wept, they all wept, as they watched one of their mortal children, destroy all he saw. Like a plague his forces swept the land, leaving nothing but death in its passing.

They sent the ruler visions, pleading him to stop the wars.

‘King Arthur, of the house of Pendragon, the son of Uther, and the godson of the Almighty god Constantine,’ they plead,

>God
>Constantine
Errr--
I think we have some confused mythology, here.
Although it was popular opinion at the time that England descended from the line of Troy after the sac of Troy at the hands of the Achaeans--
So in a way--
no fuck it this is stupid.
So the gods command you to not conquer the land but instead fuck other men.
That's some theology.
Can I do neither or do I have to do one or the other?
I can't believe this is a man.
Speaking of:

Jissai has come to the realization that he may be just slightly...very slightly...what's the word here?

Ah, yes, slightly,little, pinch of gay.

Speaking in the third person, are you?
Also what point did you realize this? When you were writing masturbatory material prominently featuring gay sex?
Christ on a cross.
Picture he drew of two men in bed together--

Well, since I am still waiting on my fanfic muse to return, I have been drawing like there is no tomorrow on the merlin fancomic.

Fanfiction muse.
Gag.
That's the retarded half sister of the other muses.
She's missing an eye and half her jaw and has a club foot-- we don't talk about her.
Another fanfic with the warning "future violence" which sounds more up my alley. Let's see.

You can do this



You chant the words over and over again, in your mind.



Like a prayer, a frail hope that you cannot but predict will break and fall as its wings shatter and eyes go still.

Nope fuck it.
Also have you skipped enough spaces between sentences? Maybe I should start doing that so it looks like I've written more than I have.

Magic is evil. Unnatural. It corrupts and twists a man until nothing but a monster is left, greedy eyes wide, scanning the horizon in search for its next conquest.

Except all those good wizards.
Or burn the witch--
What stance do I take so I can disagree with this toolbag?
I feel like I have to disagree with him.
I mean before he's practically sucking Merlin's magic dick and now this.
Uuuuuh fuck it.
CALL THE POLICE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

The Winner

The best stories tell simple stories with simple morals but the characters are what make the stories complex and interesting.
All posturing aside, the moral of The Odyssey is if you leave home you'll probably miss it and the moral of Dante's Inferno is often we punish ourselves harder than anything else. This is literally shit any 6 year old can tell you and yet if you're smart and well read you will consider these the pinnacle of storytelling.
Why is that?
COULD IT BE BECAUSE DANTE AND HOMER WEREN'T FUCKING HACKS?
Let's take another two pinnacles of storytelling: Gundam 0083 and Fist of the North Star.
Moral of Gundam 0083? Sometimes shit isn't quite what you expect it to be and sometimes responsibility is a lot less fun than you think it'll be. It's kind of a coming-of-age story wrapped up in political drama.
Fist of the North Star doesn't really have a moral outside of "inner strength is more important than physical strength" but that's a bit of a reach.
Were you to break the plots down it's basically "19 year old kid wants to pilot a Gundam, pilots a Gundam and finds a lot of responsibility and fighting comes with it" and Fist of the North Star is "Bruce Lee mixed with Clint Eastwood fights weirdos in postapocalyptic Japan."
WHY ARE MODERN PLOTS TO CHILDREN'S FICTION A TEN PAGE EPIC IN THEMSELVES?
If you couldn't tell from my previous rant, today's blogger is a writer.
Or a reader.
Anyway he's an asshole.

What is your biggest regret? Did you learn from it or does it still plague you?

Why did I buy into the hype of Spore at all?
What kind of fucking idiot am I?

I'm still going with not asking out the woman I met at the booksigning for Sea of Silver Light by Ted Williams in 2001.

THAT WAS TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. GO OUTSIDE AND TALK TO A GIRL YOU RETARD.
Losers and faggots of the world, listen to me: go East.
Actually this is really unsound advice if you're still lamenting not asking a girl you saw in a bookstore out 10 years ago because if you go to some shithole all you'll learn is you're as much a loser there as you are here.

Hooray for New York, which last week became the eighth state to legalize gay marriage and sixth where marriage equality is the law of the land (California and Maine walked it back). And boo to this person, who gets to be Today's Asshat. Apparently, Barbara Something Or Other, the town clerk of East Shitbox, New York, doesn't want to sign marriage certificates for gay couples because it's against her religion. You know what, Babs? Tough shit.

Well luckily people who have trouble doing their jobs quickly find themselves looking for a new one.
Although she does work for the government so maybe not.

I'm sorry, but I'm tired of mollycoddling people who think their religious beliefs are an excuse not to do their fucking jobs. You're a pharmacist: fill the fucking prescriptions. You're a town clerk: Sign the fucking marriage certificates.

I must say it's somewhat refreshing to see a blogger with some conviction and enough balls to say "fuck you and do your fucking job."
Maybe you're not so bad after all, kid.

The bookbanners are at it again. Here's a lovely little article from The Wall Street Journal talking about how dark and ugly Young Adult fiction has become. I don't want to engage too much with the article except to say that I'm not sure that the author has ever met a teen, and to point out once again that your problems with what authors write and publishers publish is your problem and not theirs.

I see I have another one of these blogs that has what we in litfag circles call "logorrhea" or RUNNING YOUR GODDAMN HOLE TOO MUCH.
Also yes, young adult literature is complete and utter shit today. Anyone remember Animorphs? Yeah well that woman wrote another series called Everworld and those books were totally batshit.
They should bring those back.

They're just writing about what they see and what they think kids will relate to. You're clutching your pearls and freaking out about the fact that children might actually develop a point of view. So how about you take a chill pill and talk to your kids about what they read, instead of excoriating the publishing industry for doing it's job?

So I know I'm asking for the impossible but can you people please learn the difference between "it's" and "its" (hint: they work backwards). Even people who are seemingly semiliterate can't manage this grammatical acrobatic act.
"it's" is always a contraction and its is always possessive. Is that so fucking difficult? People who are shit at English always talk about how the rules are never consistent enough. Well there are two rules that are ALWAYS CONSISTENT and yet you fuckers still manage to shit it up.
Bang up fucking job all around.

Also, gotta love this comment. Homeschooling mom decides to avoid the horrors of modern YA by giving her kids the stuff she used to love, like the Pern books, which are basically a culture built on rape, the Xanth books, which are pretty much pro–sexual deviancy and develop disturbing pedophiliac undertones as they go along.

Is this literally a culture built on rape or is this pussy sensitivity "white men raped some Indian women in the 1600s so America is bad" culture of rape?

And she adds Watership Down, which is one of the most violent children's books ever, and features the line, "Eat shit, you stinking dictator," (Admittedly, in rabbit), and Where the Red Fern Grows which features dogs getting disemboweled and a teen falling on an ax. Oh, and she's pro–Harry Potter, a book series that begins with a double-murder.

I definitely would hesitate to put Harry Potter in the same sentence as Watership Down but you have a point I suppose.

My friend Charlie lent me the first three Guardians of the Flame books when I was about 15 or 16. They were standard D&D-kids-go-into-the-world-they're-playing-in books, except of course that they were anything but standard.

That sounds fucking horrible.

How old are you, anyway?
Well the first one was published in 1983 and the last one was published in 2003, so-- anywhere from "older than you should be to talking about this shit" to "shut up you dumb punk kid" even though-- yeah even if you were 15 in 2003 you're at most a year younger than me.

One of the seven kids has muscular dystrophy, and Rosenberg wrote straight out about what it meant, and another dies within the first thirty or so pages. And the series' overarching theme is about freedom—the titular "Flame" being the flame of freedom and how freedom isn't free.

Even freedom isn't really freedom, maaaaaaaaan.

Some twat at the Atlantic wrote an article about how liberals are in love with endless war just like neocons that got all the dates right and all the details wrong.

War is profitable, all (successful) politicians are profiteers and opportunists--
Waiting for a successful rebuttal to to this logic.

I'm not going to link to that. Instead, I'm going throw out a random couple of paragraphs about War and related stuff that I really like.

Oh. So instead of keeping on topic, I'm going to counter-rant.
Makes sense to me~

This is from an intern at Wonkette, who is 23 and says, "Fuck war":

23 year old intern, huh.
I was recently one of those and I can honestly say we're full of shit.

And if you’re opposed to Endless War, you keep good company: Voltaire, Thoreau, Twain, Vonnegut, Heller, Trumbo, Orwell — etc. etc.

And if I'm pro-war I keep such company as Homer, Dante, Machiavelli and FDR.
I like how we're getting around the thorny situation of "sometimes you have to defend yourself" or "sometimes you have to take the offensive to prevent a drag out, knock down siege situation" by inventing the phrase "Endless War" (note the capitalization, this is a clever trick employed by hack philosophers the world over because specifically when it's capitalized it has a specific connotation that might be absent from literally interpreting the term, thereby ensuring if you ever back them into a corner they can weasel out).
I can't think of many people, save the most depraved of individuals, who are seriously "pro war" most people who are pro fighting a specific war only do so because they don't see any other realistically viable solution to the problem.
Even the titanically stupid Vietnam War was fought to prevent a perceived Communist takeover.
I'm sure we're about to argue the current war situation is fought exclusively over oil and economic reasons and while you're generally right I dare say you, a 23 year old intern with no world experience and no actual combat experience, is in no position to be making claims to this effect.

Lordy, even Helen Keller, who was dealt the shittiest hand, ever, and would have had every right to be a violent right-wing vengeful Bitter, was anti-war. She was actually a straight-up commie. Go figure.

I-- what?
Wasn't Helen Keller well known for being a lovely person?
Seriously, bro? You're seriously arguing she could have been bitter and nasty?
Anyone can be bitter and nasty.
And this is somehow supposed to prove liberals aren't pro-war? Are you fucking with me or are you just that dumb?

And a couple of generals. First William T. Sherman:

I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell.

Sherman is someone you should be listening to on the subject of war but this guy is still a yahoo.

That said, I'm curious about something book related. I've just started Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey, and I already find myself enormously annoyed by the book's voice, which I would describe as "first-person pretentious," and even moreso by the setting.

Well you'd know about pretentious.

So I was going to write a long, philosophical post for my birthday, as I often do, and then I decided, fuck it, I don't need the hassle. Happy birthday to me; I am 40 years old today.

Just what I need more of from you: philosophy.
What the fuck is it with men on Livejournal? They're all armchair philosophers and politicians, and they all suck at it. No one wants to hear your juvenile opinion on war.
Also I thought you were a 23 year old intern? Was that, what, 17 years ago?
Uuuuuuuuuuuuh fuck it.

Got into an argument on a message board once. Someone had posted about the death of a member of the Dave Matthews Band and someone else gave him grief for his excessive reaction to the passing of someone he didn't know.

What has happened to you where you're arguing about Dave Matthews on the internet?
For as much as you people think about yourself don't you ever take a step back and say "wow, I'm an asshole"? Or is that sense not built in?

My response was that there are many different types of relationship and that a feeling of closeness that only went one way, like being a fan of someone's work, wasn't any less valid a relationship than any other kind

Everyone hates you on the message boards because you are the archetypal white knight. You will literally come to the rescue of anyone even if they should be obliterated for being stupid.
You care so much less about the point than how they make it that I bet if someone dressed up a Hitler speech in the right way you'd probably agree with it.
Oh my God to make a long, long, long story short: he liked this author who died.
I mean Jesus Christ, really?
Everyone has that story. "Gee I really liked a singer/writer/whatever and then they died so I'm a little bit sad about it." Fuck you keep moving.

Okay, I'm a good doobie and I applaud my Democratic president most of the time even when he buys into Republican frames and does shit that's just stupid or doesn't work to disassemble the national surveillance state we've been busy setting up for the last decade or three, but I gotta ask, "What the fuck does 'a time-limited, scope-limited military action' mean?"

Okay I know I'm probably going to come off really bad for saying this but you idiots need to be watched. You've clearly proven you can't handle freedoms without having your hand held along the way so we need a big brother set up. I'm sorry but until you chucklefucks can prove yourself not 100% inept in every important facet we need to tap your phones.
I know it's illegal and blah blah blah listen, it is for your protection.
I know everyone was up in arms about the new x-ray shit at airports that can see through clothing (no one really wants to see your giant belly rolls, saggy tits and/or your mediocre, flaccid penis anyway so don't flatter yourself) but I seriously imagine people have accidentally rigged up explosive devices to themselves when getting dressed in the morning.
It may seem like I'm kidding but I know for a fact people that dumb exist.

That's how President Obama describe our Libya adventure.

I'm not sure how I feel about Libya (except that he hasn't broken the law yet; read the War Powers Authorization of 1973),

Again with the breaking the law thing and war.
You're bombing a fucking country and you have to consult a book about whether or not it's a good idea?
Have we really departed from common sense that much that we have to ask ourselves whether it's a good idea to fight someone?
HINT: PROBABLY NOT.

Okay, the idea that a bill requiring school uniforms to prevent kids walking around in loose pants will help create jobs seems pretty fucking laughable to me, but hey, there are people who buy into the idea that uniformity and dress codes increase performance.

All right dipshit I'm here to tell you that it does create jobs (witnessed first hand) and it does sort of increase performance when done right.
What follow is so titanically stupid I'm going to go find something else to do and pretend I never saw it.
Fuck the internet.

LET'S DUEL

Today we have some sort of wannabe internet troll I think idk~
Certainly has the lingo down, but how can you be so versed in the words of a troll but still write fanfiction?
idk bro-- let's find out.
First thing off I can't figure out how to get to the "recent posts" section which is a big problem. That means I have to click back to read each individual entry.

Oh, to answer a question someone asked me before, yes, I do play PERSONA 4 with my sister, no, I do not play it with voice acting and no, I do not watch cut scenes if they have questionable content.

>I do not watch cut scenes if they have questionable content.
>I did not pay attention to the story of Persona 4
Also I have no fucking idea what "play it with voice acting" means. I wasn't even aware you could turn voice acting off. Why would you want to? These aren't games that are exactly big on game play. It's pretty much a classic dungeon crawl setup with brilliant story elements (for once in an RPG) so if you're skipping the story you might as well be playing any other game.
Also correct me if I'm wrong but aren't Persona 3 and 4 rated M for something like language and that ever-nebulous "mature themes"? Why the dick would you buy a game that has on the box in two places bywords for "explicit content" if you were just going to be offended and skip it?
Man I don't get people.
In fact, no, I blame you and your kind for why the second part of Persona 2 never came out in America. Fuck you this is YOUR FAULT.

What I do, if a game is above an E rating, is either shut off voice acting or the audio if the option isn't available, and read the dialogue out loud to her in different voices to match the characters and edit out bad and/or offensive/suggestive language.

Gee thanks for editing out everything cool in the world. You will miss everything cool and die angry.

That's how we played FFVII too. ◔ヮ◔

>FF7
>voice acting
>suggestive content/language
k
(it didn't have either of those things except for an extremely homoerotic cross dressing section that I frankly didn't understand when I was a kid)

OK I MAKE A 4KIDS VERSION OF THE GAMES SHUT YOUR MOUTH I DON'T CARE IF MY

What-fucking-ever. I'd like to point out at least... Two (three?) people were graphically shot on screen in Persona 3, one man commits suicide by holding onto primed grenade oh and there is that hilarious scene at the end where the entire world is almost destroyed by a giant demon.
Yeah, no, I think it's important to edit this game for language.

My P4 Normal 100% True BRO end is complete, now it's time for Expert 100% True PIMP end.

You know nothing of being a bro. YOUR KUNG FU IS WEAK.
Shit now she has pictures of Gundam models her friends gave her. You are not cool enough to have friends like that.

SO HOW CUTE WAS IT WHEN CNN THOUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON DYING WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A BRITISH HOSTAGE SITUATION?

It is. Didn't you get the memo? Americans are way more important than British people. Sorry.
Now she's raging and I don't really get it because as big as a weeaboo as I am (Japanese 201 baby) I don't even get what she's blabbering about. Whatever, white people.

Commission prices are as follows:

Sketch: $5
Super-Deformed (Black & White OR Colored): $10
Pencils: $15
Black & White (Inked): $20
CG Color: $40
Traditional Color: $40

Comic (Black & White): $50/page
Comic (Colored): $75/page

What.
Now there's a link to a news post that an Iowa man was sent to jail for possession of child pornography because he had animu that depicts underage girls in sexual or compromising poses.
Further proof anime is for pedophiles in training.

combo of having to deal with pissant CompUSA employees, having to redo my project, not having a job and other Real Life dramu doesn't bother me too much.

Wouldn't have to deal with pissant CompUSA employees if you knew how to fix your own fucking computer, now would you?

Why do people assume other people don't have filters?

Oh we're talking about filtering speech, aren't we? This should be some nice hypocrisy.

For example, and I don't know if anyone reading this journal can tell, I might not have the cleanest mouth when I'm talking in an informal setting or with people I feel comfortable talking to (like loljournal, with friends, et cetera), but if I hear anyone say anything bad around my little sister or any other younger kid, I will have a problem with them and they will know it.

Yeah get bent.

"Oh, yeah, I totally remember watching/reading this as a kid, it was totally cool amirite I mean check out this shirt I got of it so everyone can see how much I like it" NO YOU MADE FUN OF ME FOR LIKING NERDY THINGS AS A KID YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

>implying manga is cool
Also yeah times change. What you were made fun of for in high school (try being interested in it in elementary school when no one even knew what the fuck) is now acceptable discourse. Same way people are getting major chubbies over Batman shit. Imagine how angry those comic book nerds must be for being branded a nerd for 30 years and are still branded nerds despite the collective erection everyone has for the Joker now.
World's longest paragraph.

GUESS WHO GOT STRAIGHT A'S ON ALL HER FINAL EXAMS and would have gotten straight A's in her classes

Yeah well guess who aced everything that semester? Me.
Now here's her Japanese final (cool comic, broess, I just have to write papers :3) which I guess is fine grammatically but I can't fucking read it. Christ your handwriting is poor.
What is that a triangle? Atashi (wrong script, cunt) wa... Hontora? Oh a u! That's what that is! Okay. Atashi wa hontou ni shukudai o shitade... Ok whatever stopped caring.
0/10

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE MACROSS ISN'T GUNDAM DO HO HO HO HO

:|
Also Japanese language brotip: it's called "yonkoma" for a reason. "Four panel" comics shouldn't be twelve panels.

EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET, CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Seriously, die shittingly.
I can't take this shit anymore, goddamn. It just goes from one embarrassing reference to another. You can have an original thought without throwing out "EPIC" or "FOR THE LULZ xD!"
At first I thought you might be a wannabe troll but no, you're just a fagort.
Go away, you sicken me.

That was a close one whew

Guys my computer stopped loading websites for some seemingly arbitrary reason and I'm going to do the lazy/techidiot thing and pretend it was an isolated event. Whew, but I got it back! Thank goodness too, because I wouldn't know what to do without the tri-weekly blog update!
So without a thought to my own safety I dive right into Chivalrous at the core, which is a funny title given the first entry's title: "I hate menstration. Quick, somebody lemme borrow a dick!"
Presumably she means menstruation. Yeah, there's a 'u' in it the same way there's a 'd' in Wednesday or an 'r' in February. Also I learned from FFXI today Bandanna has a double n in it and they are actually correct in spelling it that way. But yeah, real chivalrous. Talking about your bleeding cunt (literally). Of course chivalry is for men doing manly things. You know, like trying to stab each other with huge, straight, thick, hard lances (not phallic, honest).

I feel so drained, I get dizzy whenever I try to walk.

That's what your mom said when I was done-- all right no even I'm above that joke.

What was strange about them was that they lasted all day, I got sweaty and hot all over

:3 natural reaction to seeing me for the first time, I assure you. Baby.

I'm going to see the hormone doctor tomorrow. I think my biggest concern is that he won't have an answer for me.

Oh no I'm having flashbacks to last Friday.

Today, I watched a movie that has been described as "The Citizen Kane of bad movies".

Hmm... I'd think the obvious answer would be Manos, Hands of Fate, but I'm going with Heaven's Gate. Watch the director's cut of that for a true endurance test worthy of a Space Marine (it's almost 5 hours).

Directed, produced and acted by a very creepy, very talentless Tommy Wiseau. The Room breaks pretty much every film rule known to the industry.

I haven't even heard of this, and it's basically my occupation as an internet warrior to see all of this shit.
It's unlikely something so awful passed under my radar (unless it was made recently in which case get bent, all movies made after 2000 are automatically shit) so I would say it's probably one of those movies people watch to fancy themselves hardcore, meanwhile they're missing actual bad movies.

"I'm just saying"

This vague and ultimately purposeless phrase somehow comes out of me with intention of meaning something to the effect of; I want desperately to see eye-to-eye with you and it's likely that I do for the most part.

No shit. Shut up.

It's a lot of underlying meaning for three stupid words.

That's why I lie constantly. No one actually wants to hear the truth, as evidenced by this bullshit psychological study on three words.
"What do you think of this plan?"
"Sounds good to me."
"Really I was thinking it was shit."
"I mean yeah it's bad, whatever."
Just don't contradict their opinion ever and it doesn't really matter you just contradicted yourself in a five second window. As I've stated numerous times here, people don't actually want your opinion, they just want their opinion stated back at them, possibly in the form of a question.
Also never tell any jokes that require more than three steps of logic or require inside knowledge into any area of expertise (I literally mean anything, even mundane shit) because it's too much to ask. Your joke repetoire in common company is literally limited to a step above knock knock jokes.

Moreover, what exactly is the person you've said this to supposed to say back?

Whenever someone says that to me I say "I'm just listening." My goal in life is to make conversations as awkward as possible for the other person for my own amusement.
This is probably why I don't have many friends.

I find a lot of times you wind up getting a somewhat heated, counter-productive "Well, I'm just saying" - which ends up being a point completely and infuriatingly opposite to the one you've just made.

Oh hi lack of tact. Most people see this as you attempting to supersede their opinion with your opinion. The correct course of action is to defuse the situation by saying something like "whatever I'm going to McDonald's."

At this point, the argument becomes circular and it's probably best to relinquish and throw yourself out of a window - because there's no way you're going to be able to settle on anything verbally.

Compromise is akin to treachery, as they say. Just agree and continue doing what you want. Only way to seize victory.

Maybe I should become a mute or something. I think troubles would end with the death of speech patterns, right?

Ah yes, the Holden Caulfield decision.

Today my grandmother told me in detailed, poetic Spanish the representations, religious mythology and other meanings of a recent painting that I have been working on.

Fucking rad

She was unwilling to accept that all of the elements of the painting were added purely for the sake of what I thought looked the best - even though I tried to tell her this several times.

Thanks for ruining my fantasy of having a cool grandparent by being a twat.
No, you didn't put them there just "because they look good". Psychologically they look good for a reason, and that likely stems from the original mythological meaning behind them, all of which would be so ingrained into your cultural identity you aren't even aware you're using it FUCK YOU.

I think a lot of the pretentious bullshit that the art world faces would be gone if people were just more genuine about the art they were observing and/or creating.

That's why you're a shitty artist am I right? Brotip: good artists can put symbolic meaning in a painting without being cunts about it. Incidentally the last good artist died before the Vietnam war.

I think that very slowly, I'm becoming depressed. Everyday, I feel marginally worse then I did yesterday.

No that's called growing up. You'll snap out of it, trust me.

I am the world's biggest dickhole.

D:

Ha, ha, yeah.

I just teared up during a wedding scene in a dumb sitcom.

Oh my God, what have I become?

YOU ARE SMALLTIME.
I'm going to join two paragraphs together and cut the middle part out for the sake of brevity:

I am such a scatter-brain.
I'm afraid that one of these days I'm going to forget something really detrimental. But how do I stop this? Does this mean I have ADD? Do I have to go on Ritalin again? :/

How do you fix a problem that you don't remember having?

I hate to pull a Dr. Phil here but you just kind of have to stop doing it. Get a planner and write shit down, try and remember it, something.

Love is not a miracle. It happens all the goddamn time.

Yeah now you're getting it. Show anger at things people find sweet.

The real miracle is loving someone functionally, unselfishly and mutually.

All right your kung fu is still kind of weak. Here's how you really troll some fags:
LOVE IS GAY AND IF YOU KISS A GIRL YOU'RE A FUCKING FAGGOT

There is suddenly a very real possibility that I could lose my 7 month relationship.

Wow 7 months. Really fucking long, kid.

I am not sure if this is something I want. I certainly do not want to hurt him and thus far, I have failed miserably on this objective.

Make your decision in 5 seconds. As I'm learning the less you think about something the better the result.

We communicate a lot with one another - but we have different methods of communication and often times perceive things differently.

Adults are intellectually stimulated by ambiguity and differing opinions, as psychology class taught me.
Of course in reality--

There's also an inequality in what we feel for one another. He says he loves me, wherein I am just very fond of him.

Ha, ha oh girls and their range of things I understand are called emotions.

I feel a lot of guilt being in a relationship that is unbalanced in that respect; that he is so certain and so passionate about what he feels for me when I am more indefinite and moderate.

He sounds like a pussy. I say you're better off without him.

For example, I'm ovulating today (Is this considered TMI? I don't really know. Sorry if it is?).

Yes. Also you don't need a question mark and a period. Here's a quick rule of thumb for you to know if it's too much information:
if it, in any way, involves your genitals, it is in fact too much information.

Zach always says that I should call him when the ol' insomnia spins about. But I virtually never do. I just don't see the point in disturbing his perfectly nice sleep to go on about how I can't sleep.

Sounds reasonable.

I hate it when my friends trip, get stoned or compare and discuss the symptoms and differences of certain drugs. I can't relate to that lifestyle, and I have no desire to. It makes me feel like an outcast. I feel like they sorta do them too much, too. I mean, it's not healthy.

Narc.
Now there's another long post about how she thinks she has ADD because she doesn't know what her goals in life are and she's all over the place and-- kid you're in college, no one knows fucking dick about shit (yeah that's right: fucking dick about shit) stop thinking so much. Jeez, I thought I was high strung.
So anyway bored now--

No way you're topping this, brosef

Beat the Shadow Lord today in FFXI, which means I'm officially at the endgame if the year was 2004. I also got the Warlock's Tabard, so I'm pretty pro at the moment. I also did some silly irl stuff like got straight aces in all my classes, but no one actually gives a shit about that. I just thought I'd mention it in case one of these bloggers decides to go on about their WoW OR school accomplishments. I've already got them trumped. The only thing I have to fear is if they say they kissed a girl, but given these cunts I think I'm safe.
Actually just kidding, all I'd have to do is show those bitches a picture of the Shadow Lord and they'd jump my bones immediately. Yeah, that's right, I'm a knight on the internet.
Oh right, you probably came here expecting me to riff on a blog (that sounded homoerotic) instead of prattling on for two paragraphs about whatever the fuck it is I just said. Anyway, here we go~

I need to figure out how to survive while working only 40 hours a week. No more.

Rob banks. Actually just kidding, if there's any crime in the world that you'll get caught for (after serial killing) it's bank robbing. Uhh, you could seduce bored rich women, but that implies you have charm, so-- no, rob banks. I think you're more likely to succeed at that.

I know that sounds stupid but I want my life to be about more than work.

Not in this economy. Enjoy working 120 hour weeks and dying at 80. Poor.

I want the rest of my life to be filled with more video games, more dog time, and soon some kitten time.

Sounds like you need to multitask. Do you know how many people in my FFXI Linkshell play while at work? It's like half. You live in America, bro, the most decadent society on Earth, you can pretty much get away with anything as long as you're not a doctor or a lawyer and you sit in front of a computer in a cubicle all day. You just need to get a little innovative.

And I think I want it to be in New York so thats probably where I'm going. New York, Chicago, or Honolulu.

I'm trying to imagine the individual that would actually have a decision to make between Chicago and Honolulu, then I remember I'm on the internet. OH BOY, A FREEZING ARM PIT OF A CITY THAT ONLY HAS ONE MAJOR CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD (the 1950s TV show "The Untouchables") OR A TROPICAL PARADISE, UHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- I'm not even going to mention New York. They seem to have a bit of an airplane problem. (too soon?)

I am really happy I decided to only keep 5 pokemon on my team. I have been using the 6th slot for the random pokemon that know the stupid HM moves.

Ah yes, the famous "five or six Pokemon" conundrum.

I used to waste time figuring out how to divide those moves among my main 6 but it so much easier to just put in on bitch pokemon that I don't train/ care about.

Jesus Christ welcome to 1996. I thought I was stuck in a time warp when I was excited about my 2004 video game accomplishment, but this guy is even worse off.

What are my fears? I still have a fear of sea monsters and dislike the idea of swimming in deep water.

Your irrational fears are stupid. Seriously, sea monsters? What are you, 12?
Actually, given that he seriously plays Pokemon, that's a distinct possibility.

Dood, could I hate my job any more? Why is my boss such a bitch. Chubi, you are so hard to work for. And you're an idiot! Uhhhhhhh I hate you!

Just act like a dope around her so she won't suspect you're capable of anything, but always do more than you're expected to do. Then when upper management comes around, make sure they know who is running the show (you) she'll be disarmed by your idiot routine that she'll look doubly incompetent when an underling outperformed her that you'll get promoted over her.
Office politics is easy if you're patient~
Also, remember: grab Fortune from the front. I don't know, I read that somewhere. Personally I got a bit of a double entendre from it, since the mythological character Fortuna (Tyche in Greek) is the goddess of fortune, so it's basically advocating grabbing some boob, but I'm sure that was just me~

Last week: Internetting from a phone, not enough Ina, trouble with transportation, missing Big O, and Drifblim/Torterra/Togetic/Noctowl.

Big O is one of the greatest cartoons ever made and you should feel bad for missing it.
Also Drifblim is stupid and you should feel bad for training it. Replace it with Gengar. Fuck year, Gengar.

My largecunt boss's daughter just turned 6 the other day so they flew her to Miami to go shopping. Um, fuck these people??? Apparently the kid's playhouse in her backyard has air conditioning, a bedroom, and a lounge. See also, my new apartment.


Life isn't fair so why complain about it? Instead I am going to eat some rice krispies and yell at my puppies for biting each other too much.

There you go, life sucks so eat Rice Krispies. I love it when these bloggers admit they eat too much.
Apparently this is a man writing this. He has to be gay.

So I canceled my date so I could give the puppies a bath, do laundry, and balance my checkbook.

Definitely gay.

Pokémon is incredible. I am going on a date soon???

The ladies won't respect your Pokemon skills, bro. Maybe if you had a hard-won victory over the Shadow Lord they'd be more sympathetic, but not with your SMALL TIME shit.

Bought a pink DS and some adhesive gingham bows to decorate. Not embarrassed.

Deeeeeeeefinitely gay.

So I talked to Dale, my manager at IHOP, and decided to "cut back" on hours instead of quitting entirely. Mostly this is because I am a pussy but until I have my new car moped I'll need ever cent I can get my hands on.

Not getting ahead in the world of office politics like that, Seth. (I love being on a first name basis with the people I review). Remember: Dale would cut your throat out if he thought it would give him an edge, so don't think twice about fucking him over.

Do I just bring bad luck? Is it karma?

:{
I wish they'd go over this Karma thing in school.

Life is weird. Sadness becomes happiness and grudges disappear.

True hatred rings eternal. I don't think that's a Warhammer quote, either. They should probably add that.
Now there's a post that insinuates he reads Harlequin romance novels. I'm now not entirely convinced he's a man. Isn't that an 18-35 year old woman thing?

I actually really dislike the idea of space exploration but watching the launch was really pretty fun.

You clearly watch giant robot shows because you said you watched Big O. That's the result of space exploration. It's Gundam. Or Warhammer. Either way, fuck you.

So I went to check out some culinary schools. $40,000 a year. A YEAR! Whatthefuckever. No. No no no. I will never be able to afford that.

Hi, there's something called student loans. Maybe you should look into them.

Every time a page has trouble loading and it sites it temporarily as a "fatal error" a large part of me is like, "Whatever. Do you even know what fatal means? Aren't you supposed to be a computer?"

Definition of fatal:

4 a: causing death b: bringing ruin fatal attraction to gambling> c: causing failure fatal design flaw>

Smart ass.
Well, Captain Faggot continues. I'm not, so enjoy your weekend~