Das It Mane

Dear Abby redid her entire website.
Good excuse as any I figure.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for two years. We gave each other our phone passwords as soon as we made it official to avoid keeping things from each other.
One night I had a sudden urge to go through his phone. I had never done it before, and when I looked at his Facebook messages, I saw he had been exchanging inappropriate pictures with someone. I was shocked and angry, and it almost ended our relationship.
He deleted and blocked this person, and I forgave him. 

Who
cares

DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and have been married for 12 years. My wife is 35. When we first got together, my wife did not want to have kids right away. She said maybe after I graduated from college, or perhaps we could adopt. It took more time because of some surgeries, but I have graduated now and I want to start a family.
She now says she thought I was kidding when we were talking about it all those years ago, and that I knew she never wanted kids. I am at a loss. I love this woman, but I do want children, or to adopt a baby if that's not possible -- but she says she's unwilling to do either. What am I to do? -- WANTS TO BE A DAD IN CHARLOTTE, N.C.

NC represent
The answer is you divorce the lying whore.

DEAR WANTS TO BE A DAD: You either accept that you will be childless, or talk to an attorney about divorcing a woman who appears to have deceived you. How sad!

Somehow my response came across as gentler and I called her a whore.
At least you could muster a "what a shame"
"How sad!" with an exclamation point?
That's what I say when I die in Diablo 3.
Losing a match in League of Legends registers as higher on my list of shit going wrong than "how sad!"
Dude finds a relationship of 12 years is built on a lie and that's all you got for him?
How sad?

DEAR ABBY: I was engaged to my ex-girlfriend for three years. We broke up more than a year ago -- her choice. We reconciled briefly, but are now broken up for good, and she's dating someone else.
My question is about the engagement ring. It didn't bother me that she kept it until recently. Should I ask for the ring back or let it go?

Reclaim your overpriced property.
I'd bring garden shears just in case I had to hack her finger off.
I call in loans in EVE Online with more prejudice than you're managing over an actual engagement ring.

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old daughter, "Gwen," just started middle school. She makes good grades, but she's strong-willed. Do kids grow up instantly when they start middle school?
She wants to know if she can have a boyfriend. I told her not until she's 15. Now she's flirting with girls who ask her out. I told her to stay away from them, not because they are lesbians but because they are not good girls. They are always in trouble.

Bitch I will not be on teen mom. I am disowning you if you get pregnant.
That's how you parent, motherfucker.
11 year old girl
flirting with other 11 year old girls
not on my watch.

Gwen says I'm too strict, and if I don't stop, she will run away.

Yeah, okay, Gwen.
I've been a substitute for 2 years, I taught at a shitty hood school, worked at a shitty grocery store and I'm about to go to South Korea.
If you want to go crazy then let's get nuts because I've been madder than a hatter for more than double the time you've been on earth.
Trying to hold me
emotionally hostage
with your shitty middle school psychological tricks
NOT TODAY, ASSHOLE.

I adopted her at birth (it was an open adoption), and she recently asked me if I am going to place her for adoption. She was worried that I would. I am very concerned that she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Any advice?

Mail her a bullet with a card that says "the next one is coming a hell of a lot faster."

DEAR MOM: People do not grow up "instantly." I know individuals who are immature at 50, and I'm sure if you think about it, so do you. From what you have told me about your daughter, it's clear that she is far from the grown-up she thinks she is.
If you do not to want Gwen to date until she is older, that is your prerogative as her parent. The gender of the person isn't the issue.

You know, Gwen, they say a prince can be judged by the company he keeps.
Do you want to be called a whore the rest of your life?
Better get your head on straight you little cunt.

Because you think she is hanging out with the wrong crowd, my advice is to make sure she is so busy she doesn't have time to spend with them. Involve her in activities outside of school -- sports, scouting, music or art. And be sure she knows that you are her forever mother and that nothing she could ever do will lessen your love for her.

SMACK U RITE ACROSS THE GABBA M8

I'm a single mother supporting four children with no help from my ex-husband. I am fortunate to have a good job that I like. I referred a friend to the company who has since become a regular employee, and he seems to be happy here. I was recently told that I'll be receiving a referral bonus, which was a pleasant surprise. My friend approached me and asked me point-blank to split the money with him! 

HUE HUE HUE you're a funny guy, friend.

I was taken aback. He knows my situation. He has a wife who also works full time, and two kids. I think he has a lot of gall to put me in a spot like this. The bonus money will be a huge help to me, and I don't think it's right that he expects me to give half of it to him. How do I handle this while keeping our work relationship intact?

Mail him a bullet with a card--

Ignore your co-worker's question. If the subject is raised again, laugh and tell him you thought he was joking. If he says he wasn't, remind him how hard jobs are to find and tell him he's lucky you didn't ask HIM for a referral fee. You don't owe him anything; he owes YOU his gratitude.

Murder him and find a replacement.
Repeat.
Live off finder's bonuses.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of 18 months, whom I love with all my heart, just learned an ex-boyfriend passed away. They dated on and off for 10 years, and she's inconsolable.
After their relationship ended, she married someone else and divorced. I am having a really hard time with how she's handling this. Can you please help? -- CURRENT MR. RIGHT IN RHODE ISLAND

Women, man.
She chose you over this sucker so whatever.
Don't be a twit about it.

DEAR CURRENT MR. RIGHT: Your girlfriend may not be mourning the death of her former flame as much as she's grieving a burial of 10 years of her history. Give her time and let her share her feelings with you. If you do, it will bring you closer. Do NOT allow jealousy to enter into the picture. (Remember, the man is dead, and YOU are her future.)

There you go.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem dealing with shopping mall kiosk operators. Many of them are outright obnoxious. They block your way and insist that you listen to their pitch or try their product. I find I have to avoid eye contact with them. They might say something nice as I walk by, but if I answer, it is a guaranteed lead-in to a sales pitch.

You've got 10 seconds to move or this is going to get fucking ugly.

I feel bad for not replying, but it's the only way. I know they are trying to make a living, but I can see their product as I walk by. If it's something I'm interested in, I'll stop and ask. Otherwise, I think they should respect my privacy. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Alternatively you can employ the Steve stratagem (so named after my friend Steve) who would try to sell the competitor's product to the salesman.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dawn" for more than a year. She has an amazing 7-year-old daughter, "Charise," who started calling me Dad about six months after her mother and I began dating. I love being a "dad" -- going to the park, on trips, helping out at school and telling bedtime stories.
The problem is, I don't love Dawn. We don't get along well anymore. My mother tells me I should find someone else and have kids of my own, but Charise "feels" like my kid. I can't imagine losing her.
One friend suggested I marry Dawn so I can stay in her daughter's life, but I want to be in love with the woman I marry. Am I wrong for not wanting to lose a child I consider my daughter, but not wanting to marry someone I don't love? -- SPINNING MY WHEELS IN CALIFORNIA

You're in love with the 7 year old, mang.
Pedophilia ahoy!
At this point I'd like to say that isn't the suggested solution. That's just the reality of the situation.
I have no idea how to tell you how to fix this.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a member of the clergy who enjoys studying for my ministry and doctoral work at a local coffee shop. Three men who go there every day have found out that I'm a minister, and they each want to talk with me while I'm there. Although all three are members of the same religion, none of them is affiliated with a church.
I have invited them to visit my worship services, as well as call the office and set up an appointment with me. I have also tried to diplomatically explain that I go to the coffee shop to study. One of them ignores it, another appears hurt and the third one gets offended. When they're not around, I am productive. When they show up, they want me to be their chaplain.
Because of where I live, finding another coffee shop is not a viable option. How can I set a boundary with them and still do my studying there? Thank you. -- REVEREND KEN IN NEW YORK

Oh I'm sorry I thought ministers were supposed to help people with spiritual needs.
My fucking mistake.
Also "Chaplain" my ass.
This is the one true kind of chaplain:

And you will never, ever be that awesome.

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Lizzie," continues to talk to a 14-year-old boy who is very controlling and abusive to her. I made her stop talking to him, took away her cellphone privileges, and tried to show her how wrong he was for her and that she was going to wind up very hurt.
After recently giving her the cellphone back, I learned last night that Lizzie has been talking to him and lying to me about it. He sent her a text that if she didn't answer his call within seven minutes, he was either going to shoot himself or cut himself. He included a picture of his arm with a knife held against it. She thinks that her compliance is all that's standing in the way of this boy killing himself.

No daughter of mine would be terrified into compliance.
The only thing you should teach your kids to say in situations like this is "do it, faggot"

I'm scared for her safety, but she won't listen to me because she "loves" him. When I called the boy's mother about it, she became defensive and accused me of implying she was a bad mother. Please tell me how to handle this.

Compromise is akin to treachery.

Really if you'd raised your child in a proper, Imperial manner this wouldn't be a problem.
My nephew is getting married next year. I was very excited because I love him and I'm a baker. I had planned on making the groom's cake as I did for his brother's and sister's weddings. The problem is, they have decided on a hunting theme for their wedding -- including a camouflage wedding dress for the bride.

Sorry to hear you're related to trash.

Abby, I am an animal-rights activist. I'm against any form of hunting. I am also involved with several animal-protection groups. My nephew and his fiancee know how hard I work for animal rights -- just the thought of a hunting theme for a wedding makes me ill.
I don't even want to attend, let alone make a cake. What can I do so there will be no hurt feelings if I don't want to attend or participate? -- BAKER IN THE MIDWEST

"I won't suffer white trash."

DEAR BAKER: The theme for your nephew's wedding is certainly unique. The concept of a camouflage wedding dress is practical because the dress can be worn after the nuptials, which isn't the case with many bridal gowns.

You can wear it to Wal-Mart, maybe, because I'm sure a dress isn't practical for hunting.

Feeling as strongly as you do about not attending, write the happy couple a warm letter wishing them a lifetime of happiness together and include a nice wedding gift -- I'm sure there will be no hurt feelings.

You know I'm sure a lot of people would say a society dictated by me would be especially brutal and uncompromising and yeah it would be but at least there wouldn't be much in the way of social ambiguity.
Everyone would know exactly where they stood at all times.

DEAR ABBY: I'm incredibly fond of my friend "Russell." He is always supportive, considerate and kind to me. However, I know that he is into S&M and this worries me, as I can't reconcile the two different people -- a gentle person with someone wanting to dominate and possibly hurt a woman in bed.
Should I be worried that Russell is hiding a dark side that will eventually come out and ruin our friendship? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN AUSTRALIA

It's not like he's raping women.
Presumably.
Also, good Christ you live in Australia. You encounter an average of 10 lethal things walking to your garbage can and this is what has you bothered?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago and were quickly welcomed into our new neighbors' social whirl. Two couples in the neighborhood are gay -- one male, one female. While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots!

Oh I see.
So it's okay when YOU do it but when they do it they're being big meanie heads.
You know for all the shit your religion doesn't permit it sure does tolerate hypocrites easily.
When asked to describe the difference in standard operating procedure between newer religions and older religions the most acute difference I see is the acceptability of hypocrisy.
And that is where modern religions started going wrong.

Abby, we moved here from a conservative community where people were pretty much the same. If people were "different," they apparently kept it to themselves. While I understand the phrase "when in Rome," I don't feel we should have to compromise our values just to win the approval of our neighbors. But really, who is the true bigot here? Would you like to weigh in? -- UNHAPPY IN TAMPA

You are hypocritical swine.

I sure would. The first thing I'd like to say is that regardless of what you were told in your previous community, a person's sexual orientation isn't a "lifestyle choice." Gay people don't choose to be gay; they are born that way. They can't change being gay any more than you can change being heterosexual.

No, Abby, I got this.
You can't reason with these people.
I handled it as much as you can.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for 33 years. I recently found a pair of her panties with "Booty Call" printed across the back. I can't help but wonder. She has never had underwear like that in 33 years. What gives? -- SURPRISED TEXAN
DEAR SURPRISED: Was your wife wearing the lingerie at the time? If not, how did you discover the panties?
The surest way to get to the bottom of this would be to ask your wife this question. She may have thought they were cute and bought them on impulse -- or they may have been a gift. Please let me know, because not only am I interested in her answer, but I'm sure millions of readers are curious, too.

YEAH.
HEAR THAT SHIT?
ABBY IS TELLING YOU TO KEEP YOUR SLUT WIFE'S BUSINESS TO YOURSELF.
 FUCK.
Time for bed.