This is Dear Annie Tribute.
Dear Annie is a syndicated newspaper column where people write in with dumb fuck problems and Annie (who I believe died many moons ago and is now ghosted by other people) answers them with helpful and less than helpful solutions.
So basically this is a blog that reposts Dear Annie columns and I assume people can post directly to this if you want one-off advice from a copycat.
Well I'm going to repost the repost and offer more advice.
This is like that part in the movie The Departed where you stopped tracking who is spying on who and who is murdering who and then the movie ends and you say "welp" and leave the theater.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for a girl to decline an invitation to a dance, only to later accept another invitation to the same dance? This is for a high school dance or prom.
What are you, stupid?
GENTLE READER: If you are the parent of a young gentleman to whom this has been done, Miss Manners can confirm that the young lady is indeed rude, and that however crushed your son is, he is better off. She would be capable of committing another rudeness, such as breaking the date later.
Excuse me?
No, she's allowed to say no.
I mean she's probably an insufferable twat and she'll be blowing the entire football team at the school dance but she is allowed to make a twat of herself and turn down any invitation she wants and accept any invitation she wants.
There's this thing called freewill and I won't spend a lot of time defining but it's something you have.
There is another lesson you might give, even though she will not believe it. That is that some law of nature makes the least popular boy in high school into the most desirable man later in life, yet, no matter how successful and glamorous he has become, makes him remember and continue to smart from having been slighted.
That's because that guy becomes a miserable, twisted adult and they always turn out to be the biggest winners in life.
Take a look at me, writing this on a Friday night.
Not the product of a healthy mind.
My friend "Jodi" is 27 and very sheltered. Her parents still pay her rent and bills. I'm worried because Jodi has been acting out of character. She cheated on her husband with a 59-year-old man. He's now her new boyfriend and "soul mate." He's creepy. He talks down to her and gropes her in public. She gives him her paycheck and the use of her parents' credit cards.
Jodi has a daughter from her marriage, and the little girl lives with her father. I work for Child Protective Services and know this "dream boyfriend" is a sex offender. When we go out as friends, she brings him along, and he says crude, disgusting things to us about our clothes and our bodies. He even tried to take money out of my purse. Jodi thinks this is funny and says I should lighten up.
Time to get new friends.
I told her about his history and that she should be cautious with him around her daughter. She became angry and said she never wanted to speak to me again. I'm OK with that. She's not the person I once knew.
So problem solved--
so why are you bothering me with this?
My job obligates me to report that this man is spending time with a young child, and I have informed his parole officer. But I also think I should advise the little girl's father, who has primary custody, and Jodi's parents, who have secondary custody.
My boss says I've done my duty by alerting the parole board, and that speaking to the family is a personal choice. My husband says I don't need to crusade to protect every child. Finding out that the creep stays overnight when her daughter is in the house made my skin crawl. Should I tell the family?
Are you seriously paralyzed with indecision over this?
A pedophile
has been left
alone with a child
and your question is whether or not you should tell anybody?
"Well gee, Annie, I saw this three year old drowning-- think I should pluck her out of the drink?"
YES YOU FUCKING CRETIN.
-- Not a Crusader
There's your fucking problem. Maybe if you had a little fire in your belly you wouldn't be writing letters to syndicated columns.
Dear Crusader: Yes.Even Annie agrees with me. You should be a crusader. She called you a crusader.
Why I don't know but fuck it that's what you should be doing.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and having an affair with a married man twice my age, but I am an unwilling participant. You see, I grew up with "Jasmine," and over the years her family has become mine. I was going through a rough time, and when her family offered me a place to stay, I accepted.
Don't care.
TO THE POINT, TO THE POINT QUICKLY.
They treat me like one of their own, buy me presents -- even introduce me as a daughter.
However, after my birthday party, Jasmine's father came into my bedroom and took advantage of me. I was scared and didn't say anything. Over the past few months, he has sneaked into my room several times to "talk" or rub my back. He always crosses the line, and I'm too afraid to tell him to stop.
I feel sick and guilty when I see Jasmine or her mother, and I'm hurt and ashamed when I see him. I feel betrayed and confused. I tell myself I do it "for a place to stay." Is there forgiveness for me? Please help. -- DISTRAUGHT IN THE NORTHWEST
No man is free until he is dead.
Only in death do we earn our salvation.
This probably isn't very helpful.
Well let's see. You're in a shitty situation-- remove yourself from the situation?
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It appears you ARE "doing it for a place to stay," and for your own well-being you need to make other living arrangements and get out of there. You have been betrayed, and your feelings are valid. You are not being treated like a daughter; you are being coerced by a man with no conscience or compassion. Of course there is forgiveness for you -- but first you have to forgive yourself. Leaving is the first step.
Yeah thanks Annie. I said the same fucking thing and I somehow managed it in less than a goddamn paragraph.
What is up with everyone and the yackity-yack?
I guess my response looks more cold and unfeeling than hers but at the end of the fucking day it contains the exact same information outside of "you're not a bad person" but who in their right goddamn mind needs validation from a newspaper?
Dear Carolyn:
I’m 26, with an expensive law degree, and I just flunked the bar exam.
Another scum sucking lawyer.
Don't care about you or your problems. Next issue.
Of course that’s not the end of the world (only missed it by a few points, and will retake in a few months), but you know all those articles about ’80s babies whose identities were built on all the praise they received for being brilliant? Yeah, that’s me — to fail at something for which I couldn’t rely entirely on my wits is an utter embarrassment.
Good. Hold that feeling deep in your being and maybe you won't fail next time.
In the meantime, I’m working at a job that is well beneath my qualifications, and living at home. I have supportive parents, a great boyfriend, and friends who don’t judge me (mainly because they don’t know where I’m “supposed” to be), but I still feel like the universe is judging me.
Well thank Christ for that, huh? Nurse your hatred and come out swinging next time.
It’s gotten to the point where I dread meeting people because of the “What do you do?” line of questioning. How do I walk around with my head held high?
Post Bar-Exam Insecurities
I work at a fucking grocery store putting salad on a shelf. I graduated with honors and I'm a qualified English teacher. Can I show you where the basil is you fucking idiot?
They say experience is the best teacher but that's bullshit because experience is the only teacher I know of that gives you the test first and then teaches you the lesson.
The only rational response to this level of fuckery is to steel your nerves and get fucking angry.
This fits the one-decade-out plan in a different way: Ten years from now, these three months will be a blip.
That is, unless you use them memorably and well. You say the universe is judging you. I say the universe doesn’t give a poo; it’s your life to care about, to learn from, to harness into something worthwhile.
Zeal and fury.
The only emotional state the universe can fully comprehend.
The universe is alight with the cold twitter of uncaring stars and sounds with the mirthful laughter of thirsting gods. The only adequate response to this is to fill the universe with the guttering flames of hatred.
Whenever circumstances dump you somewhere unpleasant, it’s okay to have a poor-me moment — as long as you have the heck out of it, and then stop having it, and move on to the moment where you say: “Okay, what can I learn from this, or turn to my advantage?”
Make friends.
Use them to your benefit.
Gah. Been there, my esteemed colleague. Quite literally - I too failed the Bar on my first try by just a few points. However, Carolyn's wrong - these three months will not be a blip... they suck, and there's no getting around that.
This is the poster's advice. You can't tell but Annie's advice is in bold and this shit is in italics.
The only conclusion I can draw from the three people advising this dumb cunt is:
1. I'm the only person speaking sense
and
2. I'm the only man giving her advice
This massive exam is a brutal experience, and for me (and I suspect for you) anxiety and panic played a big role in choking performance.
Do what you need this time around to prepare yourself psychologically as well as academically. Yes, I know, everybody says it - get counseling. No joke.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This too shall pass... as will you. I did quite well on my second try, passed and then some. And despite vowing I would NEVER take that accursed exam again ... after five years of practicing law in Florida, I've decided to relocate back to Virginia. And that meant another Bar - just took it in February 2012, now begins the grueling eight-week wait for results. I wish I could say I'm certain I passed, but I'm not (a part of me wonders if I'm just not capable of passing the damn thing on the first attempt.) But, worst case scenario, if I didn't... then I'll take it again. That's all we can do. We'll survive.
Great advice.
"We'll survive"
Sounds like you're trying to pick yourself up, anyway.
It is not enough that I should survive-- I must triumph.
Today, Cathy asks some interesting questions. Is virtue always rewarded? Is vice always punished? Or to put it more bluntly, do the good girls get the best guys? Or are the not-so-good girls walking away with them?
You know I've asked out plenty of nice girls only to get shot the fuck down. Frankly I'm not so interested in their moaning anymore. You had a chance and you fucking blew it.
Do promiscuous girls wind up with rich, successful guys? Is Cathy wrong to resent them? Just because a girl had a lot of sex partners before she married, should be punished with a less-than-ideal spouse? Let's hear from the slutty girls and the guys who married them!
I kind of hope they do, honestly.
And I hope they learned something from being dumb sluts in high school.
Let everyone be miserable.
Dear Amy: After 30 years of a wonderful marriage I was widowed at the age of 51.
At 54 I now feel I am ready to swim in the dating pool again and have dipped my toes in several dating sites to try and find someone to date.
My issue is that I used to be quite obese and since my wife's death I have shed 135 pounds and gotten my life back.
Most of the responses that I have gotten are from ladies 10 years either way of my age and from ladies the size I used to be.
What a shame.
My profile is very specific about my eating and exercise habits.
I always answer any response I get, and I am always polite and try and let these women know that I am not interested in dating a large woman.
I have lived that lifestyle and do not want to go back to it.
I get back a lot of hateful and abusive responses!
Jealousy.
Let them have their hate.
It is all they have.
I know that we should each look to the person inside, but if there is no initial attraction there is no initial attraction.
I suppose I should just not answer the responses, but that seems to be wrong to me.
Is it kinder to leave the ladies wondering or to let them know that there is no way a relationship could develop?
Yes you dumb clod.
Dear New: For an expert's opinion on this, I shared your letter with Bela Gandhi, a date "coach" and founder of Smart Dating Academy in Chicago (smartdatingacademy.com).
She says, "The rules are totally different in online dating. 'No response' is the right thing to do when you're not interested — it's the polite way of saying, 'No thanks!'
"It's much more humane; who wants to wake up to an in-box full of detailed rejection notes?
Me.
Better to be disappointed than to wonder.
Dear New,
You're shallow. Yes, it's true that if there is no initial attraction, there's no initial attraction. I imagine that you were able to look a little deeper before you "shed 135 pounds and gotten your life back." You sound like you think you're too good for anybody who isn't as "fit" and trim as you say you are.
Yeah that's exactly right.
Why is it okay to say "I don't want anyone dumber than me" but somehow not okay to say "I want someone as slim as I am"?
By all means, put in your profile that you'll only date thin women. I'm a fat chick and I wish that anybody who feels that strongly about it, would put it in their profile up front. saves me the trouble of even considering writing to somebody like that.
Pretty sure they let you specify what kind of person you want to date.
I've only been on one dating site in my entire life (mostly out of a "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS") and I seem to recall you could specify everything about a potential romance interest including weight, height, body type and tattoos.
I gotta say if you were willing to go out with a girl who treats her body like a dry erase board that doesn't erase anymore you could score some nice looking girls.
If you could ignore the interesting choice in tattoos, anyway.
Hahahah wow. One commenter has this to say:
What if he put in his profile that he only wants to date larger women? Is he still an asshat?
And this one sentence got at least fifteen responses.
Friend, you're working smart. I like it.
Let's see what they had to say in response.
Honestly, yes. Reducing a woman to just her body type is something an asshat does.
And I'm sure all of you ladies are completely impartial to body type.
Oh just kidding all the comments are women whining about their weight.
God this guy had a perfect trolling line and it was fucking wasted on idiots.
Even though it's impressive that this guy lost 135 pounds, he doesn't mention what he weighs now. He also doesn't mention what he considers overweight for a woman.
I once knew a guy who felt that the "ideal woman" was 5'9 and 105 pounds.
That would be freakishly anorexic.
That said: 5'2" 97 pounds.
Anyway this is boring.
Also the fellow who commented linked the post that caused him to not ask some chick out and it was this one.
He sure has been reading this crap for a while.
Also smart move not dating her. She's a real twat.
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