SEMICOLONS

I have always felt that the semicolon should be filed under the "with restraint" category. Alongside the exclamation point and the ellipsis, the semicolon should only be used when there is absolutely no other way to properly express your meaning. However, unlike the exclamation point and the ellipsis, the semicolon doesn't exactly imply a certain tone. I think if you went through my blog you would find (outside of other people using it [likely improperly, of course]) maybe twice that I've used the semicolon. That's probably being generous. I wouldn't be surprised that I haven't used it at all in the past year and a half.
Actually, no, I tell a lie. I do recall using it once to make fun of someone else using it improperly.
So I'd be honestly surprised if I've used it more than once.
So imagine my surprise when I come across this blog, a blog that manages to use the semicolon a staggering 42 times on the front page alone.
And you'll never guess what: amazingly, not all of them are properly used.
I know, I know.

Kristen's fiery passion, indeed, makes very nations fearful.

I don't know. It's grammatically correct but it lacks the nuances of someone who actually knows how to write (or speak English). Usually when you say "indeed" it's to expound on something, not the OPENING FUCKING SENTENCE. Sometimes you can do shit like that to emulate picking up a conversation at the midpoint but no, this just sucks. Also: "very nations"? Shouldn't that be "the" very nations? Even with a definite article it still doesn't make much sense. The very nations of what? Who the fuck is Kristen?

I terrified and angered several people over a blog I posted on Facebook the other day.

Oh no, you've invoked the wrath of FACEBOOK? What are you going to do with yourself?

Does the fact that I am so passionate about these selected people really scare everyone? Or is it that I wasn't passionate about them, and they desperately needed to feel like it was? Is passion so forgotten and disliked that it's now a complete social taboo?

Passionate FOR FUCKING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK, sweetheart. Don't act like you're fucking Passion of the Christ (different meaning of passion but whatever) on this shit, please.

I dreamt that I had become relatively successful; lived upper-middle-class; payed my debts.

SEMICOLONS DO NOT REPLACE COMMAS.
I don't know why people have such problems with this. Just look at a semicolon. It's a period on top of a comma. THAT EXPLAINS THE MEANING.
Also she calls this dream "a nightmare" which if those are nightmares I'd like to see your good dreams.
So skipping through some nonsense I come to this:

I have always believed that YHWH misplaced my eyes when he put me together.

Oooookay. "YHWH" also known as the "Tetragrammaton" (not a Transformer, honest) is some sort of fancy-pants Hebrew bullshit for the TRUE NAME OF GOD because his name isn't "GOD" or even "JESUS" it's something so HORRIFIC AND TERRIFYING if you knew it'd blow your mind up like Kenshiro just punched you square in your stupid face.
Which in terms of Biblical bullshit is actually pretty awesome, but I've never actually seen anyone outside of, say, the yo-yos that wrote Xenogears seriously use it.

My mother has beautiful, clear, grey-green eyes. My dad has equally lovely deep brown eyes.

Megan and myself got brown eyes and my younger sister has lovely hazel eyes.

So we can trust God "misplaced your eyes" (God, as WE ALL KNOW, is perfect as his creation, so you're a FILTHY HERETIC for suggesting otherwise) or we can do some high school science to figure it out. I made a chart demonstrating how such a MYSTERIOUS EVENT could occur but I'll spare anyone reading this the details and just call you an idiot.

I wore hazel contacts today, and very little makeup. and people still told me I was pretty.
I believe that there is a certain honesty that lighter colors bring out in me. A certain vulnerability... a realistic me.

Oh please, do continue.

The one I dont want people to know.
This is the part of me that deeply desires to be held by someone they love. This is the one who dreams of her broken past becoming an equally broken future.
When I dont look like myself, i feel more like myself than when I dress normally. There's something wrong with me, I know.

Oh I was just kidding about that "do continue" thing. It was sarcastic, see.
Now she has an "lolxD" post about various philosophers answering the ol' classic "why did the chicken cross the road?" and they're all very douchey except for one from my personal hero, Tomás de Torquemada, first Inquisitor General of Spain:

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Nobody fucks with Torquemada.
He's pretty much the only person directly imported into Warhammer 40,000 with absolutely no changes made to his character and yet he fits perfectly.

I've also, for the first time since I have begun considering at the age of 13, I have decided that it is my sincere desire to be Jewish. A local Rabbi was gracious enough to make an appointment with me so I may ask what I must do to make the conversion.

You know you have to learn Hebrew, right?
Or maybe you don't anymore, shit. The Catholic church softened and doesn't require Latin.

Reflection can be a dangerous thing.

I've had too much time on my hands lately; and too much of it alone.

I'm afraid I've been thinking.
A dangerous pastime, I know.

(kudos if you sang along)

What?
I'm trying to imagine the tune you would play behind those lines and nothing that makes sense is really coming to mind.

despite my low GPA from Otis screwing me over.

Oh look at that handy excuse "MY GPA IS SCREWING ME OVER". Well who got that low GPA?
Listen, I just survived the douchiest semester of college in history and I still came out with like a 3.6 or something. Not my personal best, but I'm not all "passionate" and shit like you are, so you should be able to do much better than me.

But if things have to be this way, I'm not gonna try to fight it anymore.


I've tried so hard,

OH FUCK. Of all the songs to be reminded of, this reminds me of a... Linkin Park(?) song.
I have to hand it to you. Even the douchebaggiest of the douches at least remind me of something like Al Green or Aerosmith. You remind me of Linkin Park.
That's-- that's something to be proud of, I guess.
Now she's quoting the blog of someone else and I can only summarize it as "the ramblings of a fucking mental patient," but it does contain this line:

THE SWORD, NOW USED AS SHIELD.

Yeah that'd be called a parry, bro. Parry and riposte. Basics of fencing, now. Of course only the French can do something queer like add a point-based rule system to sword fighting but okay I'll roll with it. (look up fencing terms for added hilarity. Suddenly fencing sounds like a mix of ballet and gay porn)

I decided to get away this weekend; go to yuma.

So you know what's way fucking better than anything I'll ever read in this blog? 3:10 to Yuma.
In fact, yeah fuck this noise. Going to go watch a movie or something.