Charisma~

When you're trying to come off as a smart ass who says mean things because he can, it's fairly important to have some sort of charisma and sense. You have to be compelling so the audience doesn't turn on you, and you have to turn it on yourself sometimes, as fair is fair, and turning it on yourself keeps your pride from turning into conceit.
So when I saw today's offering, "Suck This" I immediately knew what was wrong.

Dear mothers in restaurants,

When your four or five year old child starts screaming and making cartoon sounds at the top of their lungs, you and your other family members are the only ones who find it cute or funny.

No, definitely don't care about this.

Trust me on that. The rest of us think your child should have a wad of napkins stuffed in his mouth and held in with duct tape. And you should have the napkin dispenser shoved up your ass sideways simply because you're so stupid and inconsiderate and obviously incapable of controlling your child.

Easy, punchy.

Wow! Something life changing and amazing just happened. I think I finally made a bowl of miso soup from scratch that I think tastes as good as that at the local Japanese restaurant! One of my big dreams is now fulfilled!!

"Big dreams"? Well it's good to have goals, I suppose--

The next thing I need to do is to find a better way to dissolve the raw miso paste in the dashi. Somehow I don't think submerging a lump in the dashi and crushing it between my fingers is the proper Japanese method.

Good grief. You're a real cunt, friend.

Twitter has now jumped the shark. Last one out please turn the lights off.

Well if the patriarch of cool has declared it so, hey. I'll hit the lights.

Watching Jessica Alba in a strapless dress on Leno while I'm eating Mickey's Kingdom cookies. Life can't get better!!

Your standards are low. Hurr durr gawking at Jessica Alba on the TV while eating (I love it when these bloggers admit they eat too much).
You're an oaf.

And for today's bit of work humor...

Oh boy I'm sure this will be a laugh riot (hostile audience here, bro, time to prove yourself).

A friend asked me to look at his girlfriend's computer. She's complaining of it running really slow. I've got it on my workbench now. Part of the problem is probably that it only has 512mb of ram...XP really needs 1GB.

RAM requirements for operating systems is no laughing matter, son. It bottlenecks countless systems.

But the bigger reason for the slowness would probably be the 59 malware infections. We obviously need to have a little chat about safe browsing practices.

I scrolled down in futility to read the punchline, but the post ends here.
I've noticed a lot of people confuse the words "humorous" and "anecdotal" a lot.

I currently have a Verizon Wireless data plan and card to use my laptop on the internet. Its pretty much for emergency only, when I absolutely *MUST* have net access from where ever I may be.

Yes, for those emergency porn downloading sessions.
Seriously what's this guy doing that he'll suddenly need the internet and not be near a computer with the internet? Are you really that goddamn important? (rhetorical question) What, are you some sort of CEO and suddenly see on your jet that QUICK! MICROSOFT HAS DROPPED! BUY! But you don't have the internet AND ANOTHER MULTI MILLION DOLLAR DEAL IS RUINED!

Is it just me, or is How I Met Your Mother getting to where its just not that funny any more?

>How I Met Your Mother
>implying it was ever funny
:|

I love it. Half the critics say Obama is a socialist. The other half say he is fascist. They can't even reach an agreement on that.

Nope not reading the rest of this.

Something incredible and unheard of just happened. I needed a 500GB EIDE hard drive. The amazing part? Best Buy's price is the same as Fry's price, and the Best Buy is only 80 miles round trip as opposed to 150 for Fry's.

Jesus Christ where the fuck do you live? Even when I lived in bumfuck, Maryland I was no more than 25 miles round trip from a Best Buy.

I have the perfect solution for dealing with North Korea. It involves launching a small rocket of our own.

Well good thing you're not in charge of international negotiations, huh? "I have a simple solution: NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE."

Today's Riddle of the Day...

What do you get when you cross a teenager who's had her drives license for two weeks, a Suzuki Sidekick, darkness, and a curvy country road?

This blog? Ronald McDonald?

I'm glad Kelsie is okay. But now that she's okay she really does deserve to have a foot put up her ass.

This is the second time you've mentioned objects going into the rectum that do not belong in the rectum. I'm watching you.

I feel worse for her dad (also, ironically, named David).

Coincidentally* named David.

I find it both interesting and annoying that when an older woman seeks out younger men she is called "cougar", but when an older man seeks out younger women he's called "pervert". Funny how that stuff works.

Or how when a guy sleeps with a ton of women he's awesome but when a woman does it she's a slut. I fail to see your point, other than "hurr durr people treat men and women differently."
Incidentally I just imagine every one of your posts begins with "hurr durr". I hope that's okay with you.

Okay, I'm pissed. Not even one of you nibbled on the April Fools post. I'm definitely losing my touch.

You worked so hard to make it convincing, too. Frankly with everything else you've said nothing you could say would surprise me.
Here it is:

Uh oh. I'm in trouble. I just read a pile of stuff from Rush Limbaugh. And he makes sense.

I need a drink. Now. Make it a triple. And leave the bottle on the desk.

HA, HA, HA WOW. Good humor, good humor. Oh God.

I've spent the last 15 minutes or so looking for my wallet. I finally found it.

In my pants pocket.

The pants that I'm wearing.

Good job. That's the kind of thing I don't admit to others.

Do people in Asian countries really eat Ramon Noodle type products, or is that just a gimmick to get us 'mericans to buy them?

(And yes, this means I'm cooking a pack now.)

THEM RAY-MON NEWDELS YOU ORIENTALS EAT? (brotip: it's ramen)

I just love it when I order a part from a US company and the company assures me it is being shipped from the US and will only take about a week, and then when it finally does show up after two and a half weeks it has a Hongkong customs sticker on it.

I love it when I order things from England after I've ordered something from America and the British order shows up before the American one.

I don't normally wish bad things to happen to people. I think its bad karma, if nothing else.

And I hope you get trapped on a burning elevator.
Well that was bad. Really bad.