FUCK

Sorry I've been busy with things and stuff.
Work could be an excuse but that's really just 8 hours a day.
The real excuse is the Steam sale and vidya gayms.
Also like
going out sometimes
but not too often because let's not go crazy, ok.
Anyway let's do DEAR ANNIE.

Dear Annie: Please print my pet peeve. I am a senior citizen and dislike the terms used by waitresses, waiters and others serving the public. I feel that I'm being patronized when they call me, "Sweetie," "Honey," "Darlin'," "Angel," etc. These words are not endearing and make me want to decrease my tip.
"May I take your order, please?" is all that is necessary. If you know my name, use it. Otherwise, please stop speaking to me as if I were 5 years old. — B. 

I'd like to point out the letter above this that I skipped is about a veteran with PTSD.
Talk about a jump in seriousness of the problem. This guy might be trying not to freak out and murder everyone around him but meanwhile, you know, diner waitresses say shit you don't like.
Like if it bothers you that fucking much don't go there. Go to McDonald's where they don't say shit.
Or hell come to Korea where there's a weird BDSM vibe. The waitresses won't even speak to you unless spoken to first.

Dear Annie: A co-worker of mine sent a wedding "Save the Date" card addressed only to me. I've been married for eight years. When the invitation came, my name was the only one on the envelope, and the response card was already filled out, marked for one person attending. Obviously, my husband is not invited. After speaking to a few other co-workers, I realized I was not the only one. All of the other invitations were the same: no spouses.
My husband has decided it is too awkward for him to attend this wedding.
The consensus among my co-workers is that this is quite rude, and a lot of people's feelings have been hurt. The bride is only 24. She's been here a year, and I have to continue working with her. I'm not sure how to proceed. What should I do? — Minus One

lol weddings
white girl getting to be a princess no one's feelings matter

Dear Annie: I have been married for four years. In that time, we have split up twice, and it wasn't pretty either time. We have kids together. I pushed getting married when I became pregnant at 19. Then he claimed to fall out of love with me, stopped coming home after work and began treating me like his maid. So I left and took our child. He followed me and swore he'd do better. The second time we split, we fought so much that things were being thrown, and our throats were sore from screaming at each other. For the (now two) kids' sake, I said we can't keep fighting and left again.
Here's the problem now. While we were separated, I fell deeply in love with a married man.

Now that you're 24 you're so much fucking wiser.
I'm glad children are injected into this situation.
So let me see if I have assessed this situation correctly:
pregnant at 19 so you push him into a marriage he's obviously not ready for because he's a fucking idiot and 21
in 4 brief years of marriage you've split up twice
started an affair with a married man
oh but wait it's not "we have a kid" it's "we have kids" so this mistake has been repeated more than once--

We would talk about our troubled lives and build each other up. Every time I see him, the feeling is like thunder in my heart. But for the sake of our marriages and our children, we went back to our spouses. That was mainly his choice, and although I hung on his every word with disappointment, I agreed. It's been a year since my husband and I reconciled, and I stopped speaking to the other man. But I wake up with him on my mind, and he's in my thoughts 24/7. What's wrong with me?

The problem is you're stupid.

Dear Annie: People seem to have difficulty unfriending others on Facebook. I'd like to share with your readers how easy it is to avoid that.
You can limit Facebook friends by making some friends "acquaintances." You can elect to share posts with "friends except acquaintances." That way, not everyone will see what you post, but the people in your network won't know whether they are "friends" or "acquaintances," and there won't be any hurt feelings.
You also don't have to "unfriend" someone you aren't that close to. There are other categories, as well. I have a special list called "family." I think sometimes Facebook users are too quick to add everyone who asks to their "friend" list. I also believe it is a good idea when posting pictures of kids to make sure they are not tagged "public" so that you limit who can see them. — Facebook Extraordinaire 

Orrr you could do what I do: add everyone then never use Facebook.
Fuck social media.
I mean who the fuck thinks anyone gives a shit about you going to the store?
CHECK OUT THIS DINNER I BOUGHT LOL
literally 0 people care.
 I'm living halfway across the planet which is a lot more fucking interesting than your dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Know how many Facebook posts I've made about it?
FUCKING ZERO.

Dear F.E.: Many people don't bother looking into the more complicated aspects of using Facebook and other social media sites, but it's worth the extra effort to avoid unpleasantness down the road. Thanks for your expertise.

"Thank you for your expertise on this incredibly useless subject."
One day someone will thank me for my expertise on the Elder Scrolls plot or the background fluff to Warhammer.

Dear Annie: The reader from "Baton Rouge, La.," said she wishes she could bottle the innocence she enjoyed on TV back in the 1950s. Well, this innocence has been bottled, so to speak. 

Yeah those were simpler times when people were more innocent.
Remember that episode of Gunsmoke where Matt Dillon had to solve a rape and murder?
Or that episode of The Untouchables where Elliot Ness ended an opium ring by setting their warehouse on fire and mowing them all down with a Thompson submachine gun?
Simpler, innocent times.
Or the entirety of the show "The Westerner"?
Innocent times.
No, stupid, what you remember was when you personally didn't know as much. Times were never more or less innocent than they are now. It's just you were less aware of how shit life is.
See I'm in a unique position. I watched the TV my parents watched but unlike most people I genuinely enjoy the TV they watched so I get a rare perspective of being a modern person but I still know a lot about the TV of yore and I can tell you objectively it was no different than TV today.
Sure they might not have shown as much gore or sex but it was all implied.
If not showing it constitutes innocence then I'd call you a bit of a hypocrite because clearly the idea is there and we're just adhering to some sort of bizarre "don't ask, don't tell" policy that doesn't confront any of the underlying issues.
I think TV was better back then from a purely storytelling perspective. Most of the stories relied on the viewer actually thinking or knowing the first thing about anything.
But I would hardly call it a more innocent time.
The Twilight Zone's weird, schizophrenic paranoia about communism--
yeah TV was definitely more interesting back then.
You can view all shows from the 1950s and 60s as a moral play. The eternal tug of war between our own existential crisis of life in a post-WW2 society with its increasing technology and social obligations and the enemy from without that is communism and the average, middle class American white man in the middle.
Why yes I did write a thesis on this in college and this is my one chance to shoehorn it into something I did after college.
In fact it was published, thank you.

I loved the television shows of the '50s, and a lot of them are now available on DVD and on some of the cable TV stations. I regularly watch "Leave It to Beaver," "My Favorite Martian" and "Mr. Ed." Someday I want to buy "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet" and "The Patty Duke Show."
If she does not have access to cable TV stations that run old TV shows, she can easily pick up DVDs from local stores or online and give them to her grandchildren. — Schenectady, N.Y. 

Yeah I conveniently skirted that issue.
Much like any other time in history most of any media you can consume is shit.
I forget how I pulled that intellectual cartwheel in my paper. I seem to recall finding some kind of research that says most TV shows don't last more than a season and so therefore are just background noise in the greater point I'm trying to make, like a great song on a poorly tuned radio station.
I'm not sure why I'm making so many similes today.

Dear Annie. A young female member of my family has gotten fat, and I asked her the reason for the change. Now she won't speak to me. Everyone says I made a mistake, because no one should ever ask a woman why she is obese. I care about this young woman, and that is why I put the question to her. I don't want her to grow as big as another member of my family, that's all. — Concerned Old Man in West Hills 

Man I fucking love hearing fat Americans bitch about their persecution now.
Come live in my world for five minutes if you want to see real fat persecution.
You're the majority in America. No one cares if you're fat because everyone is fat.
Come to South Korea and hear how people talk about fat people here.
Also America has the benefit of that American independence. In Korea it's considered a moral obligation to do right by your society and if you're fat you're a burden.
So not only are you disgusting and lacking in self control you're possibly a bad person too.
Fat people in America, to me, are like Christians whining about persecution.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING MAJORITY. YOU CAN'T BE PERSECUTED.
I also discovered I still need to check my privilege in South Korea.
You know that was going to be a thing I could use when one of these snowflakes get uppity.
"Oh well I lived in a country where white people were a minority" but in fact most South Koreans consider Koreans and Americans white and that's kind of the end of it.
Koreans, Americans, English people, Australians (they don't really differentiate the rest of the English speaking world as a different country), most of Western Europe (not former Commie nations) and sometimes Chinese people are white.
This does create an interesting situation where black Americans are white.
Basically in South Korea the "enemy without" is SE Asians, Indians and sometimes Japanese people.
You can see how they treat people, too.
Like if I go to Daiso people are friendly.
I might be a foreigner but I'm a productive foreigner doing an important job.
Really, I work hard, I'm educated so I'm just like them.
But if you're Indian or Filipino?
You can see the change in behavior.

Dear Annie: I have two adult daughters, both married now. "Beth" lives nearby, but "Gina" moved across the country.
Beth was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder when she was in her early 20s. I think she suffered from it during childhood, but was undiagnosed. When they were children, I spent a great deal of time trying to calm Beth down and was aware that Gina did not get the same degree of attention. I tried to make up for it by doing things with Gina outside of the house. I became her Brownie troop leader and went on her class field trips. I made it my business to see that we had calm times together. 

I'm trying to imagine how the issue of ADHD would go down here.
I think it's safe to say they wouldn't consider it a real issue.

Dear Annie: I would like to respond to "Different Gods," the Pagan who doesn't want to attend church with her boyfriend's family at Christmas. 

Lol snowflake syndrome ahoy
We all know the hateful followers of the corpse god are just worshiping Aten under a different name anyway so you might as well go and pay your dues to the Sun Disc in the weirdest, most debased and alien way possible.
That was a point I tried to make to a Korean friend last weekend.
Like hey do you think it's kind of a problem you've replaced a lot of your traditional views with ours and your traditional gods are now anime caricatures to sell Tae Kwon Do lessons to children?
He kind of agreed with me but the problem as I saw it was he hadn't thought of that before.
This was after there was an attempted conversion at a park.
I swear I've run into more religious people trying to convert me here than in America.
I guess in America they already assume you're a Christer but here there's a good chance you're some form of heathen.

 I have been a practicing pagan for 30 years. Though I am devoted to my religion, I am still able to celebrate with family and friends. Holidays are about the season, the sharing and the joy in being alive. "Different Gods" should embrace the holidays as a way to show her love for her boyfriend and his family. Maybe then he might be more interested in attending some pagan festivals.

No, she's a girl and doing it for attention instead of some genuine philosophical view she holds so I wouldn't worry too much about this.
Or maybe I'm a massive hypocrite because I learned in years past the school I work for was unaware how important Christmas was (usually) to Westerners so they didn't strictly get it off
now it's like a few days off and I was like YEAH MAN THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO US WESTERNERS
APPARENTLY
I NEVER MADE A BIG DEAL OF IT EXCEPT WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT YOU KNOW A DAY OFF IS A DAY OFF

Dear Annie: I sent my children to a Christian school so they could get a quality education along with faith and good values. Sadly, it hasn't been the experience I was wishing for. This school has more bullying than a public school.  

>good values
>Christianity
choose one

Bullying is not just saying horrible things to each other or hitting. It also is being left out and not feeling welcome. Kids at this school who are not sports stars or whose families don't have money are outsiders. The saddest part is that it is not only the students. There are also parents who refuse to acknowledge the less well-off parents at school events.
Many children have transferred out of this school because of the bullying.
I was taught that you treat others how you want to be treated. Each child is an individual and should be respected as such. I am sure other parents have these same concerns, but no one speaks up. I ask that all parents set a good example for their children and pay attention to what they may or may not be doing. Is your child being a bully? Are you teaching them to judge others by what they look like or how much money they have? Is this your school? — Sad Parent in Nebraska Dear Nebraska: No school comes with a guarantee that the behavior of the parents and children will be exemplary. Bullying occurs everywhere. It is important that you teach your child how to deal with intimidating behavior from others and that school administrators and teachers are aware of the problem so they can address it.

Yeah
turn the other cheek.
Puss.
Look just because you're weak doesn't mean you need to instill that into your children.

Dear Annie: My husband and I are both in our 60s and have had a mutually loving and enjoyable sex life. We were intimate once or twice a week. Until now.
"Bill" recently was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and we have elected to do nothing aggressive. The doctor suggested "dutiful watching." Bill has some erectile dysfunction, and so he has all but eliminated sex from our bedroom. What used to be once a week is now less than once a month.
All I need is the cuddling we used to have and the touching and caressing. But I can barely get him to hold my hand. Sometimes, I wake up during the night and find that Bill is also awake. But he won't respond to my sweet caresses.
Bill refuses to talk about it. How do I assure him that I love him from the inside out? I don't care if we don't have sex. I just want the affection he used to show. — Sleepless in Seattle 

THE MAN HAS CANCER LET HIM FUCKING HAVE SOME SPACE
Bill, man, I say Lone Wolf it. Just go into the woods in a few months.

Dear Annie: Thanks for printing the letter from "Saddened." I am so relieved to know I am not the only husband with the same dilemma. It's hard for a male to confess he has these feelings and needs without sounding like a nag. I wish there was an answer.
Everything the writer said is the same at my home, including my deep love for my very uninterested wife of 44 years. I would show her this column, but it would only start tears. If she would just initiate holding hands or give me an occasional kiss, that would be so cool. I know she truly loves me, but she feels no need for physical intimacy. — O. 

"That would be so cool"?
You've been married for 44 years. Can you try not sounding like a 12 year old?
Also your uninterested wife?
More like uninteresting wife. Your own fault for marrying a boring cow with a heart of granite.
Emotionally needy man hooks up with withholding ice queen.
Sounds like a Lifetime special.

Dear Annie: I had to respond to "Not a Prude" and "Another Woman Speaking Out," who said they are disgusted with the appearance of females on national news programs wearing low-cut blouses and short dresses. All of my male friends and I have our own opinion on this subject.
There is nothing more attractive and sexy than a smart, knowledgeable professional female in today's business environment.
If that female happens to be good-looking with a nice figure and great legs, it is an asset she needs to use. I suspect most of us guys would not watch a news program if the women, regardless of their abilities, were fat and ugly or wore only long pants and suit jackets. That's just the way it is. — Bob in North Carolina 

>2014
>attractive women in the news
>watching the news
what is happening
Dude even Korea can't get hot women on the news.
This is a country of 7s and 8s.
Can't get one 8 on the news.
I walk by like 20 on my way to work in a given day.
I think it's safe to say news casting, collectively, needs to get its fucking act together.

Dear Bob: Well, we give you points for honesty, but your attitude is the very definition of sexist. Women in the media are role models for young girls and should look professional — just like the men. Preferring a newscast that presents women as sex symbols indicates a mindset that hasn't evolved since the 1950s. 

Oh yeah some vacuous slut just reading a teleprompter is a role model. If my daughter took that as a role model I'd fucking kill her.
I WOULD MURDER MY CHILD.

Women have spent decades trying to banish such old-fashioned thinking. 

Yeah the fucking hypocrites.
Don't look at my tits and ass even if they're on full display and I have writing on my ass but if Captain America goes shirtless that's just some good old fashioned fun.
Fuck off all of you.
Have you heard about this Anita Sar--Keesian something bitch?
She's whining about video games.
Really she's just stealing peoples' money but she's also bitching about video games--
because Tumblr feminists have identified this as more of a problem than rape in India or female illiteracy in the Middle East and Africa--
And her latest complaint is there aren't enough female protagonists in gaming.
By sheer coincidence, I'm sure, one of the things you could vote for on the Steam sale is "games with female protagonists" and that has been an option for like 3 days and it's always different games.
But anyway, like, if that's such a problem for you how about you make a video game with a female protagonist.
Most games you can make your own character anyway.
Make it a bitch if it's that much of a problem.
I usually do.
In fact when given the choice I always do.

Today's parents would not appreciate others judging their daughters' professional capabilities by whether they also are eye candy. 

I would be.
Because I know. People like pretty people.
I'd say oh good
at least she won't be checked by that.

The fact that some women are willing to debase themselves in order to be hired and admired by men like you does not make it appropriate or acceptable and only underscores the pressure many women still feel to conform to such outdated attitudes. 

Debase themselves?
Are you joking?
The news is a fucking joke anyway. It's entertainment.
No one wants to be entertained by an ugly bitch.
And if you are naive enough to think the news is serious or this isn't the case then you probably shouldn't be in a position to offer other people advice.
They're looking for worldly people who won't piss up their own nose and I'm noticing a dangerous pattern of that not happening with you, Annie.
Does it occur to anyone that you can turn a profit on some of these Steam sale games by buying them, letting them idle while you do something then selling the trading cards?
I just made 37 cents selling duplicate cards I have from "Long Live the Queen".
Long Live the Queen, incidentally, looks like a game for faggots or pedophiles but is in fact a simulation of what it would be like to be Machiavelli.
This company has a bad habit of doing that.
Oh this game?
Yeah looks like an anime game for 6 year old girls but is actually a cutthroat stock market simulator.
Thanks for that.
Now I get to explain to all my friends why I'm not actually gay.
Long Live the Queen?
Oh you have to raise an underage girl who has no parental guidance to be queen?
I'm sure that involves a lot of molestation you fucking ped
Yeah you'd think that until you're negotiating royal houses trying to kill her and war and civil war and peasant uprisings and plots to have her assassinated.
Suddenly it's like no time for molestation bitch you gotta take lessons in foreign policy immediately because that diplomat from the country stronger than ours is coming and I can't have you sassing off.
It is kinda bullshit though because sometimes you'll get skill checked in a category you didn't expect and the only way to prevent that is to have that happen and then know it's coming so you can avoid it.
The one especially egregious example that stands out to my mind is a box of poisoned chocolates halfway through the game where, if you don't have her trained in production or trade, poison, dogs or divination she'll just pop one in her mouth and keel over.
The ridiculous thing is teaching her about dogs is useless as far as I know because that's the only time it comes up.
I've never trained her high enough in poison to stop her from dying so your options are divination or production + trade and there are other production + trade checks so I hope you trained that early on or you're kinda fucked now.
Like how am I supposed to guess she was going to get a box of poison chocolates and without the trade skill she'll just eat them?
If there was a prompt I could have told her not to eat it because I'm paranoid enough an hour into this game to just assume they're poison.
Yeah good game otherwise.
If they made a sequel I'd suggest maybe less bullshit random skill checks and maybe have you raise the loli for more than a year.
It's less satisfying getting her from year 14-15 and then just have her become queen.
It'd be way better to take her at like 7 and then end at 15 so that way I can fully appreciate the Machiavellian nightmare I've created.
Anyway what was I talking about?
Oh I inadvertently discovered the greatest way to make toast recently.
Bread here is longer than toasters so I end up putting it on a low setting and putting it both ends in for twice as long
goddamn that's good toast.
Crispy and toasty with no burn.
And people speculated I'd have been starved by now.
Fuck anyway I gotta go.
Want to play vidya before work.

Dear Annie

Dear Annie has comments now.
Let's do this.

Dear Annie: When my birthday was coming up, I told my wife about a piece of technology I really wanted and asked her to buy it for me. It cost $300. She said it was too expensive and didn't get me anything except a card. 

Buy yourself the thing.

Come on bro.

In the past three weeks, she has purchased three birthday gifts for friends, each costing roughly $100. She put in a ton of effort to find exactly the right gift.
Am I justified in feeling hurt by this snub? Should I talk to her about it, or am I being petty?

Kill her and consume her brain so that you may gain her power.

I am a 62-year-old great-grandmother. Ten years ago, I committed a nonviolent felony. I served weekends in jail for a year, paid restitution, made every visit to my probation officer and complied with all of the other terms of my conviction and release.
I am honest with any potential employer about my past, my rehabilitation and my goal to never do a criminal act again. I have been a model citizen since this happened. I know I have to do better in my life than everyone else to make up for what I did. But I cannot get a job.
Society seems to view anyone who commits a crime as the scum of the Earth and not worth employing (unless you are a celebrity or have lots of money). Because I can't get a job, I cannot buy a car or find an apartment or even buy my grandchildren a candy bar. What is the point of "paying your debt to society" if "society" never forgives you? The death sentence would have made more sense than the five years' probation I received. No, I am not depressed, only stating what is true.

Top lel.
Shouldn't have committed the crime, then.
Like what are you doing committing nonviolent felonies at 52?

Dear Annie: My brother-in-law, "Tom," lives with us because he is not able to hold a job. Fifteen years ago, he moved to the Midwest with his wife and children. He was there for a year, and then his wife divorced him. We paid for his ticket home, and he lived with us for three months. He then moved to California to live with a cousin, but they threw him out when he couldn't hold onto a job and pay rent. He became homeless.
Tom moved back into his mother's house and found work, but only for a brief time before he was fired. Any money he had saved, he spent in bars and on women. When Mom went into a nursing home, Tom couldn't pay the upkeep on the house, so he rented it out and ended up homeless again. So we took him in.
We helped Tom get food stamps and a part-time job. He sees a counselor once a month. Our only rule is that he has to be in by 9 p.m., because I work early, and when he comes home late, it wakes me up. But Tom has a hard time following this.
Tom continues to make poor choices, and I am afraid he will end up living with us permanently. Why is he this way? And what can I do to help? — Miserable Sister-in-Law 

Throw the cunt out.
Annie needs to step it up. These are fucking gimmes.
None of these problems have required more than a sentences to correct.

Dear Annie: As a registered nurse and a patient who has had many dental procedures, I cringe every time I get into a dentist's chair. The reason is the overhead light — the one that the hygienist or dentist can adjust and lower. The hygienists and dentists wear gloves, but the gloves protect them, not the patient. They put their gloved hands in patients' mouths and then reach up and adjust the light as needed, time after time. Their gloved hands transfer bacteria from a patient's saliva (and sometimes blood) to the light fixture. Then the next patient gets in the chair, and the procedure is repeated.
I don't see how they can avoid transferring harmful bacteria and viruses from one patient to another unless they clean the light fixture off between every patient. I hope I'm wrong, but I have never seen or heard of this being done.
I learned sterile procedure in nursing school. If they teach sterile procedure to hygienists and dentists, they don't seem to be using it in my dentist's office. — Nervous Patient 

What the fuck 3rd world country are you going to to have your teeth worked on? At my dentist there's a cover over the light that gets changed between patients.

Dear Annie: I'm a 59-year-old non-working female who has been married for 20 years. I thought my husband was a wonderful man, but 10 years ago, he removed my name from our joint bank accounts. I worked for 30 years. I now find myself with no money and no job. I have to depend on my husband for everything. He doesn't give me money unless I beg for it.
Is there anything I can do legally to persuade him to give me an allowance? He says he pays all of our bills, so I don't need any money. Our three children agree with him. For health reasons, I cannot return to work. What can I do? — Confused

Well I mean women shouldn't be in charge of the finances so what's the problem?
Only joking.
Mostly.
But seriously your kids agree with him so that tells me you're not telling the entire story.
What is it?
Pills?
Uppers?
Downers?
The drink?
Hashish?
Soma?

Dear Confused: Because your husband and your children all believe you should not handle money, we have to ask whether there is a reason. Do you gamble? Do you overspend? Even so, you still should be allotted a small amount of money for personal use. 

Even Annie is calling your shit.

Dear Annie: I am very close to my 12-year-old grandson. His family life is not good, and since his parents live nearby, the boy is at my house more often than not.
The problem is, he started sleeping with me when he was a baby and still does it. I have addressed this issue several times and told him he's too old to crawl into bed with Grammie. But he cries and pleads with me, saying how much he loves me, and that he wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. I always give in, because deep down, I'm happy to have him with me.
My husband sleeps in another room due to health issues. He definitely thinks the boy should be sleeping in his own room, and we've had several arguments over this issue. This is such a stress on me every night. Please give me some advice. — Grammie 

Dude.
Just tell his friends. They'll call him a faggot until he stops.

Dear Annie: Did you know that an estimated 16 million youth participate in volunteer activities in the U.S. every year, and that by volunteering these young people will perform better in school? These amazing kids do everything from collecting gently used books and developing literacy programs to creating anti-bullying campaigns in school districts. All of these remarkable youth have a common goal: to raise awareness and solve the problems facing the world today.
To celebrate their ingenuity, idealism and passion, please remind your readers that Global Youth Service Day (GYSD) will take place April 11-13, 2014. Last year, young people around the world came together and participated in nearly 3,500 projects. Additionally, thousands of community partners in more than 135 countries brought together millions of young people to strengthen their communities through the power of youth volunteering.
For more information, your readers can visit www.GYSD.org. — Sincerely, Steven A. Culbertson, President and CEO, Youth Service America 

CEO and president of this company probably isn't donating his time.
All that free child labor and we have to act like you're some great saint.
Also most of the kids I see doing service learning hours are just ticking off boxes to graduate and get into college.

Dear Annie: Cremation seems to be getting more popular, but advisory notices from the cremation societies all say that there is at present no way of extracting DNA from cremains.
I feel the funeral homes should be obligated to preserve a DNA sample, even if it is a lock of hair. Some years ago, a woman named Anna Anderson claimed, probably sincerely, that she was Grand Duchess Anastasia from the Czarist Romanov family. A DNA sample proved otherwise. She had been cremated, and no one ever would have known the truth, but fortunately, a body part from an earlier operation had been preserved.
I realize that was an unusual case, but it did solve a mystery, and there may be others waiting to be solved. Perhaps people could make a provision in their will that a DNA sample be preserved. — P.J. 

Well if a crazy wants to claim outlandish things then maybe that's her business.
Is that seriously your argument for this non-issue?
This isn't even in response to an earlier letter. This is apropos of fucking nothing.
Like what, you're just sitting around your grotto thinking about how DNA should be preserved in case of cremation? Even at my most hopelessly unemployed point I had better shit to worry about.

I am a 13-year-old girl whose best friend (I'll call her "Blue") has become very rude and even annoying. I can no longer make a comment about something without her answering nastily or adding logic to imaginary scenarios that aren't intended to be logical. It's irritating.

The problem is she's a 13 year old girl.

We have another friend, "Violet," who is very creative and loves to draw. So do I. But when I showed Blue a picture I had done, she said, "Violet is way better than you are." This hurt my feelings, and I was angry. When I consulted Violet, she said Blue had been rude and annoying to her, too.
We don't want to offend Blue or lose her as a friend, but frankly, we can't handle her anymore. What should we do? — Red in Nevada

Sodomize her with a pipe.
Or call her a cunt.
Or stop talking to her.
The good news is at 13 you don't even have to act human and it's like what's expected of you.

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been happily married for eight years. This is a third marriage for both of us.
A few months back, my wife found that I had been visiting Internet porn sites. She became very upset and said this was the same as having sex outside of marriage.
This is something I'm not proud of and resolved not to do it again. Well, a few days back, in a moment of weakness, I typed in "nude beach." She says this is the same as a porn site. I feel it isn't, because it is a public beach.
Seeing how much pain I caused my wife, I won't go to that site again. However, I would like your opinion. Is this the same as adultery? — No Cheater

Clearly she's not letting you give her the tip enough and therefore porn is a reasonable substitute.
I don't understand this problem. You're both on your third fucking marriage. What does she expect at this point?
Clearly she either can't pick better or shouldn't expect better.
If all a guy is doing is looking up internet porno-- which is free-- to piss you off, then I'd say you should count your blessings.

Dear No Cheater: Deliberately searching out "nude beach" is a way to look for naked bodies without using the word "porn," but the effect is similar. And while looking at naked bodies is not the same as adultery, it is still a betrayal if it hurts your wife and you have broken your promise to stop. And if you are interacting in real time with real women online, we would consider that a form of cheating. You seem to have a problem with pornography. If you cannot stay away from it, consider that you may have an addiction that requires treatment.

Or you could jerk off to your thoughts.
No way she'd expect that.
I dunno, Annie. Pretty weak selection this time.
Where are the real problems?
Not some whining 13 year old and some dude jerking off to redtube.
HELP A BROTHER OUT, ANNIE
FUCK
Song of the now. Someone at a school I was substituting at reminded me this existed.

Fuck New Year's, too

Let's find a blog that isn't about fanfiction.
I will not review a blog if it involves fanfiction.
Well this is impossible.
Uhhhhh
Fuck.
Well time for a New Year's Resolution, then: I resolve to update on schedule more.
This has been the worst year for updates.
And fuck fanfiction I'm dead serious let's read Dear Annie instead.

Dear Annie: I have two grown daughters. I don't know what I expected as we all grew older, but it certainly wasn't what I got.
Here's the problem with my older daughter, "Bethany." The three of us had lunch together, and afterward, Bethany said she was bored and had taken on part-time work as a phone sex worker.

Haha oh wow.

I was stunned and thought she was making it up. She is notorious for lying. But she swore she was telling the truth. Annie, she and her husband both have good jobs, and she certainly doesn't need the money. It made me furious, but we have not mentioned it since. 

Your daughter is a whore.
What's there to say?
So basically her daughters are shitty and she doesn't know what to do because she raised them right.
I kinda doubt it but maybe.
Maybe they're just shitty people.
I mean the one already has a kid. Damage is done, I say.

Dear Annie: I am a married mother with two children, both in high school. But I am in love with a man who is not my husband of 21 years. "Harry" is my first love, and he came back into my life unexpectedly. He is also married.
Neither of us is passionate or loving toward our spouses anymore. We both feel that we are growing apart from them. I am waiting for my children to finish high school before I make any final move.
My husband still seems to believe we can be a happy couple, but I don't agree. He is unaware of my affair, but I can tell that he feels that I'm growing more distant from him every day.
An additional problem, however, is that Harry seems to go through fits and starts about leaving his large family for me. But his marriage is based on a lie. Do you have any suggestions on what we should do? 

THE REWARDS OF MARRYING WHITE WOMEN.
"I'll just stay married to him so I can suck the last vestiges of life from him."
Do I have any suggestions?
Stop being a lying cunt.
Also kill yourself.

Dear Massachusetts: Yes. You should stop lying and cheating and being disrespectful to each other and to your marriages. If you are unhappy with your husband, get counseling or get out. But do not rely on Harry to "save" you. We suspect he enjoys the affair more than he would a divorce, and that you enjoy the romance and intrigue more than working on the day-to-day responsibilities of a real marriage.
You've invested 21 years and have two children. Please see whether there is something worth salvaging, and if so, take the energy you are giving to Harry and put it into your marriage. You'd be surprised what a little genuine effort can do.

No fuck that.
End it.

Dear Annie: I plan to ask my girlfriend of seven years to marry me. I put the ring I wanted on layaway. It's a nice simple band with a big stone.

Whoa easy there, slugger. Read the letter above yours to make sure you're doing the right thing first.
Also you put a ring on layaway. You can't even afford the entry fee to marriage.
White women are expensive to keep and as you can see you're not getting much in return.
You have to ask yourself: what would baby Jesus do?

However, when we were talking about rings, she mentioned that she'd love a giddy, girly ring with smaller stones and a lot of design. She doesn't know about the ring I've already picked out.
Since I'm the one who has to buy the ring and do the asking, I feel I should get to pick the style. We can choose the wedding bands together. And if she changes her mind about marrying me, she doesn't get to keep the ring, right? — A Little Help 

You haven't even asked her and already you are hopelessly, irredeemably fucked. Don't do it.
You should get to pick the design?
You should pick something fashion related over your girlfriend?
The thing she, not you, is going to be wearing, no less?
You better fly home from Mars and unfuck yourself, pronto.

Dear Little: No about selecting the ring, but yes about returning it. Your girlfriend, not you, will be wearing this ring for a long time. If you're smart, you will let her pick the style she prefers. Otherwise, she may resent wearing it. 

Even if she likes the style you picked she'll still resent you because you took her choice away.
I don't think you understand how juvenile women are about marriage. It's their day to be the Disney princess.
It's like when men see movies involving giant robots. There's no rationalizing it.

You get to decide the price range. And if she breaks the engagement, she should return the ring. But as your first lesson in marriage, please learn to listen to the other person and be accommodating when you can.

Yeah. Get ready to, uhhh, "accommodate" a lot.
But don't expect it in return. Just lie down and die, really.

Dear Annie: I am an 84-year-old woman in love with a 92-year-old man. Since I'm rather old-fashioned, I do not believe in living with him unless we are married. However, marrying him could change our financial status. Is there any service that could be performed so that we may live together legally and not impact our children's legacy? -- In Love 

Wait 6 months and one or both of you will be dead.
Problem solved.

Dear Annie: I am responding to "Not Unsympathetic," whose granddaughter's birthday parties are "ruined" by a 6-year-old autistic stepgrandson.
I am the mother of a child on the autism spectrum. While his autism is very mild and would not ruin family gatherings, I am sensitive to his issues. Many times, autistic children have a meltdown because the stimulation is too much for them. The sounds, smells and noise produce a fight-or-flight response. That is not the same thing as a tantrum, in which children become unruly because they aren't getting their way.
The stepgrandson isn't going to the party with the intent of ruining it. Try to imagine a situation in which the noise is too much, the colors too bright, the smells overwhelming, and there are some alien rules of behavior that you don't understand. Try to hold it together under those circumstances at the age of 6.
When we're out with our son, we do our best to anticipate what might cause a meltdown and try to avoid it. But sometimes we don't know what's going to trigger it. Your advice to have a separate family party sounds like a good start. — Not Unsympathetic to the Child

Look I get it. I get your kid is autistic.
Can't this be about the other kid for a day, though?
If your kid is going to have a fight-or-flight response to birthdays maybe skip that one.

Dear Annie: I'm a 26-year-old female and have been engaged to a wonderful man for the past year. We had plans to marry after he graduates in June with his master's degree. 

Oh boy here it comes.

The problem started when on several occasions my girlfriends and I went out to the bars and danced until the wee hours. During one of those nights, I had a few too many drinks and ended up kissing one of the guys I was dancing with. My fiance found out about it from a mutual friend, and now he wants to break off our engagement. He feels this was cheating and that I have betrayed his trust.
Is this cheating, or is he being unreasonable? — Heartbroken 

Smart man. You're not even married yet and already you're acting a fool.
I believe Julius Caesar makes this patently clear when he says "a Caesar's wife must be above suspicion."
If you want to be happy in life this should be your first, second, third and maybe fourth and fifth consideration.

Dear Heartbroken: While it may not be as serious as sleeping with another guy, that kiss was still a betrayal. And if you enjoy going out to bars in order to dance with other guys and drink so much that you cannot control your behavior, it doesn't sound as if you are ready to get married. Imagine how you would feel if your fiance behaved this way.
You owe him a sincere apology and a promise to curtail your drinking. We hope he is willing to give you another chance. But if you cannot understand or admit that your behavior was inappropriate, please let him find someone else who shares his values.

Please let him?
I think he'll do as he pleases. He sounds like the first reasonable person I've come across in these letters this evening.
Here's someone writing in with protips and the letter ends with this sage advice:

But I have no other answers. Life is complex, and sometimes you limp along as best you can.

Thanks for that I guess.

Dear Annie: I recently lost my driving privileges and have been getting a ride from a co-worker twice a week. I am right on her way to the office, so it's not at all out of her way.
This co-worker recently blindsided me with a demand to pay her gas money.
I don't feel I should pay her, because she already drives there. Do you think I should pay? How much? I already pay another person to take me to and from work on the other three days because it is definitely out of the way for him. I can't afford to pay a second person. I work the third shift and am the main provider for my family of five. — Broke in Ohio

Should've thought of that before losing your license, I suppose.
Also yes. She's doing you a favor you selfish fuck. Float her 20 bucks.

Dear Annie: My stepdaughter has announced that she will be getting married next year. She would like a destination wedding in Tahiti.
Her father and I do not have a lot of money. We told her we could give her a certain amount toward the wedding, but we could not afford for both of us to attend. Her response was, "You'll figure it out."
My husband is two years away from retirement, and we refuse to take out a loan. I'm afraid this is going to cause tension in the family.
Please help. — Not Going

How about you get married in a small, local ceremony then buy a house?
Or don't because real estate is a losing roll of the dice for idiots.
How about you save that money?
Just kidding. Can't tell a Disney princess that.
Only solution: "fuck off and die you worthless sack of shit."
And I'm up to the point where I last left off on this grand adventure.
Wow.
Fuck fanfiction, man.

DEAR ASSHOLE

I'm so fucking bored of blogs.

After 4 years the best blogs on the internet include pictures of Warhammer models and a Russian dude who posts pictures of naked Asian girls.
While Warhammer and (naked) Asian girls are for sure in my top 5 favorite things ever we're not exactly talking about a high batting average.
So let's go down.
Way on down to London town.
Let's go back to what first gave me the idea for this mess--
reading Dear Abby and thinking "I can give better advice than this."

WIFE'S WILD PAST PUTS FUTURE OF HER MARRIAGE IN JEOPARDY

Already the hits are rolling.

DEAR ABBY: This is my wife's second marriage. When we were dating, she led me to believe that I was the second sexual partner she had ever had.  

>believing anyone about anything ever
>believing white women in particular
harr not today, asshole.
I'm dead fucking serious when I say a totally Machiavellian society would be far, far more trustworthy and noble than what we have now.
Take EVE Online as a prime example. You cannot trust a single person by default so no one trust anyone.
So because no one is ever trusted about anything it's totally equal. There's none of this "well she told me this" because the default stance would be "yeah and she's full of shit."
There'd be no malice, either. That's just business.
I managed to rope this gaggle of newbies into selling me all their ore at a price not technically unfair to them (it's unfair if they had refining skills but they don't so $$$)
and when I told them how I wanted the ore packaged (easy for me to double check their math) their response was "don't you trust us?"
and my response was "no and welcome to EVE"
and they were ok with that.

Shortly after our wedding, I found out through some mutual acquaintances she had attended college with that she had been very promiscuous during her college years and that the number of men she has been with is far greater than two.

Why are you asking, I mean really?
I wouldn't care unless she's still sleeping with prodigious amounts of men while being married to me.
Or giving me AIDS I guess.
Really you should find a woman who has done that and feels guilty about it.
She'll try harder to not screw up.
Who you have to watch out for is the woman who has slept with only you when you married her because there's like a 90% chance she'll snap and go crazy and fuck everyone because you "smothered her".
I've heard of this happening.

I love her and want to stay with her, but I feel betrayed and, frankly, embarrassed by her now. What do I do? -- CONFOUNDED IN THE SOUTH

What do you do?
Drop the bitch like she's on fire
get on a plane
go to the Philippines
open up your motherfuckin' wallet
take your pick.
You stupid fuck.
I'm not even talking about the sleeping around thing because who gives a fuck but it's time to do your life up fuckin' right for once.

DEAR CONFOUNDED: People lie when they feel threatened, when they want to impress someone or when they're ashamed of something. 

Just watch this video for enlightenment about why you do what you do
If you haven't seen that movie, incidentally, stop whatever you're doing and watch it.
The movie is called Heat. 1995. Al Pacino.
I'm pretty sure I can enlighten all of America with just my words and clips from movies on Youtube.

Please be aware that many women in our society have had multiple partners, so if you're looking to replace your wife anytime soon, you may be hard pressed to find a woman with no experience. If you want to salvage your marriage, I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist, but don't spend your money unless you can forgive your wife for being afraid to tell you the truth.

Hey whoa all right.
The bitch did lie. Don't act like he's the menace here.
He might be an asshole and misguided but that doesn't excuse the reality.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I have a problem. I recently met a girl in a chat room, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well.

No.

As we've been talking, she has told me she is suicidal, and in the past three days she has made three attempts to take her life. (As I'm writing this, she is in the hospital.)

Cocksucking liar. Don't believe a word she says.
It's a dude in Missouri. 

Being a sensitive person, I try to talk her out of it, but she keeps shutting me out, and once she's OK, she is a completely different person. I still want to be her friend, but this is getting to be too much for me. Please help. -- WORRIED IN VERMONT

Girl is an acronym in the internet: Guy In Real Life.
Here's like 3 days of Abby phoning it the fuck in and letting people who write letters give advice--

DEAR ABBY: Our son recently came to us and confessed that three years ago he'd had an affair with a married woman who had two children. He ran into her recently, and she told him she now has three children, and the most recent one -- age 3 -- is his daughter. She's still married to the man she cheated on, and our son says he's still in love with her.

Once again Heat to the rescue on the reaction front.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has had a string of unsuccessful relationships. When a man is into me, I'm not into him and vice versa.I know the problem is mostly mine. I'm very independent. 

No.
Sorry you're the trouble I fix in these letters.

DEAR ABBY: How does one stop family and old friends from going on and on about their aches, pains, symptoms, conditions, doctor visits and medications in excruciating detail? Aside from my mother (who is 85), I don't care to hear about this from others.

Kill them.

KIDS WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ARE UNLIKELY TO BE BULLIED

After having observed the high schooler in his native habitat for nigh on 3 years now I can tell you that is not the case.
All kids are bullies and are bullied. It's just the sensitive ones that seem to pick up on it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in fifth grade, and I have noticed that teachers pick favorites. I'd like to know if or how I could be one. -- NERVOUS STUDENT IN CALIFORNIA

Don't be a narc.
No just kidding. Don't be a twat and pay attention and get fucking quiet when I have to take attendance.
Don't be that one bitchy girl who thinks getting quiet means everyone but her.
Then cop an attitude when I stare and stare at you until you finally shut your fucking yap about whatever irrelevant bullshit no one cares about you're wasting my MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME with.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Todd," is a daily pot smoker. We met during our senior year of college, and I knew he smoked. I don't use drugs, and I assumed that after college he would grow up. However, it seems unlikely that he will quit, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

Quit harshin' my mellow, man.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Tina," and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. Because men lose weight faster than women, I now weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.

Tina already has self-esteem issues. I want to look good for our wedding, but not at the cost of my fiancee's hurt feelings. What can I do? -- AT A LOSS IN MICHIGAN

What can you do?
What can't you do?

CROSS-DRESSING HUSBAND WORRIES HIS SECRET IS OUT

BRO.

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together.
During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We're not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. -- CAUGHT IN A PANIC

Dude what the fuck is happening
why would you write to Dear Abby about this?
Also caught 3 times by 3 different people?
I dunno man sounds like you either want to start showing girls your penis in public or you need to invest in some fucking blinds.
Goodbye--

DEAR CAUGHT: Because you would prefer to keep your cross-dressing private and this is October, you could tell your neighbors your female attire is what you'll be wearing to a costume party. It's plausible.
However, when someone is "caught" engaging in a private activity once -- that's an accident. When it happens three times in one week, I can't help but wonder whether on some level you would like to be more open about your lifestyle.
If you're not aware, a resource, The Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess International), offers support for heterosexual cross-dressers as well as their spouses, partners and families. It has been in my column before and is the oldest and largest support organization for cross-dressers and those who love them. It promotes cross-dressing with dignity and decency, and treats spouses on an equal basis with their cross-dressers. You can learn more about it at www.tri-ess.org.

Dear Abby says all that I say, isn't as clever about it then offers actual help.
Incidentally I'm a card carrying member of Tri-Ess International.

DEAR ABBY: I'm never happy with just one partner. It's not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week -- just some options. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK. But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.

DON'T BE SUCH A WHORE.

DEAR ABBY: I recently told my mother that I am transgender, male to female. She is supportive and urged me to come out to my father. Abby, he doesn't believe me!

I read this one yesterday in preparation for this and all I can say is what a fucking baller.
I guarantee every scenario was exhausted mentally and the male-to-female transgender prepared to be disowned.
ONLY TO BE PSYCHED OUT.
NOPE DON'T BELIEVE YOU ASSHOLE I'VE SEEN MAURY AND BEEN TO THAILAND YOU AIN'T NO TRANNY
I bet dad has to shave 3 times a day and lost an eye in a bear fight.
Here's what you do:  high five your father and let him take you fishing or something.
Man that was a good time reading Dear Abby.
I might make this a regular feature or something.
WHAT SAY YOU, READERS?
Also in celebration of how fucking gay the world is the song of the now is this song.
I made sure to find the gayest one I could.
Korean girls singing about butterflies and flowers and I sing along to this at full blast down the road.
I am physically incapable of giving fucks.
Also if you don't want to comment on this new feature comment on who you think the hottest member of Girl's Generation is.
Warning: your opinion might be wrong.