Fuck New Year's, too

Let's find a blog that isn't about fanfiction.
I will not review a blog if it involves fanfiction.
Well this is impossible.
Uhhhhh
Fuck.
Well time for a New Year's Resolution, then: I resolve to update on schedule more.
This has been the worst year for updates.
And fuck fanfiction I'm dead serious let's read Dear Annie instead.

Dear Annie: I have two grown daughters. I don't know what I expected as we all grew older, but it certainly wasn't what I got.
Here's the problem with my older daughter, "Bethany." The three of us had lunch together, and afterward, Bethany said she was bored and had taken on part-time work as a phone sex worker.

Haha oh wow.

I was stunned and thought she was making it up. She is notorious for lying. But she swore she was telling the truth. Annie, she and her husband both have good jobs, and she certainly doesn't need the money. It made me furious, but we have not mentioned it since. 

Your daughter is a whore.
What's there to say?
So basically her daughters are shitty and she doesn't know what to do because she raised them right.
I kinda doubt it but maybe.
Maybe they're just shitty people.
I mean the one already has a kid. Damage is done, I say.

Dear Annie: I am a married mother with two children, both in high school. But I am in love with a man who is not my husband of 21 years. "Harry" is my first love, and he came back into my life unexpectedly. He is also married.
Neither of us is passionate or loving toward our spouses anymore. We both feel that we are growing apart from them. I am waiting for my children to finish high school before I make any final move.
My husband still seems to believe we can be a happy couple, but I don't agree. He is unaware of my affair, but I can tell that he feels that I'm growing more distant from him every day.
An additional problem, however, is that Harry seems to go through fits and starts about leaving his large family for me. But his marriage is based on a lie. Do you have any suggestions on what we should do? 

THE REWARDS OF MARRYING WHITE WOMEN.
"I'll just stay married to him so I can suck the last vestiges of life from him."
Do I have any suggestions?
Stop being a lying cunt.
Also kill yourself.

Dear Massachusetts: Yes. You should stop lying and cheating and being disrespectful to each other and to your marriages. If you are unhappy with your husband, get counseling or get out. But do not rely on Harry to "save" you. We suspect he enjoys the affair more than he would a divorce, and that you enjoy the romance and intrigue more than working on the day-to-day responsibilities of a real marriage.
You've invested 21 years and have two children. Please see whether there is something worth salvaging, and if so, take the energy you are giving to Harry and put it into your marriage. You'd be surprised what a little genuine effort can do.

No fuck that.
End it.

Dear Annie: I plan to ask my girlfriend of seven years to marry me. I put the ring I wanted on layaway. It's a nice simple band with a big stone.

Whoa easy there, slugger. Read the letter above yours to make sure you're doing the right thing first.
Also you put a ring on layaway. You can't even afford the entry fee to marriage.
White women are expensive to keep and as you can see you're not getting much in return.
You have to ask yourself: what would baby Jesus do?

However, when we were talking about rings, she mentioned that she'd love a giddy, girly ring with smaller stones and a lot of design. She doesn't know about the ring I've already picked out.
Since I'm the one who has to buy the ring and do the asking, I feel I should get to pick the style. We can choose the wedding bands together. And if she changes her mind about marrying me, she doesn't get to keep the ring, right? — A Little Help 

You haven't even asked her and already you are hopelessly, irredeemably fucked. Don't do it.
You should get to pick the design?
You should pick something fashion related over your girlfriend?
The thing she, not you, is going to be wearing, no less?
You better fly home from Mars and unfuck yourself, pronto.

Dear Little: No about selecting the ring, but yes about returning it. Your girlfriend, not you, will be wearing this ring for a long time. If you're smart, you will let her pick the style she prefers. Otherwise, she may resent wearing it. 

Even if she likes the style you picked she'll still resent you because you took her choice away.
I don't think you understand how juvenile women are about marriage. It's their day to be the Disney princess.
It's like when men see movies involving giant robots. There's no rationalizing it.

You get to decide the price range. And if she breaks the engagement, she should return the ring. But as your first lesson in marriage, please learn to listen to the other person and be accommodating when you can.

Yeah. Get ready to, uhhh, "accommodate" a lot.
But don't expect it in return. Just lie down and die, really.

Dear Annie: I am an 84-year-old woman in love with a 92-year-old man. Since I'm rather old-fashioned, I do not believe in living with him unless we are married. However, marrying him could change our financial status. Is there any service that could be performed so that we may live together legally and not impact our children's legacy? -- In Love 

Wait 6 months and one or both of you will be dead.
Problem solved.

Dear Annie: I am responding to "Not Unsympathetic," whose granddaughter's birthday parties are "ruined" by a 6-year-old autistic stepgrandson.
I am the mother of a child on the autism spectrum. While his autism is very mild and would not ruin family gatherings, I am sensitive to his issues. Many times, autistic children have a meltdown because the stimulation is too much for them. The sounds, smells and noise produce a fight-or-flight response. That is not the same thing as a tantrum, in which children become unruly because they aren't getting their way.
The stepgrandson isn't going to the party with the intent of ruining it. Try to imagine a situation in which the noise is too much, the colors too bright, the smells overwhelming, and there are some alien rules of behavior that you don't understand. Try to hold it together under those circumstances at the age of 6.
When we're out with our son, we do our best to anticipate what might cause a meltdown and try to avoid it. But sometimes we don't know what's going to trigger it. Your advice to have a separate family party sounds like a good start. — Not Unsympathetic to the Child

Look I get it. I get your kid is autistic.
Can't this be about the other kid for a day, though?
If your kid is going to have a fight-or-flight response to birthdays maybe skip that one.

Dear Annie: I'm a 26-year-old female and have been engaged to a wonderful man for the past year. We had plans to marry after he graduates in June with his master's degree. 

Oh boy here it comes.

The problem started when on several occasions my girlfriends and I went out to the bars and danced until the wee hours. During one of those nights, I had a few too many drinks and ended up kissing one of the guys I was dancing with. My fiance found out about it from a mutual friend, and now he wants to break off our engagement. He feels this was cheating and that I have betrayed his trust.
Is this cheating, or is he being unreasonable? — Heartbroken 

Smart man. You're not even married yet and already you're acting a fool.
I believe Julius Caesar makes this patently clear when he says "a Caesar's wife must be above suspicion."
If you want to be happy in life this should be your first, second, third and maybe fourth and fifth consideration.

Dear Heartbroken: While it may not be as serious as sleeping with another guy, that kiss was still a betrayal. And if you enjoy going out to bars in order to dance with other guys and drink so much that you cannot control your behavior, it doesn't sound as if you are ready to get married. Imagine how you would feel if your fiance behaved this way.
You owe him a sincere apology and a promise to curtail your drinking. We hope he is willing to give you another chance. But if you cannot understand or admit that your behavior was inappropriate, please let him find someone else who shares his values.

Please let him?
I think he'll do as he pleases. He sounds like the first reasonable person I've come across in these letters this evening.
Here's someone writing in with protips and the letter ends with this sage advice:

But I have no other answers. Life is complex, and sometimes you limp along as best you can.

Thanks for that I guess.

Dear Annie: I recently lost my driving privileges and have been getting a ride from a co-worker twice a week. I am right on her way to the office, so it's not at all out of her way.
This co-worker recently blindsided me with a demand to pay her gas money.
I don't feel I should pay her, because she already drives there. Do you think I should pay? How much? I already pay another person to take me to and from work on the other three days because it is definitely out of the way for him. I can't afford to pay a second person. I work the third shift and am the main provider for my family of five. — Broke in Ohio

Should've thought of that before losing your license, I suppose.
Also yes. She's doing you a favor you selfish fuck. Float her 20 bucks.

Dear Annie: My stepdaughter has announced that she will be getting married next year. She would like a destination wedding in Tahiti.
Her father and I do not have a lot of money. We told her we could give her a certain amount toward the wedding, but we could not afford for both of us to attend. Her response was, "You'll figure it out."
My husband is two years away from retirement, and we refuse to take out a loan. I'm afraid this is going to cause tension in the family.
Please help. — Not Going

How about you get married in a small, local ceremony then buy a house?
Or don't because real estate is a losing roll of the dice for idiots.
How about you save that money?
Just kidding. Can't tell a Disney princess that.
Only solution: "fuck off and die you worthless sack of shit."
And I'm up to the point where I last left off on this grand adventure.
Wow.
Fuck fanfiction, man.