DEAR ASSHOLE

I'm so fucking bored of blogs.

After 4 years the best blogs on the internet include pictures of Warhammer models and a Russian dude who posts pictures of naked Asian girls.
While Warhammer and (naked) Asian girls are for sure in my top 5 favorite things ever we're not exactly talking about a high batting average.
So let's go down.
Way on down to London town.
Let's go back to what first gave me the idea for this mess--
reading Dear Abby and thinking "I can give better advice than this."

WIFE'S WILD PAST PUTS FUTURE OF HER MARRIAGE IN JEOPARDY

Already the hits are rolling.

DEAR ABBY: This is my wife's second marriage. When we were dating, she led me to believe that I was the second sexual partner she had ever had.  

>believing anyone about anything ever
>believing white women in particular
harr not today, asshole.
I'm dead fucking serious when I say a totally Machiavellian society would be far, far more trustworthy and noble than what we have now.
Take EVE Online as a prime example. You cannot trust a single person by default so no one trust anyone.
So because no one is ever trusted about anything it's totally equal. There's none of this "well she told me this" because the default stance would be "yeah and she's full of shit."
There'd be no malice, either. That's just business.
I managed to rope this gaggle of newbies into selling me all their ore at a price not technically unfair to them (it's unfair if they had refining skills but they don't so $$$)
and when I told them how I wanted the ore packaged (easy for me to double check their math) their response was "don't you trust us?"
and my response was "no and welcome to EVE"
and they were ok with that.

Shortly after our wedding, I found out through some mutual acquaintances she had attended college with that she had been very promiscuous during her college years and that the number of men she has been with is far greater than two.

Why are you asking, I mean really?
I wouldn't care unless she's still sleeping with prodigious amounts of men while being married to me.
Or giving me AIDS I guess.
Really you should find a woman who has done that and feels guilty about it.
She'll try harder to not screw up.
Who you have to watch out for is the woman who has slept with only you when you married her because there's like a 90% chance she'll snap and go crazy and fuck everyone because you "smothered her".
I've heard of this happening.

I love her and want to stay with her, but I feel betrayed and, frankly, embarrassed by her now. What do I do? -- CONFOUNDED IN THE SOUTH

What do you do?
Drop the bitch like she's on fire
get on a plane
go to the Philippines
open up your motherfuckin' wallet
take your pick.
You stupid fuck.
I'm not even talking about the sleeping around thing because who gives a fuck but it's time to do your life up fuckin' right for once.

DEAR CONFOUNDED: People lie when they feel threatened, when they want to impress someone or when they're ashamed of something. 

Just watch this video for enlightenment about why you do what you do
If you haven't seen that movie, incidentally, stop whatever you're doing and watch it.
The movie is called Heat. 1995. Al Pacino.
I'm pretty sure I can enlighten all of America with just my words and clips from movies on Youtube.

Please be aware that many women in our society have had multiple partners, so if you're looking to replace your wife anytime soon, you may be hard pressed to find a woman with no experience. If you want to salvage your marriage, I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist, but don't spend your money unless you can forgive your wife for being afraid to tell you the truth.

Hey whoa all right.
The bitch did lie. Don't act like he's the menace here.
He might be an asshole and misguided but that doesn't excuse the reality.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I have a problem. I recently met a girl in a chat room, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well.

No.

As we've been talking, she has told me she is suicidal, and in the past three days she has made three attempts to take her life. (As I'm writing this, she is in the hospital.)

Cocksucking liar. Don't believe a word she says.
It's a dude in Missouri. 

Being a sensitive person, I try to talk her out of it, but she keeps shutting me out, and once she's OK, she is a completely different person. I still want to be her friend, but this is getting to be too much for me. Please help. -- WORRIED IN VERMONT

Girl is an acronym in the internet: Guy In Real Life.
Here's like 3 days of Abby phoning it the fuck in and letting people who write letters give advice--

DEAR ABBY: Our son recently came to us and confessed that three years ago he'd had an affair with a married woman who had two children. He ran into her recently, and she told him she now has three children, and the most recent one -- age 3 -- is his daughter. She's still married to the man she cheated on, and our son says he's still in love with her.

Once again Heat to the rescue on the reaction front.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has had a string of unsuccessful relationships. When a man is into me, I'm not into him and vice versa.I know the problem is mostly mine. I'm very independent. 

No.
Sorry you're the trouble I fix in these letters.

DEAR ABBY: How does one stop family and old friends from going on and on about their aches, pains, symptoms, conditions, doctor visits and medications in excruciating detail? Aside from my mother (who is 85), I don't care to hear about this from others.

Kill them.

KIDS WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ARE UNLIKELY TO BE BULLIED

After having observed the high schooler in his native habitat for nigh on 3 years now I can tell you that is not the case.
All kids are bullies and are bullied. It's just the sensitive ones that seem to pick up on it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in fifth grade, and I have noticed that teachers pick favorites. I'd like to know if or how I could be one. -- NERVOUS STUDENT IN CALIFORNIA

Don't be a narc.
No just kidding. Don't be a twat and pay attention and get fucking quiet when I have to take attendance.
Don't be that one bitchy girl who thinks getting quiet means everyone but her.
Then cop an attitude when I stare and stare at you until you finally shut your fucking yap about whatever irrelevant bullshit no one cares about you're wasting my MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME with.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of five years, "Todd," is a daily pot smoker. We met during our senior year of college, and I knew he smoked. I don't use drugs, and I assumed that after college he would grow up. However, it seems unlikely that he will quit, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

Quit harshin' my mellow, man.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Tina," and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. Because men lose weight faster than women, I now weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.

Tina already has self-esteem issues. I want to look good for our wedding, but not at the cost of my fiancee's hurt feelings. What can I do? -- AT A LOSS IN MICHIGAN

What can you do?
What can't you do?

CROSS-DRESSING HUSBAND WORRIES HIS SECRET IS OUT

BRO.

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together.
During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We're not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. -- CAUGHT IN A PANIC

Dude what the fuck is happening
why would you write to Dear Abby about this?
Also caught 3 times by 3 different people?
I dunno man sounds like you either want to start showing girls your penis in public or you need to invest in some fucking blinds.
Goodbye--

DEAR CAUGHT: Because you would prefer to keep your cross-dressing private and this is October, you could tell your neighbors your female attire is what you'll be wearing to a costume party. It's plausible.
However, when someone is "caught" engaging in a private activity once -- that's an accident. When it happens three times in one week, I can't help but wonder whether on some level you would like to be more open about your lifestyle.
If you're not aware, a resource, The Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess International), offers support for heterosexual cross-dressers as well as their spouses, partners and families. It has been in my column before and is the oldest and largest support organization for cross-dressers and those who love them. It promotes cross-dressing with dignity and decency, and treats spouses on an equal basis with their cross-dressers. You can learn more about it at www.tri-ess.org.

Dear Abby says all that I say, isn't as clever about it then offers actual help.
Incidentally I'm a card carrying member of Tri-Ess International.

DEAR ABBY: I'm never happy with just one partner. It's not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week -- just some options. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK. But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.

DON'T BE SUCH A WHORE.

DEAR ABBY: I recently told my mother that I am transgender, male to female. She is supportive and urged me to come out to my father. Abby, he doesn't believe me!

I read this one yesterday in preparation for this and all I can say is what a fucking baller.
I guarantee every scenario was exhausted mentally and the male-to-female transgender prepared to be disowned.
ONLY TO BE PSYCHED OUT.
NOPE DON'T BELIEVE YOU ASSHOLE I'VE SEEN MAURY AND BEEN TO THAILAND YOU AIN'T NO TRANNY
I bet dad has to shave 3 times a day and lost an eye in a bear fight.
Here's what you do:  high five your father and let him take you fishing or something.
Man that was a good time reading Dear Abby.
I might make this a regular feature or something.
WHAT SAY YOU, READERS?
Also in celebration of how fucking gay the world is the song of the now is this song.
I made sure to find the gayest one I could.
Korean girls singing about butterflies and flowers and I sing along to this at full blast down the road.
I am physically incapable of giving fucks.
Also if you don't want to comment on this new feature comment on who you think the hottest member of Girl's Generation is.
Warning: your opinion might be wrong.