Let's do this

Hope you got your freedoms close to you because it's time for some motherfuckin' Dear Annie.

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been separated for four years. We have joint custody of our beautiful 8-year-old daughter. "Lizzie" spends half the week with me and the other half with her mother. It works out well, and Lizzie fully understands that she now has to live in two separate, loving homes.
Here's the problem: When going to gatherings and parties, my mother's friends and other family members feel the need to say, "It's so nice that you guys share her right now, because when she gets older, you know she's going to want to live with her mom full time." Or, "What are you going to do when she's a teenager and only wants to stay with her mom?" They then begin to tell me stories about their divorced son or a friend's son to whom this has happened. 

Who cares?
People are going to run their fucking mouths no matter what you do so just teach your daughter early that people are assholes and there's not much that can be done about it.

Dear Annie: I hope you can help me with an unusual request. I am a very heavyset female, and there are some parts of my body that I can't reach to wash. Because of that, I have an odor that I hope no one else can smell, but I'm not sure. Is there any place where I could get these private parts shaved? I am sure that would help a lot.

 FUUUUUUCK
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK
Picture added by me, obviously.
In case you thought Dear Annie suddenly turned hardcore.

Dear Ms. Bit: You would have to ask at a salon whether they would shave you. You might have better luck with a bikini wax.

Oh Christ.
Hang on I'm going to see how much a bikini line waxer makes--
Google recommends I search for "how do I get a bikini wax while pregnant" instead.
If that's a serious concern you have should you be raising a child?
I don't know.
Anyway I'm getting off topic.
The answer, I found out, is 26,000 dollars on average.
And I in other news I have found the most underpaid career in America.
And you thought it was teachers, bah.

For permanent hair removal, you can check into laser therapy or electrolysis, although both require multiple treatments and are not inexpensive. In the meantime, look into installing a handheld shower sprayer and check online for easily available hygiene products geared toward those hard-to-reach places.

HOW ABOUT YOU LOSE SOME GODDAMN WEIGHT
ONCE YOU CAN NO LONGER CLEAN THE FISH HOLE OUT IT'S TIME TO LOOK INTO  MAYBE SPENDING SOME TIME ON A MOTHERFUCKING TREADMILL.

Dear Annie: I have lupus, but because I usually look OK, people assume I'm doing fine. I am part of a small group of Christian ladies that meets monthly. Often, I'm unable to attend because I'm not well. I notify our group's coordinator and tell her specifically what is wrong that day — headache, fatigue, achiness, etc. — so that the ladies can pray for me. No one has ever called to check on me afterward. 

Take solace in your voodoo and be done with it.

Dear Annie: My sister-in-law, "Marie," has been diagnosed as bipolar, but doesn't take any medication. For 25 years, it has caused serious trouble. Marie is a spiteful, evil, controlling human being.

Wow that's terrible.
I'm keeping the obvious joke in check right now.

You can't find a single person in town with a kind word to say about her. Her own daughters try to keep their distance. 

Well, you know--
What can you do when you marry white women
WOOOOO THANK YOU

My brother is afraid to leave her and instead seeks the company of other women. He's had many affairs during their marriage. All of the men he works with are aware of this and even encourage it because they see how awful his wife is.
As brothers, we were always close, but Marie has managed to sever our relationship. My brother is not a healthy man. He works extra hours in order to stay away from home. His latest girlfriend is a beautiful, kind, sweet woman. He adores her, but is afraid of what Marie might do. She has threatened to destroy his life if he ever leaves her. Her threats are real.
While we do not condone his cheating, the family has witnessed his painful marriage. What can we do? — Brother to Brother 

 Shovels are cheap.
Just sayin'.

I am madly in love with my ex-fiancee. We have been separated since March but have been talking about getting back together and starting a family.
The problem is, while we were separated, I slept with another woman. It happened at a weak point in my life, and I don't plan to do it again. Now the other woman says she is pregnant. I have asked for proof, but she hasn't provided any. We did use a condom, but it broke.
Should I tell my almost-fiancee or wait until I have physical proof?

THEN THERE'S THIS DUMB QUIFF.
 I GOTTA GET BACK IN GOOD WITH MY ONE HARPY WHITE WAHM BUT ANOTHER IS HOLDING ME EMOTIONALLY HOSTAGE WHAT DO I DO?
Here's what you do: kill yourself you dense motherfucker.
Have you considered she's your ex because of your shitty behavior?
Like I'm sure she just broke up with you for no reason.
"Should I renew my relationship on a lie?" is the question you're asking.
If you seriously need an answer to this then I'm dead fucking serious about my previous advice.

Dear Annie: I have been married for more than 20 years and have never been sexually attracted to my husband. He is a good provider, but there is no passion, no excitement, nothing. I have tried everything I can think of to make sex better, but he acts as if it's part of my wifely duties, which makes me sick.
I don't want to break up our home, but I'm in love with a passionate man who just rocks my world. He kisses me, and I forget my name. Our affair has lasted four years. Why can't I keep them both? — Torn in Tulsa

So let me see if I've assessed this situation correctly.
This dumb motherfucker has been married to you for 20 fucking years and is "a good provider" and because he views sex as part of your wifely duties (I'm envisioning a housewife here) it disgusts you so you promptly start fucking another dude.
White women, man.
What the fuck was he supposed to do?
I'm guessing there was no right answer for that jim-jom and he was just supposed to keep your spoiled ass while you were off fucking the pool boy.

Dear Torn: It seems you've been doing exactly that for four years, but obviously, it's not enough. Please stop living a dual life and figure out what you want. If there are young children, you owe it to them to work on your marriage. Get into joint counseling so your husband can work on his Neanderthal attitude toward women and so you can see whether passion can be ignited. If you believe sex is the most important aspect of a marriage, divorce your husband so you can be with Rocks Your World. But having it both ways isn't working, and you'll feel better when you deal with this more honestly.

Yes and he's the one with the problem.
He probably is wrong too but I hardly see cheating as excusable.
Don't make excuses for her shitty behavior, Annie. I thought you were an advice guru.
AM I THE LAST MAN ALIVE WHO KNOWS WHAT HONOR IS?

Dear Annie: I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was 12. I am now 35 and expect to see him at an upcoming family reunion. 

 Jesus Christ all mighty this got heavy quick.

After all these years, I finally wrote him a letter. He will never read it. When he dies, I want to place it in his casket. I hope you will let me share my thoughts:

Why wait until he's dead?
Not a lot of good the letter does at that point.

Dear Uncle: I have a few things that I've waited a long time to tell you. Now that you are dead, I am finally happy. I am happy you are burning in hell. God has given me justice. While others are mourning your death, I am celebrating. I will never forgive you for what you did. You stole my childhood from the moment you laid hands on me when I was a 12-year-old child.

Pffft please you can do better than this.
Surely after being molested you can muster up a better sense of vengeance than this.

Dear Annie: I've been a public librarian for 15 years.
Despite signs that clearly state, "No Cell Phones," patrons largely ignore them.

Welcome to the modern age, asshole.
You can fight that battle.
It won't work but you can.
It's really up to you to decide what you're going to do about it but at the end of the day you will accomplish nothing.
I'm not saying give up now is the easiest and best solution but giving up now is the easiest and best solution.
Anyway fuck it's time for bed I got school in the morning and it's the last day before Thanksgiving and it's 12th graders.
THE SONG OF THE NOW.
From best vidya soundtrack in the last 5 years.