Thanks for fuck nothing

Jack had this to say in one of my recent entries:

Hahaha. If some random on the internet pisses you off that much, you need to take some midol and have a lie down.

Harrrr good work stealing one of my jokes, dipshit.
Then when I check to see if you have a blog I can make fun of I see your account is fucking empty.
So either I already made fun of it on Livejournal and you're the one who needs a Midol or you're a pussy who better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Also thank you, Jack.
Anyone reading this can say GREAT POST I LAUGHED A LOT but for me to piss you off so much you had to bitch at me about it?
Wow that's like a real accomplishment.
That took additional suffering on your part to tell me that.
So thanks. Bang up job.

So the dealer is upping the antidepressant and I see him again in two weeks.

Always a good start to a blog.

I hate the pain scale. Y'know the one. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad does it hurt?" It's relative bullshit.

I had a compound fracture in my left wrist. Chipped off a piece of my radius. I looked down at my wrist, saw that it was dislocated, and tried to push it back into place. I stopped when I felt it grinding against something. I then picked up my fifty-pound bike and walked a mile home. I passed out about halfway. Dunno how long but after I came to I picked up the bike and walked the rest of the way home. I have a plate in that wrist now. You can feel it. Used to be able to feel the screws where the came out the other side of the bone but that's calcified over by now.

3edgy5me bro

So.

Here's where I open up and tell the entire internet what I haven't told anyone for two solid weeks.

I've been suicidal.

Not my normal "Gosh, wouldn't it be lovely if a meteor fell out of the sky and landed on me" suicidal, more like "I have a lot of shotgun shells. But I can't use the shotgun because I promised James I wouldn't. Damn it. The trigger pull for the Mosin is probably too hard for my toes and anyway I don't know where I put the ammo for that" suicidal.

Breach loader, yeah?
I mean not to encourage you or anything.

I seriously considered withdrawing from all my classes and checking into a psych ward today.

I'm not going to. That's running away and I am stronger than that. But the fact that I seriously considered it terrifies me.

SENSING A THEME YET?

Sometimes I wish mental illness was contagious. Not the lifelong debilitating form I've got, just that I could swap out with someone sane for twenty-four hours. They get to experience what it's like firsthand and I get to function. Win/win, right?

I'm a horrible person, aren't I?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
READING THIS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh here we go
no subject on this one.
Gotta agree I'm 18 or older--
let's see what this is about (as if I couldn't fucking guess)

So my management textbook has already pissed me off. Under a sidebar that reads "Most Acts of Workplace Bullying Are Men Attacking Women" there is a long rambling thing that does not mention sexual harassment once and ends with four steps to "cope with your bully."

Oh.
Actually I couldn't guess.

It has not been a good month. Somewhere around the beginning the Madness Season hit and hit hard. I faked it. Thought it was situational because there was (is) some stress in my life and the lives of the people around me and I wasn't handling it well so the mental shit must have been related to that, right?

Problem is, if I don't catch it early enough, and I did not, it doesn't matter if it's situational or not. My brain goes spiraling down the garden path and there's really jack shit I can do to stop it except fuck around with medication.

So we fucked around with the medication. We moved two up, then moved one down, then decided it wasn't working entirely and moved me over to something that has similar side effects of possibly coming down with SJS (YAY) with the added bonus of possible seizures. Haven't seized yet so I seem to be good so far. I have to take the new pill every 12 hours. May pick up a keychain pillbox because this is one of the larger pill bottles I've seen.

YEAH THERE IT IS.

I don't know why I'm bothering to post this because I'm damn sure no one reads this at this point but there's a small smidgeon of hope that's the depression talking so here ya go.

I've been oscillating since Saturday. Not yesterday, last week. Not a mixed episode, those are different. Flipping between the poles rapidly. It's fun.

Had a depressive episode on Friday. Reached out for help and it was gladly given and gladly received.

UUUUUUUUH.
So how about that stock market, huh?
Can you believe that shit?

Yesterday was bad. I thought I was doing okay and there was a party I felt obligated to go to so I gathered up whatever shreds of willpower I could find and willed myself as close to sanity as I could. I was still twitchy because I was manic yesterday but I was doing okay at the party until everyone and their fucking dog showed up. 

It's the government closing, you know.
Shaken the faith in the system once again and it has had ripples across the entire world.

All I want is someone to hold me when I feel like this. I want to feel their skin against mine, feel their breath in my ear as they lie to me that everything's going to be alright. Is that too much to ask?

New Pokemon tomorrow.
You guys pumped?
It's going to be off the fucking chain.

I feel like I'm the eye of a hurricane. There's all this drama, all this bad shit going on around me. It's affecting my friends. My friends. The people I care most about in this world.

I don't give a fuck if bad shit happens to me. Bad shit happens to me all the damn time and has my whole damn life. I deal. I get up. I move on. (Okay, I dwell but that's neither here nor there.) But you fuck with my friends?

I will hunt you down. I will kill you in the most excruciatingly horrible way I can think of and, believe you me, I can get pretty damn creative about that stuff. I will then desecrate your corpse.

Avatar choice: Sephiroth from FF7
Easy there, boyo, almost cut myself on all those fucking edges.
You know at first I was thinking "maybe this entry is finally one step too far" but then I read this and I feel better about my decision.
He's just being way too edgy.

But there's no one I can blame for this. No one I can hunt down and slaughter. And it's leaving me feeling weak and incompetent because there's also so very little I can do to help.

This is probably a learning experience but my learning experiences should not come at the cost of my friends.
 I just woke up from a dream that was extremely realistic. Hell, at one point during the dream I blogged about my experiences to help clarify my thoughts. Since I can remember so much of the dream it means it was Important and was trying to teach me something.

Here's what I took from it. I'm a racist and I don't know what to do to change this. I shut up and listen when POC speak and I try to ask questions when I need something clarified but I don't always expect an answer because, hey, I might be catching them on a bad day when they're fed up and they just don't have the energy to educate yet another annoying white man.

Stop calling them POCs.
They're fucking human like you you ignorant twat.
When will people realize this is what is ruining race relations?
THE BEAUTIFUL POCs
No asshole.
They're fuckfaces just like you and your kind. We're all shitty, miserable people.
Also pick one, asshole. Are you 3edgy5me threatening to kill people or are you a special snowflake who sees the noble plight of the POCs?
These are basically mutually exclusive categories.

I am getting real sick of using the transitioning tag.

I am on maintenance medication. Every couple weeks something runs out and I have to get it refilled.

I can tell when the pharmacy has someone new working. I am there that much.

Today, there was this new chick and she thought I was picking up my meds for someone else. On the one hand, ysy, passing! On the other, she technically didn't have to give them to me. I'm lucky that she did.

WWWWWhat
well let's go study the transitioning tag.

So last night I went to a Repo/Rocky double feature shadowcast. And I had a hell of a lot of fun.

But there was a problem. During the intermission I had to pee. So I go to the boy's room and there's this line of urinals and this stall and someone's in the stall and I don't know how to work a urinal and even if I do, what if someone notices I'm packing? I mean, I was at a double feature at the Lakewood so it's unlikely I'll get mugged but that fear is still there.

I know a lot of folks aren't going to get this. The fear, I mean. I'm going to be told I'm being irrational or some such shit. But if you think about it, bathrooms are public places that are truly private at the same time. Trans guys do get the shit kicked out of them for being there. Or worse.

GOT IT NOW.
So what starter are youuu guys picking?
I'm going with the frog.
OH SHIT ALMOST MIDNIGHT MUST POST AAAH
SONG OF THE NOW