Expect a short entry, incidentally, because this blog is specifically designed to keep me doing other things.
i'm depressed. i need to do something constructive. tomorrow i will do sit ups and push ups, and also put all the christmas lights up. wake up at 10 or maybe earlier. and tonight i will clean my room. getting my shit in order<3
But I'm not going to get this blog in order. Fuck words.
Okay, now we start into the real entries. I'm going to tell you when one paragraph starts and when I either skip to a new one or a new one begins because there is no logic behind anything she posts. Ideas just abruptly end and start and then she'll return to a previous idea with no thought given to cohesion or clarity.
i love school! i was so excited just to buy notebooks today. i wonder how long my organizational ways will last? haha i mean i have no intentions of becoming un-motivated or un-ambitious. i need to party this weekend.
See what I mean?
seriously. i haven't really done anything that didn't include sitting at someones house watching either the big lebowski or flight of the conchords or some discovery chanel thing, while everyone smokes, and then going home to either my house or justin's and sleeping. actually last weekend we went up to cal, but it wasn't even that fun, and i didn't drink or anything.
Things are only fun when I'm drunk.
God, what a slag.
and did i just we us as if i CAN'T do anything without justin?
What, did you suddenly suffer rapid onset brain damage and now you can't type thoughts that make sense? I'll admit it was clearly a struggle before but what's this mess?
but it's like everyone else as boyfriends too that they are obsessed with, and that wasn't a dig, but i wish i could just get a bunch of girls together and go out to a bar or something, or like go to oakland and just go to some parties. i'm doing that this weekend, friday night, no matter what. so anyone who reads this, any ideas?
Here's a fucking idea: kill yourself.
End of idea.
In fact, get all your slut girlfriends in on a murder/suicide pact.
Yes, this is the best idea I've had lately.
haha it's sad when you go to the extent of reaching out for fun on livejournal...and i don't have a phone because it's broken so that is an excuse i guess?
What is it with the illiterate and communication devices?
GEE, I CAN BARELY CREATE A COHERENT THOUGHT-- BETTER FORM AN OBSESSION OVER A DEVICE THAT REQUIRES ME TO COMMUNICATE!
wait why did " i need to party this weekend" follow "i have no intentions of becoming un-motivated or un-ambitious"???? really though i'm all in to school. and i loooooove my existentialism teacher, that's for sure my favorite class. journalism is such a joke. am i really going to be a journalist? am i contacting lj as if it were a magic eight ball? and did i just justify a magic eight ball? and could i contradict myself anymore? hahaaaaha balls
New paragraph, incidentally. Not that you'd be able to tell another way but I don't even know why I bothered. I think she'd make a great journalist.
I'm not joking, either. She's way more coherent than anyone writing for my local newspaper.
every girl is the exact same. all of us. every entry on my friends page is the exact same.
You read it here first. Girls are interchangeable.
"i'm really trying not to be crazy right now...he's given me no reason not to trust him...why does he make me feel this way...i think i'm going crazy...i'm a psycho...seriously i'm done...he is blah blah blah and it's the happiest i've ever been but he's also blah blah blah..."
I'm bookmarking this blog so if anyone ever asks why I say "don't get involved with white girls" I can just link them this.
And then when they say "but surely there are bad people in any given group" I can link them my blog. YOU SEEM TO RUN A VERY SERIOUS RISK OF DATING ONE OF THESE IF YOU DATE WHITE WOMEN IS ALL I'M SAYING.
why do we blame ourselves? why do we have such low self confidence? and why don't we realize it? my mom told me never to trust a woman, that even though men are dogs they will be more loyal to you in the end.
Don't entrust anyone with anything you wouldn't entrust to a toddler.
i think it's so true, because women are always looking for that person who will make us feel like nothing else matters like that drop everything fireworks love. girls really should look out for girls more, myself especially.
"drop everything fireworks love" is not a phrase I recognize as being spoken by a human.
That's like alien logic.
Are you possessed?
Here's a good tip for you, incidentally: focus on being less of a dumb slut.
anyways, i always make some crazy off the wall entry about justin, and he always makes me feel sooooo stupid for ever writing it, not that he reads it, but you get it. so i make them private then.
So you make it private.
Just like this entry OH WAIT.
Also I can't believe Justin has to make you feel stupid for reading this. You should skim back over it and go "God, I'm a dumb whore."
Oh that's right, if you had any sort of introspection you wouldn't be doing anything you do.
Answered my own question there, har har.
nothing can keep me and justin apart, and i truly trust and love him with all my heart. he is the only person who knows exactly what i'm thinking, even when i'm no where near him.
I'm sure reading your mind is difficult. It's like reading the mind of my dog.
Oh, by the way: "nothing can keep me and Justin apart" and they broke up less than three months later.
Nothing except, you know, that one thing that did.
In fact, let's back track to an entry I missed because it is (inexplicably) hiding under a cut because it's very illuminating to precisely how fucked this girl is.
sometimes i'm so laid back that it's scary, other times i'm so anxious that it's pathetic. and day by day i see myself slipping into bitter adulthood, as if i have no control? as if adulthood is bitter by nature...it's by choice?
Optimism precedes experience-- cynicism follows, as they say.
it's really ironic that this was my last post. i saw myself slipping into bitter adulthood, and now i'm here. everything is still the same, i still procrastinate, i still haven't finished college, and i still can't make a decision to save my life. i've always lived in the past, or the future, never in the present. i feel like the girl i was in 2008 is gone.
Surprise! I slipped into a time warp and moved back to 2008 briefly. This entry is back up to 2011. Still being a dumb slut three years later, I see. Glad to be here.
justin and i are broken up, but still see each other almost everyday, and the entries regarding him, the on and off, the trust and mistrust, that was our whole relationship. i guess it consumed me, and slowly over time, i became who i am now. i hate to say that it defined me, but it has. i have lost touch with that girl who i just read journal entries by. today i will reunite with her. and today i will begin to live in the present.
I like how she says she's so experience and cynical now but can't help but blame her problems on someone else.
The adult thing to do, if I may say so.
I just noticed how big these blocks of fucking text I'm copying are. I've commented on this before but it's really hard to break these thoughts down into smaller bits and still have it contain enough meaning.
If blogs were food my blog would be a delicious pizza and her blog would be some watery ejaculate between two pieces of cardboard.
Don't ask me to explain that simile, either. I didn't understand it as I was writing it.
i read him a few of the old entries about him just now, and he got sad and hung up. then he texted me this: i understand completely that you don't want me anymore but i would do anything to have that you back. and i said I WOULD DO ANNNYYYTHING to have that me back. he said, i think she's there you're just pushing her away. and of course i said, YOU pushed her away, don't ever say that to me....
IT'S YOUR FAULT SHE CAN'T GRADUATE COLLEGE, JUSTIN.
Not that she's an unfocused tramp with no self-discipline, no. You, Justin, you harsh slave driver turned her into this BROKEN SHELL OF A WOMAN.
he did push me away. he pushed me into this bitter adulthood, and i let him. reading those old entries makes me wish i'd listened to myself. don't get me wrong i've now learned a love that is deep and raw, and hurtful, and beyond words unbarable, but so necessary to my daily life, like breathing, truly.
Gag.
Let's talk about Warhammer instead.
How about those new Necrons, eh?
I'm not a huge fan, actually. I know they were always space robot skeletons but I feel injecting an Egyptian look is a bit too literal and kind of silly.
but it's just too bad that the same things i'd been saying in the beginning, that we shouldn't be together, and that we should get out now. that was the truth in a way. because our relationship was always strained, and never progressed past that point of feeling like despite how crazy in love we were with eachother that we shouldn't have been together.
I like the new Dark Eldar, though. I'm sure I commented on them before because they're not that new anymore but Dark Eldar were my first Warhammer purchase way back in the misty days of 3rd edition.
God those were some ugly models and not just because I couldn't paint.
not for a lack of love, definitely not, but the timing was wrong. i literally let the last three years change me to my core. i don't write anymore, not like i used to. i don't hope anymore, i don't dream like i used to. i don't trust like i used to. i don't admire like i used to. i don't know myself like i used to. and i care entirely too much about what people think about me now. and it's people that i, three years ago, wouldn't have given a fuck less about. people who can't even have a serious conversation,
Wow, complaining that someone can't have a serious conversation.
That's pretty funny coming from mrs. "I just want to get drunk lol".
Also you wish you could go back to those days? Christ, honey, you've grown up. It's time to get over the childish things and become a bitter adult.
You know, exactly like what's happening to you. Get over it already.
Ohhh sorry I wandered off for about 5 hours.
Anyway I think I'm going to go.
No comments:
Post a Comment