Of all the people to steal jokes from he's pretty much the last person I'd want to steal from because his jokes read less like jokes and more like ransom notes to a little girl's parents.
AND JUST TO PROVE I'M SERIOUS I'LL MAIL YOU HER SEVERED FINGER, NYAAA.
This blogger's answer to the writer's block is, without fail, "your mother."
Comedians generally preach the rule of three, so you'll find this joke funny three times before you should move on (assuming this was funny in the first place, which it wasn't) and generally you'll want to build up to it-- you know, there's a lot of thought that goes into comedy. Which is why you'll probably be unsurprised to hear that, a few exceptions notwithstanding, this blogger answers the writer's block always.
Funny!
I am still around. Still volunteering at the museum, still reading and writing. I'm taking a course this summer to renew my teaching license, and I'm still looking for a job. I've been playing Lego Harry Potter with Doug, and I've discovered Regretsy, and that combined with Cake Wrecks, and Lovely Listing helps me to avoid housework. Gosh, those sites are a little girly. I have to keep up my tomboy cred, I've also been playing Diablo II.
I can think of little more annoying than a girl who flaunts the fact she plays video games.
That'd be like me microwaving a TV dinner and saying LOOK I CAN COOK!
(because girls invariably pick casual games because they are not good at the vidya).
See that's a setup that works twice as hard because I imply women shouldn't leave the kitchen and attempt to describe the entire population in one go.
Pussy sensitivity has really aided my trolling art.
This weekend I read, nay, devoured two books from one of my long time favorite authors, Richard Castle: Heat Wave and Naked Heat. I may have mentioned before how much I adore Richard Castle. Maybe? I would marry this man.
Too bad he's fictional.
That is like the tenth time I've heard the turn of phrase "devoured a book" and it's always within the context of Livejournal.
That is a really douchebag turn of phrase and I wish you people would stop.
Anyway, for those of you living under a rock, Castle is a fictional author, the lead character on a tv show of the same name. The premise is that he follows NYPD detectives (specifically Detective Kate Beckett) around solving crimes with them, in order to do research for his novels. This is patently an excuse, as his mother pointed out, he wrote twenty six books before he met her, he doesn't have to keep following her around. The real reason he follows her around is because he's madly in love with her, and in three seasons, they keep stretching out the romantic tension, which has worked.
Wait, so let me see if I understand this correctly: there's a TV show starring a fictional author who writes books about some dumb shit but you can actually buy these books that are supposedly written by a fictional author?
That is meta as hell, man.
Also, TV shows where there's sexual tension between two of the main characters are a really bad idea. They are pretty much on a timer by definition. Once they fuck the show is ruined, if they get angry and start fucking other people the show is ruined-- the show is permanently in stasis, basically, and eventually that shit becomes insufferable anyway.
At any rate, someone decided to actually market these fictional books by a fictional author, and my husband got them for me on e-book, and I read them on my iPad. The best thing I can tell you is, if you aren't a fan of the show, you might not like them all that much.
If you are a fan of the show, you'll notice a lot of Castle's research actually wound up in the books, more so in Naked Heat once the tv show in jokes had been established: body found in fridge, jokes about Nikki surviving an explosion in a tub.
All that stuff is well and good, and you'd enjoy reading about it even without the tv show references, but the books also paint Richard Castle in a bad light. Frankly, they make him look like a hack writer.
If you've published 26 books and you're not 357 I have some bad news.
Unless you're Isaac Asimov and accidentally stumbled across a winning formula in the 40s and published 50 books no one bothered to read then yes, you're a hack.
For starters, we all know that Kate Becket is the inspiration for Nikki Heat. But, wait! Her plucky Irish friend Ryan and her street smart Latino friend Espinoza show up as Raley and Ochoa (Roach, if you're referring to both of them)! Captain Montgomery, the wise Negro/boss man is Captain Montrose! The sassy M.E. Lainey is now the sassy M.E. Lauren!
"Castle" even inserts himself under the name of "Jamison Rook" (Get it, Castle? Rook? Get it?). Instead of a famous novelist, Rook is a journalist following Heat around for pretty much the same reason Castle follows Beckett around. Only Rook and Heat sleep together. Which is frankly not likely, considering that the only differences between Rook and Castle are that Castle's bad habits (name dropping, wise cracks) are amplified and his good traits are not.
This show and these books sound fucking awful. I can't imagine creating a character called "Nikki Heat" and saying "yes, this'll be worthy of publishing."
I can't imagine seriously saying "ehhhh there's a black chief who is all angry and yelling like Samuel Jackson and there's a journalist following the hot cop around and then they fuck--" and saying "yes, my best work to date."
I couldn't put them down. You're mileage may vary.
You are mileage indeed.
Another Gorram Sinus Infection.
Frell me.
And apparently you've contracted a disease that causes you to curse like you're a Klingon from Star Trek or perhaps a Dark Elf from the Elder Scrolls series.
YOU S'WAH!
You know on TV, people are always being asked in job interviews what their biggest flaw is? I've never been asked that, but I have an answer. I've known for years that my biggest flaw is being completely, utterly, brutally honest.
I was recently hipped to the fact your answer should be that you work too hard.
Which is genius when you think about it.
When I was in sixth grade, my aunt got her hair cut, from shoulder length to pixie cut. She asked how it looked. I told her I didn't like it, and she looked like a twelve year old boy. My mom got mad at me, but I just said "What? You told me never to lie, that it's a sin." She couldn't very well say anything after that.
I heard there was this thing you can do where you're not lying but you're not telling the truth, either--
oh yeah, it's called having tact.
In seventh, I had a friend who wanted me to ask a boy out for her. So I did. "Hey. She likes you. Will you go out with her?" He said no, he had a girlfriend, so I went back to report.
"You weren't over there that long!" She was horrified that I'd just come out with it. "Well, I did what you asked..." She never asked again. No one did, come to think of it.
"If I have any flaws at all it's that I get too involved in my work."
You really seem like someone who would use all 1000 words on a job application.
I'm typing this on my iPad which I am enjoying, mostly. It's still easier to type on a pc, so I can read lj all I want as long as I have nothing to say.
You know what makes typing a lot easier than typing on a PC?
No tactile feedback. I want to feel like I'm typing with a piece of glass because I'm using a piece of glass to type.
Seriously I don't get iPads or why you'd want one.
Well, they finally managed to find some kids to tutor to justify having me here. The good news is that they couldn't pull them out of 6th or 7th period, so they pull them out of 5th. This means I no longer have to watch the kids eat lunch.
The bad news is that they didn't tell me these are special ed kids, and I mean extremely special ed. Right before I tutor them (to pass their 8th grade reading standards test), one of them comes from "Household Maintenance" so he can learn to be on his own when he graduates. I didn't even know it was legal for me to be tutoring them.
It isn't.
Unless you're supervised.
Which you probably are. I don't know, what is it you do, exactly? I got the implication you're a teacher but you don't actually teach anyone.
is official as of today: After June, I will no longer be a teacher at my old high school.
The superintendent came in a gave me a very apologetic meeting wherein he stated that there just wasn't enough budget for another teacher next year, and that I was one of five being cut.
Yeah that happened at my school too but then everyone quit so they ran into some vacancy problems.
5000 "your mother" responses in relation to writer's block later and I'm getting a little tired of scrolling.
I think I'm going to call it quits here.
I'M OUT LIKE SHOUT (oh God why did I reference Marky Mark)
No comments:
Post a Comment