I found a blog that presumed to teach me about the craft of creating a good character in fiction (of which I am the inestimable master) and, monstrous ego notwithstanding I found they had some decent enough points so I was curious as to what sort of fiction someone with almost some sense would generate.
Not to blow my wad too quick: it's Final Fantasy crossover fanfiction.
Also today's writer's block:
What do you so strongly believe in that you would march in the streets to support, and why?
I was having trouble coming up with an issue I cared enough about to overcome my hatred of outside and I couldn't come up with a single one.
Maybe if you had an "anti-humanity" rally I might endeavor to see that.
You may have heard about anti-vaccine rallies, where people who blame autism on public vaccination take to the streets to protest the vaccination schedule.
I consider these, put simply, bullshit.
I WOULD, however, take to the streets in a pro-vaccination parade, to show my support for medical science against the hordes of overemotional idiots seeking to destroy public health.
I knew a guy who was convinced they put mind control drugs in flu vaccines and then promptly got the flu every year.
Asshole. We would have looong rambling discussions about how evil the government is.
Guy was nuts, man.
That was a weird situation because I met him in a college class then met his fiancee in another class and had no idea they were engaged until I met both of them together and it was this weird "what the fuck" moment.
Short version: The world won't end if you don't put a romance in your stories, and if you can't do it right, you shouldn't do it to begin with.
Oh.
What the fuck?
Did I write this?
Few things are quite as painful as reading a "love story" that has all the passion and sensitivity of buying fish from a particularly untrustworthy salesman. We've all run into this before.
Presumably (my personal experience on the matter is limited), falling in love is a powerful experience. The rush of emotion, the uncertainty of acting on your attraction, the joy of success and pain of rejection - there's a reason poets talk about it so much and a reason "Love" is in the name of more Beatles songs than any other word, to the point Cirque du Soleil used it to title their show. And yet authors keep fumbling that ball.
Well what do you need to have an interesting romance?
Interesting people.
Know what most authors can't do?
Create interesting characters.
I'm not joking when I say creating interesting characters is your primary, secondary and tertiary concern because only about 5% of writing issues can't be solved by having interesting characters.
Fortunately the Greek model is as venerable as it is simple and effective: just take someone who is ordinarily completely badass and then give them a crippling tragic flaw that he can't overcome.
Resolution writes itself~
Perfunctory romances are the bane of both readers and video gamers.
Ironic you should mention "bane of video gamers" when you're writing crossover fanfiction between Final Fantasy X and XIII, both of which contain the most insufferable romance subplot (and main plot, somehow) imaginable.
Wow now he's (she's?) posting his (her?) music library.
It's as anime as you'd expect.
- Duran Duran, Greatest
- Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey OST
Hey wait this is my iPod.
Although of all the SMT games you pulled Strange Journey's original soundtrack out of your ass?
Serious?
Not Nocturne or any of the Persona games?
Whatever.
Maybe they're too mainstream, man.
Short version: It's fine for your main character to know information that the rest of the cast needs to learn, but please don't make them smug about it unless the situation calls for it.
Ok.
Never really had a situation where my main character knew something no one else did but then again my goal in writing isn't to make my main character a stand in for me who is perfect in every way and a glowing Christ child upon my fictional landscape.
Again a decent enough point but you could probably just extend it into "don't make your main character an insufferable twat."
Unless he's the villain.
Your goal is to get your audience to hate your main character by any means necessary, no matter how cheap.
I consider DBZ the prime example of this: how did Toriyama (author of DBZ shut up I'm a weeaboo faggot) get his audience to hate Nappa and Vegeta?
He had them blow a planet filled with innocent bug people up for no clear reason.
Sure it didn't make sense but it pretty much established them as power hungry assholes with almost no effort on his part and before the main character and main villain even met you're already rooting against Vegeta.
Even though I must say I appreciate his hatred for the alien.
We've all seen this one: Character A knows something Character B doesn't know. Character B needs this information at a key point in the plot. Character A dispenses it in a manner that reeks of "God, you would be so helpless without me". This may include references to eye-rolling, sighing, crossing of arms, rubbing of temples, or a thousand other little signs that Character A is irritated by having to tell this to Character B.
I can't say that I have, no.
Although there is a scene in The Odyssey where Odysseus emphatically tell s his crew not to open the giant bag that he's captured the winds in and then they do and he's rightfully angry at them.
Ever read anything by Keiran Halycon?
Can't say that I even know who that is.
Oh they write fanfiction.
What the fuck did you expect?
Holy shit this Final Fantasy crossover also includes the Powerpuff Girls.
Am I on drugs right now?
This is so shameful I can't even bring myself to read it.
Where fanfiction comes into this is with the "MY CHARACTERS ARE BETTER" angle. Let us consider "Operation: POWERPUFF" again.
In Mr. Corvello's story, there is a character named Lotus. She is the former teacher of Numbah 362, the head of the Kids Next Door in canon,
Oh my God people remember Kids Next Door let alone talk about canon or write fanfiction?
What the fuck, people?
Go outside you freaks.
So now I'm a bit confused. The writer of this blog was just bashing Operation: POWERPUFF and yet here it is posted. So apparently the writer is both bashing it and writing it?
Isn't that kind of skipping a step?
Oh well.
(The Emperor and Golbez are busily drinking, with the Man Called True nowhere in sight. The Emperor looks over his glass.)
Emperor: Ah… Our “friend” is currently out of commission, so until he gets back we’ll have to handle this. I’m not sure why, but he locked the doors and took the keys with him, so we don’t have much in the way of choice…
Golbez: This cannot be as bad as the last one.
Emperor: Mr. Harvey, I hasten to remind you he didn’t bring us back for two chapters. This can only end in tears. The longer we wait, the more it will hurt… Conjuring the story.
The Emperor appears to be breaking the fourth wall here.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'M SUPPOSED TO ALMOST LOSE TO HORUS.
Sorry this took so long people, but as you know, has been having technical problems.
Emperor: What “has been having technical problems”?
Laguna: (emerges from an Assist Portal) Fanfiction.net erases any mention of its own name, for some reason. (leaves)
So let me see if I understand this correctly: this is a Cartoon Network cartoon/Final Fantasy crossover fanfiction written as if it were a play (or a TV show I suppose) and this brilliant bit of work is used no less than three times in essays on examples of good fiction writing.
I am awestruck at the moment.
Incidentally the author's personal commentary is the part in bold so not only are we getting frequent asides from the nonplot in the form of stage direction but we're also getting frequent cuts so the author can comment on the technical problems inherent in this fanfiction.
I'm having difficulty imagining technical problems with a fanfiction but I guess your keyboard could break or something.
Just imagine during a TV show if the director stopped everything to walk in front of the camera to tell you what a bitch the lights were to set up.
I don't think TV would be quite the medium it is today had that happened.
Emperor: …ah.
Before I get started… I do not own rights to the song that appears in this chapter.
Golbez: Oh, dear…
Emperor: Translation: “I have no ability to fill all the space I want to fill, so I’ll steal someone else’s work!”
(The chapter is “Spaced Invaders”)
At the Moonbase prison complex, Father walked down a hallway.
Wow there's a song in text form.
Wooooooooooow.
Wooooooooooooooooooooow.
The next chapter of Op. PP is taking longer than expected. It's a longer chapter than normal, and frankly, I'm starting to burn out.
STARTING TO BURN OUT FROM THIS MASTERPIECE? I CAN SEE IT CLEARLY TOOK A TON OF CREATIVE EFFORT TO GENERATE.
Ohhhh I see what's happening.
So the author of this blog is commenting on the author of a fanfiction's writing and I'm commenting on the blogger's comments on the fanfiction.
This is meta as hell, man.
This is Mystery Science Theater inside Mystery Science Theater.
Of course while you can clearly tell my voice from the idiots I review I'm having some trouble with this.
In fact my frequent fuck ups block quoting still doesn't detract completely from who is speaking.
Oh and here there's even an explanation of what the fuck is happening.
Maybe.
I dunno let's see:
Brian Corvello and I were friends... once.
I should explain who the man is first. Brian Corvello ("Cyber Commander" on Fanfiction.net) is a New York resident who writes fanfiction. He specializes in Yu-Gi-Oh, but has also written a Powerpuff Girls/Codename: Kids Next Door crossover and a story based on The Life and Times of Juniper Lee. He's in his late thirties, but I'm seriously not sure if he watches non-children's programming.
So-- yes.
That is exactly what's happening here. I found an unfunny clone of myself who reviews fanfiction.
I guess the confusing part is this-- whatever appears to add dialogue to the already shitty fanfiction and the only way I can tell is the bold part is the blogger's-- man I'm confusing myself.
Time to take a step back and figure out what the fuck is happening.
Nope.
Welp.
Oh I never even posted this:
Up next: Thaumaturge.Anyway this has been a very confusing entry so I think I need to sit here and not think for a solid 15 minutes.
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