Oh Shit

Right, this. Completely forgot about this until just now. But that's okay, I'll be sure to wind the post time back until it was Monday so I didn't officially miss a day. Anyway here we have some shit.Sorry wait, no: that's a link to Livejournal. I meant this shit specifically.

You know. I really should be banned from my own mind sometimes. And sometimes like today.

Oh look. It's this shit again.

I am so brutally honest with myself, I'm sure there are people who would say I am doubting myself, or wallowing in self-pity or even just being too hard on myself.

Hard on.

I've had a friendship for a number of years. It's been flirty, it's been easy, it's been fun.... and it's been very one sided.

I really care about whatever the fuck it is I'm reading.

Today I realized I'm the greatest friend ever in some ways.

Today I realized I'm the most modest person ever.

I know, for most of my friends I'm just the go to girl...

You know it's a shame all bloggers' egos don't let them form groups because there are a lot of kindred spirits literally a click away. How many fucking times have I read this in my lifetime?
However many times it's two too many.

this whole journal is filled with the angst and anger and bitterness that they bring to my life and the fact that I never come away feeling loved I always come away feeling like a miserable failure where they are concerned, not so much with this other friend.

Oh boy the second time in two updates I wish I had read something before I started writing.

Okay. So, the sense of deja vu is too strong, and the feeling of anger is intense and the WTF factor is astronomical. So what? Fuck that, that's what.

Holy shit, what?

I can't talk to my girlfriend... why?

Oh, for the record: I'm pretty sure this is a woman updating. Just in case there's some confusion at the gender here.

I think I've become confused again.

I feel like reverting to Mr. Miyagi advice but I'm not even sure if his wisdom was deep enough to fix this mess.

Or maybe I just wanted someone for a minute who wanted me. It's so unusual to find someone,

IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE
IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO HAVE FUN WITH ANYONE
Holy shit I think this blog just turned me gay. Tom Jones lyrics right here on Edie Finds a Corpse.

whom you can see it on their face, hear it in their voice, and know in your heart and soul mean it when they tell you, you are beautiful, sexy, smart, and irresistible.

Try a little harder
Something's wrong, you're not naive you must be stronger
ooooh baby, try
hey girl
move a little closer
you're too shy too shy, hush hush eye to eye

I don't know what brought that on but it's a pleasant chance of pace from "WAAAAH ME".
Strange, flirty, online sexy with a single person, mouthy, evil plotting, teasingly angry, and dominant?

Online sexy. I cannot think of a more pathetic choice of words than that.

I am just stupid. Okay, off to bed for me so I can get up and have coffee with one of my girls

You have kids?
No, no.
Nope, not buying it.
She must mean it like "one of my GRRRRRRRLS."

So. Not only do I have a spanking partner.... I have a girlfriend.

What.

she wants to be broken and made to cry so she can get it all out, she's sooooOOOOOOOoooo completely opposite of me... it's weird :-)

it's not that i'm not real.... I am.

What. Oh, I get it. This entire blog is the product of some sort of weird random number generator and a list of words. That makes a lot of sense, actually.

You can't be this screwed up in the noggin and not be real.

I gotta piss, excuse me for a minute.

Why am I this screwed up? I keep asking myself how I am managing to make myself worse instead of better. And I don't know.

I also got a snack.

I guess it would help, if I managed to just be at peace with who I am. What I am, and how others see me. I think that's the hard part.

Oh Christ is she still on about this?
What proceeds is quite literally a list of character traits and I'm sorry I seem to be having a lot of trouble with this because my eyes involuntarily cross and I forget to breathe every time I look at it.

I've discovered I'm unhinged, irrational, unstable, and wholly more emotional about things right now.

And other words Webster's Thesaurus tells me.

Even when I realize I'm being a hypocrite, foolish, and stupid, I still manage to understand I'm being all of those things, while still being hurt and jealous.

:3

Ok. I know that I've been weird, hard, harsh, mean, cold and foolish before..... but when have I ever been forgiving?

NO MERCY FOR THE MISGUIDED seriously this blog is 90% lists of character traits.

I'm so done. Done with public posting.

You are a filthy, filthy liar and I hate you for it. If that were true you fucking stupid cow I wouldn't have to read any more of your inane thoughts or list of adjectives that do/you wish did apply to you after October 31st, 1999.
Yeah and I see you're listening to Duran Duran currently well know what? Fuck you. Doesn't cut it. Had this been entry number one I would have been willing to back out now but no, we're in too deep now.

Fuck it. It's all just bullshit anyways right?

Oh my fucking Christ I wish I could hate you to death.
I know it's been all fun and games before with "lol kill yourself" and "I hope you get trapped in a burning elevator" but I mean it this time. I hope you press that button to go down from the 17th floor in an 18 story office building only to walk into an open shaft.
Fuck you.

I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm .... I'm being horribly selfish in the fact that I don't want to do this anymore.

Nope fuck it I'm done.