Ah Jesus Christ

I'm sure I've mentioned my respect for the Greek pantheon of gods and goddesses. Though I'm not a religious person by any means, that's probably the closest I come to being religious.
My respect for pantheistic gods (gods that rule over some aspect of life or nature) doesn't stop at Greek gods, though. Generally I find the idea more interesting than some omnipotent singular entity that sees everything you do and knows everything you think.
While I was sure, before starting this project, that I was the only (or one of the few) that thought this way I've since learned that I am in a rather large minority. And, like anime fans, this minority is fucking annoying.
So she took this test and pasted it in wrong (hint: LiveJournal doesn't support HTML. Try PHP) declaring that she was like the goddess Isis. I'm not sure that's something I'd be parading around proudly because, as Wikipedia can well attest, Isis was fucking nuts.
Then she mentions her muses, which I'm sure I've yelled at people about before.

Also, have three days to write a pantoum and a prose poem. And all my muses want to do is play with my fanfiction. Why only when I don't have time?!

The muse of fanfiction, huh? That has to be the most useless muse of all time. That's the muse all the other muses make fun of for having no talent and generally being an antisocial douche.
I've been a litfag all my life practically, and I have no idea what a pantoum is.

Just got back from my midterm -- you know, that test that I've been studying my butt off for the past week for? Yep. Save for the take-home essay, the majority of the test was passage identification, which can be very difficult if you're good with concepts, but not so much specific wording, like...oh, say, me.

That sounds like the excuse of someone who didn't study, thought she could rely on her natural talent, only to be rudely reminded midway through the test that oh, that's right, I don't have any natural talent.
If I can identify passages of poems I haven't read, you can identify passages you have read. I find your excuses weak and deeply unconvincing.

I think I got most of them. But there was one... It just sounded so much like Wordsworth, and I'd read "Lines above Tinturn Abby" so many times.... But I still wasn't sure about it, so I looked it up when I got home.

I rag on poetry a lot, but Wordsworth has a fairly distinctive tone. I can't imagine confusing him with anyone else.
To make a long story short, here's what you should never do on a test:

So I wrote approximately half a page explaining and discussing the wrong thing entirely.

Ho ho ho big mistake.

And didn't you know that freaking out makes things okay? It's not freaking out that guarantees disaster. (or was it the other way around? /tongue in cheek)

Feh.

*hates the government and all its red tape and is about to cross over to the anarchists camp just for the stress relief*

I think the asterisks are to denote an action and not a mode of thinking, but in the grown up world we just start sentences with "I" instead of all this emotive nonsense.

In other news of a lovely nature: I CAN HAS WRITE POETRY!!!

Holy shit I'm raging like motherfucking Fist of the North Star right now goddamn.

I can't believe it, but I actually managed to write a poem. Hereness, take a gander if you care, skip over it if you don't.

Fuck yes you are the worst blog ever.
Here it is:

Haunt


A childish game, lost within betrayal:
To what do I owe this charming visit?


A severed trust, a secret too long held
in silence. Allow me: to look, to stroke.


I'll slice them off, those awful fingers that
did dare to snatch this, my sweetness, my joy.
That which was none but my own to treasure.


Yet why? What reason spurs, what purpose thrills
to greedy hands? To clammy palms against
uneasy skin, confused and trembling thoughts?


Unwanted comes, and I am damaged, spoiled
beyond repair. A scar, unknown, unseen;
a scream, to fling my tears against the wall
unmoved. Forever burdened, this endure.


And what is strength, if not continuing
on? What is hope, if not to conquer pain?
Laughter survives. Innocence heals. That thing


the nightmare I can never forget.

So that was horrible.

O.o Iambic Pentameter? Whuts that? o.O Enjambment? Never heard of it.

No I guess you haven't. You do have some aborted attempts at enjambment after reading over it again, but your lines are not arranged in iambic pentameter. Your best bet would be to say it's Dactyllic Hexameter if you translate it into the original Greek, but I doubt anyone would fall for it.
Iambic pentameter, for those of you who are ignorant to the favored mode of poetry for hacks one and all, is a line of five syllables (pentameter) arranged in iambs, which is a form of feet consisting of a stressed and an unstressed syllable. Her poem fails in both regards. Most of her lines contain more than five feet, and most aren't stressed followed by unstressed.
Enjambment, to use her poem as an example, is this:

Yet why? What reason spurs, what purpose thrills
to greedy hands?

See how the actual sentence spills over into the next line? Usually it's done to connect two sentences closely or to keep with a certain rhythm, but since her poem has neither coherence nor rhythm it's probably easier just to call her a hack and move on.

Stats for British Literature:

Must be to the end of Volume II of Frankenstein by six tonight.

Currently: halfway through Volume I

*blinks* What? I had other reading, too!

Lunch is done, back to work. Toodles, darlings!

*skips off*

That's like fifty pages. Good work doing your homework, you.
Oh, oh shit. Gross. My eyes almost rolled out of my head when I saw this.
Her current mood:

Disturbingly good

Well at least you have the disturbing part right.

* They had a grand total of ( I swear to you, I counted as I packed every one) six boxes of nothing but hangers. So I wrote cute-clever little one-liners on the boxes expressing my amazement at having so pack to many, only to realize far too late that I'd spelled them all "hangars".

*facepalm*

News at eleven: English major commits suicide over word misspelled in red ink.

Oh, if only. Maybe you're sharper with the one liners than I am, but the only "cute" one liner that I could come up with is "abortion factory".

And then, of course, when I finally found my classroom (in between the eight and ten of rooms starting with thirty-three when all the rooms on the second floor are supposed to start with twenty-two. SRSLY--huh?!), my professor was right in the middle of going over the lateness policy part of her syllabus. Fantastic. *facepalm* And then we played an introduction game where we had to introduce ourselves with a metaphor and then repeat them as we went around the room.

SRSLY guys, SRSLY.

I get the feeling everyone had the whole pointy porcupine thing in their minds rather than the pen, like I did. Oh well.

... I have no clue what that means.
Next I'm going to analyze these two sentences, and let's see if we can find the break with reality:

And I'm relieved that everyone in Poetry seems to have such fun, down-to-earth attitudes.

Her class is down to earth, all right.

(Seriously, one of the guys used the metaphor SPARTA! for himself, and another used a ficus. One of the girls used My Little Pony. I'm not kidding. It was fun. I hope it stays that way. *hopeshopes*)

There it was. Down to earth, comparing yourself to a ficus or Sparta (I'd love to hear that metaphor. I'm like Sparta because I, too, have sex with young boys).

Oh, and then I volunteered to work for someone else tonight. On my day off. On the first day of classes. This is why I will probably never procreate.

Thank you evolution.

We saw Journey to the Center of the Earth (Brendan Frasier is always entertaining)

If you had asked me earlier today what I believed I'd never hear articulated into a thought, this would be near the top of my list.

OMG *squeesheartssparklystars* !!!!!

That's it. Entry fucking over.

Welp

This could very well be my last update ever as far as I'm concerned, because I found it: the shittiest blog. Every lesson I have tried to instill into ye unwashed masses can be found here, and still more I hadn't thought of besides.
Do not click here, it invites madness.
So immediately every entry is titled "lastnight (sic) and today". Why? Who knows. Who cares.
Here's the first entry:

lastnight and today so lastnite [thrusday] after i updated i was bored for a bit, and i just chilled here for awhile, just talkin to some people, and then i eventually let the dog out and fed the animals and then i was bored for awhile, talked to my mom wen she came home, then she bought pizza but i wasnt hungry, so i just chilled online, eventually took a shower, fucked around on melo, talked to kristy for a bit, try to call pete of course nothing happened, and i called him quite a few times, nothing, then i didnt feel good at all, actually i felt dying idk wtf was happenig and then i talked to trip for awhile, then went downstairs and watch that 70 show, try to eat pizza, didnt work at all, and then i watched rush, and then 2 hrs of dawson creek, then wen i was about to fall asleep, my mom woke up and was being loud, then finally after she stopped talkin i passedout, and then today [friday] i slept and slept and slept, cause i never sleep anymore, and then when i do sleep thats all i wanna do im horribly depressed this sucks, apparently i miss kristy's call, which sucks cause she was suppsoe come over today, and then i talked to chris and i said ill call bak when im awake, and then i got up around 3ish, did some things around the house, went online, talked to chris so apparently around 5ish hes gonna come over, and we gonna go to dp, and im gonna SPEAK TO PETE and get this over with, cause this bullshit really needs to fuckin stop i cant take it anymore, but other then that idk what im doin so if u wanna chill or somethin i guesss hit me up but im out for now peacee

Oh. My. God. That is one sentence. This is the ultimate "who cares?" entry. Jesus fucking Mary.
But guess what?

so lastnite [wednesday] after i updated i was bored for a bit, didnt feel so well, well lastnite i was pretty WASTED lolz. and then i hit up tanya and she said she wasnt sure whats goin on she gonna hit me bak up, so i was still tired and stuff and i decided im gonna go lay down so i get off the comp, and laydown which lead me sleep for a couple hrs, woke up around 8ish, went online, found out that tanya's van wasnt workin and her mom was outta state so we had no way there, so iw ent downstairs ate some food and then kurt called demanding i get my ass there, and jamie really wanted me there too, so he asked if he picked us up if tanya will go and i said hold on so i hit up tanya and she said yeah so i called him bak, finish eating dinner, and got readi, he got there mad fast like around 9ish, and then we went and picked up tanya and then we drove to the place, and then we got there and chilled there was mad people, but it was a sweet place cause there was outside thingy with a fire and shit like that, so i had a couple beers, some blue moon, man blue moon with lemon in it, is quite delcious i liked it a lot and then had some octoberfest which was rather good too haha me and tanya drink highclass beers son, and then we got offer free shots which was cool, and then eventually jamie played but of course she was the last one, then we just chilled and then after she played we chilled for a wheile, needed a cig so got one from lil jon and i also got hit from the bowl which was cool, and eventually we left, i got home around 1 somethin, went online real fast, attempt to call pete, to see perhaps he'l speak to me but he didnt answer, and then of course he turn his phone off, so i guess hes mad at me or somethin, idk anymore, i was too outta my head to worry paranoid like i usual do so then i eventually passedout, then today [thrusday] slept slept slept you get the picture, all i want to do is sleep, nothing else, and then finally i woke up around 2 something, try pete, it was off, try later it was on, but he didnt answer =/ so then i talked to chris for a bit, and now im bored online drinkin coffee, no idea whats goin on tonite i have nothing planned for once so if u wanna chill hit me up but im for now later ppl

THE ENTIRE BLOG IS WRITTEN LIKE THIS. Also all her entries start with "so lastnite (sic) [day of the week] i was bored" then no period. Every. Single. One. You could just exclude that thought all together after the first, oh, four entries because after that it's implied, isn't it?
Also every single would-be sentence is so generic. So I did this, then this happened, then this happened, then I did this, then... Goddamn liven up your thoughts once and a while you illiterate.
I would say this is the work of a four year old, but apparently not because she(?)'s getting drunk and carrying on like a regular grown up idiot.
Also no one ever calls. It's always "hit up" which is now going on my shit list of "terms I never want to hear".
It's a skill I was taught in fourth grade. Telling a story via its relevant and most important points and culling the irrelevant information. I seem to recall a rather grand project about making a haunted house out of shoe boxes, then we had to tell a story using only the vital information from each shoe box section.

so lastnite [monday] after i updated i was bored for a bit, just chilled online, nothing special, talked to a couple of ppl, fed the animals, talked to tina who i havent talked to in forever, i was suppose chill with her later but it didnt happened, then i did some cleaning and then i went online was bored a bit more then my mom came home and i talked to her for a bit, then my damn cat somehow got into my room and ate my cigs,

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Also there seems to be a problem with past tense. "didnt happened" sounds like a three year old babbling.
In fact, that's exactly how this reads.
Also "so I was bored" occurs with such regularity I might as well call it a conjunction as it bridges one part of a sentence to another. Apparently even a half a minute of "not doing anything" is boredom to her. I remember whan I was three I got bored easily too.

so i just watched dane cook

Somehow I'm not surprised you'd be a Dane Cook fan. Also "back" has a c in it. Just thought I'd tell you.

food from panda express i never ate there before i had some chicken kong fu shit, idk it was mad good actually but really spicey but it sucked cause it kinda made me sic afterwards.

"sic" is how I'd describe this entire blog.

oh well and then we walked around for a bit and then saw some ppl i knew and then eventually we left and went into the verizon store cause ryan wanted to look at phone's and i saw the cute pink blackberry phone i want too bad i dont have money aha and then we left and i came home around 7ish,

That's kind of funny, isn't it? Someone who can't speak wants a communication device?
Ready for the biggest horror story about this wide-awake nightmare?
She has updated nearly every single day since 2002.
THAT'S SIX YEARS OF ENTRIES.
Assuming she did update every day (some days have none but others have four, so it probably evens out) that's 2190 entries.
TWO THOUSAND ENTRIES.
I was wondering what sort of creature would write this, and thankfully she posted pictures of herself. I figured she'd have too much makeup on because why not.
Soulless eyes peer past a broken nose and-- that's all I have.
She also dresses like I imagined. You know, like an idiot.
So I guess that's it. I'd comment further, but if it came between having to read another entry or the thumb screws, I'd have a decision to make.
There's no advice for this. What can I say? "Write like an adult with some tact and thought"? "Stop being such a boring twat"? That'd never happen because that would involve thought and skill. Only advice I can give is "never write again."
Yeah, that'd be my advice to her. "Piss off."
OH WAS HE JOKING ABOUT NEVER UPDATING AGAIN?

Tougher Than the Rest

I'd like to say I plan these in advance, but... I don't.
Indeed, today's I acquired by going to DeadJournal (a likely place to find a target) and clicked "random grave" until I found a good one.
Ladies and gentlemen, for your discriminating tastes I present you: http://datadrain.deadjournal.com/
Where to start? This blog reads more or less like an itemized list of what's wrong with blogs. First, a grammar lesson. The ellipsis, a punctuation mark that denotes a pause, is achieved by three, and precisely three, periods in a row. Here, I shall demonstrate: "..."
That's how it's done.
Here is a sample from today's reading:

I'm so worried about Day, i've called her a million times..okay over exaggeration but she never calls back.
Honestly..
I want her to move up with Bri and I.
sure we enjoy our privacy.
but I would feel so much better...i mean
she's like my sister, my soul twin, box buddy.
and i can't do SHIT for her from up here..

yeah that college thing.
damn school.

I'm so worried. If anything ever happend to her, i would litterly die. I would become like...a blob. A lifeless blob of comeplete...nothingness.
She's my siiiister. my other half.

So immediately I have no idea what she (she?) is talking about. Apparently girlfriend trouble or something. I guess I'm not the intended audience, but I know for a fact DeadJournal has settings that allow only friends to read it, so presumably this is intended for all audiences.
So skipping down to June 12th 2008, there's a poem:

I can stand with the weight of the world
On my shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face
Of all my insecurities
Anytime, anywhere, anything
I'm strong enough

Furthering my theory that all poems are paragraphs with random sentence breaks. I would love to meet the sad individuals who write this kind of poetry. What kind of lives have they lived? What are they so insecure about that they have to write poetry on the internet firmly avowing that they are "strong enough" to face their insecurities. Granted I don't know this person, but I can see her with my mind's eye. All that privileged middle class living really does heap the weight of the world on one's shoulders, doesn't it? I can infer, with my superior detective skills, that this person is middle class because someone who actually was crushed by the world wouldn't be talking like this.
No, this has the streak of a whiny, narcissistic girl running all up inside. Also, if I were to analyze this drawing, I would say this horse, standing on dried, parched desert ground that yields neither green nor water seeks to escape its own hellish torment. Its dead eyes move disinterestedly from one phantasmal wisp of heat to another, knowing full well that no matter how much energy it expends running towards it all it will yield is a never ending desert.
also colorful use of "drawed". What are you, six?
May 30 2008. Today's subject: sex.

So, when did sex become so casual?

I mean, I can't...or couldn't ever have sex with someone unless I loved, or at the very least deeply cared for the other person. I hear of all these people just doing it, because. Or for whatever reason...I don't know, maybe it's me- sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time, but when I have sex, I can only ever picture myself doing it out of love or something along the lines. I love Brian...

If I were to give her advice, I would say don't have sex. With anyone. Based off her command of the English language, she's ten years old.

Yeah, it's easy for me to say, but lets not forget about my several rendezvous with Damon.

So... She says don't do this then immediately admits to doing exactly what she advises everyone not to do? She didn't even set it up as "and I'm speaking from experience here, don't be a goddamn whore" it's a "oh and don't forget I'm being really hypocritical in saying this."
Oh ho, it doesn't stop there.

I really wanted a relationship out of that, and although we were never in one...It was just like one to me. NOT saying what I did was right, at least by my standard. But when I lost it, I really cared for the guy. I won't say love, because I don't use that term loosely. But I liked him a lot, and cared for him deeply. - I was also kind of against doing it, but did it for the reason of "maybe he'll want to be in a relationship with me if I..."

So, just so I can keep this straight, you were in love with this guy, but he used you for sex, and you naively believed it would turn magically into a relationship?
Look, I'm some guy sitting in my basement right now with Cheeto dust up to my elbows listening to Mexican Radio by Wall of Voodoo and even I know that's not how relationships work.

I just find it so incredibly sad that people, like my little sister is having casual sex with some guy named..."Vito".

Wait... Seriously? I wish I could make shit like that up, because if I could, I would have turned that into a career, somehow. Ho ho ho a guy named Vito? Really? Vito. I just can't get over that. Casual sex with Vito. I bet he has one of those 70s German porn star mustaches.
Not that I've seen 70s German porn.
Either that or Vito is a mob hitman. blows some guy's kneecaps off with a shotgun "EHH NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE WIZ."
Vito is awesome.

Now I really don't know if this is true or not, but i'm pretty positive it is.

Why would you lie about something like that?

Well, what the fuck?
Yeah it feels good, but your giving a part of yourself away...every time.

Bold added for emphasis. Honestly though, I heard that shit all the time in my 9th grade health class and I never understood the logic behind that. Aren't both parties gaining something? Isn't that why it's called copulation? Even if it is one of those things like "now I'm an undignified whore with a loose cunt that I use to hide my change purse" I should think that starts more with a state of mind and not the actual act itself.
In fact I dare wager there could be dignified prostitutes. I'm pretty sure Japan made a class of woman like that, in fact.
Might as well finish this entire post.

It just surprises me how people can just go and fuck someone and then move on the the next person, never even being in a relationship. - Lord knows i'm not prude, and i'm no 'wait till marriage' but geez, c'mon people. Respect yourselves.

While what she's saying is reasonable, it isn't very funny to admit that, so I guess this is where I say "and I guess everyone should have the same subjective idea of 'respect' that you share, is that it?" But really don't worry about what other people are doing. In fact, you should be glad people do act like animals because then you can look down on them with undeserved superiority, like I'm doing right now.
May 29, 2008:

God, I have the WORST urge to watch sailor moon right now.

I know the feeling. I used to watch that show as a kid because it was on between Ronin Warriors and Dragon Ball Z, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. But then they started showing Outlaw Star and Gundam 0083 and I knew TV couldn't get much more awesome.
It has all been downhill since.
May 28, 2008:

So, you know what I think would be cool?
If like Bri and I rebuilt antique tractors.

I-- What?
All right, review fucking over. In conclusion, to not write a blog like this:
CUT DOWN ON THE FUCKING ELLIPSIS. NOT EVERY THOUGHT HAS TO BE PUNCTUATED WITH MELODRAMATIC SILENCE.
WRITE COHERENTLY, GODDAMNIT. READ A GRAMMAR BOOK IF YOU HAVE TO, JESUS FUCK. AT THE VERY LEAST IT'LL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON
AND FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, BE MORE INTERESTING. NOT EVERY INANE THOUGHT YOU HAVE HAS TO BE RECORDED FOR ALL TIME.