IT'S WEDNESDAY

At least where I am. Get on my level. So the common blog is basically dead. Livejournal is unusable and Dreamwidth appears to be fully switching to fanfiction which I am not reading. That's fucking stupid bullshit that should stop too but that will have to be another generation's fight.
So let's settle into our twilight of mediocrity with Dear Abby.

DEAR ABBY: I am planning to attend a birthday party for my friend "Sophia" who is turning 50. When I mentioned to her that I would be shopping for her birthday gift, she asked that while I was shopping for her, that I also pick up a gift for her friend "Stacy."
I have met Stacy only a couple of times, and I think it was extremely nervy for Sophia to ask me to do it. The party is only for her, and I don't see the connection.
Sophia has done this in the past, and I'm trying to think of a way to tell her I'd rather not buy a gift for her friend. How should I handle this? -- NO LONGER A DOORMAT

"Don't tell me how to live my life, bitch."

DEAR ABBY: My friend's husband has been writing a novel for several years. He just self-published it, and it's available on Amazon. He gave me a copy, asked me to read it and enter a great review on the Amazon page. The problem is the book is filled with misused and misspelled words, and there is missing punctuation. He even switched the names of two characters. (His wife, who is a "perfectionist," was his editor.)
Aside from the fact that I don't want to finish the book, I know he or my friend will ask me how I liked it. I don't want to lie because I'm afraid if someone else brings these things to their attention, they'll know I didn't read it or think I should have told them.

Nope fuck that he's in the publishing world now if he can't handle a little criticism he should stop writing.

I know they will be embarrassed if I bring it to their attention.
Frankly, I think it's too late to say anything negative because the book has already been printed. I also don't want to cause hurt feelings because I know how long he worked on this project and he's proud of it. How do I handle this? -- READER IN THE SOUTHWEST

You rip into that shit like you're a cannibal taking a big bite right out of his heart.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Gene" for three years, living together for a year and a half.

"Gene"

Our biggest problem is, he doesn't keep a "normal" schedule. Gene eats at odd hours, exercises at the strangest times and will stay awake 'til the wee hours of the morning, then crash for a day or so. He seems unfazed by this wackiness. He's responsible, holds a good job and comes from a terrific family, but his habits are taking a toll on me.

That's because he's Gene Starwind, captain of the Outlaw Star. He has to outrun Taoists looking for the Galactic Ley Line. Cut the man some slack.

DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a dispute for me? When you go up to a house with two doors -- a regular door and a screen door -- and there is no doorbell, is it proper to open the first door and knock on the second door or is it considered rude? 

... What, are you fucking retarded?
No, knock on the screen door until the glass breaks, idiot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers.
I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work.

Damn look at this thug.
Get used to having your nuts in a sling because I see who is already running your fucking life.

What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then. 

Remind that bitch you have another daughter that you need to pay attention to.
I can't believe how fucking stupid you are, though. You have fucked up on such an ineffable level that I'm pretty sure there's no advice that can be given to you that you'll take.
Like this really is the adviser's dilemma, and I've been in this situation before, where your dumbass did something so fucking wrong the fact you did this in the first place pretty much proves you won't listen to common sense on how to fix it.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Beth" has a boyfriend, "Danny." They have a 6-month-old baby girl. Neither one has a driver's license, and they both have low-paying part-time jobs.
Beth expects us to baby-sit, take her to the doctor, etc. Mom is now starting to refuse to do more than baby-sit on Sunday, because she says Beth needs to get her license and look for a better job, and it won't happen until she's "pushed to the wall." Only then will she realize she has to.
I agree, but I feel Beth and Danny should pursue their dreams. It takes money to get a license, and where we live there is no public transportation. What's your take on this tug-of-war? -- BIG BROTHER IN CALIFORNIA

Pursue their dreams?
What the fuck is the matter with you?
That shit takes work and perseverance and shit. Also usually you start that path before you inject a child into the mix.
Once you have a kid it's time to stop being selfish cunt hipsters and get your fucking license.
And fuck you for enabling this weakness.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriends are always trying to get me drunk. I don't need alcohol to have a good time, and in fact, I rarely drink. They say I'm "no fun," which is probably true. But that's just who I am.

Well there you go. By your own admission you're not fun so to enhance the situation you need alcohol infused.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I share a credit card that was opened under my name. I use it for gas and household or family needs. She uses it for personal things such as buying dolls for her collection.
I was informed that I will no longer be able to use the card after the last statement we got. (I had spent more than $100 on gas for the month.) I feel I am using the card for the purpose for which it was intended. Buying things that aren't for the family but for her personal enjoyment wasn't our agreement.

It's your credit card, idiot. Cut her the fuck off.
What is it with people today?

I'm not sure how to approach her about this without it becoming an argument. She has a spending problem.
I recently found a job, so I contribute financially to the household. This is something that has been thrown in my face every time we talk about money. I want to see the statement so I can compare who spent how much on what, but when I ask to see it, she gets defensive. -- IN THE DARK IN MICHIGAN

"I recently found a job, so I contribute..." to me, seems to imply that previously you didn't have a job and weren't contributing financially.
This raises a couple of questions:
1. when I had a job, why was I denied a credit card with no credit (good or bad) and this retard with no job gets a credit card no problem? Fucking typical.
2.  bro what the shit are you doing with your life? You engaged this bitch with no job? So naturally she got a job first and let it go right to her head. Now the foundation of your relationship is set around this bitch having a job and you needing to submit to her insanity because you're now engaged to a permanently power tripping bitch.
Priorities, dick.

DEAR IN THE DARK: If the credit card is in your name, then you are responsible for anything that is purchased with it. The statements are addressed to you, and you have a right to see them. That your fiancee is refusing to show them to you is a sure sign that she has something to hide.

I'd tell you the ultimate secret to picking up bitches that aren't shit but it'd probably just confuse your dumbass so I'll spare you the details.
Suffice it to say if there's a good way to get women and a bad way to get women you just shit all over the salad bar at Pizza Hut.

That's why you must take the card away from her to ensure that she isn't putting you into a financial hole you won't be able to dig yourself out of. And because the lady can't seem to control her spending, I'm urging you to think long and hard before marrying her, because after you do, you will be responsible for her debts.

Abby, listen.
I appreciate the advice you gave this guy.
You are absolutely right. He shouldn't marry her.
The fact he can't see this and needed to ask you proves he won't be able to see the wisdom in your words.

DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with my third child. 

Oh boy. Oh it turns out to be a non-issue that can be solved with even the slightest amount of critical thought--
sort of like most of these letters, really--
Fuck.
Anyway I'm all caught up now and I suddenly find myself with something better to do so goodbye everyone--
I've had this song stuck in my head a while.