OH BOY

ANOTHER WEDNESDAY
ANOTHER SHITTY BLOG
Where'd I find this one?
Where else?
I guess I'll start this with the new grand tradition of commenting on the shitty ONTD_Political article I found this tripe from.

Though Chick-fil-A has come under considerable fire for its documented support of anti-gay Christian organizations, officials for the fast food chain have remained mostly tight-lipped about the controversy -- until now.

In a new interview with the Baptist Press, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy -- the son of company founder S. Truett Cathy -- addresses what the publication describes as his franchise's "support of the traditional family."

Cathy's somewhat glib response: "Well, guilty as charged."

He went on to note, "We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit.

Guilty as charged of selling shitty chicken strips, maybe.
I wish the Bible said something about the proper amount of breading you should put on a chicken strip because way to gyp me out of the best part.
It's not like it doesn't go on and on about other dietary restrictions and other nonsensical shit like space being filled with water and bats being birds so why the fuck not illuminate your poor followers with the proper amount of breading on a chicken strip?
At least Zeus deigned to teach his idiot followers how do properly cook a hamburger (no joke).

 We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that...we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.

McDonald's is still #1 and they operate on Machiavelli's principles.
Also I don't entirely see the problem. He said he supported traditional marriage, not that he hated gay people.
If you support gay people you're a hero but if you say "yeah and a man and a woman marrying marrying and having boring sex for the purpose of procreation is all right too" suddenly you're an asshole crusader Nazi.
Maybe he is an asshole crusader Nazi but from what I've read he's just donating to the causes he thinks are important.
Maybe I'm too tolerant but the same thing that makes me tolerant of gay pride parades also makes me tolerant of this.

Five years ago, I had already failed the Florida Bar Exam once.  Having taken it for the second time, I was awaiting the results with no small amount of anxiety.

I didn't want to make any big life changes before knowing the outcome of that all-important test, but life got the jump on me in the form of three beautiful fluffy kittens.  I drove to Jacksonville and brought them home one day before the results were due.  The joke was that even if I had failed yet again, having my kitties waiting at home would keep me from offing myself.

And for four hours the following day, I did think the worst.  The online score report said I had failed.  My work mentor took me a consolation lunch at a local sports bar, but while there, the breaking news came in about the Virginia Tech shooting.  Nothing like a report of seventeen college kids dead (and rising) to give you a little perspective!

Leave it to a lawyer to try to find the positive part of seventeen people getting fucking murdered.
Also how selfish is that?
WELL THEY MAY HAVE GOTTEN MURDERED--
I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE THAT I DIDN'T PASS A TEST I CAN RETAKE.

Much hysteria and numerous phone calls and babbling and shrieking later (not just from me either - I wasn't the only who got my score that day) we determined there had been a glitch in the results.  I had passed.  I was a member of the Bar.  I had a law license.  I still had my job.  One of my colleagues referred to it as "emotional whiplash," and she wasn't wrong.

Hurray.
World saving woman here.
With her law degree.
Saving the world.
Doing the important work.

Between two particularly grueling years of practicing law (a small, understaffed, overloaded office) topped off with studying for and taking the Virginia Bar in February, I've been, shall we say, out of touch from most popular culture for quite a long stretch.  When I had a chance to read, I stuck to my dear old favorites, my easy books, my fanfic, for a relaxing sojourn away from the legal world.

Important work.
What a saint.

Mission:  See movie.  BUT FIRST... read those books!  I haven't been this titillated since Peter Jackson's glorious Fellowship began releasing tantalyzing TV spots in 2001 and led me to buy tickets to film and head for the bookstore to purchase... Harry Potter.

All right she may be a lawyer and a patron saint of sacrifice and patience but she doesn't know how to spell tantalize.
She's a lawyer, not God, after all.
Comes from Tantalus?
You know, the guy the gods punished for his hubris and being a sick fuck by banishing him to a cave for all eternity?
The cave has a pool of cool water and a tree with apples on it, but every time he reaches for an apple the branches move just out of reach and every time he goes to get a drink the water recedes out of his reach?
Probably one of my favorite myths in Greek mythology.
It's hard to pick, really.

After the Virginia Bar Exam, I am now reacquainting myself with the notion of "spare time" in the evenings by indulging in my more morbid interests - crime. 

...
Isn't that what being a lawyer is about?
Crime?
Hello?
So it began this morning at the stroke of midnight... when I went to bed after the night's Bar Exam studying (Virginia Corporations. Woo. Hoo.)
Corpos.
Let me tell you all you need to know about corporations:
they're all assholes. Just play them as hard as you can until you make the mad cash.
AKA the story of EVE Online.

No, no, I must not go down that mental road.  I psyched myself out in July 2006 - that's why I ended up having to retake the thing in February 2007.  I will not do that again.  Although I did freak a little when I first cracked the outline book on Wednesday, reminded again of just how damn much material needs to get studied.

Why is the law so complicated?
I think Judge Dredd had this shit pretty well in hand.
I AM
THE LAW
and then if someone disagrees with you you shoot him in the face with your grenade launching handgun.

The Bar-Taker User Manual

1. Your bar-taker is busy.
2. Your bar-taker does not want to talk to you.
3. Your bar-taker does not want to do housework. Do it for them.
4. Your bar-taker does not want to make you dinner.
5. Your bar-taker does not want to go out to dinner with you.
6. Make your bar-taker dinner. At their home.
7. Clean everything up after you make your bar-taker dinner.
8. Your bar-taker did not ask you how your day was because your bar-taker does not care. Get over it.
9. Don't ask your bar-taker how their day was. It sucked! Don't waste their time by making them tell you how much it sucked.
10. Stop calling your bar-taker. I told you already, they don't want to talk to you.
11. Don't try to teach your bar-taker anything new. They don't have room in their heads for anything but the rule against perpetuities. They will not listen to you. 
12. Your bar-taker does not want to go see a movie with you. Go by yourself and leave them alone so they can study.

This list goes on and on but I think maybe I'll just get new friends and leave the bar taker alone on a permanent basis.

Spouses and significant others, your bar-taker does not want to have sex with you.

Spouses and significant others, if your bar-taker does want to have sex with you, they will inform you of this fact. You should then be prepared to tender prompt and efficient performance. Then leave them alone.

It should go without saying but don't marry lawyers.
If this isn't sufficient proof for you (assuming you needed proof) then truly there is no hope for you.

Your bar-taker does not feel like bathing. Hold your nose and learn to live with it.

How about the bar-taker gets the fuck out of my house and finds herself a new method of supporting herself?

Your bar-taker has, in fact, degenerated into a subhuman creature whose sole purpose in life is learning the law. All semblance of compassion and human decency has been drained from their bodies. You are lucky they don't attack you and eat your brains.

Oh wow a lawyer with no compassion or sense of human decency.
Let me call the fucking press.

22. Don't like it? Might I offer a solution?
23. Be warned that by seeking the above solution, you will never get the chance to do this.

The first one linked to an article on divorce and the second one a picture of money.
Like I need your useless ass to make the mad cash.
I MAKE OVER MINIMUM WAGE AT MY SHITTY GROCERY STORE JOB.

Your bar-taker does NOT want to hear about how much is riding on this exam. Really, they don't. That's because they know. They spend hours stewing on how much is riding on it. Lecturing them about it has the potential result in decapitation-with-teeth, and be assured, any judge in the world would rule it Justifiable Homicide.  Remember, judges took the Bar too.

Any judge would rule it justifiable homicide because the pussy is too afraid to send someone to jail so he'd rather have criminals out murdering people.
Fucking useless assholes every single one of you. I can't believe this fucking article. Have you seen one of these about a medical licensure exam?
I sure fucking haven't and yet I've seen lawyers whining about this shit numerous times.

Getting sedated wasn't as bad as I feared it might be.  The oral surgeon, small-talking as we prepped me, asked if I had considered following in Mum's nursing footsteps.  "Are you kidding?" I said.  "I can't stand blood or needles!"  I couldn't even look when they put the IV in.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
DO SOMETHING USEFUL?

ME?
For any of my dear friends, relatives, casual acquaintances, fangirls, fanboys, fanbrats, and snarkaholics who read my LJ and are yourselves, like myself, currently engaged in the delightful and intricate dance of the job market, please do heed this one item of advice I have just discovered:

DO NOT READ CLASSIFIEDS AND WRITE COVER LETTERS AT 10:00 AT NIGHT!

You will be so antsy and stressed that you'll have no chance of getting any sleep for at least six hours. 

Well we're not all wonderfully useful like you so not everyone has great job prospects so I try not to let it bother me too much.
Good Christ this blog is boring.
Why did I pick this blog?
Oh right because I'm lazy and it was the first one I found that appeared suitable.
Ha, ha, oh me.

It wasn't easy to lose 18 pounds in 2007.  But somehow I at least managed to keep it going for a week at a time!

I'm an emotional eater - stress, frustration, boredom, you name it, it makes me crave stuff.  I don't eat until I feel physically full - I keep on eating until I feel "mentally full."

RRRRRR SO HUNGRY WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING

Dear World:

The United States of America, your quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

HAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Yes, the US invented the idea of liberty and democracy.
Athens?
What's that?
No, America totally invented freedom. The entire world was a police state before the US.
What? The pilgrims actually went to the US because Europe was too free and they had to move here so they could persecute others because the same rule that made Europe tolerant of Puritans also made them tolerant of Quakers and the like?
No idea what you're talking about.
USA! USA! USA!

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located. Replacement components were ordered Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, and have begun arriving. Early tests of the new equipment indicate that it is functioning correctly and we expect it to be fully operational by the end of January.

Yes, thank you for promoting peace, Obama.
Great use of UAVs, incidentally. I'm a huge, huge fan of mechanized warfare in gaming.
How's that peace medal working out?

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage and we look forward to resuming full service -- and hopefully even improving it in the years to come. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Very Truly Yours,

The USA

Yes, we're really sorry for the inconvenience of warfare.
So sorry about accidentally lighting your citizens on fire.
I promise it's hard to not catch women and children in the crossfire sometimes.
HEY, MOTHERFUCKERS.
WE INVENTED FREEDOM AND WE ARE GOING TO FREE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU EVEN IF WE HAVE TO KILL YOU TO DO IT.
Jesus Christ this blog.
Anyway I'm going to go do something else now.
Bye then.