Barf 2

I decided to check in on the world's greatest mother and OH GEE I SHOULD HAVE SAVED MY BARF TITLE FOR TODAY.
Skipping past yesterday's entry because frankly who gives a shit and I spy this:

I just got word that I am a finalist for Parent & Child Magazine's 2009 Mommy Blogger Awards!

WHAT!? Best blogger of 2009 from Parent & Child Magazine? I have more maternal instinct than this stupid whore and I'm a 21 year old guy, for Christ's sake.

when I ask you to vote for me, but WILL YOU?

Easy on the bold font, please. Also no, I'd vote Andrea Yates over you (burn).

Because I am a nice mom and lack common sense and good judgment, I let my five-year-old son carry the plastic shopping bag containing the clothes that I had just bought him out of the store.

>I
>nice mom
gigglingelfchild.png

It wasn't until after I pulled into the preschool parking lot that Cortlen remembered that he wasn't wearing any shoes.

Okay funny story: I forgot to wear shoes to college today.
Next post is pretty fucking amazing if I do say so. If you'll forgive the turn of phrase, this post is malignant.

There is one less person reading this blog today.

Well praise be to Allah for that.

On Friday, my friend Becky passed away from complications related to leukemia. She was 29.

This is sad. I think everyone reading this can agree.
Long post short: this woman lost her baby and then she expired shortly thereafter, but that's okay according to the world's cuntiest cunt:

I can't help but see this outcome in some way as an answer to two heartfelt prayers. Although not answered in the way either of us expected, in the end both Becky and I got what we wanted: she is with her baby, and I am with mine.

Well you somehow managed to make a eulogy about you. You are perhaps the most narcissistic person I've had the pleasure of reading.
Now she handily compiles a list of why she's a neglectful/abusive mother:

1. One of my daughter's friends gave her a Target gift card for her birthday. I used it to buy diapers.

That's not necessarily neglect because I've seen their living conditions and I'm guessing they aren't exactly well-off.

2. The number of times that I make my kids sleep in the clothes that they are going to wear to school the next day is steadily increasing.

Okay that is probably neglect.

3. On pupil-free days, I eat ice cream for breakfast in front of my kids. They don't understand why it's necessary for everyone's well-being.

Ever heard of the myth of Tantalus? No? Well I'll forgive you, world's cuntiest cunt, since you are a doctor (not a real doctor, a word doctor) of medieval literature and not Greek mythology.
I won't retell the whole story here but I will tell you a modern word in English with its root in this myth: tantalize.

4. I make the child who I like the least at the end of each day scoop out the cat litter.

So you punish your children based off your whims? I'm going to have to check my big book o' child psychology but I think that might be bad.

6. Clothing items with which my children develop unhealthy obsessions always mysteriously disappear.

So having them sleep in clothing they'll be wearing the next day is okay but if they have a particular shirt they like you take it from them? Fantastic.
This goes on but I stopped giving a shit so moving on:

The cashier handed the coupon back to me. "We don't have Whoppers here," she said.

It wasn't until after I asked the poor girl what kind of Burger King doesn't sell Whoppers that I realized that I was at McDonald's.

Ha, ha OH WOW.

It's a competitors' coupon," I explained, as I scanned the overhead menu.

That's Pizza Hut that takes competitor coupons, boss.

The manager was called over to explain to me the difference between the 40% off coupons handed out by national chain craft stores and the item-specific coupons mailed out by individual restaurant franchises.

"Burger King and McDonald's are not the same restaurant," he told me. "Completely different."

You know the really sad part in all of this? I bet that wasn't the dumbest question he heard that day.

I chose to take the high road and not pick a fight over hamburgers (feel free to applaud my maturity in the comments).

Actually you didn't take the high road. Someone called you on your (admittedly completely idiotic) mistake and you backed down. There is no high road to be had here. You did what you're supposed to do.

"What does this say?" I asked, pointing to the letters. They spelled S-I-G-L-R.

"My new name," replied Cortlen. "I changed it yesterday."

"To what?" I wanted to know.

"Kyle Singler," he replied, naming one of the starters of Duke University's men's basketball team.

See? Even a five year old can tell when his name is fucking stupid.

We followed the scent of rotting flesh to the front parking lot, where we found 30 small children staring wide-eyed at the exposed entrails of a dead deer, which had been hit by a passing car over the weekend and dragged to the side of the road.

Best thing to ever happen in church.

Usually the reviews of church are not so good. Yesterday they were significantly better.

"Church was AWESOME!"

"Do you think the deer will still be there next week?"

"If so, can I poke it with a stick?"

Hell yeah you can poke it with a stick.
Of course that'd be me, your CUNT MOTHER probably said no.
Well that's it. That's your fucking Friday update.

Barf

I forgot to update this fucking thing Monday. When I went to bed Monday, I was thinking to myself: "man today sure was headache free, I wonder why?" Then I remembered. Hopefully I can remedy this by having a double headache on Wednesday (it works like that I think) so here we are for today.
As I've often stated, everyone fancies themselves a writer, actor, movie star, producer, etc because everyone would be these things if they could be. These are the only occupations that people consider themselves apart of even if they are, in reality, not.
So today's latest twat fancies herself a writer, obviously.

Hmm. Life has been pretty good to me so far. Some downs, some ups.

"Umm I don't really have much to say so I'm just going to tell you the story of everygirlXI!"

But overall I can't really complain. I just thought I'd write a few sentences, since I haven't been updating much this past week.

"So, like, I haven't really been updating so I just thought I'd waste someone's time by posting the most redundant, asinine, trite piece of shit I could think of!!"

Haha, it's so mind-blowingly inane, it's a good break from all my school work and job stuff.

>mind-blowingly inane
>nice break from school work
Implying, of course, that her entire existence isn't inane. I bet you just got finished slaughtering an entire legion of Chaos Space Marines before taking your jumbo jet to play a rock guitar solo before the Queen of England, huh?
Now there's a really long post about something I don't understand (bands or something who knows). Now there's a really, really long post about various topics-- who gives a shit?

People will probably skip all this. I mean, I would. Maybe.

Thanks for the warning.
So that's three posts in a row I'm skipping. That's some kind of record.

Weekends are SRS BSNS.

lol xD srs bsns the game dasu dasu barrel roll the game longcats randum xD die in a fire you stupid whore.

I should be doing math homework. But it seems really inane. I haven't done math in 3 YEARS. I'm really rusty, and I definitely need the practice before the first exam coming up next Monday.

>inane
>I definitely need practice before the first exam
I'm guessing you don't actually know the definition of "inane", do you?
Also that's how I'd define this blog: "it seems really inane."

I'm still really bitter at the fact that I have to take MATH100 at all.

It's hard to be worse at math than me, and even I placed out of math 100.
I'd be a lot more bitter about the ENG100 I have to take this semester as well...
Ha, ha, ha, Eng 100 AND math 100? Kill yourself.

Even IF my 400-level English credits transferred fine from CSU...and somehow I don't have an ENG 100. Hmm.

400 level credits-- taking English 100-- WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

It has been a very quiet day. I spent the morning doing errands, the afternoon reading a HP fic that only kind of (kind of) made me cry, and the evening slaving over Japanese homework.

Huh, imagine that. Someone who reads fanfics takes Japanese.

I've had this fear of all this writing...everything about my life recorded with such careful detail for the past four and a half years...vanishing before I even realize it.

Jesus Christ who gives a shit that a shopping trip almost five years ago didn't turn out how you had hoped? It'd be one thing if you had a journal filled with awesome thoughts but it's just the same fucking wheel turning over and over and over.
Your blog is like an MMORPG brought into reality.
I HAD TO GRIND CRABS
I KILLED A CRAB, 200 EXP
I KILLED A CRAB 180 EXP DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE
I USED MY EMPRESS RING
I KILLED A CRAB 250 EXP
I KILLED A CRAB 310 EXP AND CHAIN 2 YAY

Sorry, for those who have been hanging on to my every word

Which is n--

(which includes a population of zero).

Yeah. That.

I'm sure it'd be incredibly frustrating, as a reader of my journal.

Very true. Maybe I was wrong about you. I've never had someone apologize like this.

I certainly would have complaints about the lack of regularity, if it were me.

LACK OF REGULARITY? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SORRY ABOUT? NOT THAT YOUR BLOG IS A BORING GRIND LIKE THE WORST MMORPG EVER?
NO. FACE THE WALL. YOU'RE IN TIME OUT.
Jesus Christ I can't believe this shit.

My linguistics and "Language in Japanese Society" finals are OVER. Thank the lord.

Praise be.
What am I supposed to say to this shit? What is there to even say that hasn't already been said dozens up dozens of times by myself and others?
The sad fact is, she doles out all this work with a cheery smile, completely oblivious to the fact that we simply can't work that much.
Can't, or won't? Would that you finished your work with the same skill with which you produce excuses I doubt you'd be bitching.

As much as all of us want to study and get better at Japanese...it's entirely un-productive if we're more worried about simply finishing all the work, than doing well.

What's that? Is that the sound of flimsy excuse #2? "Excuses are the refuge of the weak." You would do well to remember this.
So I think that's it. Oh don't worry, this goes on in excess of 4 years of entries, but quite frankly I'm bored, so--

Kill Yourself

It's Friday, that means an increased volume of posts on Livejournal.
Also it means increased levels of assholery and douchebaggery. So batten down the hatches and we'll weather this storm yet.

Is it weird that I'm writing a series of essays on my characters and their relationships in my original fiction? Maybe it is, but I'm finding sorting through their motivations and different actions and traits really enjoyable.

Whoa I think I just fell asleep with me eyes open.

But unfortunately I can't do any of that (with the exception of the essays) until the cold I have clears up, because I have this strange inability to write dialogue when I can't talk properly. Strange but true.

Wow that's really-- really-- Zzz.

What else...? Um, well, my mission to fully sort out my book collection is progressing nicely. I've decided that as I have so many books (about 800 actual books and a good few thousand on my computers) it'd be a good idea if I compiled a list of them so I didn't end up getting the same one twice or whatever.

Huh. You know reading that many books might be impressive, but they're probably all dreck like Twilight (my best seller) so who gives a shit? You might as well be watching TV.

It's going well, but considering I downloaded the entire Project Gutenburg collection which is over 13,000 free books it's taking a little while! Lol.

Ha, ha-- wait I don't get it.

I love Project Gutenberg :) It made me realise just how much of a nerd I am though when I noticed it had these books by this sixteenth century theologian/philosopher and I got all happy XD

lol XD die.

All I'm going to say is I love the fic I'm writing. LOVE IT.

And that's all I'm saying for now. Lolz.

OHHHHHHHH CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT BRILLIANT PIECE OF FANFIC. WHICH TWILIGHT CHARACTERS/HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS/FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS ARE YOU HOOKING UP NOW? I HOPE IT'S SEPHIROTH AND CLOUD. ^-^

Anyway, I was really, really good and I only bought four books which are:

History of Britain Pocket Companion
The Interesting Bits - History You Might Have Missed
The Age of the Dictators
The Nature of Despotism

You went to the largest bookstore in Europe and that's what you came out with? Holy shit I could go to my local fucking Border's and get 1000 incarnations of those things.

I'm really interested in seeing what the last one is like.

The Nature of Despotism... I'm guessing it might have something to do with despots and their psychology, huh?

I'm around, sort of, but damn as near zombiefied for the moment due to work. Fics will be forthcoming (eventually) but not for a couple of weeks.

Jeez, leave me waiting, you cocktease.
Now there's a post and I don't understand half the words in it. I guess this has something to do with her writing, which was as I suspected (shit). Fortunately nothing escapes my eagle eyes, and I found a link to her shitty writing. It is here.
I'll pick what sounds like the most interesting thing-- ehh- The Assassin sounds promising, if anything here can be called promising.

Tales of the young Havelock Vetinari, detailing his father's death and his first day at school.

Whoever that is.
Oh, apparently (after some googling) this character is from Discworld, which I never read, so fuck it.
Oh my God this reads like the world's biggest bore is talking to an assembly of the world's biggest bores. Here's a hint if anyone reading this is thinking about writing: write about interesting things.

Let the bad reviews commence!

You get bad reviews on fanfiction.net? You have fucked up on a website where any mention of Naruto is A+ would read again.
I lost the story I was working on. My computer crashed and it's gone...all of it. I was really happy with it too. It's one of those situations where swear words aren't really enough so you just give the computer a disappointed look, sigh heavily and put it in the corner for a while so it can think about what it did wrong.
Maybe I don't know how to write fiction, but it seems to me stories should take (if they're going to be of any substance) a while to write. It shouldn't be "WELL I LOST WHAT I WAS WORKING ON I'M DISAPPOINTED IN MY COMPUTER NO BIG DEAL." Unless you just started.

I have been coming up with so many ideas recently. It's totally cool, but I don't have enough time to write it all down. Damn you, brain of mine!

It's great though. I've just started this new original fic and it's going really well.

I wish I could have this much confidence in all of my ideas.

The only problem is that I'm thinking up dialogue quicker then I can write it down, which is a problem I have a lot.

Which would be a huge problem for you from my limited experience with your writing, because, like Twilight (my best seller) it seems 95% dialog driven. Not good dialog, either, so you're even bad at your supposed strong point.
How does it feel to be a complete and utter hack?

Thats what my writing needs: the click where it all goes into place and you just know it's good.

Wouldn't everyone who writes need that? Most people struggle with it and shit but no, you just sit there and wait for the failed fanfiction express to come pick your lazy ass up and take you to uninspiredville.

And I know this is going to work: I know the characters, I know the world, I know the plotline. I'm taking my time with this one, writing as and when necessary and I'm going to polish it until it's exactly the way it plays out in my head

Congratulations you just described how to write fiction. Glad you learned this critical first step in the world of fiction writing after you've already been writing for years.

I just wrote two and half thousand words in an hour and a half. For me that is nothing short of fucking phenomenal.

Jesus Christ all mighty. I doubt the prolific Stephen King averages that. I know that's quality.
Two and a half thousand words For those of you unfamiliar with how many typed words are on an average sheet of paper (understandable, most people don't count words) that's about 6-7 pages. That's about 41 words a minute, a little under one word a second. Know what definitely didn't happen in that hour? Thought.
It's at this juncture I'd like to point out to my fanfiction-writing friends that writing isn't like grinding in an RPG-- you can't get better at it just by doing it. It's an active process of learning and discovery.

Okay, I've just completed Fallout 3 and...

Did I call this RPG grinding thing or what?

The game presents itself as pretty free-roaming, like GTA or something: You have a main story, you have side-quests, you intermingle them, etc,

>Fallout 3
>like GTA
I know people who would be raging right now.
Also I like how she talks about how bad the ending was (and it was) then goes on to complain basically about how there's no new game+ (the game ended without a chance to continue or restart with her character intact, she has to start completely over) but fails to mention that the ending made no fucking sense in the first place.
This is something I'd think a writer would pick up on: the super mutant in your party (immune to radiation) won't go pull a switch that'll fill the room with lethal radiation, instead leaving you (not immune to radiation) to do it instead. Similarly, the Ghoul could have done this.
Also I know this will come as a shock to this casualfriend blogger, but before-- ehh-- 1999, most games didn't have a new game + option. Beating the final boss resulted in a game over screen. The end. You win.
Now there's a post entitled "Dear American Voters..." followed by "thank you". You Brits are real pretentious with that shit, let me tell you. Although I guess no one really gives a shit who you vote for in your quaint little elections so whatever.
Actually, come to think of it I'm not sure why anyone gives a shit about our elections since you're invariably going to elect a fuck up no matter who you choose, but the party is fun and the colors are bright so that placates the masses.

I eventually managed to write my daily quota of word vomit last night

Great. Speaking of, I'm out of things to say.
Piss off.