Ha

Wow it feels like a week since I last updated.
Oh shit I'm sorry.
I found a blog that I was going to review but then I found out it was in character and it was like a roleplay/fanfic thing.
Bad sign when your fanfic is so boring I think it's really you posting.
The only sign I had that it wasn't actually a real person was the line "I'm a spy."
Either you're the worst spy ever or the best spy ever.
I found another blog that was good but it just started--
more fanfic crap--
here we go.
That was a tough one.

If you begin an essay with, "I don't really know much about..." and then have the gall to carry on writing for five paragraphs, I don't know why I or anyone else should bother to read it.

If you're ignorant, shut up or find something by someone who's not ignorant and read it. If you aren't ignorant about a given topic, don't start off insisting that you are. You don't look suitably humble, you just look like a tool.

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that  

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU NOT GONNA FINISH IT.

I have started but not finished about four books in the last week. I don't think I will finish Sherwood Smith's Crown Duel, because I got about two chapters in and realized all the characters annoyed me. I am not sure if I will pick up Ekaterina Sedia's The Alchemy of Stone again, because it is very Manic Pixie Dreamgirl. I am probably going to finish Walter Mosley's Little Green, because it is a Walter Mosley novel and he is a sufficiently good prose stylist that I can get through even a substandard volume, which I don't think this is. 

Huh yeah that's cool meanwhile in the land of stories that aren't fucking gay I'm reading Vulkan Lives.

Turns out the reason Vulkan lives is because he's a perpetual like John Grammaticus and therefore can't die.

Oh by the way if you don't want the story spoiled you might not want to read that previous sentence.

But why is he a perpetual?
Did the Emperor do that on purpose or is it like Sanguinius' wings?

If it was on purpose, why?

WHO KNOWS.

The Unremembered Empire is going to be off the fucking chain though.

Look how fucking metal this cover is.

Folks, when I write a lengthy post about something I think is cool, and explain why I think it's cool even though it's challenging to figure out at first, and two different people respond with, "I still hate it," I don't have a civil response.

>Reading all those words

har not today, asshole.

If, despite my reasonable and articulate arguments, you haven't read Homestuck, now is your last opportunity to do so while there is some surprise left about how things will end.

I tried to read Homestuck once and I got bored somewhere around the 60th comic mark and there still wasn't the semblance of a plot and the rules were still being explained like the comic is some kind of RPG from the late 90s/early 2000s.

THIS IS HOW YOU JUNCTION MAGIC TO A WEAPON.

But what Hussie is doing, when you scrape away the in-jokes and the sex muppets and the shipping and the deliberately-bad art and everything else (and some days that takes a LOT of scraping), is structurally different from anything that's happened in comics before. So reading it is work, especially at first. And what I hear from friends, recurrently, is that they think it is too much work.

Good stories shouldn't be told in a complicated manner. The story should stand on its own.

When you have to do gay tricks like this it tells me you don't have much to say.

Opened a romance novel I bought last night and in the first paragraph, the protagonist is swearing "in his mother's native Mexican."

I'm...I'm not even sure where to go with that. I think it'll be more fun if I choose to believe he speaks Nahuatl.

I still contend the greatest opening to a book would be the line from Geto Boy's "Straight Gangstaism":

cigarette in one hand

drink in the other

leanin' to one side

cooler than a motherfucker

Tell me you wouldn't read that.

Reading state curriculum standards: in kindergarten, my kids are supposed to develop the ability to "distinguish wants from needs."

Yeah the state curriculum for 9th grade English includes such gems as "students will be able to form a coherent argument and back it up with original logic with evidence."

Most adults can't even do that.

I don't expect to be futzing around on the work Pinterest account before bed and stumble on a picture of a severed human penis.

I mean, no. That is not work-safe. That is not within my remit. That is not the fuzzy bunnies and teapots and bizarre diet recipes and umpteen kerjillion pictures of the Romanovs native to the Pinterest I know and use for work-related purposes. Yuck yuck yuck. 

>On the internet

>bitching about seeing a severed penis

how new are you to the internet?

I see weirder shit at 8 AM than that on an average day.

In fact my reaction if, at the end of the day, I haven't seen outrageous gore pictures my reaction is "holy shit I wasn't on the internet at all today."

Internets, I will not entertain the possibility that fiction written in the first person is inferior to that written from any other point of view.

I will give you not one, but two reasons why. To wit:

The reason first person is shit is because a lot of the mystique of interesting main characters is ruined when you realize their internal monologue is often as boring as your own.

Your reasons are irrelevant. This is reality.

It is a truth generally acknowledged -- I mean, around here, not, like, at my place of business -- that I have done some kinky stuff in my time.

But little in my experience has proven as disturbing, painful, unsatisfying, or producing of distressing marks in the genital regions (when something says it is "safe for use on the bikini area," I don't expect it to leave any part of said "bikini area" covered in very large splotchy bruises) as the Sally Hansen All-Over Body Brazilian Wax Kit, Just Heat In Microwave.

I see no problem with smearing something you just put in the microwave on your crotch.

Girls are dumb.

It would take a more creative mind than mine to make this product fun, but for those of you who enjoy inflicting pain on others, let me just say, this is absolutely the most perverse thing I have ever bought at the Target on a Friday night.

Ow ow ow ow.

And to add insult to injury, it didn't particularly get rid of the undesirable hair, either.

I can't believe normal ladies do stuff like this on a regular basis. I mean, I am working hard at the Convincing Impression of Girlyness (I am totally getting good at putting on eyeliner, too, I hardly ever have to do the "it's a smoky eye, it's not that I totally can't draw on my face competently" thing any more), but jesus fuck. There are some girl skills I don't think I can acquire, and waxing is one of them.

Surprise!

What, you thought this was just a normal girl?
HOW WRONG YOU WERE, ASSHOLE.

NO ONE ON THE INTERNET IS USUAL.

Folks, you know that I feel strongly that in a nation as rich as the United States, it's ludicrous that not everyone can afford medical care. I also feel strongly that birth control is a good idea and should be made freely available, and I oppose recent conservative efforts to limit women's access to birth control. 

So is it double ridiculous when I could afford healthcare but now can't? 

I'm not sure how you fuck that up, speaking of.

In your quest to make healthcare more affordable I went from being able to afford it to not being able to afford it.

That's the opposite of your goal.

 Fuck.

Song of the now.