Oh this fills me with confidence.

You know how Nero (allegedly) fiddled while Rome burned?
I kind of get that vibe from president Obama right now.
Anyway that's just a preview for what we're reading today:
ONTD!
I just can't get enough of this tripe.

Brad Pitt's Mom Invited to Jennifer Aniston's Wedding

SHOCK!
HORROR!
DEBAUCHERY!

Of course, Jane recently made headlines herself after writing an anti-marriage-equality letter urging Christians to vote for Mitt Romney after Barack Obama came out in favor of gay marriage this year. Brad made it very clear that he doesn't share his mother's views, saying, "Gay marriage is inevitable. The next generation, they get it. It is just a matter of time before it becomes a reality."

Uh-oh.
ONTD, being mostly women, fucking loves weddings and looking pretty but they also fucking love fags so how is this going to go down?
I know that sounds sexist but I didn't actually say anything sexist.
I just described what will invariably be the reality of the comments.

anti-gay marriage, pro-romney and team jen...look at your life, look at your choices

Yes.
"Team" Jen.
Because that's a side you can take.
People have vested interest in this. I want you to remember that.

Aaron Carter Has An Opinion About Justin Bieber's New Music Video 'Beauty And A Beat'

Wooooooooooow.
This headline really makes me want to read the story.

CHICAGO — Teen readers across the country chose _______ as their favorite book in the annual Teens’ Top Ten vote, sponsored by the Young Adult Library Services Association (YALSA), a division of the American Library Association (ALA). Teens voted online between Aug. 15 and Sept. 15, with the official list announcement during Teen Read Week™, Oct. 14-20.

Yes I need to be up to date on this crap because I'm invariably going to be quizzed at some point in the near future.
Look, kid, one of my favorite books is Neuromancer.
You haven't even heard of it I'm sure but suffice it to say we read different things.
And that's fine. You're a 14 year old girl and I'm a grown ass man but don't be surprised when I'm not that familiar with Hunger Games.
Ton of crap I don't know--
Great.
Divergent by Veronica Roth.
This looks fucking stupid.

Also, the amount of pink in that B&N photo in the post is pissing me off. In an unrelated note, I just had an argument with a friend about Bill Maher being a misogynist. She said that since he has female panelists, he's not sexist. lol. I CAN'T TODAY. 

Well, you know, it is ONTD so we can't go 5 posts without whining about sexism.
Even if it's 100% unrelated to fucking anything.

Too little, too late? Tom Cruise could be set to leave Church of Scientology in bid to win back Katie Holmes
He's one of the most high profile supporters of controversial religion Scientology, but A-lister Tom Cruise could be leaving the church in a bid to win back his ex-wife.

Oh shit son. But you're like a Super Saiyan in that religion!

'He lost Nicole and now his wife and daughter. He has always used the Scientology techniques but he has now realised they don't work in marriage,' said the source.

They don't work.
Period.

Adele's 'Someone Like You' might have been an international chart success, but it's now entered at number 22 of the funeral music chart.

If I die and any of you cocksuckers play that shit at my funeral I'm coming back and haunting you.

The study also found that a quarter of funeral homes refused to play a track on the grounds of taste – usually because the clergy disagreed with the choice – for example John Lennon's 'Imagine', with the lyrics "imagine there's no Heaven."

Well, Christer, I'm pretty sure it's my fucking funeral and not yours so you play whatever the fuck I tell you to.
Asshole.

Figures show that pop music has replaced traditional hymns at two-thirds of British funerals. In 2005, hymns accounted for 41 per cent of funeral music requests, but in the past 12 months the figure has fallen to 30 per cent. Only 4 per cent of mourners requested classical music.

So I guess if the tame "Imagine" isn't getting funeral play on the grounds it's "tasteless" Hells Bells by AC/DC is really out.

1. Frank Sinatra – 'My Way'
2. Sarah Brightman/Andrea Bocelli – 'Time To Say Goodbye'
3. Bette Midler – 'Wind Beneath My Wings'
4. Eva Cassidy – 'Over The Rainbow'
5. Robbie Williams – 'Angels'
6. Westlife – 'You Raise Me Up'
7. Gerry & The Pacemakers – 'You’ll Never Walk Alone'

Well I guess it's time to fall back on my second choice, then.
Al Green.

18. Righteous Brothers (and various) – 'Unchained Melody'

What about Al Green singing Unchained Melody?

In a powerful and moving ad released by the Obama campaign, hip-hop mogul Jay-Z pays tribute to the nation's Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama and the historical impact he made as the first US African-American president.

If Al Green endorsed Obama I'd vote for him.

Clearly taking the huge success of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey into consideration, Penguin Books’ Berkley imprint has signed a big deal with an unknown author of two Twilight fan-fictions.

Welp.

Gabriel’s Inferno and Gabriel’s Rapture are presently available in e-book format after initially debuting on fan-fiction sites. Paperback editions are due out in the next few months with an initial run of 500,000 copies.

Oh good.
I was worried Dante's Inferno had been lost on the fanfiction audience.
Glad to see nothing is safe.

According to GoodReads (where the book scores a 4.06 out of 5 stars), “Professor Gabriel Emerson [the lead character] is a well respected Dante specialist by day, but by night he devotes himself to an uninhibited life of pleasure. He uses his notorious good looks and sophisticated charm to gratify his every whim, but is secretly tortured by his dark past and consumed by the profound belief that he is beyond all hope of redemption.

Sounds like garbage.

When the sweet and innocent Julia Mitchell enrolls as his graduate student, his attraction and mysterious connection to her not only jeopardizes his career, but sends him on a journey in which his past and his present collide.”

Whoaaaaaa.
You fucking idiots will read anything Jesus Christ you might as well just watch TV if this is the kind of trash you shovel into your brains.

if you write dumb erotica stories you can sell them for like 2.99 a pop on amazon and barnes & noble and make a moderate amount of bank. i mean it's still one in a million to get some kind of big book deal but people are making money off self-publishing. read this thread and EDUCATE YOURSELVES http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3503700

Oh Christ.
Yeah, link a Something Awful article.
Now I feel well prepared for the dangers ahead.
I don't even know where to start with this.
You can write erotica and sell it on Amazon.
I'm willing to accept this as a legitimate market but what I'm unwilling to do is accept Something Awful has a grip on it.

Not gonna lie, I bought a couple (non-fanfic) dumb erotica stories just so I could understand the difference between erotica and "regular" romance (sex is the plot vs sex in the plot). Erotica isn't my thing but those amazon self-published authors got my money regardless... though I used a gift card ;)

Wow that's a flimsy fucking excuse if I've ever heard one.
I DON'T LIKE EROTICA I JUST BOUGHT SOME TO PROVE TO MYSELF HOW MUCH I DON'T LIKE EROTICA.

So many goonettes gettin' rich off erotica. Ah, if only I had the chops to write erotica.

Goonettes.
I'm a little uncomfortable with ONTD crossbreeding with SA. Where are assholes like me going to go?

I didn't mind Inferno but Rapture was fucking unbearable! WHY ARE ALL THE LEAD FEMALES IN THESE BOOKS ALL THE SAME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

162 pages into my novel I'm writing with my aunt... fuck this shit

Every book I've read with a female lead has either been really whiny and I wished it was focused on any other character but the main one or she was cool kind of in spite of being female.
Like that's something to overcome.
I think a non-hack writer (me) is going to have to write a character who is cool and incidentally female.
Stand back, plebeians. I'm about to unleash writing skills that have been dead for 400 years.
I'd explain my writing technique to you but--
remember in Dragon Ball Z when Goku went Super Saiyan 3 and it was a "holy shit I can't even comprehend how awesome this is let alone figure out how he got that powerful" moment for all the characters?
That's me and writing.

=o

What's it about?

I have two screenplays and a novel to write. Fuck me.

Nervous detachment from a post-civil war 2 American rump state and an increasing disillusionment with society as a whole.
I think.
I just decided that should be the thesis on a whim from 3 seconds ago.

The book I'm writing with my aunt? It's about a woman who has her shit together despite a fucked up and abusive upbringing, she's a big wig for a local professional hockey team and left all her baggage across the country. She meets a guy who is a genuinely good guy in a "meet tragic" situation sparks fly and real life drama ensues.

We're trying to write a "real life" relationship... not billionaire dom meets virginal innocent sub and enter into a fucked up relationship lol.

I'm obviously bad at summing things up...

I think it should feature a war veteran.
How do you create a badass war veteran?
Let's see--
robot arm, robot eye--
Personality like, huh--
well let's do like the guy who wrote Fist of the North Star did: I'm combining John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, James Arness and Bruce Lee into one dude.
I wasn't kidding. Stand the fuck back. 
And what's his problem?
Mobsters.
Russian mobsters.
Holy shit this is the best idea ever.

WHY ARE ALL THE LEAD FEMALES IN THESE BOOKS ALL THE SAME


because they're all based off of bella swan

Oh right. Female lead.
Oh boy.
This is hard.
Okay so this isn't hard. I just have to abstract it out--
Bella Swan is a shitty character so I'll just create the opposite of her.
So instead of high school she'll be a grown adult--
and instead of deriving meaning from her otherwise parasitic existence from fucking some sparkling asshole I think she should instead be striving for her own life goals--
maybe she could be the child of a crime boss but she wants to start her own mob?
And she could be from Hong Kong because--
fuck you I said so, that's why.
And there could be some sort of sexual tension with the main character but he doesn't want to get his legs broken by the Triads so he can't hit it and quit it--
man this is genius.
See how easy it is to write good stories?
All you have to do is have talent.

You know what? I'm kind of over being pissed about this. All writers have to start somewhere, and it's not a crime to be inspired by someone else's work.

I'm heavily inspired by cyberpunk but I'm not calling my story Neurosorcerer. 

if they wanted to option out some original stories from fic writers, it's w/e. but they're just straight up publishing fanfiction and they aren't even hiding the fact that it's fanfiction cause they know it has a built-in fanbase. it's so cheap and lazy. i think either these publishers are idiots, or they think we're idiots (or both)...either way, i'm offended haha

The beauty of writing a good story is you don't even need to come up with a plot. I just gotta spend about another week on these two characters and it almost doesn't matter what they do and it'll be interesting.
Think about the movie Pulp Fiction. Practically nothing happens in that movie and it's still great.
And I can't actually find the post I was referring to in the opening.
Well Obama weighed in on the Mariah Carey/Nicki Minaj feud.
So, you know, the hard hitting issues.
ECONOMY IS IN SHAMBLES WITH NO HOPE OF RECOVERY IN THE NEAR FUTURE BUT NICKI MINAJ IS FIGHTING MARIAH CAREY?
SURE I HAVE A MINUTE TO TELL YOU MY THOUGHTS.
I'm a fucking substitute teacher and I manage to have more important things to do than know they're feuding.
You're the fucking president, man. Have some dignity or something.
OR SOMETHING.
I'm going fuck this noise.

Jesus Fuck Christ

What why they changed Blogger's look.
This is awful.
I hate things that are different.
Actually all the shit looks the same it's just uglier and unfinished-looking.
Bang up job, gentlemen.
Anyway here we are for today.
This blog is called The Analyzer.
The ANALyzer, more like.
So anyway I was fucking around Blogger's new features and I discovered this:

6578 unique page views what the fuck is wrong with you people I mean Jesus Christ--
I thought for sure I was the only one reading this but evidence points to a few regular readers.
Anyway you didn't come here to listen to me marveling at my new found ten readers so here we go, blogs.
Yippee can't fucking wait.

I just realized an essay that I thought was due next week was due today! Which wouldn't be too bad, since I'm able to make something somewhat decent without it being very last minute.

But that family "friend" of ours is over in order to take my mom over to a chiropractor. As an star-eyed Israel supporter, he's Islamophobic and Arab-hating and this makes him very unpleasant to be around.

Brown girls, man.
But Israelis can be brown girls too you know.
I just hate to see brown girls fight. Shouldn't you ladies have better things to do?
Such a shameful waste of brown girls all around I feel. That's the real tragedy, I think.
I don't care if their respective governments want to create an apocalyptic wasteland but I can't help but feel if my sage advice is not only being ignored but the opposite of what I've taught is being done.
This must be how Jesus Christ felt.

He just said something about the Soviet Union inventing the Palestinian identity and that they're all evil and deserve all the land being stolen away from him. Just...fuck this guy. If I can't cut ties with him entirely, then I'm not talking with him as much as possible!

Fucking Commie scum.

I've enjoyed my Women's Literature class, but I enjoy Intro of Women's Studies. They introduce radical ideas that should be required viewing for everyone.

Nope too busy with my own niche philosophical views to bother with yours.
Why do all these people have to force their bullshit on me in pussy sensitivity?
You don't see me forcing transhumanist views on you, do you?

I need to finish an essay from that class though, which is due Thursday. I'm beginning to start it this night. Then I'd won't have to do so many essays, with Spring Break next week and all.

I mean really, if I were a woman I'd be a bit embarrassed that one of the primary contributions to the world my gender has accomplished is women's lib.
 Women have achieved a lot of shit like I'm pretty sure the first software compiler was built 100% by a woman.
And the greatest WW2 sniper of all time was a woman.
And the best spy in WW2 was a woman.
But you never hear about that shit, do you?
No because WOMEN'S LIB HURRRR DURRR.

Obama-apologists, what's it going to take for you to realize that your dear President doesn't give a shit about you AT ALL before you protest his evils? And screw you for eviscerating the truth tellers.

God, these people make me sick to my stomach. Why do I even hang out at that community? 

I dunno but guess where I found this blog?
The community she's bitching about here.
Bitching in a post 9 months old.
People just love to bitch.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for falling for the lesser of two evils rhetoric.

Fuck you for saying voting for a third party is bad even when both parties are inherent criminals of all types.

Fuck you for putting down the disenfranchised when they protest either through said third party voting or despairing and pulling out of the futile system altogether.

Fuck me for fucking everything I am the white man white guilt right here.
Seriously if you vote third party you might as well not fucking vote at all because none of those losers are winning.
So pick your favorite dipshit party, idiots, because your votes don't mean a goddamn fucking thing.
I, on the other hand, don't vote so I'm entitled to criticize the government as much as I want.
You voted?
Well I guess you voted for criminals so you brought this upon yourself.
I, on the other hand, never asked for this.

Fuck you for liking Obama after all the people he's betrayed, the murders he consented to, and the divide and conquer tactics in rewarding certain groups of people and persecuting orders.

Fuck you're making me like the guy. He sounds like he gets shit done.
But unfortunately I live in reality so I know this to be contrary to the truth.

I should feel sorry for you all, for being so entrapped by the ruling elite and propoganda rhetoric that you feel no choice but to vote for Obama. But no, I don't. I just want you all to shut your mouths so discussion's about protest and other means of getting the working people's desires could not be drowned out by manufactored cynicism. 

Great grammar. I'm not even going to bother noting your spelling and grammar errors but suffice it to say there are a couple.
Anyway that's real bulletproof logic. FUCK YOU SHEEPLE then you turn around and tell me to keep my mouth shut and submit to your view.
This is a great argument and I feel like I really learned a lot.

Holy crap, I'm actually writing the first chapter to Pieces of the Five. It's over 8 pages and I'm kind of excited about it. 

Over 8 pages for one chapter.
Implying what, that's some kind of landmark for length?
Holy fuck, how short are your chapters?

I don't know how long this will be but I hope it will be at least 15 pages.

Am I the only person who doesn't bother page counting for chapters?
It's as long as the thought is. Deal with it.
Then again I'm also apparently the last person to worry about word count or some bullshit scale that determines if your female characters are empowered enough so I guess I'm just really out of touch with writing.

To start this off, I hate our family friend. He imposes 100% incorrect and racist views on my family, a supporter of the death penalty, and a right homophobe.

Imposes incorrect views.
Views--
can be incorrect--
okay, Thought Police.

But he's kept around because of his veneer of niceness. I can't believe I even liked this guy at one point. If the opportunity to cut contact with him presents itself, I'll eagerly pursue it.

Yeah I guess that's cool, not wanting to talk to people you don't like--
I wouldn't talk to anyone I do at work but unfortunately it's my fucking job so what can you do?

Society has it wrong. Right wing views should be absolutely villified! The more left the views are, the more coverage they should get.

Oh that's great. This is literally after three posts about how censorship is wrong and how we need to stand against censorship.
So this guy you don't like because he's a homophobe and whatever else has a veneer of niceness so your family tolerates him-- have you ever considered you're a Nazi with a liberal veneer so your family tolerates you?
Because that's really how this shit is reading.
I know it's a faux pas to call someone a Nazi on the internet because it's such an easy analogy to make but goddamn have you read this shit?

This article needs to be read. It precisely explains why progressives need to be as extreme as the tea party, even more extreme.

Yes, extremism.
I love extremism.
Zealots, hell yes.

Please stop trying to make me give into despair about everything and that I'm helpless in contributing toward any effort that could change things for the better.

Sincerely,

Your son

SON?
This motherfucker, man.
Writing fanfiction-- whining about politics on his blog--

Apparently that article I've shown my mother about the racism of The Last Airbender wasn't enough to persuade her and my older brother from going to see it. I..just *gabbers in-comprehensively* 

And yet you called The Karate Kid a great exploration of Asian culture so clearly you don't know fuck all about anything, stupid.

I'm glad I'm no longer part of a religion.

That is all.

Edgy as fuck.

I'm twenty-one today! I now at the age where I can legally drink, but I'm don't fancy headaches and nausia, so I'm just do with angel food batter!

Got English homework to deal with this weekend having to deal with Lot's wife and some poets' take on her. I'll employ my mother for some assistence on this front!

21 but still need mommy to spot you for homework.
"Assistence". you know my mom stopped helping me on my homework when I got to middle school. Maybe that's why I know how to spell assistance.

I should be finishing How To Suppress Women's Writing this week. Its pretty interesting to see the techniques used against women to keep them out of the halls of Great Mainstream Literature.

Except Mary Shelley and Harper Lee, apparently.
The best technique to suppress women writers is to have a high standard of writing.
I don't mean to sound sexist but when it comes to classic literature their contributions seem a bit slim.
Oh and Ayn Rand. Even though I hate her writing she is a famous female author.
You know--
if I were one of these three women I'd be pretty upset at the statement women authors are being suppressed and that's why there aren't more in the mainstream "great literature" category. I mean surely they achieved greatness as women and they weren't suppressed? Wouldn't the implication be they somehow gained that status through some other means?
Actually if I were any of these three women I'd be fucking dead and not thinking anything but you get my meaning.
Actually Harper Lee is still alive.

Yay I got the H1N1 vaccine!

Beat that Swine Flu!!!

I spoke to a licensed medical doctor, a licensed surgeon, a nearly-graduated nurse and a pharmacist around the time of this whole H1N1 bullshit and none of them recommended getting the H1N1 vaccine.
Good work.
He (I still can't believe this is a guy) is now posting about fanfiction--
Yeah I think I'm done with this bullshit.