Pollos

Gubment is shutting down but what the hell, whinging on Dreamwidth!
American confidence in its own administration erodes a little bit more but why not?
It's not like empires have ever crumbled because of a lack of confidence, am I right?
Am I right or what, Han China?
Rome?
Fuck.

I just feel like shit. I feel anti social and insecure and bitter. I've had a good past few days, but so much people. People people people. I just want to shut down for a bit, and it's not like I've even done anything worthwhile. I went to the fair, I had fun. I ate food. I went out to dinner with A, and we saw a movie that was interesting and smoked weed which turned out to be terrifying because I swore I was being torn from my body bit by bit for several minutes. Okay so that last part wasn't so fun, but none of this feels like it was fun even though I mostly enjoyed myself at the time. I hope it's not back. I hope there's not another leech on me. It feels like there is, but it could also be depression or general mental illness. 

But my job is unaffected by this government shutdown, at least.
If it weren't I wouldn't be going in.
Or maybe I'd scab up because of all the quitting teachers.
What would Machiavelli do?

J and I have been spending more time together. Some of it is amorous in nature, some not. I really want to fucking have sex again. The first time was nice, but it was more of an intimate liaison than particularly erotic, good for my heart but my body wanted more. That was about six weeks ago. I will admit, sending him my climaxes while he's tuned in tides me over, the intermingling of his energy with my sexual energy, but I still want more. I want to say I try not to complain but that's a goddamned lie, I'm as thirsty as a fish in a desert and boy do I tell E that. I know we have so much potential for tension and for our chemistry to just go "BOOOOOM!", I know he's a kinky fucker, I can feel it. He's a snake, how can he NOT be kinky? [If you read this Sareth, congrats, you probably know who he is now.] And he just oooozes darkness..

What the actual fuck am I reading?

but, he's got a war to worry about. What part he plays, I don't know. What part I'll play I don't know. Readings don't seem to tell me much, except I'm not on a battlefield, and that my role is unorthodox and possibly out of my element. I'm hoping that once I get involved, we'll get to spend more time together. I want to see him in action, to tear others apart, whether that be with wit or strength. 

So we're fighting a war or fucking--
Possibly both?

Anyways, he's so gentle and sweet and I love him. I don't consider myself really single anymore, it's strange but I can't really say otherwise. "oh hey mom yeah wanna meet my boyfriend the giant snake?" Pssssh. I haven't even introduced him to my closest friends, except E, but that's because she's pagan too.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
This is no form of Paganism I know.
The kind of Paganism I know is all about the fury of Peleus and being manly and shit.
Not fucking giant snakes and whining.
Well maybe some whining if you're Achilles but otherwise it's nothing but being cool as hell.
Being cool is virtually a commandment in Paganism.

I don't even like using the term boyfriend for him, it's too casual. He's my beau, my paramour, or "the babe" [I don't think he likes that much, ruffles his feathers so to speak].

Agh this wasn't supposed to be about him. >.< But, I don't really have much else to report. Anything notable that's gone on -other than purging the thing, and my fear of depression- regards him. He's just becoming a more prominent part of my life I spose, bit by bit.

Keeping it cas'.
Always critical in a relationship.
If I read this I'd turn 360 degrees and walk the fuck away from you.

I did my first demon related thing, I'm so excited!

It was a simple deal, for protection. They seemed non Goetic, and masculine in nature.

Contact with warp entities.

Burn her.

This thing's sucking the life from me. It has been for years, using me as a host. And now, because I'm fighting back, it's sucking even harder. That's why I snapped earlier. That's why I woke up this morning aching, because it knew the bullets tied to my wrist were for it .

I need to get this over with. I'm scared, this isn't just some demon or pixie. This is something people don't even speak the name of, something I have to have a nick name for to lighten the mood.
J's been so kind, helping me, protecting me. I bet the reason it's never done anything serious is because of him. It's what I believe. He's so good to me, and I'm so scared of him sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good to be true.

Anyways, I have no specific date to do the thing with the bullets and to interact with The Turtle.

What the fuck am I reading?
This isn't Paganism. This is fucking mental illness.
Paganism is like an ancient ethnic religion.
Like what we now call Greek or Roman mythology.
Ancient Iranian mythology.
Stuff like that.
Odinism. That's Pagan.
The Mabinogion. That's Pagan.
This is just some fuck.
I know their beliefs weren't supplanted by Christianity which is why they got to keep their original names but had it happened Shintoism would be considered Pagan.
Buddhism maybe?
I debate that one.

Right now, I hate people. I'm angry, I'm sick of people's bullshit. I'm sick of attention whores, I'm sick of hypocrites, I'm sick of pretentious motherfuckers and those in love with their sorrow, those whom are comfortable with misery.  

So you're sick of yourself?
BOOOOOOM.

When I get like this, I want to destroy. I want to sink my teeth into something and feel it bleed, to taste blood on my tongue.

Praise Ares?
I don't know most Pagan traditions don't have demons and devils. That's more of a Christian invention.
I'm really curious about her bullshit beliefs now.

There's a goddess that's been hanging on the sidelines. At least, they feel like a goddess so that is what I will refer to them as for now. Before I met J, I knew of her and called her "Momma". She hasn't gone, she's been here as I've had my shenanigans, my ups and downs and pushing him aways, my eventual succumbing.  

Then there's this hubris.
In the myth cycles goddesses are concerned with what heroes are doing.
OH AND ALSO MENTALLY ILL BINTS WITH BLOGS.
Forgot that chapter of The Aeneid.
Aeneas went on to FOUND ROME and even then the gods didn't give him their full attention.
To say mortal affairs are chief of their concerns would be obviously mistaken by any myth cycle I know of.
Warhammer (as usual) has the interpretation of Paganism correct:
the eye of the gods turns for but a second when an especially great mortal rises.

I have been interested in Aphrodite and Lilith, but I know this isn't Lilith and it doesn't seem like Aphrodite. I'm left to wonder if they are from a culture I'm not as familiar with, perhaps Welsh or Kemetic. God forbid they're from a closed culture; tumblr will have my ass if it's so. 

You're building your philosophy of religion off of what tumblr tells you.
How's this one, wacko?
Don't worry about the gods being literal or not. They're an example for you to follow.
So you follow the example of Aphrodite and try not to be such a fucking cunt.
How's that?
Learn to exist with some dignity.

I try not to feel guilty, but if an entity from a supposedly closed culture approaches me and wants to work with me, I'm not going to say no solely because of the culture they're from. [I say supposed because I get really confused in a religious context as to which cultures are "okay" to worship from and which aren't, I need to do more research.]

Did you ever consider the different gods from different cultures might not be different entities as such?
Most cultures had a god of warfare, for instance, so one could reason that it's the same god just adapted to cultural needs.

In other news, I hate when people get offended by the dumbest things. I'm not referring to cultural appropriation or anything like that, this is completely different. But I'm talking to this gal who just got completely butthurt over her comment being ignored when someone was asking for advice.. and it just.. *facepalm* the person asking for advice didn't MEAN to ignore her, it's really obvious, and they apologized when this girl got upset, but now she's making a big deal over it because I said that her reaction was rude, and then she deleted her comments like a goddamned scumbag. I screen shotted it, just in case the admin of the group questions what's going on and the girl gets her panties in a bunch again. I mean, I really found it rude, she was making this person feel bad and they're really sweet, and goddamnit no one cares that you're in medical school, if you act like an actual middle schooler.

See this is what I mean. Pretend Zeus is literally in the room with you and don't type shit like that and post it on the internet because he'll smite you with fucking ball lightning for that shit.
Anyway I just hit the start of this blog so fuck it.
Gotta go to bed.
Teacher-vacancy class tomorrow.
My favorite class.
AKA it'll be a surprise when I get there!
Could be super duper honors English or it could be in school suspension!
He died like he lived:
rolling the dice.
That's what people will say about me.
Hopefully.