CUNTINESS

I bet all three of you reading this thought "hey, we're up to day six with no mention of that Meanest Mom cunt," well you impatient twat today is your lucky day.
I know I've spoken at large (this is the fifth entry on the subject) but the most recent entry was this one.
I rather enjoy my opening to this post:

Like a dog returning to its vomit, I find myself returning to the subject of THE MEANEST MOM (ALL CAPS POWERS ACTIVATE!)

It's like it's written to compel you to read further or something.
How do I do it?
Well enough of tooting my own horn, let's begin.

This morning I went to the post office to mail a couple last minute gifts. Everything went fine, except for the fact that somehow I managed to get my dad's Christmas gift stuck in the mail bin.

Recurring theme in this blog: she does something stupid and expects the world to fix it for her.
TYPICAL WOMAN AM I RIGHT GUYS?
Wow that was really uncalled for, even by my usual standards.

After waiting in a ridiculously long line, I notified the woman at the front counter of my predicament. She told me that what happened to me "happens all the time" and that someone would "try" to get the package out later that afternoon.

Ha, ha wow you're getting trolled hardcore.

"If another customer doesn't figure out a way to get to it first," she told me with a hysterical laugh.

Wow not only is she not going to do anything she doesn't even give a fuck if your shitty package gets stolen. I'd give this woman a high five.

I have something very special to give away this week!!!!!

It is incredibly awesome and something that every family would love to have in their home for the holiday season.

I'm not going to tell you what it is (surprises are rad),

A gun.

but I will give you two clues:

Oh I love these kind of games. I'm always spot on.

1. It's a gift that keeps on giving. I got it on Friday night, in the middle of Ikea, and still have it!!!!!

A deep dicking.

2. You won't be able to keep it to yourself! This gift is not for the stingy. No matter how hard you try to keep it all to yourself, it will be nearly impossible not to share it with somebody.

Definitely a deep dicking.
Also stop getting on my shit about my spelling, Firefox. Dicking is so a word.

I love a good giveaway and this one is, I'm sure you'll all agree, pretty awesome!!!!

I bet it's a cold, eh heh heh heh I like my suggestion better.

Last week, the family who lives across the street got a dog.

Today, a man came and installed an invisible fence around their yard. The concept is genius: every time the dog crosses the line, it gets a little bit electrocuted.

Radio waves, actually.

This weekend, my husband and I took our older kids on a short cruise to the Bahamas. We specifically left Cameron at home so we could do some fun activities together as a family.

Yeah fuck you Cameron. Too young to remember shit anyway.
I do enjoy the implication that Cameron was left home alone at the ripe old age of 3 or whatever he is now.

I shouldn't have bothered.

All my kids wanted to do the whole time was watch television in their cabin.

Amazingly cruises aren't too interesting to 10 year olds.

"We didn't come here to watch T.V.," I told them. "Let's go check out the buffet or something."

Lesson of the day: staying home saves money and all the fun activities are already there.

My husband ticked off the options on his fingers. "How about ping pong?" he asked. "Or shuffleboard or basketball? At 3 o'clock, we can learn how to fold towels into the shape of animals."

I came 2000 miles to play basketball?
Dad, have you ever heard of a playground?
Or, no, my mistake: shuffleboard. What year is this? How old are you people?

On Saturday night, I went to the grocery store. Before I left the house, I asked if anyone wanted to go with me.

No. No one wants to be near you. Away with ye.

My husband and Cortlen ignored me (they were watching a football game). Camber came into the room with a brush, a bottle of hair spray, and two packages of glittery hair clips.

"I would go, but I have things to do," she explained

I understand. I, too, am often busy.

I didn't really want to take Kellen because he looked like a homeless person, but by the time I found my keys, he was already in the car.

The drive to the grocery store took exactly three minutes...plenty of time, I learned, to have a conversation about just everything in the entire planet.

Or everything worth talking about, anyway.
Also I like how she doesn't want to take the one kid because he looks homeless but isn't that kind of the responsibility of the parents to, I dunno, raise their kids or something? Is this kid living in such Spartan conditions that he can look homeless?

Kellen: "Do you know what? I wouldn't go walking in the woods right now. You wouldn't be able to see a panther because it's so dark. Isn't that crazy?"

Yes, the wild panthers of Florida.

Me: "Why are we talking about panthers?"

Panthers are fucking rad is why. The kid's right. They blend into the night, then they melt out of the shadows and maul you to death. A day in the life of an average panther is 100 times more awesome than your entire existence, woman.

Kellen: "Do you know what? If a rabid dog bites you, you have to get three shots in your arm that are as thick as peanut butter. Did you know that?"

And back in the day it was 20 shots in the gut. Be glad you were born when you were.

The scene: an overpriced department store

The purpose for our visit: to purchase a $100 group gift card for a relative who just had a baby

Ah fuck I just got disconnected from my game in the middle of splitting a wind crystal. Well there's 1 crystal down the drain.
And now it thinks I'm still logged in. Oh, right. What are you taking about that's of no significance?

After paying for the item, I put the card in my purse. My kids were quiet until we got outside. And then they let me have it.

"You paid $100 for that?" Camber screeched. "That's a total rip-off!"

Oh Christ who even cares?

Camber spends her money the instant that she gets it, usually on things that I abhor.

"It would be great if you didn't buy that tub full of tiny beads," I told her as she plopped the object into my shopping cart this afternoon.

This is where guidance and parenting come in I understand.
Or you could not crush the life out of your children, I dunno.
It really is your fault for having so many.

One of my greatest joys in life is picking up thousands of microscope beads off the floor...one by one.

Oh what's it like living in the fucking stone age? I was about to say "you know a vacuum would expedite the process" but come to think of it so would a fucking broom and dust pan.

"Christmas is coming soon," I begged. "Maybe Santa will get it for you."

Yeah nice try your kids are like 10. Way too old to fall for shit like that.

My kids aren't the smartest kids in the universe, but they have enough brain cells to know that the Santa that comes to their house doesn't love them as much as the Santa that comes to their friends' houses.

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE CHILDREN IF THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF THEM?
What, there weren't enough people in the world to experience your cuntiness you had to produce four of your own to show?
And it really took you a long time to realize that maybe you shouldn't have had any at all. I understand two are twins (which is knowing more about your life than any stranger should know) but even then that means you gave this pregnancy and childbearing, not to mention raising thing four goes.

"Santa would never buy me something like that because hates us," my daughter told me. "All he buys me are books and toys without batteries."

WELL PSYCHE OUT MOTHERFUCKERS THIS YEAR WE'RE GETTING A PS-TRIPLE.

Since ascending into adulthood, I have been a member of 17 book clubs. Or so it feels.

Ascending.
The Temple of the Emperor Ascendant is all I can think of for some reason.
That's where Reclusiarch Grimaldus had his last stand at Hellsreach, wasn't it?
Oh thanks for letting me back into FFXIV, SE. Only took you 13 fucking minutes.
All right bitch, back to your alembic. We got wind shards to make.

Unlike most other social events, I find book clubs to be thoroughly enjoyable. On all but two occasions, I have read the assigned book and then neglected to show up for the meeting to discuss it.

I would be the worst at book clubs. I'd just tell the entire club what we should read, call their selections stupid and then do what I wanted anyway.

"You don't like book clubs," my husband corrected. "You like reading lists."

Last week, I joined my eighteenth book club. The first meeting was in a conference room at the public library. The book club leader began the meeting by asking each of us to make a list of things that we like to read about.

I want to read Hellsreach again. The best Warhammer book ever.
Actually Legion is better by a slim margin.

I didn't know what to write first, so I put down "infectious diseases."

I have to give credit where credit is due: that sounds like something I would suggest.

"Like the Swine Flu?" the woman asked when she got to my paper.

"And HIV and Cholera and the Black Death," I added.

Fuck yeah.

All of the other lists in the room included mythical creatures.

HURRR TWILIGHT.
Let's read The Faerie Queene instead. MOTHERFUCKIN' SAINT GEORGE KILLS THE FUCK OUT OF A DRAGON.
Then lands some sweet Elven pussy, man that guy was a baller.
Yeah it sounds like the gayest thing ever written. The Fairy Queen, really?
But it's just hiding the most awesome thing ever written, practically.
It's like that movie Troy. It stars Brad Pitt as Achilles and you think "wow, Brad Pitt as a Greek. This is going to be homoerotic" and the first thing I see when I turn it on is Achilles throwing a spear through a guy's shield and through his fucking head.
Awesome.

All this week, my kids have been making drafts of Christmas lists. On Sunday, the final lists are due. Today we held a peer review.

Uh-huh. Why?
I can't even get 9th graders to do this activity correctly. How are you going to get 10 year olds to do it?

When Cortlen saw who was going to review his list, he started to cry. Camber cackled and rubbed her hands together in anticipation and excitement.

Just some good ol'-fashioned sadism I guess.

"Now I want you to circle three things on the list that you think the author would like the most," I told them.

I had no idea where this exercise was going or what purpose it served,

Oh. I was kind of joking about the sadism thing but I can't say I'm surprised.

Kellen was a good listener and circled everything on the list in front of him.

Camber wrote the word "butt" on Cortlen's list and had to be excused from the table.

Cortlen was so upset by what his sister did that he stabbed her paper with his pencil and had to be excused from the table as well.

Santa watched the whole spectacle through his magic telescope as he whispered "Merry Christmas" in my ear.

Well to be fair you kind of brought this on yourself.
Why would you even do something like this? I can't even begin to get the vague impression of the point of this activity outside of--
oh good, check it out:

Surplus EXP now.
Whatever, I'm leveling through that. Too close to the cap anyway to care about such nonsense.
I didn't even know you could get fatigue on EXP. Did I just discover this?
Oh right, you.
Uhhh--
In conclusion, you're a cunt.

DISGUST

Once in a while there's a blog that's bad (bad like all the rest) but there's also a certain layer of je ne sais quoi to it that makes me feel like I just stepped in dog shit. Originally I had a very specific blog in mind but after what I suspect might have been a certain entry on the subject the journal has since been purged.
At least, I hope I played a role in her exile from the internet.
Probably not.
Anyway I found a suitable replacement in "Ramblings from the dark room" and it's my favorite series of events: agree that you're 14 or older to get in, then agree you're 14 to read each entry. Gentlemen, we are in flavor country.
You might remember her from this entry about stuff called THE BATTLEFIELD AWAITS.
I actually had to reread what I wrote to remember my problem with her and I think I figured it out. All I remember was she was all up on my tits.

I'm back from vacation, that is - not to be confused with being back in the saddle. :) And I realized today that I'm a sneaky, untruthful, semi-controlling, mindfreak. I should've been a lawyer...I've known it all along, but I'm just now admitting it to myself.

See what I mean? Who's proud that they should be a lawyer? That's like saying "yeah I should be a bloodsucking leech, pretty awesome, isn't it?" NO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I know things that I shouldn't know because I've obtained information in ways I shouldn't have, but it's all part of the game, I guess.

>obtain information
>ways you shouldn't
Alien concept to me.

She leaves for military duty this week...she will be gone for 4 days. I think we need the break. A week of being couped up inside a car with someone really tests ones patience. LOL She leaves Thursday morning, so I will be a free bird on Thursday night....

Why would you even be with this person if you say shit like that?
And now I'm supposed to act like their lovers' tiffs are funny when I'm just sitting here getting fucking angry.

Dear Carnival,
Thank you for ruining my dream vacation and Elphie's first {real} vacation ever.

No don't care.
Another entry dedicated to her trouble planning a cruise. We should all have such problems.

Headed straight for the weekend (no pun intended - currently I am living and loving the lesbian lifestyle)!

Ohhhhhhh. Yes. I remember now. Apparently she had a happy life and a kid or some shit then decided she wanted to be a lesbian (or came to the deep spiritual conclusion she is a lesbian however that happens) and then she proceeded to blame everyone but herself for the ensuing chaos. Also she fails to mention that poor spawn she had.
I think I see why I only feel revulsion for flowergrl2.
I feel like I pick on gay people or transsexual people a lot in these blogs and I promise it's not any sort of deep hatred of gays (specifically) it's generally my deep hatred of my fellow man and there just happens to be a lot of gay people on Livejournal.

Elphie has military duty this weekend so she won't be anywhere near me.. :( I miss her when she's gone...especially at night in bed (and not just because of the {usually} great sex!!), I just enjoy sleeping together.

Yeah.
Yeah--
Why did I quote this again?

Dual counseling today....more carpooling...money saved....gym at 6am...vacation unknown...lunch in the park....job security null and void. That's my life in one sugar-coated little nutshell! :)

Duel counseling sounds like an awesome job.

Elphie and I are fine. I'm slowly learning to communicate with her more effeciently and not just get lost up in my own head so quickly when "issues" present themselves, followed by stuffing things down into my "numb" file where they are forgotten and left for dead.

What the fuck am I reading?
Who thinks about themselves this much (besides everyone on the internet)?

I'm trying to remain positive about the twists and turns of life. Elphie assures me she's not going anywhere and that makes me feel secure...love is all that really matters, after all - right?

No I'm pretty sure there's more in life that matters than just love.
Well, relatively. I guess ultimately nothing really matters but you get what I mean.

Nothing too incredibly interesting today...I guess I could state that sometimes Elphie and I seem kinetically connected and other times we seem worlds apart. The other night, out of nowhere, she cuddles up to me in bed and her hands go directly "downtown." Now, this girl knows me..she knows what I like in bed.

I honestly get the impression this woman isn't really a lesbian and she's just doing this out of some sort of childish sense that it's something naughty that she shouldn't be doing.
I'd also like to point out "kinetically connected" doesn't make a ton of sense. That'd literally be "connected through motion".
Which, actually-- yeah, you do seem to be connected just because you're going through the motions.

She knows what it takes to get me going. As I type this, I'm thinking it almost feels as if she was trying to spark a fight with me or something. She did her thing for a few minutes until I, realizing this scenario was going to produce nothing for me, rolled over and began to kiss and love on and touch her.

It's like reading about a 13 year old's first sexual encounter. Everyone has the right parts that kind of work now but no one quite knows what to do with them--

I figured if she was attempting to bring me pleasure, she must want some, right?! WRONG!

Rush of bizarre memories-- anyone remember that move Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
YOU HAVE TO COOPERATE WITH US, RIGHT?
WRONG!
and then he shot the guy in the fucking face. Man I should watch that movie tonight.

She became instantly pissed off and withdrawn. She immediately turned over and started crying. All the while I was trying to talk to her and calm her down. She was muttering things like "...you aren't attracted to me anymore...you don't like the way I touch you...this is all over...you don't want me touching you..." YIKES!

Know what you ladies need? A little Marvin Gaye.
Not the song to use obviously but it's my favorite.

I just held her while she broke down cuz there was no talking her down off of the ledge...I've learned! She finally came back around... I told her I simply wasn't in the mood and didn't want to fake an orgasm just to appease her while deceiving her at the same time.

Heh, women. Double the women, double the crazy, am I right guys?

She was still a little hurt and started comparing our relationship to that of her last one where sex was used as a weapon.

Ha, another bizarre thought just occurred to me. Remember that scene in Black Ops where Weaver (or Mason or someone I can't keep these characters straight) started yelling about how Nova 6 becoming weaponized?
Ha, yeah. Sex has become weaponized. And then you assassinate JFK.
Anyway--

Finally I got her to understand that the fact that I couldn't cum without any type of foreplay whatsoever had nothing to do with her ex or her prior relationship and more to do with me just needing something extra.

I finally got her to understand she's being irrational, Christ all mighty.

She claimed (after her mental breakdown) that she has ESP of sorts and that it's a trait she gets from her mother. (gag)

Wow. What?
I never thought I'd say this but this makes lesbian sex seem really boring and melodramatic.
I guess this is closer to reality but I dunno.

Elphie and I have been doing ok - steady as she goes. Sunday we had a major malfunction however and I was hurt by her actions and words. Let me back up briefly... Saturday she was extremely sick..she had a migraine headache and was all stuffed up and basically just had a really hard time.

Did I tell you guys I hit leatherworking fatigue yesterday? Too much tanning--
Yeah, check it out:
You can tell by the yellow numbers at the bottom (usually they're white) also her "leatherworking bonus" has increased. No one is quite sure what that means or what they plan to do with it but suffice it to say I'm not wasting wind shards not getting full SP.
I was hoping it would reset today since I'm pretty sure I started leatherworking day 1 but apparently I didn't. It'll probably be Friday or Saturday or some fuck like that.
Oh well, I'll just gather wind shards and level alchemy and weaving until then. Be ready to muscle to fatigue again, YEAAAAAH SON.

Anyhoo...I allowed her to rest while I cleaned..she pretty much slept and stayed in bed all day. I would bring her meds, and drinks, and hot compresses and food...she didn't have to lift a finger. I was genuinely concerned about her health and just wanted her to get better. Finally, Saturday night around 10pm she started to come around.

No time to search the world around
'cause you know where I'll be found
when I come around

We discussed doing all the things on Sunday that we had planned for Saturday but were unable to accomplish due to her being sick, which included going to the gym, going out for coffee, going to Costco and Barnes & Noble...just little things.

I heard it all before
so don't knock on my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
to try and slag me down 'cause I know you're right

I went into full-on pout mode...I got in the car and hauled ass home. No more room for errands...

What's happening?
Oh I skipped like three paragraphs because I suddenly remembered a Green Day song.

We got to the Barnes & Noble part and that's where the story takes a bad turn. I'm sitting in one of the aisles minding my own business, reading a book I had taken an interest in. Suddenly Elphie comes up to me in a rushed pace and quiet voice..."I just saw Sam." ok.......?? I didn't say anything... "I said hi..." ok........? I nodded and put my head back down in my book. She sat down next to me..."ready to go?" Ummmm, no. **I should explain - Sam is her ex-girlfriends dad.** I looked up and said "no, not really - are you trying to tell me you want to go?" I am reading her body language and covert voice inflections here...she is petrified that the ex is going to barge in to Barnes & Noble and cause a scene of sorts.

Usually it's good writing to put new dialogue into its own paragraph. I've had stories that go several pages without a full line because there's a dialogue between two people. You don't have to wall up, here.
It has what we in the business call "momentum" and makes for a quicker, enjoyable read instead of some fuck.
Starts to feel like an actual conversation between two people, you know?

then my head starts swimming...does she not want to be "seen" with me? Is she afraid seeing the ex will churn up old feelings?

I like how you call her unreasonable but look at this shit.
Goddamn.
Anyway I have this completely awesome plan to get leatherworking to 50. My plan is so genius I'm not even going to share it with other people yet.
On a completely unrelated note: if you're on Lindblum and have buffalo hides, sheepskin or Gigantoad skin I'm paying top dollar.

Is she truly afraid of a scene? Who would really cause a scene in a bookstore? She knows this girl rather well after spending six years with her - she should know how she's going to react. All of these things started running thru my pissed off mind... I grabbed my stuff, got up, walked to the front of the store to pay for the books I was reading. I am being KICKED OUT OF A STORE BECAUSE THE EX MIG

HT WALK IN????? BULLSHIT!!!!!

TOP DOLLAR. Don't try to sell me dodoskin though.

Apparently nothing was juicy about Elphie's counseling visit last week...if it was - I am failing to recall it. :)

HELLBENT FOR LEATHER, WISHIN' MY GAL WAS BY MY SIDE--
Man you're just a gross person. Writing all this fuck like anyone gives a fuck, acting like a complete twit while expecting others to do and act in ways you cannot or will not?
What the fuck is wrong with you, anyway? Is it even healthy to be this wrapped up in another person even if you're "in love" which is apparently the only thing that matters?
I think a lot more matters. Like progress and knowledge and shit.
No but you're intellectually dead inside. You probably don't even fully understand this feeling you call love. It's just a vestigial word for an emotion you've never truly felt. You've just heard about it and reckon your girlish crush on another girl is the genuine article. I swear to fuck everything you write just screams "high school drama" and "forbidden love" even though no one really gives two shits. What, did you miss out on that in high school (not missing much) and decided now would be the time at the ripe age of 33?
Fuck.
Anyway tomorrow is a new day. No rest for the wicked.