Oh hi

Today is one of THOSE days. It's an "obnoxious Monday" if you don't know what I mean.
Naturally, an obnoxious blog is in order to compound my already mounting migraine. I took pills (grabbed some peelz for those of you familiar with drug culture like myself) but I can feel it edging through them.
雪の失楽園 is our blog today. Or no, my mistake, 雪の楽園。 Sorry, subtle but distinct difference.
"yuki no rakuen" which is, quite literally, "pleasure garden's snow". "Snow of a pleasure garden" is how I'd translate it probably, but both make about as much sense as each other. Whereas what I wrote first is "yuki no shitsurakuen" which is "snow of paradise" which makes (slightly) more sense in my opinion.

Ah. Life is life. What are we to do?

Profound wisdom from snow of the pleasure garden (sounds like a sexual euphemism every time I see it).
"SNOW" of the "PLEASURE GARDEN" WINKING EMOTICON ;3

People are mad because they're being stupid and I was standing up for a friend today. Why would make a comment like that to me?!

I think you're missing a critical pronoun, brosef.

You know we've been best friends since grade 6. I have no idea why. It isn't even what she said, it was HOW she said that bothered me. No, there's nothing wrong, your additude just needs a slight adjustment! :D

What?

So, I'm on a total Shugo Chara surge right now and it's lovely! SOOOO ADORABLE! I WANT PHOTOSHOP BACK SO I CAN MAKE ICONS FOR MYSELF!! >////<>
What?

I WANT A NEW LAYOUT! >( Gr. Jin come back! T^T Or stupid Lj could let me put up the one from Joe. . . . but no that would be way too easy now wouldn't it?! *huff*

What? Hi!

So I think I'm getting paid Thursday/Friday so I can pay my dad back and freakin' order my CD's that I FLIPPING ASKED FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!! Why don't parents listen? WHY?! Just those 4 CD's that's all I wanted. *sighs*

I hear there's this thing called the "internet" where you can "torrent" "CDs" but I don't know because I'm typing this through a BBS on a 286 and listening to my tapes right now, so I don't know.

Over the summer I will buy myself a small TV to put in my room so I can put the Wii and PS2 in here. I WILL! I WILL! I WILL! I'm going to do my Wii fit and finish those games one way or another! >:3

WII FIT YO HARDCORE GAMER AHOY!

So Dissida and 358/2 come out on the same day it looks like so I'll need to put some money away for those when they come out unless Mom will pay since she pre-ordered them for me. . . hmmm. . .

Wow Final Fantasy Dissidia AND a Kingdom Heart's game. You are hardcore.

AND YOU! Follower! Go to http://www.uniqueskins.com/

No.
Okay I lied. I did click on it :3c

Is that not awesome?!

I guess but my PS2 has a fliptop case so I can play imported games, so I'm probably way more fucking cool than you are.
Oh that's right, you can't actually read Japanese so that would be of no real use to you, but for those of us with actual talent in the realm of languages it's fucking great.

And Edward off of FFIV sucks for dying so much in my game. Offically.

His only ability is "hide" (and sing but that's equally faggoty). I think that should be an indication of his fighting prowess.
And she links a video about Final Fantasy XIII. This was old news even when she posted it.

Okay so thankfully only 11 days of school left and 12 days of Hell. Chem can die. Honestly, it can die for all I care now. STUPID STUPID STUPID CLASS! >:( AWFUL! HATE HATE HATE

*takes a deep breath* HATE!

Okay. I'm good for the moment. Moment being the keyword there.

Die.

THE SIMS 3 CAME OUT YESTERDAY AND ITS AMAZING! LOVE!

Wii Fit, Kingdom Hearts AND The Sims? Fuck, so hardcore! I bet you're equally excited for the new Wii blood pressure cuff or whatever the fuck, right?

(Its not really that slow I just put all my graphic setting really high so it doesn't look like crap when playing it. I HATE crappy settings! )

So you'd rather play on settings your computer can't handle (and get less than 10 frames per second I bet) than deal with worse graphics?
Great trade off. Just look at screenshots at that point, Christ.

To top it off, I'm a full time worker over the summer break. No fun for Amber, just WORK WORK WORK!

Amber. Hi, Amber.

So I when I went in to get this in I was in the meeting thing and they were telling me what they were going to do and what was going to happen.

I-- what?
One of her tags for this entry is "disgusting" but I think that summarizes this entire blog nicely instead of just one entry.

So you know? I am beginning to realize how useless people are becoming.

Becoming?

They are back stabbers and idiots and use people to further themselves a head and don't even bother thinking about the people they're hurting in the process.

There's that brilliant descriptive power at work again!

TODAY IS KAGGIE-CHAN'S BIRTHDAY!

*huggles*

>huggles

Glad my favorite song has an awesome reaction image in it so now I can listen to that song when I look back over this entry and then say "HEY I'M LISTENING TO THAT SONG RIGHT NOW!" when I do it.
My life is all kinds of fascinating.

Here's most of KAT-TUN's QoP Cd and Koki's solo!

Hey look, more words I know.

Akward sex scene *shudders* ek.

ACKward sex scene. That's how I read that.

Words are man's greatest weapons. They can cut deeper than any knife and linger longer and more painfully than any physical scar can.

I'm sure the Hiroshima survivors would agree.

Yesterday I apparently over stepped my bounds as a 'friend' and accidentally hurt some one very dear to me when I all I meant to do was find out what people were talking about.

Ha, ha girls are dumb.

My fandoms, my life, my problems, things I enjoy...I can't share that with RL anymore.

No one wants you to share your fandoms with them. No one really gives a shit how cute Cloud and Sephiroth would be together. Most people played that game (12 years ago, I might add, but you were probably an infant then and don't remember it so whatever) enjoyed it and moved on with their lives.
MEANWHILE WITH CAPTAIN ANNOYING CUNT, FINAL FANTASY VII GAY FANFICTION!

So I will not bother you with my excitement over the KH game coming out in August, I won't bother with movie excitement anymore.

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK, CHRIST. Or find friends who are equally excited. THIS ISN'T HARD.

I'm back into final fantasy in a big nasty way. I thought I could try and finish X but I'm so screwed.

Ha, ha, stuck in Final Fantasy X. Casualfag.
Sorry I should be nicer to you, Amber. I've probably been playing RPGs longer than you've been alive.
No, I'm just kidding. You suck. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
All right this has dragged on long enough.

I do love bad poetry

I like it even more when the font is size .5 and italicized. Class act, you.
Today we open with a poem, and it's my favorite kind: it's sort of a riddle.
Let's try and solve this riddle.

The clever people they all cry
You cannot patrol the skies
Men were born without their wings
So stop thinking of such things

I'm going to guess the Wright Brothers.

Your mind it runs wild with you
And they say it will not do
Look at what's before your eyes
Don't waste time by wasting time

Don't waste time by wasting time. That's profound. I don't know who this is, now.

And though you know that shadows lurk
When you tell them it does not work
You cry yourself to sleep at night
You should not, since it's you who's right

Going with Perseus, who killed Medusa.

And I don't know if you've heard
Impossible is just a word
They are all just simply fools
Living life by their concrete rules

Yeah, Perseus.

I tell you that it won't be long
They'll realise that they were wrong
You have what they have lacked
Impossible is not a fact

Or maybe it is the Wright Brothers.

It's weird how when you get older you get interested in new things, or should that be natural? Haha, I think so.

No that's very unnatural. You're supposed to always be interested in the same things until the day you die.

Every night my estranged brother and mother watch The Drs. and if they talk to me, they'll ocassionally tell me that they offer great advice concerning your health, what I don't understand is that every time I go and try to watch it they talk about sex.

>estranged
>talking to them occasionally
hrm. I guess "estranged" does literally mean "to make strange" or to alienate, so estranging a relative wouldn't necessarily imply not speaking to them, but that is common knowledge of how the word works, I think.

Set your calender for June the 6th.

Done. Why am I doing this?

It's drawing day. Two days to go AND I DONT HAVE MY SKETCHBOOK WITH ME!

Oh you draw then. Wow, you really think that warrants me marking my calendar? You are full of yourself.
HEY, SET YOUR CLOCK FOR 9 PM, PEOPLE!
Why would I do that?
I'M GOING TO PLAY FINAL FANTASY THEN!

There are many sites promoting this day and to get things heated up some even prepared contests and the grand prize is Wacom Bamboo Grahics Tablet!

I see, so it's a sort of internet holiday.

I read some in spite of the fact I'm too proud of my individuality and would rather rot than to get near a tutorial.

Oh wow you must suck at drawing. I REFUSE TO LEARN FROM ANYONE BECAUSE LEARNING FROM THE MASTERS WOULD BE COPYING THEM! Don't flatter yourself, I seriously, seriously doubt you are even 1% of the talent Da Vinci was.
Since I'm sure you draw animu, I doubt you could even approach some of the better artists in that style.

Just imagine following a work on someone's Guide To Drawing book, spending countless minutes, many hours and several days trying to make that character perfect to your own standard.
I personally don't think this will help give diversity to a person's imagination, instead limit it.

Or you could, you know, copy them until you get the fundamentals down and then figure out your own style?

He actually drew a woman's womb raw, what I mean is he actually looked at it in some hospital and started sketching it.If you read more about him, don't forget to see his other sketches, you could see that they're very accurate to the human anatomy and that's what I meanby going natural.

No they fucking were not. Look at that picture and then a real womb and tell me it's perfectly round like that. Da Vinci came from the early Renaissance when artists were still clearly influenced by geometric shapes. They were fairly anatomical but to say they are VERY ACCURATE is a fucking exaggeration and you know it.

If you're still perplexed by my thoughts, then just go outside your house or your university and try drawing that stray cat that's drinking water out of a alluminum cup.

Yeah I'm still perplexed by them because you're too much of a genius for my plebeian mind to comprehend, what with such brilliant suggestions as "draw from real life!" and "study models!" God you're a cunt.
Also it's spelled "aluminum" you idiot.

Instead, I'll live you wondering what you'll draw next, what image would you like to capture on paper using your pencil, color, fire and what-else-is-there.
Just keep wondering and imagining.

I'm going to leave you with the word "hubris". I suggest looking it up.

Anyways, I am looking forward for their latest "明日の記憶" which will be released next week.

"ashita no kioku" or "tomorrow's memories". See, I can read Japanese too. It's not difficult.

Last Wednesday I lost my sketchbook, and on Monday, my Dochan found it while we were leaving the bus!
May God Bless you always with goodness! Thank you really!

I hope Nemesis damns you for your pride.

Maybe, I should have explained to them that Christianity is as Islam in this aspect. Good Christians do not have pre-marital sex.
Such an act is again the ten commandments and in fact, dying a virgin is considered a holy act.

Like so many things Christianity, I see they thought this one through.
Everyone dies a virgin. We have a problem.

Personally, I don't consider myself a good christian in terms of visiting mass, praying everyday or fasting during Good Friday (though I am slowly doing my best to strength my ties with God and my soul) But this shouldn't illustrate that I disobey God's words!

Yes, because it's you perhaps your god will overlook your transgressions.
And that's it. The rest of what's left is just her dumb drawings which are kind of okay, I suppose.

Oh My

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

I feel like I've run as far away as I can from who I am.

Metaphorically, presumably, since running from yourself is, of course, impossible.

I have completely changed my body, my lifestyle, my profession, my social and sexual habits... I am just a piece of who I am.

Uhh... I'm going to assume she means "a piece of who she was" otherwise that makes even less sense than I expected. How can you be more than you are? That doesn't even make sense. What, are you like Alpharius from Warhammer? One soul in two bodies?

I am something new and confusing.

SOMETHING SPECIAL AND UNIQUE, AND ALSO A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER--

I look back into my past, and I miss what I had and who I carried myself as. I was as open and vulnerable as a beautiful new flower, fully bloomed.

Fuck I was making fun of you, but you're serious.

Now I am a cactus. Can I go back? Would I really want to? Or did I get to this point as a defense mechanism?

Not sure where this is going now. Maybe it's time to drop the analogy and talk in more literal terms?

I wish I was prettier now. I wish I had more followers.

What, are you a cult now? By "followers" do you mean "friends"? If that's the case I think I see why everyone hates you.

I don't know that anything specific is wrong; I just think I deserve better than what I get right now.

Ha, ha, oh you. You "deserve" nothing. You get what you earn. Sometimes it's less than you expect, but your expectations and reality often are separate.

I work really hard at everything I do: my job, my chores, my appearance.

So do a lot of people. What's your point?

I am winning in so many ways, but this relationship is totally stagnant right now. It hurts and makes me feel so heavy sometimes. The feeling of unwantedness is like a heavy anchor, yanking me out of the clouds and into an abyss of loneliness and self-doubt.

Christ, could you be any more melodramatic?

My memories feel as dangerous and taboo as thinking about sex at work.

Uhhhhhhh, what?

I dare not tread on the images and haunting voices in my dreams.

What, are your dreams Promyvion from Final Fantasy XI? (hi references only I get)

I don't feel like complaining.

So... I guess the last paragraph and a half were something you didn't want to do, huh?

I need to get in touch with the spiritual side of myself again. I need to find my soul.

What is a soul, exactly? Define it. Is it your memories? Your emotions? Both? The essence of who "you" are? In which case it would be inseparable from your body, since your body and brain chemistry control all of these things.
You're silly for thinking there's a separate "essence" that has thus far remained undetected.
You're you. You're always you. You can never stop being you. If you've changed, then that's you changing. Somewhere along the line you wanted, or needed (or thought you needed) to change. That's it.
And aren't you glad? What if you were someone else? Yeah, it might be better, but it also might be a lot worse.

I feel a black hole inside me that is killing me from the inside.

No if you had a block hole inside you that'd be the end. You would be dead.

Atheism is devastating. I am not strong enough to live without a belief in something, even if only my personal strength and ability to change the world.

Err atheists can still believe in their own personal strength, or in the ability of society to perform, or even faith in (oh God) humanity. Atheism is just the rejection of supernatural beings, spirits, etc. No, lack of faith in anything at all would be cynicism.

Everyone was too chickenshit or self-absorbed to even ask if I was ok.

Ha, ha, ha, oh you. Classic case of "pot calling kettle black" I think.

I wish someone had just helped me. I wish someone had tried to find out what happened. I wish someone had tried to make me talk about it.

No, fuck you. Help yourself. The world isn't here to make *you* feel better every time you fall down and scrape your knee.
What is this bullshit? OH ALL MY DREAMS DIDN'T COME TRUE EVERYONE CHEER ME UP!

Here I am four or five years later, still singing the same song. How ugly! How black this world is to step on my flower buds.

Again, the world didn't step on your flower buds (whatever that means) the world doesn't even know you. Something unfortunate happened. You can either make it better on your own accord, or try to, or do what you're doing: being a total fucking cunt about it.
Given how this delightful journey has gone so far, I'm guessing it's all bitching from here on.

Buddhists believe that life is suffering. It is. But Buddhists also train to meditate on all emotions, especially suffering, to convert it into positive emotions like joy.

Actually Buddhism teaches we only know good feelings in relation to bad ones, so in a way, as you said, "all life is suffering" but the goal isn't to "convert" bad ones into good ones, the point is to transcend all emotions.

I've been struggling with this load for several years.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No end to my suffering cycle in sight. *sigh*

Actually Buddhism, like all religions, is a search for the truth and not just an escapist mechanism to end transient bad feelings, but whatever. Also many Buddhists devote themselves to meditation and contemplation and self denial. Not only that, but they do a lot of charity work and shit like that.
Self denial and thinking about someone other than yourself, I suspect, is something you're very unfamiliar with.

The Best Times you fucked me were by surprise. I can still remember feeling your pants around your ankles as you bent me over in my kitchen so many years ago.

Oh good grief.

The diamond-like stars in the sky drop wishes to Earth every day.

As opposed to the diamond-like stars in the Earth that fly wishes into the sky every day. Also isn't this a line from Mario RPG?

This week I broke my vow to leave you alone forever when I found you online.

A man is only as good as his word (a woman, her word, whatever). Scum.

I had this dream in August 2004, right before we broke up. I had a dream that I was in my "warm place" in the wedding dress I picked out. I was barefoot, and I saw the remains of a fire. I approached the charred wood and noticed a branch warped like a pretzel. I picked it up carefully.

I'm starving. I wonder if there are any soft pretzels about.
Oh, right, sorry. DO CONTINUE.

It was an infinity symbol. The ashes dirtied my lily white feet. Only a month later I called the wedding off.

The infinity symbol. A symbol of power. Earthly power, typically. That's why it's frequently depicted above The Magician's head in Tarot.

If it's not a spell, then something else paranormal is going on.

I think the clinical term is "stone cold fuck nuts".

But who cared? Who honestly gave a shit?

No one. Wait, no one does care.
Why am I still here posting about this?
I'm going to go get a delicious pretzel or something now.