u wnt sum fuk

Gotta TALK ABOUT THE FANDOM TEE HEE I'M A GIRL
Fucking goddamn it

My dashboard currently has its fair share of the movie Les Misérables going around, and it is giving me such torn feelings. I ship Graintaire/Enjolras, because come on, it's so easy to, but I also loathe both characters. They are godawful annoying! (in the book. I haven't seen the movie. Yet?)

Fanfiction about Les Miserables.
All right.
What is there to say about this, really?
I also hate how they've invented a verb: "ship"
I PUT THESE CHARACTERS IN A RELATIONSHIP
SHIP MY OTP I'M A GIRL
You know not to put too fine a point on this shit but when you get men writing you get They Odyssey, Dante's Inferno and Neuromancer.
When you get women writing you get fanfiction, 50 Shades of Gray and Twilight.
Just Saiyan.

If I do keep reading beyond this point, it will probably be out of some bizarre determination not to let the racist asshole control what I do, even if what I'm doing is reading said racist's work.

I did always believe Hussie about wanting the human characters to be 'aracial', since he gave skintones to the characters that were of known race, like the celebrities, and even to the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff characters. It's much more obvious that he was thinking of them as white while writing them, but at least fandom could play around with interpretations and Hussie's occasional obnoxiousness about the whole thing was mostly easy to ignore. But now!

There was a link to a webcomic.
I didn't understand it.
After much research into the matter I've discovered it's related to a webcomic called Homestuck which is some hack bullshit women like to whine about.
Apparently the characters have ambiguous race traits.
Which 1. whoa so creative Judge Dredd did that like 30 fucking years ago
and 2 who gives a fuck? So what if all the characters are white?
That doesn't really
that doesn't make you racist.
I've seen movies where the entire cast was black people. Are they racist for not casting white people?
What about Kung Fu movies? Most of those are Chinese and cast 100% Chinese people.

Why am I even surprised, though, it was obvious he was this kind of edgy white dude since forever. I'm just not used to him being so egregious about the racism. He couldn't just let go of the fact that people want representation, and keep writing the kids as white as he liked? It's not the ideal answer but at least it's one that I was already used to.

Doesn't make him racist
just because every white woman under the age of 30 wants to be filled in all holes with black cock doesn't mean someone is racist for not playing into your bullshit race fantasies.
Remember that book a few months ago that all the social justice warriors were up in arms about?
About that white girl that survived after the Ozone layer went down or some shit?
They were so offended at the racism
"So"
"offended"
and totally weren't turned on.
I'm trying to read this Homestuck thing and I'm just clicking like a madman waiting for the semblance of a plot to emerge.
It's like the world's most tedious point and click adventure game but instead of you doing all the tedium you're watching some asshole fail at it.
Who reads this garbage?

Over the weekend I rewatched Thor, to see how I felt after having fallen for Avengers, and I really enjoyed it. A surprising amount, considering I didn't like it much at all the first time I watched it. This is starting to look like a worrying trend for Marvel flicks. How does one movie fandom, anyway? It has real people in it, who does that! (It's been a long time since Pirates of the Caribbean and I'm out of practice.)

How do you be a fan of a movie?
Here's what you do.
You watch the fucking thing.
End of fucking discussion.

 Wonderful: When people are really glad to see the next part of your ongoing fic. Phew, also thank you deeply.

Problematic: Shit!!! You like the developing plot? There isn't one! They're going to talk and gaze lustfully upon each other for the rest of the story. There's a hug, I mean it's a helluva clinch, but plot...

(There's never a plot. My fics are about people engaging in sufficient dialogue that circumstances are eventually revealed to be sad/romantic/sexy/amusing. I live in fear that someday people will discover this so sshh, it's a secret.)

Lol fanfiction.
Seriously.
People read this shit.
Anyway it's Friday night motherfuckers and I got shit to do.

Fanfiction and Fat Fucks

Fanfiction is 18 levels of disturbing I don't even want to get into. Why are all these women writing violent sex fanfics? Sounds like you all need a sound fucking to me. That's the only rational excuse for this bullshit I can come up with.
Of course, woman writing violent domination and humiliation fanfiction starring two men.
King Arthur and Merlin, naturally.
I mean can you think of any two better candidates for this treatment than the King of the Bretons and the wily mage?
I certainly can't.
I suspect this has less to do with ancient Breton mythology and more to do with there's a TV show about it.
Also this layout, despite being incredibly douchey, is definitely readable.
So there's that, I suppose.

What other foreign languages do you know? Which one(s) do you want to learn?

The amount of honesty to this question surprised me. I was expecting three major answers: Russian shit no one can read, LOL JAPANESE ^_^ and the snooty faggot "French and Italian because I'm high class" and yet most people were willing to admit they barely passed high school Spanish.

American English, Japanese, Spanish, & Mandarin Chinese. Enough Latin, Italian, Korean, Egyptian and Modern Arabic to get around, and can read French, and Portuguese.

I'm trying on the German, I really am!

And then we come to this answer.
There's a part of me, and it's a large part, that's calling bullshit on this. You've managed to learn Japanese, Mandarin to fluency (apparently) and "enough to get around" of Arabic and Korean and yet you're struggling with German?
I'm not buying it.
Also, take me to the part of the world where you need Latin to get around.

Hey everyone.

I want to let everyone know I am doing fine. I am recovering. : ) Thank you all for your kind wishes.

Awwww what happened to my special buttercup?

I been able to write a few paragraphs, and draw a little, but nothing too big.

But, I do seem to be able to make small minor art at the moment, which means i can do shit, which means im a little happier and can get my mind off the funeral sunday. Maybe I can get back to full writing and drawing mode soon. How odd...

So, shimeji merlin it is then.

Must be something major to tame this amount of creativity!
Oh, funeral.
Somehow you've made the death of another about you.
Unsurprising but still.

hey everyone.

One of my good friends just recently died, so I'm putting this up while I'm still lucid and too numb. I wont be able to update anything for an unknown amount of time.

Should I post this on my main wip fills on kinkme as well?

My friend died
Should I post to Kinkme?
"Only you can answer that" would be my response.
What-- how do these thoughts even become related in your mind?
Friend died--
What is Kinkme?
I can guess but let's find out.
Seller of fine adult toys-- ah, an account she has for fanfiction of the kinky nature.
THIS EXISTS.
And here's some fanfiction.

Warnings: noncon, dubcon, bonds.

Uhhh--
Have you ever seen that episode of Spongebob where he has to go to the bathroom and the only labels on the door are a question mark and an upside down question mark and he's not sure which to use so he waits until someone goes in and it's just a series of sea monsters coming in and out?
I suddenly know how he feels.
There are warnings but I have no way of heeding them. This reminds me of my bottles of paint that are entirely in Spanish but then quite emphatically there's a skull, an exclamation point and a stick figure man on fire.
Oh boy.

Summary: Now, she is the only thing he misses, looks forward to, and he hates himself for it.


Merlin lies in the darkness.

He has lain there for such a long time. He doesn’t know how many hours or days, he’s been here. The minutes stretch by uncounted. He could have been lying here for years and not have known it, as his mind grows duller, breaking down, succumbing to the madness.

I think you'd know if you were lying there for years.
Also I'd like to point out Merlin is one of three figures in Breton mythology who can raise the dead.
Another is Christ so that's pretty fucking powerful.
And the other is some witch but let's not dwell on that.
Merlin's sorcerous power approaches that of Christ himself.
Obviously he wants to be tied up because there's little physically stopping him, I'm guessing.

He has begun looking forward to Morgause’s visits.

Almost.

It is the warmth, he misses. He is sure that is what he desires. The warm fire from the torch, the witch brings with her.

I'd like to point out Merlin doesn't really fear her in any story I've ever read, he just lets her troll Arthur so he'd learn some lesson about chivalry or something.
So this goes on and on like this and then it just ends.
Great.

Only my art muse is awake today. That being said, anyone want some art for their fic? : )

I wish I had an image to encompass how douchey these two sentences but I don't.
I don't blame myself, though. I don't think such a beast exists.

I came out to my grandparents today. We were sitting in the living room, watching those old westerns, when I told them " I like men...a little."

THIS IS A MAN?
HA.

My grandfather leaned over, and told me in the deepest southern accent " you're now just fucking figuring this out?"

Well, needless to say I received enough hugs to last a lifetime, and I was the only one who cried(a little!)

Seriously, Christ all mighty. I was never so confident this was a woman.
You'd think I'd fucking learn, though. Never, ever commit to a statement of gender until you've seen then naked. You just cannot tell.

So, all I wanted to say to everyone out there was, thank you for your wonderful fanfictions, and simply being awesome people. : ) I think I may write a 'coming out' story for Merlin now.

Maybe it's because I'm such a mythologyfag but writing coming out stories for Merlin seems especially tacky to me.

I'll be right back, I need to go have a good cry.(I never actually stopped. All well, fuck it!)

Yes, congratulations.
Can we, for once, not make this a self-indulgent production?
Of course not, I was just being rhetorical.
Or "ironic" if I'm feeling hipster.
Oh boy, another fanfiction entry.

Summary: “How dare you talk to me like that, I am the King!” Arthur spat, brandishing his sword. He didn’t know the strange naked youth, nor did he care.

BRANDISHING HIS SWORD, EH?
NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO DRAW PHALLIC CONNECTIONS TO A SWORD, HAR.

The heavens mourned as the almighty sat within the council of gods. He wept, they all wept, as they watched one of their mortal children, destroy all he saw. Like a plague his forces swept the land, leaving nothing but death in its passing.

They sent the ruler visions, pleading him to stop the wars.

‘King Arthur, of the house of Pendragon, the son of Uther, and the godson of the Almighty god Constantine,’ they plead,

>God
>Constantine
Errr--
I think we have some confused mythology, here.
Although it was popular opinion at the time that England descended from the line of Troy after the sac of Troy at the hands of the Achaeans--
So in a way--
no fuck it this is stupid.
So the gods command you to not conquer the land but instead fuck other men.
That's some theology.
Can I do neither or do I have to do one or the other?
I can't believe this is a man.
Speaking of:

Jissai has come to the realization that he may be just slightly...very slightly...what's the word here?

Ah, yes, slightly,little, pinch of gay.

Speaking in the third person, are you?
Also what point did you realize this? When you were writing masturbatory material prominently featuring gay sex?
Christ on a cross.
Picture he drew of two men in bed together--

Well, since I am still waiting on my fanfic muse to return, I have been drawing like there is no tomorrow on the merlin fancomic.

Fanfiction muse.
Gag.
That's the retarded half sister of the other muses.
She's missing an eye and half her jaw and has a club foot-- we don't talk about her.
Another fanfic with the warning "future violence" which sounds more up my alley. Let's see.

You can do this



You chant the words over and over again, in your mind.



Like a prayer, a frail hope that you cannot but predict will break and fall as its wings shatter and eyes go still.

Nope fuck it.
Also have you skipped enough spaces between sentences? Maybe I should start doing that so it looks like I've written more than I have.

Magic is evil. Unnatural. It corrupts and twists a man until nothing but a monster is left, greedy eyes wide, scanning the horizon in search for its next conquest.

Except all those good wizards.
Or burn the witch--
What stance do I take so I can disagree with this toolbag?
I feel like I have to disagree with him.
I mean before he's practically sucking Merlin's magic dick and now this.
Uuuuuh fuck it.
CALL THE POLICE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Dear Livejournal

Mood: Pensive
Today we have captain ellipsis which always gives blogs a pensive feel. Maybe it's how I read them in my head, I dunno.
Incidentally: prepare to delve into depravity.

Ok so this isn't an update to anything its just another piece of poetry?

Is it?
I don't know. Let's find out!

Forgive me.
I know not what I’ve done.
I know not what has angered you so.
Yet,
Its blame still rests in my palms.
Like a knife stabbed to the heart;
I am not the wielder,
Yet,
My hands are still drenched in blood.

Wow that's really--
wow.
I'm not even going to finish this.

My readers ... So something big is going on ... Not really a good thing in my case ... Anyway to make a long story short ... Smoething is going to cause me to be away from my computer for a while ... I'll have my itouch but updates could become even more slow ... I just wanted to tell everyone that I appreciate all the love and support you have given me ... I really do ^^ ...

She writes fanfiction, incidentally.
Comes as a huge surprise I'm sure.
Also I like how she starts with "my readers" like everyone was wondering where "keyjah94" was.
Keyjah being a common enough name for 1-93 to already be taken or Keyjah was born in 1994.
I'm voting on the latter.

Unfortunately I can't put all my sap and love into words at the moment cause that would take way to long~ I love you all lots and I'm sorry I haven't updated anything like I said I would ...

But I can't wait for the next chapter of Kesha meets Harry Potter! (Before you get too excited that's not really what her fanfiction is about. I don't know what her fanfiction is about.)
That's really sad that I've had to note that her fanfiction wasn't really about that because with fanfiction being as inbred and weird as it is that could have been a serious response on my part.

A/N: Hello people's!!! So as an apology for not updating anything, I decided to make a quick thing here ... Its kind of bittersweet ... sad ... but I really like the way I wrote it~ there's no names mentioned so it's your own opnion of who you view it as (but again ... i thought of my favourite pairing xP)

Can't have fanfiction without pairing.
That's why in everything I write I make sure to mention a girl or something briefly so if I ever do hit it big retards can pair my main character with "unnamed girl on page 5."
TRULY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

if your confused you can ask me what the heck is happening and I'll explain whatever needs to be~ I'd like to see your own opninon though so let me know your thoughts ...

if "your" confused come knock on my internet door and I'll pour you some Kool-Aid and we can talk about my fanfiction.
Oh my God this is so fucking long.
It's like three entire pages which, according to the old high school I taught at that is indeed an entire book.

The lingering chill in the air sends unknown shivers down my spine. I miss the warmth that used to wrap itself around me. I miss the warmth that you gave me.

Boooooring.

This house is still the same; the same as how I left it. The couch in the living room still had the imprint left from us. Remember how we would lay; you head on my chest, your arms and legs draped over me, your fingers laced with mine, you smile against my neck. We would lay together like that, not caring about what we were watching; just enjoying each others’ company. I miss those moments.

Not to toot my own horn too much but already the story I'm working on now contains threats of violence.
Also there's dialogue because dialogue usually pulls people in quicker than FUCKING NOTHING.

A new spot was now imprinted. The opposite side had the indent of one. One, who would sit alone, watching to take her mind off of everything, but failed. The shifts in the fabric showed how much stirring the one would do in order to try and forget. I touch that print and feel the same chill that I really despise.

It hurts.

So already I have about a million questions and I don't care about any of the answers.
YOU HAVE FUCKED UP.
Oh man it goes on like this for five fucking pages are you kidding me?
Oh here's another poem.
Goooood.

Love is blind.
Some people believe that saying;
Every day,
Every night,
Waiting,
Hoping,
Praying.
Praying that in their life,
They will open their eyes,
Look at the whole world,
And see only their soul mate.

Is this what girls really believe?
Oh here we go, full blown fanfiction.

Title: Darkness Part 1
Author: KeyJah
Characters/Pairings: Taeyeon, Yuri, Tiffany, Jessica, TaeNy, YulSic, TaeRi, JeTi, TaengSic, YulTi, small appearances by other SNSD members.

THOSE AREN'T WORDS.
I'll accept Yuri, Tiffany and Jessica as names but "YulSic" isn't a name.
JeTi.
Oh man it's my old high school again.
'''EY MAN THAT AIN'T PRONOUNCED "YOOL-SIC" IT'S PRONOUNCED 'EL-SEE'."
Well how about you get angry at your mother for not knowing how letters work instead of me?

Summary: Darkness can have many layers with depths beyond what we can believe. What happens when you pull into it? Pulling into the sin of lust and going lower for revenge? What happens when a simple thing at first, tumbles your world into the pits of blackness, begging to see the light again?

Hey wait that genuinely does sound exciting.
Lust and revenge do make a great combination.
Although "tumbling into the pits of blackness" sounds really emo.

-Previously-

They were caught; they were dead.

>previously
>this is part one

No one moved. Time had stopped. Someone needed to break the tension otherwise heads would explode. Tiffany took a few more glances between the two and put her head down just slightly.

“We perform in ten minutes.”

I'm going to Google this.
Something about "SNSD" seems familiar, somehow.
Oh--
OH.
Right.
So there's this Korean pop group of these hot chicks called "Girls' Generation" and their acronym for a reason I have no clear understanding of is "SNSD".
Must be a Korean thing.
Yes Wikipedia confirms in Korea they're called "So Nyuh Shi Dae."
S.N.S.D. I get it.
No I don't.
Fanfiction about a Korean pop group.
We've hit some kind of new low.
Skipping around because I'm not reading all this.

Jessica coldly released Yuri and began to turn away when Yuri grabbed her by the arm and hugged her.

“Sorry Sica.” The ice princess began to melt as always and hugged her back.

One of them was hotter than the rest and one was kind of ugly which I consider excellent casting.
I can't keep any of the names straight because frankly what madman could but that is what I know of Girls' Generation.
Or SNSD.
Or SO NYUH SHI DAE

How Yuri could be so calm despite what happened, she really didn’t even know herself. Seeing Jessica just put her in her place.

I'm going to go investigate which one was the hottest.
Yep found her.
I think I said I was going to marry her in an earlier post.
Somehow this is all starting to feel very cyclical.
Like I knew about this then I forgot then it came back and here we are--

Her mouth unconsciously opened as two fingers found their way to tease her further. Jessica’s other hand had wandered its way down into the fabric of Tiffany’s panties and twirled along her slit.

Wow I wish when I used to skim through my various readings for pussy sensitivity I'd run across lesbian porno.
This really did take a turn for the pornographic, what the fuck?
I mean I assumed fanfiction frequently is porno but I just expected slightly more-- what's the word?
Subtlety?

“YOU’RE BOTH GOING TO SUFFER! YOU’RE BOTH GOING TO HURT! KWON YURI YOU’RE GOING TO LEARN WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU FUCK UP! YOU’RE GOING TO KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE HURTS! YOU’RE GOING TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEONE!”

“JESSI-AHHHHHHHHH.” Jessica’s rapid fingers cause Tiffany to explode in ecstasy. Her hand flew up and grabbed Jessica’s hair.

Wow.
Violent lesbian rape.
I don't even know what the fuck anymore.
Ohhhh okay. The reason the first entry had a "previously on Dragonball Z" section was because there's a teaser that contains the first part of this story.
Wouldn't that be a prologue?
WHO KNOWS?

I really don’t get why people make such a huge deal about homosexuality. Did everyone lose their right to individuality?

Apparently so because it seems like 10/10 blogs I review the blogger is gay.

And I love how “touchy” the subject is.

I've never really spoken to someone where it was an issue.
Then again I generally don't talk to mutants like you do.
Oh God this is so fucking boring I'm about to pass out.
I think I'm going to go do something else with my life.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

HOLY SHIT GUYS.
I found a blog that presumed to teach me about the craft of creating a good character in fiction (of which I am the inestimable master) and, monstrous ego notwithstanding I found they had some decent enough points so I was curious as to what sort of fiction someone with almost some sense would generate.
Not to blow my wad too quick: it's Final Fantasy crossover fanfiction.
Also today's writer's block:

What do you so strongly believe in that you would march in the streets to support, and why?

I was having trouble coming up with an issue I cared enough about to overcome my hatred of outside and I couldn't come up with a single one.
Maybe if you had an "anti-humanity" rally I might endeavor to see that.

You may have heard about anti-vaccine rallies, where people who blame autism on public vaccination take to the streets to protest the vaccination schedule.



I consider these, put simply, bullshit.

I WOULD, however, take to the streets in a pro-vaccination parade, to show my support for medical science against the hordes of overemotional idiots seeking to destroy public health.

I knew a guy who was convinced they put mind control drugs in flu vaccines and then promptly got the flu every year.
Asshole. We would have looong rambling discussions about how evil the government is.
Guy was nuts, man.
That was a weird situation because I met him in a college class then met his fiancee in another class and had no idea they were engaged until I met both of them together and it was this weird "what the fuck" moment.

Short version: The world won't end if you don't put a romance in your stories, and if you can't do it right, you shouldn't do it to begin with.

Oh.
What the fuck?
Did I write this?

Few things are quite as painful as reading a "love story" that has all the passion and sensitivity of buying fish from a particularly untrustworthy salesman. We've all run into this before.


Presumably (my personal experience on the matter is limited), falling in love is a powerful experience. The rush of emotion, the uncertainty of acting on your attraction, the joy of success and pain of rejection - there's a reason poets talk about it so much and a reason "Love" is in the name of more Beatles songs than any other word, to the point Cirque du Soleil used it to title their show. And yet authors keep fumbling that ball.

Well what do you need to have an interesting romance?
Interesting people.
Know what most authors can't do?
Create interesting characters.
I'm not joking when I say creating interesting characters is your primary, secondary and tertiary concern because only about 5% of writing issues can't be solved by having interesting characters.
Fortunately the Greek model is as venerable as it is simple and effective: just take someone who is ordinarily completely badass and then give them a crippling tragic flaw that he can't overcome.
Resolution writes itself~

Perfunctory romances are the bane of both readers and video gamers.

Ironic you should mention "bane of video gamers" when you're writing crossover fanfiction between Final Fantasy X and XIII, both of which contain the most insufferable romance subplot (and main plot, somehow) imaginable.
Wow now he's (she's?) posting his (her?) music library.
It's as anime as you'd expect.

- Duran Duran, Greatest
- Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey OST

Hey wait this is my iPod.
Although of all the SMT games you pulled Strange Journey's original soundtrack out of your ass?
Serious?
Not Nocturne or any of the Persona games?
Whatever.
Maybe they're too mainstream, man.

Short version: It's fine for your main character to know information that the rest of the cast needs to learn, but please don't make them smug about it unless the situation calls for it.

Ok.
Never really had a situation where my main character knew something no one else did but then again my goal in writing isn't to make my main character a stand in for me who is perfect in every way and a glowing Christ child upon my fictional landscape.
Again a decent enough point but you could probably just extend it into "don't make your main character an insufferable twat."
Unless he's the villain.
Your goal is to get your audience to hate your main character by any means necessary, no matter how cheap.
I consider DBZ the prime example of this: how did Toriyama (author of DBZ shut up I'm a weeaboo faggot) get his audience to hate Nappa and Vegeta?
He had them blow a planet filled with innocent bug people up for no clear reason.
Sure it didn't make sense but it pretty much established them as power hungry assholes with almost no effort on his part and before the main character and main villain even met you're already rooting against Vegeta.
Even though I must say I appreciate his hatred for the alien.

We've all seen this one: Character A knows something Character B doesn't know. Character B needs this information at a key point in the plot. Character A dispenses it in a manner that reeks of "God, you would be so helpless without me". This may include references to eye-rolling, sighing, crossing of arms, rubbing of temples, or a thousand other little signs that Character A is irritated by having to tell this to Character B.

I can't say that I have, no.
Although there is a scene in The Odyssey where Odysseus emphatically tell s his crew not to open the giant bag that he's captured the winds in and then they do and he's rightfully angry at them.

Ever read anything by Keiran Halycon?

Can't say that I even know who that is.
Oh they write fanfiction.
What the fuck did you expect?
Holy shit this Final Fantasy crossover also includes the Powerpuff Girls.
Am I on drugs right now?
This is so shameful I can't even bring myself to read it.

Where fanfiction comes into this is with the "MY CHARACTERS ARE BETTER" angle. Let us consider "Operation: POWERPUFF" again.

In Mr. Corvello's story, there is a character named Lotus. She is the former teacher of Numbah 362, the head of the Kids Next Door in canon,

Oh my God people remember Kids Next Door let alone talk about canon or write fanfiction?
What the fuck, people?
Go outside you freaks.
So now I'm a bit confused. The writer of this blog was just bashing Operation: POWERPUFF and yet here it is posted. So apparently the writer is both bashing it and writing it?
Isn't that kind of skipping a step?
Oh well.

(The Emperor and Golbez are busily drinking, with the Man Called True nowhere in sight. The Emperor looks over his glass.)

Emperor: Ah… Our “friend” is currently out of commission, so until he gets back we’ll have to handle this. I’m not sure why, but he locked the doors and took the keys with him, so we don’t have much in the way of choice…

Golbez: This cannot be as bad as the last one.

Emperor: Mr. Harvey, I hasten to remind you he didn’t bring us back for two chapters. This can only end in tears. The longer we wait, the more it will hurt… Conjuring the story.

The Emperor appears to be breaking the fourth wall here.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'M SUPPOSED TO ALMOST LOSE TO HORUS.

Sorry this took so long people, but as you know, has been having technical problems.

Emperor: What “has been having technical problems”?

Laguna: (emerges from an Assist Portal) Fanfiction.net erases any mention of its own name, for some reason. (leaves)

So let me see if I understand this correctly: this is a Cartoon Network cartoon/Final Fantasy crossover fanfiction written as if it were a play (or a TV show I suppose) and this brilliant bit of work is used no less than three times in essays on examples of good fiction writing.
I am awestruck at the moment.
Incidentally the author's personal commentary is the part in bold so not only are we getting frequent asides from the nonplot in the form of stage direction but we're also getting frequent cuts so the author can comment on the technical problems inherent in this fanfiction.
I'm having difficulty imagining technical problems with a fanfiction but I guess your keyboard could break or something.
Just imagine during a TV show if the director stopped everything to walk in front of the camera to tell you what a bitch the lights were to set up.
I don't think TV would be quite the medium it is today had that happened.

Emperor: …ah.
Before I get started… I do not own rights to the song that appears in this chapter.

Golbez: Oh, dear…

Emperor: Translation: “I have no ability to fill all the space I want to fill, so I’ll steal someone else’s work!”

(The chapter is “Spaced Invaders”)
At the Moonbase prison complex, Father walked down a hallway.

Wow there's a song in text form.
Wooooooooooow.
Wooooooooooooooooooooow.

The next chapter of Op. PP is taking longer than expected. It's a longer chapter than normal, and frankly, I'm starting to burn out.

STARTING TO BURN OUT FROM THIS MASTERPIECE? I CAN SEE IT CLEARLY TOOK A TON OF CREATIVE EFFORT TO GENERATE.
Ohhhh I see what's happening.
So the author of this blog is commenting on the author of a fanfiction's writing and I'm commenting on the blogger's comments on the fanfiction.
This is meta as hell, man.
This is Mystery Science Theater inside Mystery Science Theater.
Of course while you can clearly tell my voice from the idiots I review I'm having some trouble with this.
In fact my frequent fuck ups block quoting still doesn't detract completely from who is speaking.
Oh and here there's even an explanation of what the fuck is happening.
Maybe.
I dunno let's see:

Brian Corvello and I were friends... once.

I should explain who the man is first. Brian Corvello ("Cyber Commander" on Fanfiction.net) is a New York resident who writes fanfiction. He specializes in Yu-Gi-Oh, but has also written a Powerpuff Girls/Codename: Kids Next Door crossover and a story based on The Life and Times of Juniper Lee. He's in his late thirties, but I'm seriously not sure if he watches non-children's programming.

So-- yes.
That is exactly what's happening here. I found an unfunny clone of myself who reviews fanfiction.
I guess the confusing part is this-- whatever appears to add dialogue to the already shitty fanfiction and the only way I can tell is the bold part is the blogger's-- man I'm confusing myself.
Time to take a step back and figure out what the fuck is happening.
Nope.
Welp.
Oh I never even posted this:
Up next: Thaumaturge.
Anyway this has been a very confusing entry so I think I need to sit here and not think for a solid 15 minutes.

OPEN BEEEEEETA MOTHERFUCKER

FFXIV open beta starts tomorrow. Oh, that doesn't mean they're letting peasants in-- it just means the master race already in can talk to your stupid ass about it without pretending it's some kind of secret club.
Awwww yeah.
Anyway here we have "The Rogue Bitch" one of the aforementioned peasants. I guess it's as they say: common birth, common man.
This is one of those blogs I love so much where I have to agree I'm 18+ (this time it's 18) and then click on each entry, agreeing once more I'm 18. Asshole if I'm 18 coming into it I'll still be 18 when I agree to each entry, won't I? What, are you trying to catch >18 people this way? Are they going to lie through the first one then suddenly get scared?
And for entries this complex you really need this level of security to ensure the children won't be scared.
I found this blog via the question of the day: "if you could change something about your past, what would it be?" And here's her response:

You know, I've thought about this a lot, since my past has been pretty unrelentingly shitty. But the weird thing is, if I didn't *have* that past, I wouldn't be who I am, and I really kind of like who I am.

So, no. I love how these bloggers write 50000000 words for something that requires ONE WORD.

This could be the start of a really excellent meme.

I checked out of the library "Fahrenheit 451: The Authorized Adaptation" which is a graphic novel that Ray Bradbury himself approved.

>Excellent
>meme

Finally, may I suggest that anyone reading this introduction to take the time to name the one book that he or she would most want to memorize and protect from any censors or "firemen." And not only name the book, but give the reasons why they would wish to memorize and why it would be a valuable asset to be recited and remembered in the future.

I just put a lot of thought into this. Would I memorize The Inferno or The Odyssey? Then I decided I'd memorize today's blog just to troll the fuck out of future generations.
OF ALL THE THINGS HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO MEMORIZE, THIS HORSESHIT is what they'll say about me :3

Every year my ex asks me if I want to take our daughter for Mother's Day (he usually has her on weekends) and I always laughingly tell him No.

"No, on the day we commemorate mothers I want the only thing that makes me a mother far, far away from me." Welp.

My idea of a good Mother's Day is one where I get to take a break from mothering.

Can't imagine why you're divorced.
Actually, yes I can: you write fanfiction and you have children. How hideously out of sorts is your life?

While there I got a phone call from J., telling me that Hari had developed a sudden ear infection and they were taking her to a Walgreen's clinic. I talked to Hari and she sounded *so* sad, but she's also a drama princess.

MY CHILD'S SUFFERING HAS NO EFFECT ON ME!
Also ear infections suck holy shit. I mean I've only had one once or twice because my childhood illness of choice was strep throat, but still, goddamn.

Tracy and I went to Borders, where I saw many books I wanted but did not buy (new JR Ward, favorite guilty pleasure, *lurid* red cover) and got another call from J.

Oh yes, this parenting thing. It's almost like sometimes you have to put your own interests after your kid or something. Man, this is tough!

Yes, ear infection, she was getting zithromycin and we would discuss whether Hari was coming home later on after she'd been dosed.

Well thank you Wallgreens and the other parent. Where might we be without the magic of "just walking the fuck in and a nurse telling you what you need"?

So I went home and performed a cleansing ritual to rid my house of what I suspected was a cursed object.

Err-- what?

Got rid of the cursed object before I went out to coffee.

You do realize you can't just "get rid" of cursed objects, right? You have to purify them or else you can't unequip/drop them from your inventory. Usually this just involves going to a priest and saying "deal with this" and after a fee you're good to go, but sometimes you have to go through a whole ordeal with climbing mountains and throwing rings into the hellfire used to forge it in the first place.

Then I bounced around at loose ends until J. and talked and determined that Hari should stay with him for the night and we would meet at 12 today.

"Tomorrow" or are we not bound by Euclidean geometry suddenly?
YES JUST SLEEP IT OFF AND I'LL REPEAT TODAY AND PICK YOU UP.
I didn't know "The Rogue Bitch" was such an accomplished time mage.

So that was my mother's day. No card, although I did get a bouquet. No one took me out for brunch, but I had a nice coffee date with Tracy. It was a good day, although strangely incomplete.

I just miss Hari.

Err, so when the whole "she's got this ear infection" thing came up you couldn't have just gone along? I mean if you really cared that much would you have gone to Border's and then went home to read and basically done everything except check on your stupid kid?

So you have a day in which you are on the outs with a friend, and you know you boned a Big Important Interview, and you come home with the groceries in the dumps, and go to get the mail --

-- and there's a box on your doorstep with yaoi manga in it!

The day where that happens and the thing that revitalizes my spirits is an animu where the main characters have gay sex is the day I kill myself.
I mean honest to Christ, it's not even something good like Fist of the North Star or Berserk.

I'm leaving this unlocked for other prying parties. It seems I need to provide an orientation for the Next Generation, since some don't really have a clue what "bitch" really means or who I really am.

Words I don't understand.

OMG Twitter. When did it become September on the Internet again?

... September starts in less than two days.

I vented (on Twitter) the other day about a coworker whose statements struck me as particularly dumb.

Wow what a huge mistake. You should have vented on your stupid blog where no one knows you. Your life is pretty devoid of content. You don't need to keep people in the loop.

This was met with one of my coworkers/friends making a statement (on Twitter) about how embarrassing it is when her friends talk shit about each other behind each others' backs.

Yeah, see? Then shit like this happens.

So I took it to her, asking what she meant and asking she talk to me directly if I did something she didn't like.

HURR DURR

Two days later, the party of whom I spoke decided to follow me on Twitter. Suspicious, no?

I'm pretty sure they're not engaging in CLANDESTINE OPERATIONS, here. I'm pretty sure they're not trying to keep this a secret from you, you fucking dunce.

And then today she collared me and asked me "what was up" with saying she was dumb as a box of hammers in a public forum.

"I mean I've encountered turnips with more on the ball than you." NO REMORSE.
I mean you're already a self-described "bitch", so you already suck. Might as well be a bitch with some conviction.

So I told her that she said something I found stupid and vented about it, and I didn't feel I needed to justify myself.

No, see, now you're getting defensive. I DON'T NEED TO JUSTIFY MYSELF WAAAAAH. Just repeat what you think in a different form and not a single fuck was given.

She said she didn't know and why was I acting surprised that something was coming back to me on a public forum.

I'm not fucking surprised.

So what are we doing here, exactly?
Oh, here's her "online lineage" and I'm sure I'm about to be impressed.

1984 -- 14 years old, used a very rudimentary message system at the Hanover Youth Center, which was probably tied in to the Dartmouth system.

Born 1970, so that makes you--
OLD ENOUGH TO NOT BE ACTING LIKE THIS, CERTAINLY.
Know what I was doing in 1984? BEING -3, AND EVEN I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU.
Wow what a tremendously boring story. My own online adventure doesn't even begin until you're halfway through yours and yet mine has stories of destroying demons and aliens.
I guess it's not how long you've lived it's what you do in the interim, huh?

I don't really give a shit about you (whoever you are) and what you think. If I did, I wouldn't vent about you in forums either public or private.

If you didn't give a shit you wouldn't need to vent in the first place.
Am I going insane?

If you find out about what I say, and confront me with it, don't expect me to be apologetic.

I dunno, explaining your course of action in this much depth rings of apology to me. You do realize you don't have to say "I fucked up, I'm sorry" for it to count as an apology, right? An "apology" is just a defense for something, really.
That's why you see in the Bible all those "apologies" to the Galatians and shit.

About the only consequence about this whole idiotic foofaraw that bothers me is that a friend I care about decided to unfollow me because she was "grossed out" and has "too much respect" for me to watch me "act like a thirteen year old". I'm not sure which part of that I'm guilty of: posting in the first place, or asking who might've told the offended party, or..?

ACTING LIKE A 13 YEAR OLD, IDIOT.
Jesus Christ, talking bad about people on Twitter, seriously? Then being "amazed" (or no, not amazed, just so not-amazed you have to act like you're amazed) and having to text your friends about it? You're 40 years old, for Christ's sake.

I am still dealing with the fallout of what happened and still intermittently sad and enraged.

Maybe it's just my own life but somehow when people talk about the "fallout" of their failed relationships I'm somehow less than impressed because when I hear the word "fallout" it's usually in relation to radiation.
Listen I'm sure your relationship was hard but when you say "fallout" I have flashbacks to giant, radiation-mutated scorpions, okay.
Apparently she had a falling out with her friend and now her daughter is upset and who gives a shit, honest to God?
What follows is just an endless litany of fanfiction so I guess it's time to go do something productive with my life.