Oh good.

Whenever I see a journal with this background I know it's good reading. What kind of birds fly around at night like that? Owls mainly, but those look like gulls. I don't really know much about birds or things that happen outside in general so perhaps all kinds of birds do that but it seems out of place to me.
But I'm getting off topic. Today we have THE MIDNIGHT SCROLLS which sounds like something you might have to steal in an Elder Scrolls game if you're part of the thieves guild.

I can't sleep.

I've been thinking about a nightmare I had that made me wake up shaking in terror. And I'm almost having a panic attack now just thinking about it.

Huh. This is already registering high on my "who gives a shit?" meter.

I don't remember what most of the dream was about but it ended in a plane crash, spiraling down to earth. I was screaming, closing my eyes thinking this is the end of my life. I look at dad and david who were next to me in tears and they seemed to be perfectly calm about it. Then I started saying this prayer:

She then goes on to write the entire prayer. It's the Lord's Prayer, I think. You know, "Our Father who art in heaven..." shit.

I was cut off on that very sentence and my entire world went black and dead silent. Then I woke up. The reason why I'm scared out of my mind is because it felt like a vision of my own death and I suddenly have a very bad feeling about the florida trip in July... almost as if something is telling me to stay home.

Something... OR SOMEONE!

But it's too late. my plane tickets had been already purchased, sealing my fate.

No, if your fate was sealed you'd be on the plane already. Also it would be crashing as you type this. You could just as easily not get on the plane even though you have tickets, or most probably get on the plane and have nothing happen, because contrary to what many ancient people believed, your dreams aren't actually a window into the future or past.
Although shit maybe you are predestined to die on this plane and that's why you can't fathom not getting on it because it's ordained to happen.
That seems exceedingly unlikely and contrary to reason but hey, I'm just leaving it open to be philosophically correct.

And the chilling thing is, Lincoln and Kennedy both dreamed about their fates as well. And...you know what happened after.

I've dreamed about a lot of stupid shit. Recently I had a dream that a wolf ate me. And yet, here I am. Typing this about you. But if I do see a wolf go for the nuts I'll be ready because I'm looking out for it. I'm going to punch that wolf right in the spine. No dire wolf motherfucker is going to chomp down on my lower extremities.

It makes me want to live instead of dying. but... i just don't want to continue living like the way I am now and missing out on so much due to lack of opportunity and money... *sigh*

Well that came out of left field. IT NEVER REALLY DAWNED ON ME UNTIL I HAD A PLANE CRASH DREAM (one of the most common schemes in modern dreaming, I might add) BUT I PREFER BEING ALIVE TO BEING DEAD.
Hey, that's the living peoples' bias. You just say that because you're alive. Being dead might kick way more ass than being alive, but you don't know because you're living. I say it's impossible to know. Even if it is nothing when you die (likely) you certainly won't be around to notice, so don't think about it.

I feel much better today compared to yesterday... thank god...

What scares me the most is that one day i'm going to snap from emotional buildup trapped inside of me...

Wow then you might be even more obnoxious than you are now. You, even more melodramatic? I don't even want to think about that.

I'm not okay anymore.

I feel so emotionally burned out from everything that I feel as if I want to fall asleep and never wake up again.

>emotionally burned out
>emotional buildup
pick one, please.

I've been lacking motivation, strength, and the desire to do anything. I'm even having trouble finding the energy and desire to get into tech school, even though I know that it's something I've been wanting to do badly and create a better future for myself.

I wasn't aware tech school was something you had to be accepted for. I thought you just paid and showed up. Graduating from there is another issue, but I thought acceptance was pretty much guaranteed.

It's also been four months and I still can't draw a halfway decent picture. I got about a month subscription before i go back to a basic deviantART account. Four months wasted without a single update, which makes me feel terrible.

Where the fuck is that Deviant Art account? I have to see this behemoth.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Ha, ha, ha somehow I'm both surprised and not surprised that it's made up entirely of furry art.
>Favourite style of art: Freehand
>everything she does is computer generated
Ha, ha oh wow.
Here is the opening of her self description in case there was any doubt she was a cunt:

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself?

Easy there, boss. You're clearly living a middle class existence, okay.

I woke up feeling achy today, especially with a sharp pain in my elbow. My knee cap also felt like it was made of liquid about to give away at any second.

I know how I would explain these bizarre and unexplained pains. Well I just woke up and I ache, so I must have slept funny. Her perfectly rational explanation: the weather. All right.

Then again, there was a huge thunderstorm last night. and there's supposed to be more tonight. I wonder if that could be it. It's weird how people could feel such things moments before a storm... Does that ever happen to you?

No it sure does not but then again I'm not mentally ill so maybe it would. If I had a mental illness, that is.

Quite honestly there was several reasons why I was in special ed.

:3

I was born with fetal alcohol syndrome which gave me all these battles with mood disorders. I had a learning disability in math which made it really difficult and painful for me to learn and understand the subject.

:3c

I really wish that people would learn to look at my situations as a whole before they start judging me.

Nope not gonna happen.

Unless if they lived my life, they will never understand how hard it is to deal with things and I have to work on things rather slowly in order to have problems ride out smoothly. And they should also read about social anxiety and social phobia as well, which is another big problem I have with meeting new people.

Oh well boo-fucking-hoo. Also no, I don't have to have lived your life to judge you for it. No one else besides Hitler has ever been Hitler and no one (including you) has any trouble calling him a tyrant, now do they? So no, I can sit here and call you a cunt from my computer without even knowing your first name.
Also you might think having "fetal alcohol syndrome" (which you might not even have. I know your kind. You'll try anything to get pity on the internet) would get you off the hook with me, but I continue to be unimpressed.

my biggest problem with that is breaking the ice and coming up with things to talk about.

Just let other people do the talking about just mirror their sentiment. I know nothing at all about any sport and I've had protracted conversations with jocks about football just because I listen to what they say and repeat their thoughts with slightly different wording.
You'd be fucking amazed how often that works. Most people aren't looking for intelligent conversation, they're looking for parrots to repeat their feelings back at them so they can feel accepted by others.
Oh but what you'd have to pay attention to someone other than yourself for five minutes to know this, so oh sorry. YOU HAVE PHOBIAS, I FORGOT.

I hated that dark, moody side of me.

Oh what's this new side of you called, then? Cheery McSunshine?

I used to be pro choice...but now I'm not so sure anymore. While the concept of killing an unborn child is very wrong, I am not going to shove my opinions on others and force them to believe in pro life. It's really their decision to make and whatever choices they make they will have to live

Stop. I-- what the fuck was that? I'M NOT REALLY PRO-CHOICE, I'M JUST GOING TO DESCRIBE THE PRO-CHOICE PLATFORM NOW AS WHAT I AM. idiot.

In this day and age, we may have to with out of control hormones among young people and lack of proper education from the majority of parents everywhere.

What the-- oh I see. That's probably the most awkward sentence I've read in recent memory.

I'm not a true emo- just really sensitive and touchy. I sometimes want a boyfriend yet I don't.

Emofag.

I think I'm a complete mystery and a series of contradictions...

Yeah you're just impossible to figure out.

And she's right. It can't rain all the time right?

Move to Maryland and ask that again. The answer is that yes, in fact, it can rain forever.
If it's not raining it's overcast, hi welcome to Maryland~
Well all in all this was a boring entry and you should probably feel bad for being so dull despite constant bitching and moaning.

Is Today Monday?

Only reason I updated yesterday was because I thought it was Monday. Today actually is Monday, so I'm living in a bizarre Mobius Strip world right now. MONDAY HAS LOOPED BACK ON ITSELF MY GOD.
So I don't really have any idea what I'm going to do. Even though I usually get a rough idea of who I'd like to make fun of and click around until I find an approximation, today I have fuck all.
So I'll just go to LiveJournal and-- fantastic. First click is a likely suspect.
http://jovialjoe.livejournal.com/105254.html
First post I immediately have no idea what he (user name is JovialJoe, that has to be a guy) is talking about. Apparently Antoinette (not Marie) is dead. Died by her own hand-- how tragic.
So on to the previous entry. To get to the previous entry I have to click the back arrow like I'm reading some sort of article. Why couldn't he just have all the entries on the front page like a normal person? Always have to be special, is it?
So this entry is your typical rant on death and being powerless, I suppose. I'll just cut to the good part.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I am SICK of watching people die and waiting for them to die or finding that someone's suddenly DEAD, I fucking hate it. I want to break things. Hurt something, whatever, but it's NO FUCKING GOOD because it's not like its going to KEEP them fucking ALIVE. Wishing that a miracle would happen or something doesn't do ANYTHING. They're all fucking DEAD. People will KEEP DYING. Young people, old people, family, friends, they're all going to fucking die at some point and there is NOTHING to do but WAIT.

I'm reminded of words I heard once, but have since forgotten the source:
all life is but a journey to the grave, and the greatest mystery of all is how do we not despair?
I guess that's totally fucking wrong, because look at this crybaby. Good grief.
That's the cycle of life, dude. People die. All kinds of people die, usually for fucking stupid reasons. I don't think the dead would take solace in the fact that you mourn them in this way. Respect the living, honor the dead and move on with your life.
Also you kind of set yourself up as a victim, here. PEOPLE DIE AND I WANT TO HURT SOMEONE TO FIX IT. Easy there, punchy. That sounds like such a dramatic TV show move. Person dies SOMEONE PUNCHES THE WALL SO HARD THEY HURT THEIR HAND. Have some composure.
That whole paragraph came out more serious than I intended. Fuck it, not rewriting it.
So on to the next entry.

What began as a comedic adventure kind of turned into a horror. And it was SOOOOO long. From 9 am (if you caught the tour) to 5:30 pm. I'm going to go for a time, at least, and give it a shot, but I don't really have a good feeling about it.

He's referring, in this case, to freshman orientation at his college. Namely having a nagging suspicion he chose the wrong university. I remember when I had to go through this and it really does put you on edge. By the end of the (what seemed like) nineteen hour extravaganza it is a bit taxing.
It's at this point I'm starting to see a theme emerging through this blog. All blogs I've read seem to have recurring motifs and themes. For instance, mine would have to be cunning wit and hilarious banter mixed with some clever insight. Also wisdom.
This, however, is melodrama. Quick, what captures real life better? Comedy or drama?
Doesn't matter. Whatever does, it isn't this. This reads more like a soap opera than someone's life. PEOPLE ARE DYING AND I'M HAVING TROUBLE ADJUSTING TO MY COLLEGE LIFE AND WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Even if this shit does happen, and it does, I have trouble treating this like it was seriously written by a human.
Also apparently this is a girl, which goes to show I STILL CAN'T TELL GENDER. I guess Joe is short for Josephine. Goddamn.
So she decided to stop talking to her father and blah blah who cares.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. Melodrama.

The lower lid of my left eye is having a freak out. Swollen, red, painful, I look like I've contracted some dreadful disease or like I belong on an episode of House...

The "dreadful disease" you have contracted sounds like conjunctivitis, commonly known as pink eye. Know what treats pink eye? GET SOME ANTIBIOTIC EYE DROPS. Or hell, do nothing. It'll clear itself up eventually.
I've had pink eye a few times in my life. "Pink eye and strep throat" could have been the title of my childhood. I'd say by age nine neither of these things slowed me down.
But this reads like a production. It ends with some sort of babbling about the stages of mourning (which sounds like a cyclic thing for her) and watching Sailor Moon (another recurring theme in these fucking things, oddly) and Road to El Dorado.

I find myself swinging between feeling euphorious, at peace, and then very manic and afraid.

Euphorious, huh? Is that any relation to euphoric? Also feelings of euphoria imply a being at peace, so you really didn't need to add that. Although irrational fear, to me, is a hallmark of a depressive episode instead of a manic episode, depending on the framing of the fear, it could still fit.
In conjunction with what I have to assume is either a tenuous grasp of vocabulary or childlike confusion of emotions, I'd say grief counseling is just the first step in fixing your nutty head.
I'd wager she could be diagnosed as a manic-depressive.

So I've been wandering around all of today, completely freaked out that my senior project presentation is tomorrow. Seriously, my stress level was through the roof today.
But I'm sitting here and it just occured to me that tomorrow, it's going to be done, it's a good project and I feel....
Inexplicably relieved.
Joyous.
This is a good thing :)

I would certainly say she's a creative soul, as she suffers from a frequent delusion of her ilk: the belief that only she has felt emotions this strong, or only she can feel emotions in this exact combination.
Typical college nonsense in the next couple of posts.

GRAAAAGHSHROGNESISDNKSDF!!!
I hate it when people say "You're a teenager...you're supposed to be confused and not know what to do!"
...That may or may not be the case, but I wish my mind would freaking arrive at it's mother effing decision and just decide....do I like this or not? Do I want to continue with this or not? You want to get away, you want to stay, you don't want to go to this college, but then tomorrow you really do want to go to this college, one day you think about pursuing this, one day you say you'll never do this again, then the next day you say "Well, that was fun, maybe I WILL do this or that again".....

Mother FUCKER! I GET that it's a day to day thing and not every decision must be black or white, or work in absolutes, but I HATE IT when my brain just functions in the EXTREMES. I wish I could just GET this fucking "let it go, move along," mentality but noooooooooooooo....

graghsoasosadfnmofereffen'....I annoy myself. Alot.

Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine being this confused in life. Even when I had to do all of this shit I wasn't paralyzed with confusion like she was. I think her problem is she cares too much about making the right decision instead of just making a good decision. Coincidentally, it is in a teenager's nature to be that polarizing. Contrary to your stupid high school brain's thinking, there isn't a right college. In fact, they're all practically the same. Unless you want to be a doctor or go to an Ivy league school or something, it's all pretty much the same.
In this case, thinking long term would be advisable. Go to a community college to get the necessary shit that you'll be taking anyway out of the way for cheap, then transfer to an in state school. Trying not to graduate in huge debt would be my primary objective if I were her.
So there's your fucking short term life goal list right there. Maybe it's because I had the benefit of reading it from the outside, but that took like five minutes to solve. Maybe you should go at it with a rational mind geared towards solving your problems instead of being melodramatic about it and you wouldn't encounter these situations.
I'll admit it's hard sometimes, but fucking goddamn you just have to pull through it.
Oddly the school counselors don't tell you this. Well there, life lesson for free.
So whatever that's it. Not the funniest post I've ever written but fuck you this is my third day in a row grappling with these fucking things.
So in conclusion: BE LESS MELODRAMATIC.